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Another Thing I Take Issue With Are People Who Take Their Dogs On "play Dates," Or Even Worse, People Who Choose To Dress Their Dogs Up In Outfits Better Suited For Homosexuals Participating In A Gay Pride Parade. Dog Costumes Are Right Up There With Something Else I Find Particularly Offensive: Sweater Vests.

-Chelsea Handler

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Another Thing I Take

Chelsea Handler

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Another Thing I Take Issue With Are People Who Take Their Dogs On "play Dates," Or Even Worse, People Who Choose To Dress Their Dogs Up In Outfits Better Suited For Homosexuals Participating In A Gay Pride Parade. Dog Costumes Are Right Up There With Something Else I Find Particularly Offensive: Sweater Vests.

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Being That Frank And Being That Open, There's More Praise Than There Is Negativity. It's Just The Negativity Gets Printed Because You're Straight And F - Ing Rude. It's Not Rude, It's Just Getting Straight To The Point.

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A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

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Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

My Mother Told Me That Life Isn't Always About Pleasing Yourself And That Sometimes You Have To Do Things For The Sole Benefit Of Another Human Being. I Completely Agreed With Her, But Reminded Her That That Was What Blow Jobs Were For.

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

I Think They Should Make Twilight Closets And All The Cast Members Can Walk Out Of Them.

Obviously, If I Was Serious About Having A Relationship With Some One Long-term, The Last People I Would Introduce Him To Would Be My Family.

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

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I Find It Very Annoying When People Want To Sit Next To Each Other At A Booth.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

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People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

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Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

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Speak Your Mind

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I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

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I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

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We Women Have To Stick Together.

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I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

I Went Out With A Guy Who Once Told Me I Didn’t Need To Drink To Make Myself More Fun To Be Around. I Told Him, I’m Drinking So That You’re More Fun To Be Around.

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I Would Never Get Married While My Father Is Still Alive Because I Wouldn't Want Him To Walk Me Down The Aisle.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

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I Understand That If You're A Kid In Indonesia, You Need To Smoke Because You Just Got Off Work At The Nike Factory.

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Making A Difference

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Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I Wonder, How You Get By From Day To Day. It's A Good Thing You're So Voluptuous.

Funny Motivational

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

I Don't Like The Word 'alcoholic'. I Like To Think Of Myself As An Advanced Drinker.

Why Would You Go Out And Not Drink? Just Stay Home And Sit There.

I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

My Feeling Is, If A Dog Is That Hard Up To Break Free, Let It Go. It's Like A Boyfriend Who Wants To Break Up. We All Know The Old Adage "if You Set Someone Free, And He Never Comes Back, Then He Was Never Yours." I Understand The Main Fear With Setting Dogs Loose Is They Could Get Hit By A Car, But So Could An Ex Boyfriend. That's Just A Chance You Have To Take.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

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I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

Paris Hilton Is Going On A Goodwill Mission To Rwanda. It’s The First Time An Entire Third World Country Will Have To Get Immunizations For A Visitor.

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

Shamu And I Have Arrived Safely In Costa Rica. He Was Stopped By Airport Security Because He Carries Enough Artillery In His Pants Pockets To Construct A Sawed-off Shotgun. Evidently, He Though We Were Headed To Iraq.

If You Have To Work At Mcdonald's, Good For You. But On A Side Note, Good Luck With The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Christina Aguilera Finally Announced Her Pregnancy. Thanks For Waiting Until Your Third Trimester To Get The Word Out—why Not Just Wait Until You’re Crowning?

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

I Have A Question. Do You Guys Think It's Ok To Drink While You're Pregnant If You're Planning On Giving The Baby Up For Adoption?

I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

I Would Never Sell My Dog For A Man. I'd Sell The Man.

I Had An Abortion When I Was 16. Because That's What I Should Have Done. Otherwise I Would Now Have A 20-year-old Kid. Anyway, Those Are Things That People Shouldn't Be Dishonest About It.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

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