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My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

-Erma Bombeck

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My Mother Won't Admit

Erma Bombeck

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My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

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Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.

My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.

Funny Valentines Day

I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.

Before And After

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

With Boys, You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

The More I Think About It, The More There Is To Be Said For The Sloth. He Sleeps Fifteen To Eighteen Hours A Day And Is Known To Have Taken Forty-eight Days To Travel Four Miles. He Hangs In The Trees After He's Dead. But He Lives Longer Than The Cheetah.

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

Never Be In A Hurry To Terminate A Marriage. Remember, You May Need This Man/woman To Finish A Sentence.

If The Nest Is Truly Empty, Who Owns All This Junk?

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

Any Mother With Half A Skull Knows That When Daddy's Little Boy Becomes Mommy's Little Boy, The Kid Is So Wet He's Treading Water.

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

Volunteers Are The Only Human Beings On The Face Of The Earth Who Reflect This Nation's Compassion, Unselfish Caring, Patience, And Just Plain Love For One Another.

Adults Are Always Telling Young People, 'these Are The Best Years Of Your Life.' Are They? I Don't Know. Sometimes When Adults Say This To Children I Look Into Their Faces. They Look Like Someone On The Top Seat Of The Ferris Wheel Who Has Had Too Much Cotton Candy And Barbecue. They'd Like To Get Off And Be Sick But Everyone Keeps Telling Them What A Good Time They're Having.

Best Years Of Your Life

I Have Finally Mastered What To Do With The Second Tennis Ball. Having Small Hands, I Was Becoming Terribly Self-conscious About Keeping It In A Can In The Car While I Served The First One. I Noted Some Women Tucked The Second Ball Just Inside The Elastic Leg Of Their Tennis Panties. I Tried, But Found The Space Already Occupied By A Leg. Now, I Simply Drop The Second Ball Down My Cleavage, Giving Me A Chest That Often Stuns My Opponent Throughout An Entire Set.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

I Got To Thinking One Day About All Those Women On The Titanic Who Passed Up Dessert At Dinner That Fateful Night.

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Happy Mothers Day

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.

I Never Go To A College Reunion That I Don't Come Away Feeling Sorry For All Those Paunchy, Balding Jocks Trying To Hang Onto Youth. I Feel Sorry For The Men, Too.

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.

A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.

Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

You Always Hear About Fashion's Success Stories. How A Starlet Lost An Earring One Night And By The Next Morning, The Entire Country Was Wearing One Earring. Or How Sweaters Made A Comeback In A Drugstore, Or A First Lady Influenced How We Dressed During Her Reign. But What About The Losers? The Fashions That Came And Went Out The Same Day? The Hopes And Dreams Of Designers That Were Shattered By The Sound Of Fifty Million Women ... Laughing Themselves To Death.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

I Got So Much Food Spit Back In My Face When My Kids Were Small, I Put Windshield Wipers On My Glasses.

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

I Don't Know Why No One Ever Thought To Paste A Label On The Toilet-tissue Spindle Giving 1-2-3 Directions For Replacing The Tissue On It. Then Everyone In The House Would Know What Mama Knows.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

In The South Pacific, Because Of Their Size, Mosquitoes Are Required To File Flight Plans.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

Phrases And Their Actual Meanings: My Teacher Has Never Liked Me. Expect A Phone Call Before Lunch From The Teacher Informing You That Your Child Has Been Launching Hot Dogs By Compressing Them Inside A Small Thermos And Then Removing The Lid Quickly.

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

It Is Upsetting To Many Parents That Their Teen-agers Introduce Them To Their Friends As Encyclopedia Salesmen Who Are Just Passing Through ... If They Introduce Them At All. I Have Some Acquaintances Who Hover In Dark Parking Lots, Enter Church Separately And Crouch In Furnace Rooms So Their Teen-agers Will Not Be Accused Of Having Parents.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.

Maybe You Know Why A Child Can Reject A Hot Dog With Mustard Served On A Soft Bun At Home, Yet Eat Six Of Them Two Hours Later At Fifty Cents Each.

It Is Ludicrous To Read The Microwave Direction On The Boxes Of Food You Buy, As Each One Will Have A Disclaimer: This Will Vary With Your Microwave. Loosely Translated, This Means, You're On Your Own, Bernice.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

Women Are Never What They Seem To Be. There Is The Woman You See And There Is The Woman Who Is Hidden. Buy The Gift For The Woman Who Is Hidden.

I Learned The Importance Of A Man's Chair Early In Life. I Learned That He May Love Several Wives, Embrace Several Cars, Be True To More Than One Political Philosophy, And Be Equally Committed To Several Careers, But He Will Have Only One Comfortable Chair In His Life. I Learned It Will Be An Ugly Chair. It Will Match Nothing In The Entire House. It Will Never Wear Out.

I Became Hysterical And Frightened And Begged For Sedation. And That Was Just The First Prenatal Visit.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

I Have Never Understood, For Example, How Come A Child Can Climb Up On The Roof, Scale The Tv Antenna, And Rescue The Cat ... Yet Cannot Walk Down The Hallway Without Grabbing Both Walls With His Grubby Hands For Balance.

Those Magazine Dieting Stories Always Have The Testimonial Of A Woman Who Wore A Dress That Could Slipcover New Jersey In One Photo And Thirty Days Later Looked Like A Well-dressed Thermometer.

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Children Make Your Life Important.

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

When Humor Go's, There Go's Civilization.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?

Adults Can Take A Simple Holiday For Children And Screw It Up. What Began As A Presentation Of Simple Gifts To Delight And Surprise Children Around The Christmas Tree Has Culminated In A Woman Unwrapping Six Shrimp Forks From Her Dog, Who Drew Her Name.

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: An Ugly Carpet Will Last For Ever.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Having A Delivery Covered By Medicare Just Isn't Going To Fly. It's Too Risky For A Woman To Put A Baby Down And Not Remember Where She Left It.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

Before We Sent Kids To Computer Camps And Told Them They Were Having A Good Time, There Was Imagination Among The Human Species.

Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

Success Is Outliving Your Failures

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.

Funny Christmas

Like Religion, Politics, And Family Planning, Cereal Is Not A Topic To Be Brought Up In Public. It's Too Controversial.

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat. A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday. A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend -- And He's A Priest.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

My Mother Phones Daily To Ask, "did You Just Try To Reach Me?" When I Reply No, She Adds, "so, If You're Not Too Busy, Call Me While I'm Still Alive," . . . And Hangs Up.

Do I Have To Use My Own Money?

The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

My Sister And I Never Engaged In Sibling Rivalry. Our Parents Weren't That Crazy About Either One Of Us.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

People Are Always Asking Couples Whose Marriage Has Endured At Least A Quarter Of A Century For Their Secret For Success. Actually, It Is No Secret At All. I Am A Forgiving Woman. Long Ago, I Forgave My Husband For Not Being Paul Newman.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

I Have Seen My Kid Struggle Into The Kitchen In The Morning With Outfits That Need Only One Accessory: An Empty Gin Bottle.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

Motherhood Isn't Just A Series Of Contractions; It's A State Of Mind. From The Moment We Know Life Is Inside Us, We Feel A Responsibility To Protect And Defend That Human Being.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

I've Always Been Intrigued With The Variety Of Answers This Generation Will Give Their Children Who Ask, "where Did I Come From, Mommy?" They Will Range From "number 176 Vial In Buffalo, New York," To "you Were Defrosted."

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

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Antonio Banderas

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