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I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

-Erma Bombeck

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I'm Real Ambivalent About

Erma Bombeck

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I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

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Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

When Your Mother Asks, 'do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

You Show Me A Boy Who Brings A Snake Home To His Mother And I'll Show You An Orphan.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

With Boys You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane. It's All There. The Fruit Flies Hovering Over Their Waste Can, The Hamster Trying To Escape To Cleaner Air, The Bedrooms Decorated In Early Bus Station Restroom.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

The Family. We Are A Strange Little Band Of Characters Trudging Through Life Sharing Diseases And Toothpaste, Coveting One Another's Desserts, Hiding Shampoo, Borrowing Money, Locking Each Other Out Of Our Rooms. . . And Trying To Figure Out The Common Thread That Bound Us All Together.

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

It's Frightening To Wake Up One Morning And Discover That While You Were Asleep You Went Out Of Style.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.

Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

Family Life Got Better And We Got Our Car Back - As Soon As We Put 'i Love Mom' On The License Plate.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

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Never Be In A Hurry To Terminate A Marriage. Remember, You May Need This Man/woman To Finish A Sentence.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

She's As Funny As A Toothache

Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.

I Firmly Believe Kids Don't Want Your Understanding. They Want Your Trust, Your Compassion, Your Blinding Love And Your Car Keys, But You Try To Understand Them And You're In Big Trouble.

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

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Success Is Outliving Your Failures

My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

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I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

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I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.

Before And After

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

Children Make Your Life Important.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

You Have To Love A Nation That Celebrates Its Independence Every July 4, Not With A Parade Of Guns, Tanks, And Soldiers Who File By The White House In A Show Of Strength And Muscle, But With Family Picnics Where Kids Throw Frisbees, The Potato Salad Gets Iffy, And The Flies Die From Happiness. You May Think You Have Overeaten, But It Is Patriotism.

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

Do I Have To Use My Own Money?

The Age Of Your Children Is A Key Factor In How Quickly You Are Served In A Restaurant. We Once Had A Waiter In Canada Who Said, "could I Get You Your Check?" And We Answered, "how About The Menu First?"

When You're An Orthodox Worrier, Some Days Are Worse Than Others.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

My Sister And I Never Engaged In Sibling Rivalry. Our Parents Weren't That Crazy About Either One Of Us.

Let Us Hope Manufacturers Can Come Up With A Diaper That Is Environmentally Sound. To Go Back To Cloth Would Send Us Back To The Day When Breathing And Raising A Baby At The Same Time Were Incompatible.

Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

Never Underestimate What It Takes To Watch Someone You Love In Pain.

Someone You Love

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

Adults Can Take A Simple Holiday For Children And Screw It Up. What Began As A Presentation Of Simple Gifts To Delight And Surprise Children Around The Christmas Tree Has Culminated In A Woman Unwrapping Six Shrimp Forks From Her Dog, Who Drew Her Name.

Volunteers Are The Only Human Beings On The Face Of The Earth Who Reflect This Nation's Compassion, Unselfish Caring, Patience, And Just Plain Love For One Another.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.

I Became Hysterical And Frightened And Begged For Sedation. And That Was Just The First Prenatal Visit.

Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

Cats Invented Self-esteem; There Is Not An Insecure Bone In Their Body.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

Grandma Told Me Mama Was Once Caught By The Principal For Writing In The Front Of Her Book, "in Case Of Fire, Throw This In First." I Have Never Had So Much Respect For Mama As The Day I Heard This.

Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute...look At It And Really See It... Live It...and Never Give It Back. Stop Sweating The Small Stuff. Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What. Instead, Let's Cherish The Relationships We Have With Those Who Do Love Us.

Occasionally, Once A Speaker Is On His Feet, It Is Difficult To Get Him To Sit Down. ... If And When He Returns To Earth, He Notices Half Of The Room Is Paging The Other Half And A Few Are Playing With The Melted Candles.

Phrases And Their Actual Meanings: My Teacher Has Never Liked Me. Expect A Phone Call Before Lunch From The Teacher Informing You That Your Child Has Been Launching Hot Dogs By Compressing Them Inside A Small Thermos And Then Removing The Lid Quickly.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Happy Mothers Day

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.

A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.

We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

I've Always Been Intrigued With The Variety Of Answers This Generation Will Give Their Children Who Ask, "where Did I Come From, Mommy?" They Will Range From "number 176 Vial In Buffalo, New York," To "you Were Defrosted."

Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

I Don't Know Why No One Ever Thought To Paste A Label On The Toilet-tissue Spindle Giving 1-2-3 Directions For Replacing The Tissue On It. Then Everyone In The House Would Know What Mama Knows.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: An Ugly Carpet Will Last For Ever.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A Current Magazine. One Is A Diet Guaranteed To Drop 5 Pounds Off My Body In A Weekend. The Other Is A Recipe For A 6 Minute Pecan Pie.

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

The More I Think About It, The More There Is To Be Said For The Sloth. He Sleeps Fifteen To Eighteen Hours A Day And Is Known To Have Taken Forty-eight Days To Travel Four Miles. He Hangs In The Trees After He's Dead. But He Lives Longer Than The Cheetah.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Funny Relationship

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

I Have Finally Mastered What To Do With The Second Tennis Ball. Having Small Hands, I Was Becoming Terribly Self-conscious About Keeping It In A Can In The Car While I Served The First One. I Noted Some Women Tucked The Second Ball Just Inside The Elastic Leg Of Their Tennis Panties. I Tried, But Found The Space Already Occupied By A Leg. Now, I Simply Drop The Second Ball Down My Cleavage, Giving Me A Chest That Often Stuns My Opponent Throughout An Entire Set.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.

Lost Everything

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

Maybe You Know Why A Child Can Reject A Hot Dog With Mustard Served On A Soft Bun At Home, Yet Eat Six Of Them Two Hours Later At Fifty Cents Each.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

Spend At Least One Mother's Day With Your Respective Mothers Before You Decide On Marriage. If A Man Gives His Mother A Gift Certificate For A Flu Shot, Dump Him.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

Never Loan Your Car To Anyone To Whom You've Given Birth.

Housework Is A Treadmill From Futility To Oblivion With Stop-offs At Tedium And Counter Productivity.

Futility Of Life

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

Mother's Words Of Wisdom: Answer Me! Don't Talk With Food In Your Mouth!

Words Of Wisdom

I Got So Much Food Spit Back In My Face When My Kids Were Small, I Put Windshield Wipers On My Glasses.

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.

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