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I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

-Chelsea Handler

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I Would Rather Sit

Chelsea Handler

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I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

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I Would Rather Sit Next To A Transgender Person And Discuss Why Every Single One I've Met Smells Like A Bar In The Daytime Than Listen To People Tell My Why I Want To Have Children And That I Just Don't Know It Yet. I Do Know, Because I'm Me And My Feelings Are The Ones In My Head. I Don't Want To Have Kids, And It's Not A Device To Get Attention Or Have Conversations About It. I Simply Find Children Incredibly Immature And, More Often Than Not, Dumb.

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I Like To Stay At Home And Sit On My Ass.

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We Got To His Place And It Looked A Lot Like His Personality. Just A Bunch Of Space Filler, Nothing To Really Wow You. It Looked Like He Had Bought A Lot Of Stuff From Ikea And Then Decided To Refinish It At Home. Everything Was Neat And Tidy, But You Wouldn't Want Any Of It For Yourself.

Why Would You Go Out And Not Drink? Just Stay Home And Sit There.

We're Not Actors, We're People Behaving Like Ourselves On Tv. We're Both [me And Gordon Ramsay] Exactly Who We Are On Tv. I Don't Think Either One Is An Exaggerated Version. You Just Have To Be Who You Are.

You Got Married Recently To A Rapper. It Doesn't Take Them Long To Impregnate Women.

A Lot Of People Think That Keying A Car Isn't The Right Way To Get Back At A Guy. I Disagree.

Or People Who Have One Baby And Go Buy A Minivan... How Big Is Your Baby?

Kiefer Sutherland Has Agreed To Serve 48 Days In Jail For His Dui Convictions. That's 245 Months In Jack Bauer Years.

Boy George Has Been Charged With Falsely Imprisoning A Man Who'd Gone To His Apartment To Pose For Photographs. Going To Boy George's House To Get Your Picture Taken Is Like Going To David Copperfield's Island For A Radio Opportunity.

Adults End Up Shading Things And Shading The Truth, And You End Up Lying And Telling People What They Want To Hear.

I Will Probably Have Sex With Eminem After The Show Is Over. Probably, I Dont See Why I Wouldnt. Im Fair Game, Its Not Like Im That Picky, Youve Seen The Guys Ive Dated. I Like Swizz Beatz, Just Because I Would Like To Yell Out In Bed, Swizz Beatz! Keep It Coming!

Obviously Its Nice To Give Your Time And Especially When There Is Money Being Raised. It's Rewarding.

I Have More Respect For Somebody Who's Like, 'yeah I Like To Party, So Screw Off,' Then For Tara , Who Talks About Not Partying And Ends Up Passed Out Underneath A Subway, Not A Subway Station, But The Actual Sandwich Shop - Two Days Later.

George Clooney And Fabio Apparently Got Into A Scuffle At A Restaurant In Los Angeles Over The Weekend. George Thought The Women With Fabio Were Taking Pictures Of Him. How Embarrassed Is George Clooney To Be In A Fight With Fabio? Who Is He Going To Call Out Next, Lorenzo Lamas?

We Usually Have Margaritas On Thursdays But Since It's Tuesday I'll Make An Exception.

Our Relationship Finally Ended When He Took To Waking Me Up In The Wee Hours O The Morning When He Would Go Surfing. He Thought It Might Be Fun To Have Me Come Watch. "fun For Who?" I Wanted To Ask. I Had Never Asked Him To Come To Happy Hour And Watch Me Drink.

I'm A Worker. I Like To Work And I Like To Provide Work For Other People. I Like To Put People On My Show Who Normally Would Never Have A Chance At Being On Television.

A Hotel Room All To Myself Is My Idea Of A Good Time.

I Know They Don't Recommend Ibuprofen During Pregnancy, But You Needed Something Fast For The Hangovers.

Lydia Was The Kind Of Friend Whom People Referred To As A 'party Favor' -- Always Fun To Be Around But She Doesn't Have Any Patience For Suffering Unless It's Her Own.

Maybe They Should Name More Drugs Cute Things. I Don't Do Meth, But Maybe If They Called Meth 'stefanie' I Would!

My Tendency To Make Up Stories And Lie Compulsively For The Sake Of My Own Amusement Takes Up A Good Portion Of My Day And Provides Me With A Peace Of Mind Not Easily Attainable In This Economic Climate.

If You Get Into A Customer Service Fight With A Hooker, Even If You're In The Right, You're In The Wrong.

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Let's All Help Each Other Be A Little Bit Better At Being Human Beings.

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Jessica Simpson Attended Boyfriend Tony Romo's Football Game. The Cowboys Quarterback Had The Worst Game Of His Career. It's A Bad Year For The Name Simpson. Even O. J. Is Pissed - He Feels Like They're Making His Name Look Bad.

People Ask Me Why I'm So Hard On Men. It's Because They've Gotten A Really Easy Ride. And It's Not That I Think Women Should Take Over The World. But I Do Think It Should Be 50/50.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.

Guarantees That

I Don't Like People Who Drink Decaf Coffee It's Like What. Why You Drinking It? Like It Taste So Good? That's Like Drinking Non Alcoholic Vodka.

At Some Point During Almost Every Romantic Comedy, The Female Lead Suddenly Trips And Falls, Stumbling Helplessly Over Something Ridiculous Like A Leaf, And Then Some Matthew Mcconaughey Type Either Whips Around The Corner Just In The Nick Of Time To Save Her Or Is Clumsily Pulled Down Along With Her. That Event Predictably Leads To The Magical Moment Of Their First Kiss. Please. I Fall All The Time. You Know Who Comes And Gets Me? The Bouncer.

I Think We Can All Agree That Sleeping Around Is A Great Way To Meet People.

Laugh Loudly, Laugh Often, And Most Important, Laugh At Yourself.

Instead Of Having A Baby, Why Dont You Get A Tattoo Of A Baby First, And See How That Works Out For Six Months To A Year, And Then See If You're Ready To Have A Baby.

Nothing Is More American Than Stuffing Your Face With Loaded Potato Skins While Drinking Loaded Mudslides.

That's Al Qaeda's New Plan: To Destroy America One Period At A Time.

When I Don't Know What To Do, I Just Open My Mouth. Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

I Don't Cook... I Don't Know How To Clean... There's May Be A Good Chance I'm An Alcoholic.

If You Can't Trust Your Coke Dealer, Who Can You Trust?

It's A Pleasure To Play My Sister Because Everything I've Accused Her Of My Whole Life, I Can Now Re-enact Before Her Eyes.

As You Get Older, Then You Finally Come Back Around Full Circle When You Don't Give A S - Anymore And You Decide I'm Going To Just Tell The Truth To Everybody. I Don't Give A S - If Anybody Likes Me.

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Saffron Burrows

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