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Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

-Erma Bombeck

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Authorities Say Brain Cells

Erma Bombeck

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Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

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Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.

Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

With Boys, You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane.

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

Mother's Words Of Wisdom: Answer Me! Don't Talk With Food In Your Mouth!

Words Of Wisdom

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

Parenting Is A Negative Thing. Keep Your Children From Killing Themselves, Or Anyone Else, And Hope For The Best.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

House Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.

I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.

Lost Everything

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Happy Mothers Day

We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.

I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.

To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

Motherhood Isn't Just A Series Of Contractions; It's A State Of Mind. From The Moment We Know Life Is Inside Us, We Feel A Responsibility To Protect And Defend That Human Being.

With Boys You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane. It's All There. The Fruit Flies Hovering Over Their Waste Can, The Hamster Trying To Escape To Cleaner Air, The Bedrooms Decorated In Early Bus Station Restroom.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

I Became Hysterical And Frightened And Begged For Sedation. And That Was Just The First Prenatal Visit.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

One Son Appears In Stereo - A Transistor In One Ear And The Phone In The Other.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.

Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

If God Had Meant Us To Walk Around Naked, He Would Never Have Invented The Wicker Chair.

Occasionally, Once A Speaker Is On His Feet, It Is Difficult To Get Him To Sit Down. ... If And When He Returns To Earth, He Notices Half Of The Room Is Paging The Other Half And A Few Are Playing With The Melted Candles.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

Family Life Got Better And We Got Our Car Back - As Soon As We Put 'i Love Mom' On The License Plate.

There Would Have Been More 'i Love You's' And More, 'i'm Sorry's'.

Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.

The Family. We Are A Strange Little Band Of Characters Trudging Through Life Sharing Diseases And Toothpaste, Coveting One Another's Desserts, Hiding Shampoo, Borrowing Money, Locking Each Other Out Of Our Rooms. . . And Trying To Figure Out The Common Thread That Bound Us All Together.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A Current Magazine. One Is A Diet Guaranteed To Drop 5 Pounds Off My Body In A Weekend. The Other Is A Recipe For A 6 Minute Pecan Pie.

After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.

Funny Christmas

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

The Age Of Your Children Is A Key Factor In How Quickly You Are Served In A Restaurant. We Once Had A Waiter In Canada Who Said, "could I Get You Your Check?" And We Answered, "how About The Menu First?"

When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

Never Underestimate What It Takes To Watch Someone You Love In Pain.

Someone You Love

I Was Trampled To Death By A Man Who Believed His Luggage Would Be The First Piece Off. If He Were An Experienced Traveler, He Would Know That The First Piece Of Luggage Belongs To No One. It's Just A Dummy Suitcase To Give Everyone Hope.

Explain To Me How He [her Son] Can Ride A Bicycle, Run, Play Ball, Set Up A Camp, Swing, Fight A War, Swim And Race For Eight Hours ... And Has To Be Driven To The Garbage Can.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

Housework, If It Is Done Properly, Can Cause Brain Damage.

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

I Got To Thinking One Day About All Those Women On The Titanic Who Passed Up Dessert At Dinner That Fateful Night.

In The South Pacific, Because Of Their Size, Mosquitoes Are Required To File Flight Plans.

Next To Hot Chicken Soup, A Tattoo Of An Anchor On Your Chest, And Penicillin, I Consider A Honeymoon One Of The Most Overrated Events In The World.

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Funny Inspirational

There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

I Firmly Believe Kids Don't Want Your Understanding. They Want Your Trust, Your Compassion, Your Blinding Love And Your Car Keys, But You Try To Understand Them And You're In Big Trouble.

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

Let Us Hope Manufacturers Can Come Up With A Diaper That Is Environmentally Sound. To Go Back To Cloth Would Send Us Back To The Day When Breathing And Raising A Baby At The Same Time Were Incompatible.

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

I've Always Been Intrigued With The Variety Of Answers This Generation Will Give Their Children Who Ask, "where Did I Come From, Mommy?" They Will Range From "number 176 Vial In Buffalo, New York," To "you Were Defrosted."

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

Everyone I Talked To Was A Recording-the Bank, The Elevator, Your Office, The School, A Wrong Number. You Used To Be Able To Call A Wrong Number And Get A Person.

There Is So Much To Teach, And The Time Goes So Fast.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Never Be In A Hurry To Terminate A Marriage. Remember, You May Need This Man/woman To Finish A Sentence.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

When You're An Orthodox Worrier, Some Days Are Worse Than Others.

One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

Mothers Are Not The Nameless, Faceless Stereotypes Who Appear Once A Year On A Greeting Card With Their Virtues Set To Prose, But Women Who Have Been Dealt A Hand For Life And Play Each Card One At A Time The Best Way They Know How. No Mother Is All Good Or All Bad, All Laughing Or All Serious, All Loving Or All Angry. Ambivalence Rushes Through Their Veins.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

Motherhood Is The Second Oldest Profession In The World. It Never Questions Age, Height, Religious Preference, Health, Political Affiliation, Citizenship, Morality, Ethnic Background, Marital Status, Economic Level, Convenience, Or Previous Experience.

Adults Can Take A Simple Holiday For Children And Screw It Up. What Began As A Presentation Of Simple Gifts To Delight And Surprise Children Around The Christmas Tree Has Culminated In A Woman Unwrapping Six Shrimp Forks From Her Dog, Who Drew Her Name.

I Got So Much Food Spit Back In My Face When My Kids Were Small, I Put Windshield Wipers On My Glasses.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

You Have To Love A Nation That Celebrates Its Independence Every July 4, Not With A Parade Of Guns, Tanks, And Soldiers Who File By The White House In A Show Of Strength And Muscle, But With Family Picnics Where Kids Throw Frisbees, The Potato Salad Gets Iffy, And The Flies Die From Happiness. You May Think You Have Overeaten, But It Is Patriotism.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.

You Show Me A Boy Who Brings A Snake Home To His Mother And I'll Show You An Orphan.

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

The More I Think About It, The More There Is To Be Said For The Sloth. He Sleeps Fifteen To Eighteen Hours A Day And Is Known To Have Taken Forty-eight Days To Travel Four Miles. He Hangs In The Trees After He's Dead. But He Lives Longer Than The Cheetah.

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

I Will Never Understand Children. I Never Pretended To. I Meet Mothers All The Time Who Make Resolutions To Themselves. 'i'm Going To ... Go Out Of My Way To Show Them I Am Interested In Them And What They Do. I Am Going To Understand My Children.' These Women End Up Making Rag Rugs, Using Blunt Scissors.

Children Make Your Life Important.

Shopping Is A Woman Thing. It's A Contact Sport Like Football. Women Enjoy The Scrimmage, The Noisy Crowds, The Danger Of Being Trampled To Death, And The Ecstasy Of The Purchase.

Before We Sent Kids To Computer Camps And Told Them They Were Having A Good Time, There Was Imagination Among The Human Species.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

Kids Need Love The Most When They're Acting Most Unlovable.

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