Background Image

...

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

-Erma Bombeck

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Myths That Need Clarification:

Erma Bombeck

...

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

Views: 81485

Topic

More From Erma Bombeck

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.

I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

Housework, If It Is Done Properly, Can Cause Brain Damage.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

In The South Pacific, Because Of Their Size, Mosquitoes Are Required To File Flight Plans.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

Women Are Never What They Seem To Be. There Is The Woman You See And There Is The Woman Who Is Hidden. Buy The Gift For The Woman Who Is Hidden.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Make Cookies.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

Occasionally, Once A Speaker Is On His Feet, It Is Difficult To Get Him To Sit Down. ... If And When He Returns To Earth, He Notices Half Of The Room Is Paging The Other Half And A Few Are Playing With The Melted Candles.

Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

I Have Never Understood, For Example, How Come A Child Can Climb Up On The Roof, Scale The Tv Antenna, And Rescue The Cat ... Yet Cannot Walk Down The Hallway Without Grabbing Both Walls With His Grubby Hands For Balance.

Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.

Having A Delivery Covered By Medicare Just Isn't Going To Fly. It's Too Risky For A Woman To Put A Baby Down And Not Remember Where She Left It.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

Those Magazine Dieting Stories Always Have The Testimonial Of A Woman Who Wore A Dress That Could Slipcover New Jersey In One Photo And Thirty Days Later Looked Like A Well-dressed Thermometer.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

Let Us Hope Manufacturers Can Come Up With A Diaper That Is Environmentally Sound. To Go Back To Cloth Would Send Us Back To The Day When Breathing And Raising A Baby At The Same Time Were Incompatible.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

I Learned The Importance Of A Man's Chair Early In Life. I Learned That He May Love Several Wives, Embrace Several Cars, Be True To More Than One Political Philosophy, And Be Equally Committed To Several Careers, But He Will Have Only One Comfortable Chair In His Life. I Learned It Will Be An Ugly Chair. It Will Match Nothing In The Entire House. It Will Never Wear Out.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

You Always Hear About Fashion's Success Stories. How A Starlet Lost An Earring One Night And By The Next Morning, The Entire Country Was Wearing One Earring. Or How Sweaters Made A Comeback In A Drugstore, Or A First Lady Influenced How We Dressed During Her Reign. But What About The Losers? The Fashions That Came And Went Out The Same Day? The Hopes And Dreams Of Designers That Were Shattered By The Sound Of Fifty Million Women ... Laughing Themselves To Death.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

To My Way Of Thinking, The American Family Started To Decline When Parents Began To Communicate With Their Children.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

Children Make Your Life Important.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

I Firmly Believe Kids Don't Want Your Understanding. They Want Your Trust, Your Compassion, Your Blinding Love And Your Car Keys, But You Try To Understand Them And You're In Big Trouble.

There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.

Never Underestimate What It Takes To Watch Someone You Love In Pain.

Someone You Love

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Like Religion, Politics, And Family Planning, Cereal Is Not A Topic To Be Brought Up In Public. It's Too Controversial.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Happy Mothers Day

We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

The Art Of Never Making A Mistake Is Crucial To Motherhood. To Be Effective And To Gain The Respect She Needs To Function, A Mother Must Have Her Children Believe She Has Never Engaged In Sex, Never Made A Bad Decision, Never Caused Her Own Mother A Moment's Anxiety, And Was Never A Child.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

Shopping Is A Woman Thing. It's A Contact Sport Like Football. Women Enjoy The Scrimmage, The Noisy Crowds, The Danger Of Being Trampled To Death, And The Ecstasy Of The Purchase.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

With Boys You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane. It's All There. The Fruit Flies Hovering Over Their Waste Can, The Hamster Trying To Escape To Cleaner Air, The Bedrooms Decorated In Early Bus Station Restroom.

Parenting Is A Negative Thing. Keep Your Children From Killing Themselves, Or Anyone Else, And Hope For The Best.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

If The Nest Is Truly Empty, Who Owns All This Junk?

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.

Lost Everything

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

Maybe You Know Why A Child Can Reject A Hot Dog With Mustard Served On A Soft Bun At Home, Yet Eat Six Of Them Two Hours Later At Fifty Cents Each.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

When Your Mother Asks, 'do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.

Funny Valentines Day

My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

I Have Seen My Kid Struggle Into The Kitchen In The Morning With Outfits That Need Only One Accessory: An Empty Gin Bottle.

My Mother Phones Daily To Ask, "did You Just Try To Reach Me?" When I Reply No, She Adds, "so, If You're Not Too Busy, Call Me While I'm Still Alive," . . . And Hangs Up.

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.

Family Life Got Better And We Got Our Car Back - As Soon As We Put 'i Love Mom' On The License Plate.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

Before We Sent Kids To Computer Camps And Told Them They Were Having A Good Time, There Was Imagination Among The Human Species.

Explain To Me How He [her Son] Can Ride A Bicycle, Run, Play Ball, Set Up A Camp, Swing, Fight A War, Swim And Race For Eight Hours ... And Has To Be Driven To The Garbage Can.

I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

Housework Is A Treadmill From Futility To Oblivion With Stop-offs At Tedium And Counter Productivity.

Futility Of Life

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

One Son Appears In Stereo - A Transistor In One Ear And The Phone In The Other.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.

My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A Current Magazine. One Is A Diet Guaranteed To Drop 5 Pounds Off My Body In A Weekend. The Other Is A Recipe For A 6 Minute Pecan Pie.

When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

I Got So Much Food Spit Back In My Face When My Kids Were Small, I Put Windshield Wipers On My Glasses.

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

I've Never Vied For Power In The Family Before. Pointing A Box At The Garage Door And Saying "open!" Was Never A Big Deal, But Holding That Television Tuner And Realizing I Alone Control What Is Flashed On The Screen Brings Out The Iacocca In Me.

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

Success Is Outliving Your Failures

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

Next To Hot Chicken Soup, A Tattoo Of An Anchor On Your Chest, And Penicillin, I Consider A Honeymoon One Of The Most Overrated Events In The World.

The Age Of Your Children Is A Key Factor In How Quickly You Are Served In A Restaurant. We Once Had A Waiter In Canada Who Said, "could I Get You Your Check?" And We Answered, "how About The Menu First?"

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

Mothers Are Not The Nameless, Faceless Stereotypes Who Appear Once A Year On A Greeting Card With Their Virtues Set To Prose, But Women Who Have Been Dealt A Hand For Life And Play Each Card One At A Time The Best Way They Know How. No Mother Is All Good Or All Bad, All Laughing Or All Serious, All Loving Or All Angry. Ambivalence Rushes Through Their Veins.

It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

Never Loan Your Car To Anyone To Whom You've Given Birth.

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

He Who Laughs.....lasts.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

Cats Invented Self-esteem; There Is Not An Insecure Bone In Their Body.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

I Don't Know Why No One Ever Thought To Paste A Label On The Toilet-tissue Spindle Giving 1-2-3 Directions For Replacing The Tissue On It. Then Everyone In The House Would Know What Mama Knows.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

House Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute...look At It And Really See It... Live It...and Never Give It Back. Stop Sweating The Small Stuff. Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What. Instead, Let's Cherish The Relationships We Have With Those Who Do Love Us.

A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.

Volunteers Are The Only Human Beings On The Face Of The Earth Who Reflect This Nation's Compassion, Unselfish Caring, Patience, And Just Plain Love For One Another.

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

Trending Author

Bill Sienkiewicz

Category