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There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

-Chelsea Handler

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There's Tons Of Information

Chelsea Handler

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There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

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I Love A Stupid Joke, Something That Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

According To Life & Style, Lance Armstrong Was Seen Canoodling With Fitness Model Kim Strother, And The Night Before, He Was With Ashley Olsen. He's Going From Bar To Bar Picking Up Women - How Does He Get Them Home? Does He Put Them On The Handlebars, Or Does He Have A Banana Seat?

It's Hard On An All-gay Softball Team Because No One Knows If They Want To Be A Pitcher Or A Catcher.

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

It's Unfiltered Conversation And I Love It. I Also Like To Argue With Children, So It's The Perfect Platform For Me.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

You Should Always Speak Your Mind, And Be Bold, And Be Obnoxious, And Do Whatever You Want And Don’t Let Anybody Tell You To Stop It.

Speak Your Mind

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

That's What My Perfume Would Smell Like, Margarita And Vodka.

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

He Laid Into Me With The Same Gusto As A Right-wing Political Pundit On The O'reilly Factor Defending President's Bush Right To Vacation Six Days Out Of The Week.

[late-night Host] Is Not Really A Job For A Woman. You Can't Have Kids And Be A Late-night Host.i Mean Samantha Bee Has Children, But You're There All Day And All Night. No One Has A Life Outside Of It. I Would Never Try To Have A Family. I Care Much More About A Career Anyway, Than Having A Family, So That's My Own Prerogative. It's Just Not Something That A Woman.

If Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, I Wonder If Blood Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend 5 Days Out Of The Month?

I Think The People I Talk About Are Generally So Stupid That They Don't Even Know I'm Saying Bad Things About Them. I've Run Into Paris Hilton And She's Like, Oh, I Love Your Show. And I'm Like, You Can't Love My Show If You Can Hear.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

I Haven't Been Manipulated. I Did A Documentary In Prison Years Ago Because I Was So F - Ed Off With Those Lazy Bastards In Their Bed For 18 Hours A Day, Five Dishes A Day On A Menu To Choose From, Playing Soccer Every Day, Going To The Gym, Watching Movies.

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

I Want To Start Saying Bad Words All The Time!

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

I Went Out With A Guy Who Once Told Me I Didn’t Need To Drink To Make Myself More Fun To Be Around. I Told Him, I’m Drinking So That You’re More Fun To Be Around.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

I'm Always Happy To Pitch In And Do Something. Everybody Needs To Be Laughing A Little.

I Was A Fitness Fiasco - Until I Found Pilates . . . It's Been The Most Gentle On My Body I'm Longer And Leaner And Much More Graceful. I Can Honestly Say It's Changed My Body - And My Life.

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My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

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Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

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I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

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One Of My Girlfriends Was Getting Married. This Was Becoming An Annoying Pattern.

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I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

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You Get Photographed Together When There's 25 People With You And People Assume That You're Having Sex, Which Is Definitely Not The Case.

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[gordon Ramsay] Knows About Being Bullied, Because Look At The Size Of Him.

I'd Like To Go Out For A Cocktail... Or Seven.

That's The Problem In My Industry. Anyone Can Go And Open A F - Ing Hotel. Anyone Can Go And Buy A Restaurant. It's Not Like A Doctor Or A Lawyer, You Need Certain Qualifications. That's The Issue.

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

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I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I Wonder, How You Get By From Day To Day. It's A Good Thing You're So Voluptuous.

Funny Motivational

I Think It's Important To Be Authentic To Who You Are, And If You're Inauthentic At All, People Smell That From A Mile Away.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

I Had To Feign Interest In All This Nonsense Until I Could Ask When I Could Come Over And Sit On His Face. I Didn't Say That Out Loud, Of Course. I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

I Love People Who Have Such Passion For Complete Nonsense.

I Had To Sit Down And Explain To [her Friend] That Aa Was For Quitters

People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

According To Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent May Be Working On Lindsay Lohan's Next Album. Finally, A Match Made In Rap Heaven. He's A Convicted Drug Dealer Who's Been Shot Nine Times, And She Spent 84 Minutes In Prison. This Is A Big Step For Lindsay. The Last Time Lindsay Got Near A Black Guy She Ran Over His Foot.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

If You Get Into A Customer Service Fight With A Hooker, Even If You're In The Right, You're In The Wrong.

George Clooney And Fabio Apparently Got Into A Scuffle At A Restaurant In Los Angeles Over The Weekend. George Thought The Women With Fabio Were Taking Pictures Of Him. How Embarrassed Is George Clooney To Be In A Fight With Fabio? Who Is He Going To Call Out Next, Lorenzo Lamas?

Before Any Exposure On Tv, I'm A Real Chef.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

Who's The President On The $100 Bill? I Don't Know. I Don't Need To Know Because I Don't Use Cash. I Only Use Travelers Checks.

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

There's A Reason You Never See Anyone's House With A Beware Of Cat Sign. Because They're Not Even Worth Mentioning.

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

I Had Sex With A Couple Guys But It Wasn't A Baseball Team. I Saved That For My Twenties.

I Have More Respect For Somebody Who's Like, 'yeah I Like To Party, So Screw Off,' Then For Tara , Who Talks About Not Partying And Ends Up Passed Out Underneath A Subway, Not A Subway Station, But The Actual Sandwich Shop - Two Days Later.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

We Women Have To Stick Together.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

I Think Being Able To Have Follow-through, I Think A Lot Of People Who Are In Charge, That Is The One Quality That You Can't Forsake. You Can Get Opinions, But You Can't Have Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen When You're Envisioning Something.

Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon Just Got Themselves A Marriage License. I Think Before She Gets Married Again Pam Needs To Slow Down And Think About Whether This Is Really The Man She Wants To Spend Three Or Four Months Of Her Life With.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

I Think Reality Television, Unless It's Inspirational, Which It Very Rarely Is, I Think It's Embarrassing. It's Embarrassing State Of Affairs That We're In.

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

My Theory About Taylor Swift Is That She's A Virgin, That Everyone Breaks Up With Her Because They Date Her For Two Weeks And She's Like, 'i'm Not Gonna Do It'.

Lydia Was The Kind Of Friend Whom People Referred To As A 'party Favor' -- Always Fun To Be Around But She Doesn't Have Any Patience For Suffering Unless It's Her Own.

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

Adults End Up Shading Things And Shading The Truth, And You End Up Lying And Telling People What They Want To Hear.

If Someone Took The 'f' Letter Off Me, I'd Be Ucked.

There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

Christina Aguilera Finally Announced Her Pregnancy. Thanks For Waiting Until Your Third Trimester To Get The Word Out—why Not Just Wait Until You’re Crowning?

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

Or People Who Have One Baby And Go Buy A Minivan... How Big Is Your Baby?

In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

If You Do Talk Dirty, Make Sure That You Enunciate Because There's Nothing More Embarrassing Than Having To Repeat Yourself.

I Like To Laugh. It's Kind Of Escapism. I Like To Make People Laugh. And I Kind Of Like People Just To Have To Not Think About Anything

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

If You Want To Have Sex With Strangers, You Have To Do It The Old Fashion Way And Become A Prostitute.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

People Who Have Experience And Credentials, They Should Be Talking About That [donald Trump Presenting On Tv]. I Know Everybody Cares About Ratings, But Come On. The Whole World Is Watching.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

This Kind Of Mixing Of Ingredients Happens All The Time At Fast-food Places... You Know When You Order French Fries And There's A Rogue Onion Ring At The Bottom. You Know, At First You're Alarmed But You Eat It. It All Comes From The Same Place! You Just Have To Go For It.

Tara Reid Is Charging $3,500 For A Personal Appearance Fee. So, For Only $3,500 You Can Either Buy A 1998 Jetta With 130,000 Miles On It... Or Tara Reid, Who Only Has 98,000 Miles On Her.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

I Think It's Important To Be Involved With Charities That Don't Necessarily Reflect What You're Dealing With In Your Life.

I Was Tortured, And Probably Half Of It Was Deserved, But I Was Bullied — So Much So That There Were Days When I Was Like, 'i Can't Go To School Today.' I Was Too Scared.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

My Father Has A High Opinion Of His Opinion

I Think They Should Make Twilight Closets And All The Cast Members Can Walk Out Of Them.

I Think Everyone's Afraid Of Public Speaking. There Have Been Times Where I've Come Out Of My Own Show And Been Like, 'oh, God, What Am I Doing?' . . . You Have To Remind Yourself That 'ok, I'm Kind Of A Badass. I Can Handle It.'

That's Al Qaeda's New Plan: To Destroy America One Period At A Time.

Paris Hilton Has Launched A New Champagne In A Can Called Rich Prosecco. For The Ad Campaign Paris Posed Wearing Nothing But Gold Paint. That’s A Unique Way To Cover Up Herpes.

My Mom Was Kinda Like A Cat. She Slept A Lot.

Getting Rewarded For Being Pregnant When You're A Teenager? Are You Serious? I Mean, That Makes Me Want To Kill Somebody.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

According To The New York Post, Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen Are Dating. They Must Be Getting Serious - Lance Gave Ashley His Yellow Live Strong Bracelet. She Wears It As A Belt.

I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

The Whole Thing About My Books And My Life Is That I Create Drama's Always Around Me.

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

It Would Be Nice If Everybody Were A Little Bit More Mindful Of What Kind Of Product You're Putting Out There. Nothing's For Everybody. People Are Liked And Disliked, But At Least Be Mindful Of What You're Doing And What Your Message Is, And Trying To Stay True To Your Authenticity And What You're Trying To Attain Or What Your Goals Are, And Don't Let Anybody Get In The Way Of That. At The Same Time, Have A Goal, And Have A Message.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

I'm Into Politics, And I Love Watching The Heavier News Magazine Shows.

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

I Can't Be Skinny All The Time. I Like To Drink And I Like To Eat. I Like Burgers And Bagels.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

You Should Never Be Mean To Other Girls. I Don't Care What Grade You're In. Be Nice To People Until You're My Age... And You Have Your Own Tv Show.

I Don't Like The Word 'alcoholic'. I Like To Think Of Myself As An Advanced Drinker.

We Spend So Much Money On These Dresses That Are Terrible. And What Do We Get Out Of It? Nothing - A Piece Of Chicken And A Roll In The Hay With Her Hillbilly Cousin - No Thank You. My Family's Very Close; I Can Do That At Home.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

In A Statement To The Associated Press Earlier In The Year, Jamie Lynn Said She Didn’t Have A Boyfriend. She Said, ‘i’m Keeping My Options Open.’ And By Options, She Meant Legs.

People Always Tell Me I Need To Have A Kid, And I Say, No, I Don't. Because I Wouldn't Have Just One Kid; I'd Have Six. I Need A Huge Family. So I Just Kind Of Fill My House With Tons Of Rejects And Misfits So It Feels Like I Have A Bunch Of Children.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

Don't Take 'no' For An Answer. Keep Knocking Down Walls Until Someone Says 'yes.'

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

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