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Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

-Chelsea Handler

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Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed

Chelsea Handler

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Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

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Rest Of Your Life

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Making A Difference

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Tough Economic Times

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Women Don't Have To Be Jealous Of Other Women.

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I'd Like To Go Out For A Cocktail... Or Seven.

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Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

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I Wanted To Be A Comedian, I Wanted People To Laugh At What I Was Saying, Not To Be Staring At My Boobs Or Wearing A Skirt And Show Off My ... I Just Didn't Think That That Was The Best Way To Get Taken Seriously In That World.

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Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

They Travel In Groups. You Never See An Asian By Their Self.

This Kind Of Mixing Of Ingredients Happens All The Time At Fast-food Places... You Know When You Order French Fries And There's A Rogue Onion Ring At The Bottom. You Know, At First You're Alarmed But You Eat It. It All Comes From The Same Place! You Just Have To Go For It.

It Would Be Nice If Everybody Were A Little Bit More Mindful Of What Kind Of Product You're Putting Out There. Nothing's For Everybody. People Are Liked And Disliked, But At Least Be Mindful Of What You're Doing And What Your Message Is, And Trying To Stay True To Your Authenticity And What You're Trying To Attain Or What Your Goals Are, And Don't Let Anybody Get In The Way Of That. At The Same Time, Have A Goal, And Have A Message.

A Catholic Priest Who’s Been Sending Threatening Notes To Conan O’brien Was Charged With Stalking In The Fourth Degree. It Just Goes To Show You That People Can Become Obsessed With Redheads.

I Don't Appreciate People Who Celebrate Their Dog's Birthdays With "dog Parties," And Then Invite Their Friends Who Don't Even Have Dogs. I Understand Why People Like Dogs, And I Think They Definitely Bring More To The Table Than Cats Or Those Godforsaken Ferrets, But I Don't Think It's Healthy For People To Treat Their Dogs Like They Are Real People.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

The L. A. Times Is Reporting That Britney Spears' Album Blackout Will Be Number One On The Billboard Charts. Not To Toot My Horn, But I Predicted This On My Show A Week Ago. No One Wanted To Believe Me - Even I Didn't Want To Believe Me, But Now I Know How Nostradamus Feels.

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How Do You Think Jail Was?! I Got Face Raped By A Woman... And I Think I May Have Liked It.

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You Know You're A Hot Mess When The Only Person Buying You Drinks All Night Is Yourself.

I Have No Idea Why Gay Men Love Me, But I Would Have To Assume It's Because They Know How Much I Love The Gays! Everyone Needs A Good Gay Man In Their Life.

The Last Time A Straight Man Worked In The Fashion Industry, We Got A Fanny Pack.

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There's A Difference Between Watching A Chef Show, Which Doesn't Feel Like A Reality Show Compared To The Housewives. Those Shows Can, I Think, Not Only Lower Your Iq, But Really Just Knock The Wind Out Of You, Because We're All Here In This Business.

People Confuse The Fact That I Discuss Drinking Openly With The Idea That I'm A Heavy Drinker. I Don't Want Girls At My Show Wasted, Screaming And Yelling Out And Vomiting.

I Think The People I Talk About Are Generally So Stupid That They Don't Even Know I'm Saying Bad Things About Them. I've Run Into Paris Hilton And She's Like, Oh, I Love Your Show. And I'm Like, You Can't Love My Show If You Can Hear.

People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

Kristen Stewart Always Looks Like She's Posing For Pictures Taken In A Basement By Her Creepy Uncle.

I’m A Ridiculous Person. If You Take Anything Any Comedian Says Seriously, Then You’re Stupid.

People Push My Buttons, So I'm Going To React.

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Florence Nightingale

Richard Schickel

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