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First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

-Chelsea Handler

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First Of All, Who

Chelsea Handler

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First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

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Guarantees That

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I Like To Laugh. It's Kind Of Escapism. I Like To Make People Laugh. And I Kind Of Like People Just To Have To Not Think About Anything

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

The L. A. Times Is Reporting That Britney Spears' Album Blackout Will Be Number One On The Billboard Charts. Not To Toot My Horn, But I Predicted This On My Show A Week Ago. No One Wanted To Believe Me - Even I Didn't Want To Believe Me, But Now I Know How Nostradamus Feels.

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

I'd Like To Go Out For A Cocktail... Or Seven.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

We Spend So Much Money On These Dresses That Are Terrible. And What Do We Get Out Of It? Nothing - A Piece Of Chicken And A Roll In The Hay With Her Hillbilly Cousin - No Thank You. My Family's Very Close; I Can Do That At Home.

Angelina Jolie’s Older Brother James Haven, The One She Made Out With, Has A License Plate On His Suv That Reads Shiloh. Maybe It’s Not That Weird. After All, He Could Be The Father.

Another Thing I Take Issue With Are People Who Take Their Dogs On "play Dates," Or Even Worse, People Who Choose To Dress Their Dogs Up In Outfits Better Suited For Homosexuals Participating In A Gay Pride Parade. Dog Costumes Are Right Up There With Something Else I Find Particularly Offensive: Sweater Vests.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

My Negotiation Skills Are Are On Par With George Bush's Reading Ability. And Just Like Dubya, Every Time I've Tried To Put Forth An Effort, I Am Reminded That My Only True Strength Lies In Drinking.

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

If You Judge A Person By The Company They Keep, Then I'm Retarded.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

Good Luck Chuck, A Comedy Starring Dane Cook And Jessica Alba, Opened Today, And Critics Are Saying It Has All The Belly Laughs You’ve Come To Expect From Jessica Alba.

I Love People Who Have Such Passion For Complete Nonsense.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

Britney Spears' Album Blackout Is One Of The Hottest-selling Cds In The Country. We're In A Bad Place, People: The World Is Melting, We're At War, And Two And A Half Men Is A Huge Hit.

I Had To Sit Down And Explain To [her Friend] That Aa Was For Quitters

Who's The President On The $100 Bill? I Don't Know. I Don't Need To Know Because I Don't Use Cash. I Only Use Travelers Checks.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

We Women Have To Stick Together.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

That's What My Perfume Would Smell Like, Margarita And Vodka.

I Haven't Been Manipulated. I Did A Documentary In Prison Years Ago Because I Was So F - Ed Off With Those Lazy Bastards In Their Bed For 18 Hours A Day, Five Dishes A Day On A Menu To Choose From, Playing Soccer Every Day, Going To The Gym, Watching Movies.

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

You Want To Do Something A Little Bit Meaningful, Because We're Not Saving The Planet Or Anything, But We Want To Contribute In A Positive Way, In A Way That Makes A Difference Or Makes Somebody Feel Something.

Making A Difference

I Think It's Important To Be Authentic To Who You Are, And If You're Inauthentic At All, People Smell That From A Mile Away.

Paris Hilton Has Launched A New Champagne In A Can Called Rich Prosecco. For The Ad Campaign Paris Posed Wearing Nothing But Gold Paint. That’s A Unique Way To Cover Up Herpes.

I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

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Don't Choose The Better Guy, Choose The Guy That's Gonna Make You The Better Girl

The Challenge Is To Keep It Fresh. If You're Talking About Britney Spears Over And Over, It's Very Hard To Keep That Interesting.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

Is Heather Mcdonald Your Best Friend? You Better Get A New One.

Your Best Friend

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Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

I've Never Made Love To A Ghost But I Have Made Love To Men Who Are A Few Years Away From Becoming A Ghost.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

He Laid Into Me With The Same Gusto As A Right-wing Political Pundit On The O'reilly Factor Defending President's Bush Right To Vacation Six Days Out Of The Week.

When I Look At All The People That I Have Working For Me And The Company I've Started And All The People That Benefit From It And Have A Living Because Of It, It's Very Motivating To Continue To Do It.

Kristen Stewart Always Looks Like She's Posing For Pictures Taken In A Basement By Her Creepy Uncle.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

I Had Sex With A Couple Guys But It Wasn't A Baseball Team. I Saved That For My Twenties.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

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I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

While Looking At A Website For Liposuction, I Learned That It Was A Six-to Eight-week Recovery Period, The Clincher Being That, During That Time, I Would Under No Circumstances Be Able To Use Street Drugs. Obviously I Had To Think Of A More Realistic Approach.

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

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There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

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People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

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We Set Up A Bakery Called Bad Boy Bakery, To Cook On The Inside To Sell On The Outside. It Was Huge, Because It Got Them Working. I'd Give Them A Certificate To Go Back In The Community With A Skill. They Could Get A Job. We Set Up A Little Bakery And It's Gone Crazy. I Need To Be That Raw To Do The Glossy Stuff. I Need To Get Back To That Kind Of Scenario.

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I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

My Mom Was Kinda Like A Cat. She Slept A Lot.

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I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

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The Whole Thing About My Books And My Life Is That I Create Drama's Always Around Me.

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

It's Hard On An All-gay Softball Team Because No One Knows If They Want To Be A Pitcher Or A Catcher.

According To An Article On Cnn.com, A New Study Says People Who Are Bad Kissers Don't Get Laid. Where Are You Supposed To Learn How To Kiss? If You Go To Catholic School, It's From Your Priest; In Public School, You Learn From Your Teacher; And Some Guys Learn From Their Sisters... If Their Sister Is Angelina Jolie.

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

I Probably Do The Most For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Or Lgbt, But I Don't Have One That I Focus On. I Just Try And Kind Of Do A Lot For Different Charities.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

If Someone Took The 'f' Letter Off Me, I'd Be Ucked.

Obviously, If I Was Serious About Having A Relationship With Some One Long-term, The Last People I Would Introduce Him To Would Be My Family.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

I Think It's Important To Be Involved With Charities That Don't Necessarily Reflect What You're Dealing With In Your Life.

Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

I'm Always Happy To Pitch In And Do Something. Everybody Needs To Be Laughing A Little.

That's The Problem In My Industry. Anyone Can Go And Open A F - Ing Hotel. Anyone Can Go And Buy A Restaurant. It's Not Like A Doctor Or A Lawyer, You Need Certain Qualifications. That's The Issue.

I Hate When Men Think That Money Is Gonna Buy You Happiness... I Mean, It Helps.

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

Paris Hilton Is One Of The Hosts For Nicole Richie’s Baby Shower, And They’re Serving Sushi. Awesome, Paris—sushi, The One Thing Pregnant Women Are Forbidden To Eat. Thanks For The Mercury.

Being That Frank And Being That Open, There's More Praise Than There Is Negativity. It's Just The Negativity Gets Printed Because You're Straight And F - Ing Rude. It's Not Rude, It's Just Getting Straight To The Point.

I Love A Stupid Joke, Something That Doesn't Make Any Sense.

I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

I Don't Like The Word 'alcoholic'. I Like To Think Of Myself As An Advanced Drinker.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

If You Get Into A Customer Service Fight With A Hooker, Even If You're In The Right, You're In The Wrong.

If You Want To Have Sex With Strangers, You Have To Do It The Old Fashion Way And Become A Prostitute.

Christina Aguilera Finally Announced Her Pregnancy. Thanks For Waiting Until Your Third Trimester To Get The Word Out—why Not Just Wait Until You’re Crowning?

[late-night Host] Is Not Really A Job For A Woman. You Can't Have Kids And Be A Late-night Host.i Mean Samantha Bee Has Children, But You're There All Day And All Night. No One Has A Life Outside Of It. I Would Never Try To Have A Family. I Care Much More About A Career Anyway, Than Having A Family, So That's My Own Prerogative. It's Just Not Something That A Woman.

One Of My Girlfriends Was Getting Married. This Was Becoming An Annoying Pattern.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be.

Next To Fat Babies, Midgets Are My Favorite Things To Hold. I Love Them So Much, And I Want To Help Them To Do Adult Things Like Drive Cars, Jet-ski, And Lip-synch. I’m In Awe Of Their Little Limbs, Their Large Craniums, And Their Medicine-ball Asses. I Love The Little Baby Steps They Take While Shifting Their Weight From Side To Side, And The Fact That When You Knock One Over Accidentally, He Flails Like A Turtle On Its Back That Can’t Get Up Right Away.

I Have More Respect For Somebody Who's Like, 'yeah I Like To Party, So Screw Off,' Then For Tara , Who Talks About Not Partying And Ends Up Passed Out Underneath A Subway, Not A Subway Station, But The Actual Sandwich Shop - Two Days Later.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

Along With The 97 Percent Of Women Who Can See, I Have Never Been A Fan Of Redheaded Men.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

It's Hard To Tell These Days What Gender People Are. You Don't Know If They're Gay, If They're Straight, Or Bruce Jenner.

Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

I Think Reality Television, Unless It's Inspirational, Which It Very Rarely Is, I Think It's Embarrassing. It's Embarrassing State Of Affairs That We're In.

I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

People Always Tell Me I Need To Have A Kid, And I Say, No, I Don't. Because I Wouldn't Have Just One Kid; I'd Have Six. I Need A Huge Family. So I Just Kind Of Fill My House With Tons Of Rejects And Misfits So It Feels Like I Have A Bunch Of Children.

To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

For Months There Have Been Rumors That J.lo Is Finally Pregnant With Marc Anthony's Baby. She Was Afraid It Might Never Happen. I'm Afraid It's Going To Look Like Marc Anthony.

My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

There's A Reason You Never See Anyone's House With A Beware Of Cat Sign. Because They're Not Even Worth Mentioning.

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

It’s True What They Say About Patience Being A Virtue; It Just Happens To Be A Virtue That I Choose Not To Pursue.

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

You Got Married Recently To A Rapper. It Doesn't Take Them Long To Impregnate Women.

Even If Times Are Tough And You're Enduring A Terrible Heartache, It's Important To Focus Your Anger On A Vibrator, Not Another Person.

I Like To Just Follow What I Find Compelling. In Order For Me To Be Compelling, I Have To Be Compelled. I Don't Try To Think About What People Are Interested In Seeing, I Have To Be Interested. For Me, That Works The Best.

According To Life & Style, Lance Armstrong Was Seen Canoodling With Fitness Model Kim Strother, And The Night Before, He Was With Ashley Olsen. He's Going From Bar To Bar Picking Up Women - How Does He Get Them Home? Does He Put Them On The Handlebars, Or Does He Have A Banana Seat?

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

They Travel In Groups. You Never See An Asian By Their Self.

I Look Hot And, Most Of All, Skinny. I Love The Day After Throwing Up. I Felt Like A Feather.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

You Should Always Speak Your Mind, And Be Bold, And Be Obnoxious, And Do Whatever You Want And Don’t Let Anybody Tell You To Stop It.

Speak Your Mind

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

According To Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent May Be Working On Lindsay Lohan's Next Album. Finally, A Match Made In Rap Heaven. He's A Convicted Drug Dealer Who's Been Shot Nine Times, And She Spent 84 Minutes In Prison. This Is A Big Step For Lindsay. The Last Time Lindsay Got Near A Black Guy She Ran Over His Foot.

As You Get Older, Then You Finally Come Back Around Full Circle When You Don't Give A S - Anymore And You Decide I'm Going To Just Tell The Truth To Everybody. I Don't Give A S - If Anybody Likes Me.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

This Kind Of Mixing Of Ingredients Happens All The Time At Fast-food Places... You Know When You Order French Fries And There's A Rogue Onion Ring At The Bottom. You Know, At First You're Alarmed But You Eat It. It All Comes From The Same Place! You Just Have To Go For It.

I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

I Think The People In Your Life Are The People That - When You Can Make Other People Happy And You Can Give Things To Your Family And Your Friends, You Know, That's Really Obviously What Life Is All About. But It Doesn't Have To Be Children. It Doesn't Have To Be A Husband. It Can Be Whatever You Make It.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

It's A Pleasure To Play My Sister Because Everything I've Accused Her Of My Whole Life, I Can Now Re-enact Before Her Eyes.

David Hasselhoff Was Hospitalized After Falling Off The Wagon Again. He Probably Got Used To Drinking Too Much, Because For Years He Never Had To Worry About Driving Anywhere - His Car Drove Itself.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

You Do Not Own A Dog. You Have A Dog. And The Dog Has You

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

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