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There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

-Chelsea Handler

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There's Tons Of Information

Chelsea Handler

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There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

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Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

You Got Married Recently To A Rapper. It Doesn't Take Them Long To Impregnate Women.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

My Life And My Legs Have Been An Open Book.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

According To The New York Post, Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen Are Dating. They Must Be Getting Serious - Lance Gave Ashley His Yellow Live Strong Bracelet. She Wears It As A Belt.

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

I Like To Laugh. It's Kind Of Escapism. I Like To Make People Laugh. And I Kind Of Like People Just To Have To Not Think About Anything

I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

You Want To Do Something A Little Bit Meaningful, Because We're Not Saving The Planet Or Anything, But We Want To Contribute In A Positive Way, In A Way That Makes A Difference Or Makes Somebody Feel Something.

Making A Difference

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

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I Love People Who Have Such Passion For Complete Nonsense.

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

Kristen Stewart Always Looks Like She's Posing For Pictures Taken In A Basement By Her Creepy Uncle.

It's Hard On An All-gay Softball Team Because No One Knows If They Want To Be A Pitcher Or A Catcher.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

If You Do Talk Dirty, Make Sure That You Enunciate Because There's Nothing More Embarrassing Than Having To Repeat Yourself.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

How Do You Think Jail Was?! I Got Face Raped By A Woman... And I Think I May Have Liked It.

That's Al Qaeda's New Plan: To Destroy America One Period At A Time.

You Should Always Speak Your Mind, And Be Bold, And Be Obnoxious, And Do Whatever You Want And Don’t Let Anybody Tell You To Stop It.

Speak Your Mind

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

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As You Get Older, Then You Finally Come Back Around Full Circle When You Don't Give A S - Anymore And You Decide I'm Going To Just Tell The Truth To Everybody. I Don't Give A S - If Anybody Likes Me.

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I Think They Should Make Twilight Closets And All The Cast Members Can Walk Out Of Them.

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Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

I Went Out With A Guy Who Once Told Me I Didn’t Need To Drink To Make Myself More Fun To Be Around. I Told Him, I’m Drinking So That You’re More Fun To Be Around.

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There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

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A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

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The Challenge Is To Keep It Fresh. If You're Talking About Britney Spears Over And Over, It's Very Hard To Keep That Interesting.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

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Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

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... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

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I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

He Laid Into Me With The Same Gusto As A Right-wing Political Pundit On The O'reilly Factor Defending President's Bush Right To Vacation Six Days Out Of The Week.

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

It's Unfiltered Conversation And I Love It. I Also Like To Argue With Children, So It's The Perfect Platform For Me.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

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Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

It's Good That People Don't Like You. That's Good. It Means That You Are Doing Something Interesting.

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To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

I Had To Sit Down And Explain To [her Friend] That Aa Was For Quitters

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

They Travel In Groups. You Never See An Asian By Their Self.

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

You Know What They Say, When One Door Closes, Another Belvedere Opens.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

Or People Who Have One Baby And Go Buy A Minivan... How Big Is Your Baby?

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

Getting Rewarded For Being Pregnant When You're A Teenager? Are You Serious? I Mean, That Makes Me Want To Kill Somebody.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

If You Judge A Person By The Company They Keep, Then I'm Retarded.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

Obviously You Want To Be Smart Enough To Take Other People's Advice And Take That Into Consideration, And Obviously Try To Surround Yourself With People That Are Smarter Than You. As Far As Sticking To Your Guns, I Think There Is No Better Advice Than To Just Find Something That You Really Give A S - About And Then Go Do It.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

Lydia Was The Kind Of Friend Whom People Referred To As A 'party Favor' -- Always Fun To Be Around But She Doesn't Have Any Patience For Suffering Unless It's Her Own.

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

I Think Everyone's Afraid Of Public Speaking. There Have Been Times Where I've Come Out Of My Own Show And Been Like, 'oh, God, What Am I Doing?' . . . You Have To Remind Yourself That 'ok, I'm Kind Of A Badass. I Can Handle It.'

We Set Up A Bakery Called Bad Boy Bakery, To Cook On The Inside To Sell On The Outside. It Was Huge, Because It Got Them Working. I'd Give Them A Certificate To Go Back In The Community With A Skill. They Could Get A Job. We Set Up A Little Bakery And It's Gone Crazy. I Need To Be That Raw To Do The Glossy Stuff. I Need To Get Back To That Kind Of Scenario.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

According To An Article On Cnn.com, A New Study Says People Who Are Bad Kissers Don't Get Laid. Where Are You Supposed To Learn How To Kiss? If You Go To Catholic School, It's From Your Priest; In Public School, You Learn From Your Teacher; And Some Guys Learn From Their Sisters... If Their Sister Is Angelina Jolie.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

Then They Have The Audacity To Go Shopping And Pick Out Their Own Gifts. I Want To Know Who The First Person Was Who Said This Was Okay. After Spending All That Money On A Bachelorette Weekend, A Shower, And Often A Flight Across The Country, They Expect You To Go To Williams Sonoma Or Pottery Barn And Do Research? Then They Send You A Thank-you Note Applauding You For Such A Thoughtful Gift. They're The One Who Picked It Out!

I Think It's Important To Be Authentic To Who You Are, And If You're Inauthentic At All, People Smell That From A Mile Away.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

Having A Baby, It's Like A Five Year Commitment.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

Britney Spears' Album Blackout Is One Of The Hottest-selling Cds In The Country. We're In A Bad Place, People: The World Is Melting, We're At War, And Two And A Half Men Is A Huge Hit.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

I Had Sex With A Couple Guys But It Wasn't A Baseball Team. I Saved That For My Twenties.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

My Father Has A High Opinion Of His Opinion

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

I Want To Start Saying Bad Words All The Time!

Obviously, If I Was Serious About Having A Relationship With Some One Long-term, The Last People I Would Introduce Him To Would Be My Family.

I've Never Made Love To A Ghost But I Have Made Love To Men Who Are A Few Years Away From Becoming A Ghost.

I'm Into Politics, And I Love Watching The Heavier News Magazine Shows.

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

If You Get Into A Customer Service Fight With A Hooker, Even If You're In The Right, You're In The Wrong.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

Tara Reid Is Charging $3,500 For A Personal Appearance Fee. So, For Only $3,500 You Can Either Buy A 1998 Jetta With 130,000 Miles On It... Or Tara Reid, Who Only Has 98,000 Miles On Her.

That's The Problem In My Industry. Anyone Can Go And Open A F - Ing Hotel. Anyone Can Go And Buy A Restaurant. It's Not Like A Doctor Or A Lawyer, You Need Certain Qualifications. That's The Issue.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

David Hasselhoff Was Hospitalized After Falling Off The Wagon Again. He Probably Got Used To Drinking Too Much, Because For Years He Never Had To Worry About Driving Anywhere - His Car Drove Itself.

It’s True What They Say About Patience Being A Virtue; It Just Happens To Be A Virtue That I Choose Not To Pursue.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

I’ll Always Be Doing Stand-up As Long As People Are Still Interested In Seeing Me.

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