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At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

-Chelsea Handler

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At Some Point During

Chelsea Handler

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At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

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Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

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I Was So Frivolous For So Many Years. It Was So Much Fun, But You Feel Guilty About The Brain Energy You Use To Think About Whether Some Celebrity Was Sleeping With Another Celebrity. The Conjecture That Goes Along With That. You Feel Like Your Mind Has Been Shot Apart.

David Hasselhoff Was Hospitalized After Falling Off The Wagon Again. He Probably Got Used To Drinking Too Much, Because For Years He Never Had To Worry About Driving Anywhere - His Car Drove Itself.

It's A Dream Come True To Have Someone Else Portray Me. Because I've Been Living This Life For A Long Time, And I'm Over Myself.

It's Good That People Don't Like You. That's Good. It Means That You Are Doing Something Interesting.

I'm Actually Pretty Good At Tennis. Well, If I'm In The Special Olympics Or Something.

I Love People Who Have Such Passion For Complete Nonsense.

For Months There Have Been Rumors That J.lo Is Finally Pregnant With Marc Anthony's Baby. She Was Afraid It Might Never Happen. I'm Afraid It's Going To Look Like Marc Anthony.

Vomit And Feces Are Two Reason I Have Decided Not To Procreate.

I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

According To Life & Style, Lance Armstrong Was Seen Canoodling With Fitness Model Kim Strother, And The Night Before, He Was With Ashley Olsen. He's Going From Bar To Bar Picking Up Women - How Does He Get Them Home? Does He Put Them On The Handlebars, Or Does He Have A Banana Seat?

I Hate When Men Think That Money Is Gonna Buy You Happiness... I Mean, It Helps.

Why Would You Go Out And Not Drink? Just Stay Home And Sit There.

You Want To Do Something A Little Bit Meaningful, Because We're Not Saving The Planet Or Anything, But We Want To Contribute In A Positive Way, In A Way That Makes A Difference Or Makes Somebody Feel Something.

Making A Difference

It's Unfiltered Conversation And I Love It. I Also Like To Argue With Children, So It's The Perfect Platform For Me.

What About Your Constitutional Right To Bear Arms, You Say. I Would Simply Point Out That You Don’t Have To Exercise A Constitutional Right Just Because You Have It. You Have The Constitutional Right To Run For President Of The United States, But Most People Have Too Much Sense To Insist On Exercising It.

This Women/ Killer Was A Testament To My Theory That The Crazier You Are, The More Calories You Burn. That's Why Psychos Are Always So Skinny.

Adults End Up Shading Things And Shading The Truth, And You End Up Lying And Telling People What They Want To Hear.

Men Don’t Realize That If We’re Sleeping With Them On The First Date, We’re Probably Not Interested In Seeing Them Again Either.

If Someone Took The 'f' Letter Off Me, I'd Be Ucked.

It's Also A Terrible Kind Of Sentiment [ Reality Tv] For Children And For People. It Makes People Feel Like They All Want To Be Famous For No Reason.

I Couldn't Go Any Higher With Three Michelin Stars. I Mastered My Craft. I'm Still Learning And Picking Up Ideas.

I Have More Respect For Somebody Who's Like, 'yeah I Like To Party, So Screw Off,' Then For Tara , Who Talks About Not Partying And Ends Up Passed Out Underneath A Subway, Not A Subway Station, But The Actual Sandwich Shop - Two Days Later.

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

It's Hard On An All-gay Softball Team Because No One Knows If They Want To Be A Pitcher Or A Catcher.

Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

People Who Have Experience And Credentials, They Should Be Talking About That [donald Trump Presenting On Tv]. I Know Everybody Cares About Ratings, But Come On. The Whole World Is Watching.

When You See The Veins Popping Out Of My Neck, That's An Exclamation Point.

Exclamation Points

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

Getting Rewarded For Being Pregnant When You're A Teenager? Are You Serious? I Mean, That Makes Me Want To Kill Somebody.

I Think The People I Talk About Are Generally So Stupid That They Don't Even Know I'm Saying Bad Things About Them. I've Run Into Paris Hilton And She's Like, Oh, I Love Your Show. And I'm Like, You Can't Love My Show If You Can Hear.

I Think Being Able To Have Follow-through, I Think A Lot Of People Who Are In Charge, That Is The One Quality That You Can't Forsake. You Can Get Opinions, But You Can't Have Too Many Cooks In The Kitchen When You're Envisioning Something.

I Was A Fitness Fiasco - Until I Found Pilates . . . It's Been The Most Gentle On My Body I'm Longer And Leaner And Much More Graceful. I Can Honestly Say It's Changed My Body - And My Life.

That Just Sends The Wrong Message To Everybody. [donald Trump] Should Have The Least Amount Of Air Time.

Whoever Calls And Asks Me To Do Stuff And Obviously, With Having Your Own Tv Show, People Want You To Get Involved. They Know You're A Stand-up Comedian So They're Always Looking For Somebody Funny To Host An Event.

Don't Choose The Better Guy, Choose The Guy That's Gonna Make You The Better Girl

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

Britney Spears' Album Blackout Is One Of The Hottest-selling Cds In The Country. We're In A Bad Place, People: The World Is Melting, We're At War, And Two And A Half Men Is A Huge Hit.

Another Thing I Take Issue With Are People Who Take Their Dogs On "play Dates," Or Even Worse, People Who Choose To Dress Their Dogs Up In Outfits Better Suited For Homosexuals Participating In A Gay Pride Parade. Dog Costumes Are Right Up There With Something Else I Find Particularly Offensive: Sweater Vests.

I Don't Think The Problem Is Telling People You're On A Diet. The Problem Is Eating Ice Cream For Breakfast.

You Just Be Honest About Who You Are, And If You Dont End Up With Any Friends, Then Good For You.

I Can Remember My First One-night Stand Like It Was Yesterday. Well, Maybe Not The First. Or The Second... Or The Fifth. I'll Just Begin With What I Can Remember And Not Concern Myself With Order.

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I Don't Want To Be Oprah [winfrey], I'm Not Trying To Be Barbara Walters, But We Can All Do Better.

If You Wait Too Long In Vegas, You End Up With A Chicken Finger In Your Underwear.

Most Republicans Are Against Contraception Because They Don't Care About It. You Can't Get Pregnant Anally Anyway.

Are You There Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea. Please Get Me Out Of Jail And I Promise I Will Never Drink Again. Drink And Drive. I Will Never Drink And Drive Again. I May Even Start My Own Group Fashioned After Madd, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, But I'll Call It Awltdash, Alcoholics Who Like To Drink And Stay Home.

I'm Not That Shallow, Asshole. I Don't Need Money. It's Way More Important For Them To Be Good-looking.

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I Got A Vibrator That Needed Two Nine Volt Batteries. What Am I - R2d2? I Don't Know What To Do With That.

I Had To Feign Interest In All This Nonsense Until I Could Ask When I Could Come Over And Sit On His Face. I Didn't Say That Out Loud, Of Course. I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

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I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

You Get Photographed Together When There's 25 People With You And People Assume That You're Having Sex, Which Is Definitely Not The Case.

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My Feeling Is, If A Dog Is That Hard Up To Break Free, Let It Go. It's Like A Boyfriend Who Wants To Break Up. We All Know The Old Adage "if You Set Someone Free, And He Never Comes Back, Then He Was Never Yours." I Understand The Main Fear With Setting Dogs Loose Is They Could Get Hit By A Car, But So Could An Ex Boyfriend. That's Just A Chance You Have To Take.

Every Time John Travolta Assaults A Masseur, A Scientologist Gets Their Wings.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

Mexico's A Great Place To Overcome A Drug Addiction.

We Women Have To Stick Together.

We Spend So Much Money On These Dresses That Are Terrible. And What Do We Get Out Of It? Nothing - A Piece Of Chicken And A Roll In The Hay With Her Hillbilly Cousin - No Thank You. My Family's Very Close; I Can Do That At Home.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

Hulk Hogan's Wife Has Filed For Divorce. This Is The Most Devastating Breakup Since Pam Anderson And Tommy Lee. And Then Pam Anderson And Kid Rock. And Soon, Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon.

I Tried To Put Myself Up For Adoption Several Times.

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In These Tough Economic Times, Everybody Has To Cut Back. I Am Down To Three Tabs Of Ecstasy A Day.

Tough Economic Times

I Don't Mean To Be A Racist But If You're Going To Get Raped By A Japanese Guy, It's Not Going To Hurt At All.

But Then, Like George Michael In A Men's Bathroom, I Got Cocky.

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

Rumer Willis Was Having A Great Time At The Opening Of A Club When Her Twin Walked In, Also Known As Her Dad, Bruce Willis. How Embarrassing For Her, She's Out With Her Friends And They're Like, 'umm, Rumer, I Think Your Dad Put Something In My Drink.'

I Have A Question. Do You Guys Think It's Ok To Drink While You're Pregnant If You're Planning On Giving The Baby Up For Adoption?

A Lot Of Amazing Comedians That I've Worked With Just Really Follow Their Instincts And You Can't Really Teach Someone Comedic Timing. And You Just Kind Of Have It.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

It Became Clear When I Got In My Car That Persians Are Only Really Good For Two Things. Oil And Hummus.

I Have Been On A Life-long Search Of How To Stay In Shape Without Putting Any Effort Into It Whatsoever.

Good Luck Chuck, A Comedy Starring Dane Cook And Jessica Alba, Opened Today, And Critics Are Saying It Has All The Belly Laughs You’ve Come To Expect From Jessica Alba.

I've Always Been Exactly Who I Am On Tv. I'm Not Playing A Role.

I Don't Like People Who Have Babies And Act Like They Did Something That The Rest Of Us Can't Figure Out. Anybody Can Have One, Ok? I Could Have Had Three If I Had Gone Through With Any Of My Pregnancies.

I Definitely Don't Want To Have Kids ... I Don't Think I'd Be A Great Mother. I'm A Great Aunt Or Friend Of A Mother ... I Don't Want To Spend That Kind Of Time. I Don't Want To Have A Kid And Have It Raised By A Nanny. I Don't Have Time To Raise A Child.

I Like To Just Follow What I Find Compelling. In Order For Me To Be Compelling, I Have To Be Compelled. I Don't Try To Think About What People Are Interested In Seeing, I Have To Be Interested. For Me, That Works The Best.

We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

My Theory About Taylor Swift Is That She's A Virgin, That Everyone Breaks Up With Her Because They Date Her For Two Weeks And She's Like, 'i'm Not Gonna Do It'.

According To Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent May Be Working On Lindsay Lohan's Next Album. Finally, A Match Made In Rap Heaven. He's A Convicted Drug Dealer Who's Been Shot Nine Times, And She Spent 84 Minutes In Prison. This Is A Big Step For Lindsay. The Last Time Lindsay Got Near A Black Guy She Ran Over His Foot.

I Wasn’t Like 'oh, I'm Going To Marry 50 Cent...' I Mean, Seriously. But I Did Like Him. He's Very Sweet And Antithetical To What You'd Think Of Him.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

There Are No Warning Signs On The Trampoline. The Warning Is The Trampoline.

Tara Reid Is Charging $3,500 For A Personal Appearance Fee. So, For Only $3,500 You Can Either Buy A 1998 Jetta With 130,000 Miles On It... Or Tara Reid, Who Only Has 98,000 Miles On Her.

He Was All Emotion All The Time, Constantly Talking About His Feelings And His Profound Love For Her. He Was Minutes From Getting His First Period. He Wrote Poems Too. It's My Personal Belief That If Men Are Writing Poems, They're Making Up For Something Else Like A Big Hair Back, Or One Ball. Not That One Ball Is A Bad Thing. Especially Since I Don't Know Any Females Who Are Dying To Their Their Hands On A Set Of Balls. The Way I See It, The Less Balls, The Better.

My Relationship With My Father Had Been On The Proverbial Fritz Since The Time I Was Fifteen And Called The Police To Report Him For Child Molesting. He Had Never Molested Me, But I Wanted To Have A Party That Weekend And Needed Him Out Of The House.

I Think They Should Make Twilight Closets And All The Cast Members Can Walk Out Of Them.

Have You Ever Been To An Aa Meeting? No Wonder These People Are Alcoholics - I've Never Needed A Drink More Badly In My Life.

My Whole Life Is Reading Tabloid Magazines. It’s Really Sad, Because That’s What My Show Is All About — What Is Going On With Celebrities. So I Have To Know Everything.

Pam Anderson And Rick Salomon Just Got Themselves A Marriage License. I Think Before She Gets Married Again Pam Needs To Slow Down And Think About Whether This Is Really The Man She Wants To Spend Three Or Four Months Of Her Life With.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

I'm Not Graceful Either. I Have No Rhythm, I'm Never On Top.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

There Should Be A Talent That Goes Along With Being Famous.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

Ivory's The Kind Of Girl Who Gets Drunk And Immediately Starts Slurring. I Have A Lot Of Friends Like That, And I Think It's Because It Makes Me Look 'more Together.

I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work This Hard.

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

We're Doing A Bunch Of Shoots With Kids About The Election, About Politics, About Racism. I Like To Talk About Heavy Topics With Kids Because You Find Out What Their Parents Are Feeding Them At Home, And Then You Find Out Their Quick Reactions To Things. It's So Refreshing When Kids Are So Honest.

Why He Would Agree To Install An Eight-by-eight-foot Fish Tank And Then Not Fill It With A Single Dolphin Made Me Want To Burn His Eyebrows Off.

A Muslim Allowed A Topless Jew To Sit On His Camel. And We Say We Can't Live Side By Side? I Say We Try And We Can And We Will. And You Don't Even Have To Be Topless. L'chaim.

Can You Imagine Getting A Gun For A Secret Santa? That Is Especially Not A Good Idea If You Work In A Post Office.

People Tend To Call Me Names That I Can't Repeat On Basic Cable. I Will Give You A Hint. They Rhyme With Itch, Hunt, & Bore.

It's Been My Experience That People Who Make Proclamations About Themselves Are Usually The Opposite Of What They Claim To Be.

Paula Abdul's Really Impatient To Start A Family. She Says If She Has To Wait Much Longer She's Going To Go Crazy-er.

I Like To Laugh. It's Kind Of Escapism. I Like To Make People Laugh. And I Kind Of Like People Just To Have To Not Think About Anything

A Federal Grand Jury Is Investigating Allegations That David Copperfield Raped, Assaulted And Threatened A Woman He Took To His Private Island In The Bahamas In July. What Happened To The Good Old Days When A Guy Would Just Saw You In Half?

I'll Tell You What Can Make Bacon Better... Nothing.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

My Negotiation Skills Are Are On Par With George Bush's Reading Ability. And Just Like Dubya, Every Time I've Tried To Put Forth An Effort, I Am Reminded That My Only True Strength Lies In Drinking.

That's What My Perfume Would Smell Like, Margarita And Vodka.

I Think When I Envisioned My Documentaries, What I Wanted To Do When I Left, I Had No Business Doing Those Documentaries. I Didn't Know What I Was Doing. I Was Delving Into An Arena That I Had No Experience In, And Netflix Paired Me Up With Two Documentarians That Really Executed My Vision Perfectly. That Was Great, To See That. All Of A Sudden I'm At Sundance, And Those Are Premiering. I Just Thought, "wow, They Were Four Ideas I Pitched One Day, And Now It's Coming To Fruition On This Scale."

The Whole Thing About My Books And My Life Is That I Create Drama's Always Around Me.

The Important Thing Is To Be Drunk.

Important Things

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As You Get Older, Then You Finally Come Back Around Full Circle When You Don't Give A S - Anymore And You Decide I'm Going To Just Tell The Truth To Everybody. I Don't Give A S - If Anybody Likes Me.

Angelina Jolie’s Older Brother James Haven, The One She Made Out With, Has A License Plate On His Suv That Reads Shiloh. Maybe It’s Not That Weird. After All, He Could Be The Father.

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

You Should Always Speak Your Mind, And Be Bold, And Be Obnoxious, And Do Whatever You Want And Don’t Let Anybody Tell You To Stop It.

Speak Your Mind

Amy Winehouse's Mother Wrote An Open Letter To The News Of The World Newspaper Telling Amy She's Worried About Her And To Please Call Her. I Doubt This Is The Best Way To Communicate With Amy - She Should Try Spelling It Out In Lines Of Cocaine.

There Are Two Kinds Of People I Don't Trust: People Who Don't Drink And People Who Collect Stickers.

I Think Bullying Of Anybody, Whether They're Gay Or Straight Or Anything In High School Is Unbearable.

I Wish It Was That Easy To Get Turned On For Me - At This Point, I Need A Bottle Of Belevere And A Fighterjet.

Reality Tv's Pretty Tricky For Me. I Don't Really Watch Anything Like That, Because I Think It's Brain-sucking.

Anyone Who Is Friends With Bill Clinton Shouldn't Be Telling Their Wife About It.

My Father Has A High Opinion Of His Opinion

My Message Is Strong And My Belief Is Strong, In The Fact That We Can Still Be Provocative And Have Fun And Just Get Informed.

As A Woman, We Should All Stop Talking About It And Just Acknowledge What's Happened And Act Like We Own The Space, Because We Do.

The Only Thing Worse Than Dating A Single Mom Is Dating A Single Mom That Won't Put Out.

When I Look At All The People That I Have Working For Me And The Company I've Started And All The People That Benefit From It And Have A Living Because Of It, It's Very Motivating To Continue To Do It.

Hispanics Still Have The Highest Rate Amongst Teens With Babies So At Least The Future Housekeeping Is Secure.

I Never Say The Things I Really Want To. If I Did, I'd Have No Friends.

How Do You Think Jail Was?! I Got Face Raped By A Woman... And I Think I May Have Liked It.

If You Want To Have Sex With Strangers, You Have To Do It The Old Fashion Way And Become A Prostitute.

Even If Times Are Tough And You're Enduring A Terrible Heartache, It's Important To Focus Your Anger On A Vibrator, Not Another Person.

The Challenge Is To Keep It Fresh. If You're Talking About Britney Spears Over And Over, It's Very Hard To Keep That Interesting.

You've Got Guys On Freeways With Motorbikes With No Helmets On, You Can't Drink Until You're 21 And We Wonder Why So Many Youth Are Smoking F - Ing Cannabis, And You Can Start Driving Here At 15. How F - Ed Up Is That?

I'm Very Much About Letting Other People Shine, Because It Makes Us All Shine Brighter.

I Don't Understand What Apps Are On My Phone. Why Do They Ask For Passwords? Why Do They All Ask For Different Passwords? It's So Frustrating That I End Up Just Reading A Book Every Time I Try To Go Online.

One Of My Girlfriends Was Getting Married. This Was Becoming An Annoying Pattern.

I Can't Be Skinny All The Time. I Like To Drink And I Like To Eat. I Like Burgers And Bagels.

Seeing Your Mother Naked Is Not Something You Easily Recover From. Seeing Your Mother Naked And Jumping From One Side Of A King-sized Bed To The Other With A Nurse's Hat On While Your Father, Who Is Also Naked, Is Chasing Her With A Bandanna Around His Neck, Is Reason To Put Yourself Up For Adoption.

According To The New York Post, Lance Armstrong And Ashley Olsen Are Dating. They Must Be Getting Serious - Lance Gave Ashley His Yellow Live Strong Bracelet. She Wears It As A Belt.

I Had Sex With A Couple Guys But It Wasn't A Baseball Team. I Saved That For My Twenties.

... Some Of The Best Sex I Can Barely Remember.

I Hate That People Assume Guys Are The Only Ones To Want Sex. Girls Want Sex, Too, And That Shouldn't Be A Problem.

No One Has Ever Said To Me 'go Home And Make A Baby.' I Have Been Told Several Times To Go To Planned Parenthood And Make The Baby Go Away. Happy Hannukah.

We Set Up A Bakery Called Bad Boy Bakery, To Cook On The Inside To Sell On The Outside. It Was Huge, Because It Got Them Working. I'd Give Them A Certificate To Go Back In The Community With A Skill. They Could Get A Job. We Set Up A Little Bakery And It's Gone Crazy. I Need To Be That Raw To Do The Glossy Stuff. I Need To Get Back To That Kind Of Scenario.

There's A Mcdonalds In Hong Kong & They're Offering Couples The Opportunity To Get Married. You Can Have A Mcwedding.

Sometimes, Chelsea, I Wonder, How You Get By From Day To Day. It's A Good Thing You're So Voluptuous.

Funny Motivational

Then They Have The Audacity To Go Shopping And Pick Out Their Own Gifts. I Want To Know Who The First Person Was Who Said This Was Okay. After Spending All That Money On A Bachelorette Weekend, A Shower, And Often A Flight Across The Country, They Expect You To Go To Williams Sonoma Or Pottery Barn And Do Research? Then They Send You A Thank-you Note Applauding You For Such A Thoughtful Gift. They're The One Who Picked It Out!

Then A Homeless Man With A Dog Approached Us And Put His Hand Out. This Happens To Be Something That I Have A Real Problem With: Homeless People With Pets Who Approach You For Food When They Have A Perfectly Delicious Dog Standing Right There?

The L. A. Times Is Reporting That Britney Spears' Album Blackout Will Be Number One On The Billboard Charts. Not To Toot My Horn, But I Predicted This On My Show A Week Ago. No One Wanted To Believe Me - Even I Didn't Want To Believe Me, But Now I Know How Nostradamus Feels.

There's A Reason You Never See Anyone's House With A Beware Of Cat Sign. Because They're Not Even Worth Mentioning.

My Mom Was Kinda Like A Cat. She Slept A Lot.

Absolutely I'm Going To Be Talking About It, Because It's In The Zeitgeist And It's Happening. It's An Election Year. It's The Biggest Election. Every Election Is A Big Election, So Whenever Anybody Says That It Kinds Of Grates Me, But It's A Fiasco. It's Turned Into A Complete Circus Act, So Of Course You Have To Make Fun Of It, But Responsible Journalists Definitely Are Being Irresponsible. They're Giving [donald Trump] So Much Air Time.

I Was In A Tailspin Of Confusion I Hadn't Experienced Since The First Time I Heard George W. Bush Speak.

[late-night Host] Is Not Really A Job For A Woman. You Can't Have Kids And Be A Late-night Host.i Mean Samantha Bee Has Children, But You're There All Day And All Night. No One Has A Life Outside Of It. I Would Never Try To Have A Family. I Care Much More About A Career Anyway, Than Having A Family, So That's My Own Prerogative. It's Just Not Something That A Woman.

I Think The People In Your Life Are The People That - When You Can Make Other People Happy And You Can Give Things To Your Family And Your Friends, You Know, That's Really Obviously What Life Is All About. But It Doesn't Have To Be Children. It Doesn't Have To Be A Husband. It Can Be Whatever You Make It.

For The Gay And Lesbian Community, Even Though I'm Not Gay I Think Its Really Important To Speak Out For People That Aren't Necessarily Dealing With The Same Circumstances You're Dealing With And Don't Have The Benefit Of The Health Care System Or The Government That You Do.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

To Always Trust My Instincts, To Always Believe I Have Something To Offer — No Matter How Meaningless Or Stupid It May Be — And To Never Listen To Anyone Who Tells You ‘no.’

It Always Freaks Me Out When I Go To A Sushi Place And There's A Mexican.

I Try To Not Overthink Anything. I Don't Understand Why Nipples Are Nudity. Who Cares? Men Can Show Their Nipples But If We Have Breasts We Can't Show Them?

Obviously You Want To Be Smart Enough To Take Other People's Advice And Take That Into Consideration, And Obviously Try To Surround Yourself With People That Are Smarter Than You. As Far As Sticking To Your Guns, I Think There Is No Better Advice Than To Just Find Something That You Really Give A S - About And Then Go Do It.

When You Have A Vision, You Have To See It Through, And You Can Make Anything Happen. You Really Can, Especially In This [entertainment ] Industry.

There's Tons Of Information On The Internet, So If You Type In Cancer, They'll Give You 15, 000 Different Options To Get Involved With Cancer. It's Very Easy To Get Involved If You Want To Get Involved, Especially To Volunteer Your Time.

Have You Ever Experienced A Pain So Sharp In Your Heart That It's All You Can Do To Take A Breath? It's A Pain You Wouldn't Wish On Your Worst Enemy; You Wouldn't Want To Pass It On To Anyone Else For Fear He Or She Might Not Be Able To Bear It. It's The Pain Of Being Betrayed By A Person With Whom You've Fallen In Love. It's Not As Serious As Death, But It Feels A Whole Lot Like It, And As I've Come To Learn, Pain Is Pain Any Way You Slice It.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

Paris Hilton Is Going On A Goodwill Mission To Rwanda. It’s The First Time An Entire Third World Country Will Have To Get Immunizations For A Visitor.

I'm Not Going To Blow Up Just For The Sake Of It, Because It's On Tv. That's Not The Issue.

George Clooney And Fabio Apparently Got Into A Scuffle At A Restaurant In Los Angeles Over The Weekend. George Thought The Women With Fabio Were Taking Pictures Of Him. How Embarrassed Is George Clooney To Be In A Fight With Fabio? Who Is He Going To Call Out Next, Lorenzo Lamas?

You Don't Give Something Away Because It's Fat. You Take It And You Look At It.

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

The Only Reason I Think I Would Marry A Foreigner Would Be To Have Kids With Weird Accents.

You Should Never Be Mean To Other Girls. I Don't Care What Grade You're In. Be Nice To People Until You're My Age... And You Have Your Own Tv Show.

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