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Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

-Chelsea Handler

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Everyone Knows If You're

Chelsea Handler

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Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

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Paris Hilton Has Launched A New Champagne In A Can Called Rich Prosecco. For The Ad Campaign Paris Posed Wearing Nothing But Gold Paint. That’s A Unique Way To Cover Up Herpes.

It's A Pleasure To Play My Sister Because Everything I've Accused Her Of My Whole Life, I Can Now Re-enact Before Her Eyes.

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

I Have A Question. Do You Guys Think It's Ok To Drink While You're Pregnant If You're Planning On Giving The Baby Up For Adoption?

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

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I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

If Someone Took The 'f' Letter Off Me, I'd Be Ucked.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

My Feeling Is, If A Dog Is That Hard Up To Break Free, Let It Go. It's Like A Boyfriend Who Wants To Break Up. We All Know The Old Adage "if You Set Someone Free, And He Never Comes Back, Then He Was Never Yours." I Understand The Main Fear With Setting Dogs Loose Is They Could Get Hit By A Car, But So Could An Ex Boyfriend. That's Just A Chance You Have To Take.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

I'd Like To Go Out For A Cocktail... Or Seven.

Getting Rewarded For Being Pregnant When You're A Teenager? Are You Serious? I Mean, That Makes Me Want To Kill Somebody.

In A Statement To The Associated Press Earlier In The Year, Jamie Lynn Said She Didn’t Have A Boyfriend. She Said, ‘i’m Keeping My Options Open.’ And By Options, She Meant Legs.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

My Theory About Taylor Swift Is That She's A Virgin, That Everyone Breaks Up With Her Because They Date Her For Two Weeks And She's Like, 'i'm Not Gonna Do It'.

I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

Paula Abdul's Really Impatient To Start A Family. She Says If She Has To Wait Much Longer She's Going To Go Crazy-er.

Don't Take 'no' For An Answer. Keep Knocking Down Walls Until Someone Says 'yes.'

People Always Tell Me I Need To Have A Kid, And I Say, No, I Don't. Because I Wouldn't Have Just One Kid; I'd Have Six. I Need A Huge Family. So I Just Kind Of Fill My House With Tons Of Rejects And Misfits So It Feels Like I Have A Bunch Of Children.

I Think Everyone's Afraid Of Public Speaking. There Have Been Times Where I've Come Out Of My Own Show And Been Like, 'oh, God, What Am I Doing?' . . . You Have To Remind Yourself That 'ok, I'm Kind Of A Badass. I Can Handle It.'

Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

Being That Frank And Being That Open, There's More Praise Than There Is Negativity. It's Just The Negativity Gets Printed Because You're Straight And F - Ing Rude. It's Not Rude, It's Just Getting Straight To The Point.

According To Life & Style, Lance Armstrong Was Seen Canoodling With Fitness Model Kim Strother, And The Night Before, He Was With Ashley Olsen. He's Going From Bar To Bar Picking Up Women - How Does He Get Them Home? Does He Put Them On The Handlebars, Or Does He Have A Banana Seat?

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

My Negotiation Skills Are Are On Par With George Bush's Reading Ability. And Just Like Dubya, Every Time I've Tried To Put Forth An Effort, I Am Reminded That My Only True Strength Lies In Drinking.

According To Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent May Be Working On Lindsay Lohan's Next Album. Finally, A Match Made In Rap Heaven. He's A Convicted Drug Dealer Who's Been Shot Nine Times, And She Spent 84 Minutes In Prison. This Is A Big Step For Lindsay. The Last Time Lindsay Got Near A Black Guy She Ran Over His Foot.

I Love A Stupid Joke, Something That Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

Lydia Was The Kind Of Friend Whom People Referred To As A 'party Favor' -- Always Fun To Be Around But She Doesn't Have Any Patience For Suffering Unless It's Her Own.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

Adults End Up Shading Things And Shading The Truth, And You End Up Lying And Telling People What They Want To Hear.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

You Don't Mess With Janitors, First Of All, They Have Like 40 Keys, And 1 Is To A Closet You Don't Want To Be Inside Of.

That's The Problem In My Industry. Anyone Can Go And Open A F - Ing Hotel. Anyone Can Go And Buy A Restaurant. It's Not Like A Doctor Or A Lawyer, You Need Certain Qualifications. That's The Issue.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be. If Someone Is Truly A Loyal Friend, Then They Wouldn't Need To Broadcast It; Eventually, People Will Figure It Out. I Have A Lot Of Good Friends And Not One Of Them Has Ever Introduced Themselves By Saying, 'i'm A Very Good Friend.'

It's Hard On An All-gay Softball Team Because No One Knows If They Want To Be A Pitcher Or A Catcher.

I'm Always Happy To Pitch In And Do Something. Everybody Needs To Be Laughing A Little.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

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I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

I Look Hot And, Most Of All, Skinny. I Love The Day After Throwing Up. I Felt Like A Feather.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

If You Judge A Person By The Company They Keep, Then I'm Retarded.

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I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

I Think Being Able To Have Follow-through, I Think A Lot Of People Who Are In Charge, That Is The One Quality That You Can't Forsake. You Can Get Opinions, But You Can't Have Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen When You're Envisioning Something.

It's Hard To Tell These Days What Gender People Are. You Don't Know If They're Gay, If They're Straight, Or Bruce Jenner.

I Have More Respect For Somebody Who's Like, 'yeah I Like To Party, So Screw Off,' Then For Tara , Who Talks About Not Partying And Ends Up Passed Out Underneath A Subway, Not A Subway Station, But The Actual Sandwich Shop - Two Days Later.

If You Have To Work At Mcdonald's, Good For You. But On A Side Note, Good Luck With The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

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Is Heather Mcdonald Your Best Friend? You Better Get A New One.

Your Best Friend

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

We Set Up A Bakery Called Bad Boy Bakery, To Cook On The Inside To Sell On The Outside. It Was Huge, Because It Got Them Working. I'd Give Them A Certificate To Go Back In The Community With A Skill. They Could Get A Job. We Set Up A Little Bakery And It's Gone Crazy. I Need To Be That Raw To Do The Glossy Stuff. I Need To Get Back To That Kind Of Scenario.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

The L. A. Times Is Reporting That Britney Spears' Album Blackout Will Be Number One On The Billboard Charts. Not To Toot My Horn, But I Predicted This On My Show A Week Ago. No One Wanted To Believe Me - Even I Didn't Want To Believe Me, But Now I Know How Nostradamus Feels.

There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

I Can't Be Skinny All The Time. I Like To Drink And I Like To Eat. I Like Burgers And Bagels.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon Just Got Themselves A Marriage License. I Think Before She Gets Married Again Pam Needs To Slow Down And Think About Whether This Is Really The Man She Wants To Spend Three Or Four Months Of Her Life With.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

David Hasselhoff Was Hospitalized After Falling Off The Wagon Again. He Probably Got Used To Drinking Too Much, Because For Years He Never Had To Worry About Driving Anywhere - His Car Drove Itself.

We Women Have To Stick Together.

[gordon Ramsay] Knows About Being Bullied, Because Look At The Size Of Him.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

That's Al Qaeda's New Plan: To Destroy America One Period At A Time.

I Was A Fitness Fiasco - Until I Found Pilates . . . It's Been The Most Gentle On My Body I'm Longer And Leaner And Much More Graceful. I Can Honestly Say It's Changed My Body - And My Life.

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

For Months There Have Been Rumors That J.lo Is Finally Pregnant With Marc Anthony's Baby. She Was Afraid It Might Never Happen. I'm Afraid It's Going To Look Like Marc Anthony.

It's Unfiltered Conversation And I Love It. I Also Like To Argue With Children, So It's The Perfect Platform For Me.

Good Luck Chuck, A Comedy Starring Dane Cook And Jessica Alba, Opened Today, And Critics Are Saying It Has All The Belly Laughs You’ve Come To Expect From Jessica Alba.

I Don't Like The Word 'alcoholic'. I Like To Think Of Myself As An Advanced Drinker.

One Of My Girlfriends Was Getting Married. This Was Becoming An Annoying Pattern.

The Only People I Owe An Apology To Are My Dead Parents. Except My Father Because He's Still Alive.

The Whole Thing About My Books And My Life Is That I Create Drama's Always Around Me.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

No One Has Ever Said To Me 'go Home And Make A Baby.' I Have Been Told Several Times To Go To Planned Parenthood And Make The Baby Go Away. Happy Hannukah.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

They Travel In Groups. You Never See An Asian By Their Self.

He Laid Into Me With The Same Gusto As A Right-wing Political Pundit On The O'reilly Factor Defending President's Bush Right To Vacation Six Days Out Of The Week.

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

Obviously You Want To Be Smart Enough To Take Other People's Advice And Take That Into Consideration, And Obviously Try To Surround Yourself With People That Are Smarter Than You. As Far As Sticking To Your Guns, I Think There Is No Better Advice Than To Just Find Something That You Really Give A S - About And Then Go Do It.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

I Wanted To Kick Bruce In The Taint. No One Is Just One Thing. Many Things Contribute To The Whole Of A Person, And Just Because Vodka Accounts For 50 Percent Of My Body Weight, That Doesn't Mean I Walk Around With A Vodka Drip, Forcing Every Plant, Person, Or Animal To Imbibe. I've Always Had A Disliking For Animal Trainers, And This Guy Cemented My Theory That People Who Chaperone Animals For A Living Have Never Had A Girl Sit On Their Face.

I Had Sex With A Couple Guys But It Wasn't A Baseball Team. I Saved That For My Twenties.

You Want To Do Something A Little Bit Meaningful, Because We're Not Saving The Planet Or Anything, But We Want To Contribute In A Positive Way, In A Way That Makes A Difference Or Makes Somebody Feel Something.

Making A Difference

Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

Then They Have The Audacity To Go Shopping And Pick Out Their Own Gifts. I Want To Know Who The First Person Was Who Said This Was Okay. After Spending All That Money On A Bachelorette Weekend, A Shower, And Often A Flight Across The Country, They Expect You To Go To Williams Sonoma Or Pottery Barn And Do Research? Then They Send You A Thank-you Note Applauding You For Such A Thoughtful Gift. They're The One Who Picked It Out!

Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

I Think The People In Your Life Are The People That - When You Can Make Other People Happy And You Can Give Things To Your Family And Your Friends, You Know, That's Really Obviously What Life Is All About. But It Doesn't Have To Be Children. It Doesn't Have To Be A Husband. It Can Be Whatever You Make It.

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

Next To Fat Babies, Midgets Are My Favorite Things To Hold. I Love Them So Much, And I Want To Help Them To Do Adult Things Like Drive Cars, Jet-ski, And Lip-synch. I’m In Awe Of Their Little Limbs, Their Large Craniums, And Their Medicine-ball Asses. I Love The Little Baby Steps They Take While Shifting Their Weight From Side To Side, And The Fact That When You Knock One Over Accidentally, He Flails Like A Turtle On Its Back That Can’t Get Up Right Away.

I Went Out With A Guy Who Once Told Me I Didn’t Need To Drink To Make Myself More Fun To Be Around. I Told Him, I’m Drinking So That You’re More Fun To Be Around.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

It Would Be Nice If Everybody Were A Little Bit More Mindful Of What Kind Of Product You're Putting Out There. Nothing's For Everybody. People Are Liked And Disliked, But At Least Be Mindful Of What You're Doing And What Your Message Is, And Trying To Stay True To Your Authenticity And What You're Trying To Attain Or What Your Goals Are, And Don't Let Anybody Get In The Way Of That. At The Same Time, Have A Goal, And Have A Message.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

I'm Into Politics, And I Love Watching The Heavier News Magazine Shows.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

It's A Dream Come True To Have Someone Else Portray Me. Because I've Been Living This Life For A Long Time, And I'm Over Myself.

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

I Haven't Been Manipulated. I Did A Documentary In Prison Years Ago Because I Was So F - Ed Off With Those Lazy Bastards In Their Bed For 18 Hours A Day, Five Dishes A Day On A Menu To Choose From, Playing Soccer Every Day, Going To The Gym, Watching Movies.

If You Get Into A Customer Service Fight With A Hooker, Even If You're In The Right, You're In The Wrong.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

It's Like Being A Stand-up Comedian Is What Leads To Being A Talk-show Host. That Life Is Not Cut Out For A Woman, Being On The Road At These Disgusting Hotels. What Girls Want To Do That? Gross Guys Want To Do That. I Think That The Dearth In Female Comics Is Just The Nature Of The Business, But There Certainly Isn't A Dearth Anymore, So I Think It's Just Silly.

Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

You Got Married Recently To A Rapper. It Doesn't Take Them Long To Impregnate Women.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

Kristen Stewart Always Looks Like She's Posing For Pictures Taken In A Basement By Her Creepy Uncle.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

It's Good That People Don't Like You. That's Good. It Means That You Are Doing Something Interesting.

Austin And I Proceeded To Knock Back A Couple Of Ketel One And Grapefruit Juices, Which Happened To Be My Drink Of The Moment. Someone Told Me That Grapefruit Was A Great Detoxifier And I Decided I Wanted To Start Cleaning Out My Liver While I Was Having A Cocktail.

Along With The 97 Percent Of Women Who Can See, I Have Never Been A Fan Of Redheaded Men.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

Everyone Is Coming From A Place Of Fear And My Feeling Is Stop Being So Afraid. If Something Doesn't Work Then That's Fine At Least Then You Know It Doesn't Work. Don't Worry So Much About It Not Working, You Can Always Fix That.

My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

You Know What They Say, When One Door Closes, Another Belvedere Opens.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

Everyone Knows If You're Going To Take Weed To School, You Put It In Your Trapper Keeper To Keep It Fresh.

People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

I’ll Always Be Doing Stand-up As Long As People Are Still Interested In Seeing Me.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

I Like To Just Follow What I Find Compelling. In Order For Me To Be Compelling, I Have To Be Compelled. I Don't Try To Think About What People Are Interested In Seeing, I Have To Be Interested. For Me, That Works The Best.

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

You Get Photographed Together When There's 25 People With You And People Assume That You're Having Sex, Which Is Definitely Not The Case.

If Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend, I Wonder If Blood Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend 5 Days Out Of The Month?

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Ralph Abernathy

Lord Chesterfield

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