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You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.
-Erma Bombeck
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You Become About As

Erma Bombeck
...
You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

Understanding the Quote: "you become about as exciting as your food blender. the kids come..."

This quote by Erma Bombeck reflects deeply on the theme of children. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Children, Home, Kids, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Erma Bombeck interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck is celebrated for insightful thoughts on children and home. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

Views: 73736
Topic
Children
Home
Kids
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In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.
Meaningful
Struggle
Dark
Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.
Years
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Eating
Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.
Family
Country
Demand
I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.
Sports
Waiting
Hills
It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.
Jobs
Want
I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.
Tables
Littles
Jars
People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.
Funny
Humorous
Doctors
The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.
Tanks
Grass Is Greener On The Other Side
Grass Is Always Greener
I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.
Mother
Order
Literature
My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!
Women
Talking
Columns
Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.
Children
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A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.
Growing Up
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I Was Trampled To Death By A Man Who Believed His Luggage Would Be The First Piece Off. If He Were An Experienced Traveler, He Would Know That The First Piece Of Luggage Belongs To No One. It's Just A Dummy Suitcase To Give Everyone Hope.
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No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.
Mother
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You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.
Children
Home
Kids
The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.
Age
Looks
Want
Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!
Night
Thinking
Dessert First
When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.
Inspirational
Life
Motivational
Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.
Lazy
Literature
Ifs
Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.
Mother
Differences
Fame
I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.
Yesterday
Boredom
Meat
Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.
Stupid
Doctors
Talking
I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.
Fighting
Way
Vegetarian
What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?
Thanksgiving
Food
Mean
Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.
Mom
Mother
White
Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.
Mom
Children
Home
Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.
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Years
I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.
Worry
Scientist
Fattening
A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.
Grandparent
Age
Aging
A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.
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Marriage
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The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.
Holiday
Cake
Fruit
For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.
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Baby
Children
A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.
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Children Make Your Life Important.
Children
Important
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Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.
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Humorous
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Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.
Sunset
Kids
Granted
What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?
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Hair
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For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.
Literature
Lasts
Easy
Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.
Dog
Boys
Should Have
It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.
Inspirational
Life
Communication
Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.
Mom
Mother
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The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?
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Shoes
Good Times
I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.
Blow
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Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.
Inspirational
Witty
Happy Mothers Day
I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.
Inspirational
Funny
Life
There Are Few Things In This World More Satisfying Than Having Your Son Teach You How To Play Tennis, Unless It Is Having A Semi-truck Run Over Your Foot.
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Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.
Animal
Eggs
Poached Eggs
A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.
Baby
Grandparent
Midnight
My Mother Phones Daily To Ask, "did You Just Try To Reach Me?" When I Reply No, She Adds, "so, If You're Not Too Busy, Call Me While I'm Still Alive," . . . And Hangs Up.
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I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.
War
Men
Giving
Most Mothers Entering The Labor Market Outside The Home Are Naive. They Stagger Home Each Evening, Holding Mail In Their Teeth, The Cleaning Over Their Arm, A Lamb Chop Defrosting Under Each Armpit, Balancing Two Gallons Of Frozen Milk Between Their Knees, And Expect One Of The Kids To Get The Door.
Mother
Home
Kids
We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.
Taken
Memorable
Fighting
I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.
Mother
Baby
Husband
Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.
Funny
Suicide
Humor
Motherhood Is The Second Oldest Profession In The World. It Never Questions Age, Height, Religious Preference, Health, Political Affiliation, Citizenship, Morality, Ethnic Background, Marital Status, Economic Level, Convenience, Or Previous Experience.
Religious
Motherhood
Political
A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least
Children
Needs
Deserve
I've Never Vied For Power In The Family Before. Pointing A Box At The Garage Door And Saying "open!" Was Never A Big Deal, But Holding That Television Tuner And Realizing I Alone Control What Is Flashed On The Screen Brings Out The Iacocca In Me.
Doors
Television
Realizing
Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.
Mother
Children
Home
My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.
Ideas
Rooms
Cleaning
The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.
Liars
Kids
Psychopathic
I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.
Beautiful
Years
People
Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.
Thanksgiving
Sports
Football
Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.
Real
Funny Valentines Day
Love You
When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.
Teenager
Rooms
Adolescence
Bombeck's Rug Rule: An Ugly Carpet Will Last For Ever.
Ugly
Lasts
Carpet
Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.
Funny
Drinking
Humor
Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'
Children
Daddy
Use
We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)
Funny
Humorous
White
If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.
Rose
Storage
Burned
I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.
Sports
Hills
Skiing
If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.
Years
Cooking
Compliment
In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.
Loss
Two
Pounds
Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.
Dog
Impact
Teeth
Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.
Cells
Brain
May
Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.
Children
People
Parent
Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.
Married
Bedroom
Adolescence
The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?
Wall
Food
Track
Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.
Tombstone
Sick
Written
When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.
Happiness
Laughter
Humor
Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.
Pregnancy
Miracle
Helping
When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Make Cookies.
Naps
Tough Times
Chocolate
Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.
Inspirational
Dream
Lonely
To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.
Writing
Typewriters
Long
Next To Hot Chicken Soup, A Tattoo Of An Anchor On Your Chest, And Penicillin, I Consider A Honeymoon One Of The Most Overrated Events In The World.
Tattoo
Anchors
Events
Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.
Spring
Real
Coffee
A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.
Funny
Friendship
Laughter
Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.
Funny
Mother
Dog
I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.
Running
Strong
Two
Phrases And Their Actual Meanings: My Teacher Has Never Liked Me. Expect A Phone Call Before Lunch From The Teacher Informing You That Your Child Has Been Launching Hot Dogs By Compressing Them Inside A Small Thermos And Then Removing The Lid Quickly.
Dog
Teacher
Children
To My Way Of Thinking, The American Family Started To Decline When Parents Began To Communicate With Their Children.
Family
Children
Thinking
A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.
Rooms
Body
Fitting
Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.
Memories
Eye
Thinking
Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.
Years
Two Year Olds
Shopping
It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.
Funny
Moving
Furniture
There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.
Happiness
Hurt
Laughter
... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.
Children
Kids
Fighting
I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.
Inspiration
Car
Buzzards
My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.
Daughter
Mother
Disappointment
Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.
Worry
Like You
When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.
Running
Dog
Children
I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.
Dog
Hate
Book
I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.
Turkeys
Magazines
Before And After
Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.
Badass
Body Weight
Order
Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.
Home
Forever
Spices
I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?
Family
Children
Sunday
Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.
Love
Marriage
Funny Relationship
It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.
Sports
Football
Names
The More I Think About It, The More There Is To Be Said For The Sloth. He Sleeps Fifteen To Eighteen Hours A Day And Is Known To Have Taken Forty-eight Days To Travel Four Miles. He Hangs In The Trees After He's Dead. But He Lives Longer Than The Cheetah.
Funny
Taken
Sleep
The Family. We Are A Strange Little Band Of Characters Trudging Through Life Sharing Diseases And Toothpaste, Coveting One Another's Desserts, Hiding Shampoo, Borrowing Money, Locking Each Other Out Of Our Rooms. . . And Trying To Figure Out The Common Thread That Bound Us All Together.
Family
Sibling
Character
Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.
Book
Getting High
Clubs
A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.
Children
Long
Individuality
A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.
Funny
Humorous
Names
Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.
Car
Onions
Onion Rings
It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.
Dream
Lines
Uncommon
It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.
Kids
Blessing
Two
There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.
Christmas
Spiritual
Morning
Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.
Children
Ideas
Two
A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.
Relationship
Fun
Halloween
You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.
Family
Death
Dying
Those Magazine Dieting Stories Always Have The Testimonial Of A Woman Who Wore A Dress That Could Slipcover New Jersey In One Photo And Thirty Days Later Looked Like A Well-dressed Thermometer.
Sex
Food
Jersey
Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.
Home
Roots
Yesterday
In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.
Funny
Family
Children
Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.
Summer
Mother
Hurt
Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.
Wonderful
Surprise
Spontaneity
I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.
Philosophy
Three
May
Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?
Inspirational
Funny
Travel
Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.
Mother
Children
Giving
I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.
Trust
Sex
Giving Up
Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.
Work
Drinking
Done
A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.
Ironing Board
Kitchen
Boards
How Come Anything You Buy Will Go On Sale Next Week?
Next Week
Goes On
Literature
Mother's Words Of Wisdom: Answer Me! Don't Talk With Food In Your Mouth!
Mother
Food
Words Of Wisdom
No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.
Motivation
Women
Sleep
Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?
Mother
Brother
Bed
For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.
Inspirational
Funny
Marriage
After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.
Age
Twelve
Should
A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.
Funny
Cute
Friends
Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.
Funny
Humor
Doors
Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.
Kids
Literature
Entertaining
Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.
Football
Men
Games
Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.
Children
Independence
Losing
If The Nest Is Truly Empty, Who Owns All This Junk?
Junk
Nests
Empty
Spend At Least One Mother's Day With Your Respective Mothers Before You Decide On Marriage. If A Man Gives His Mother A Gift Certificate For A Flu Shot, Dump Him.
Mother
Memorable
Men
Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.
Spiritual
Trying
Keep Trying
There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.
Children
Blow
Light
I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.
Mother
House
Bottles
Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.
Girl
Humorous
Phones
Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.
Children
Grandma
Responsibility
I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.
Clothes
Lucky
Realizing
When Humor Go's, There Go's Civilization.
Civilization
Sense Of Humor
People Are Always Asking Couples Whose Marriage Has Endured At Least A Quarter Of A Century For Their Secret For Success. Actually, It Is No Secret At All. I Am A Forgiving Woman. Long Ago, I Forgave My Husband For Not Being Paul Newman.
Funny
Couple
Husband
Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.
Kiwi
Fruit
Brown
My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.
Jobs
Two
Mind
I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.
Laughter
Thinking
Voice
If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.
Inspirational
Life
Strong Women
There Is So Much To Teach, And The Time Goes So Fast.
Teach
Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.
Girl
Dog
Kids
There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.
Sorry
Forgiving
World
With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.
Funny
Sex
Humorous
I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.
Dinner
Sofas
Carpet
There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.
Mother
Fun
Water
Housework Is A Treadmill From Futility To Oblivion With Stop-offs At Tedium And Counter Productivity.
Memorable
Futility Of Life
Terrorism
It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.
Dream
Courage
Kindness
The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.
Mother
Term
Redundant
I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.
Men
Thinking
Doctors
I Have Never Understood, For Example, How Come A Child Can Climb Up On The Roof, Scale The Tv Antenna, And Rescue The Cat ... Yet Cannot Walk Down The Hallway Without Grabbing Both Walls With His Grubby Hands For Balance.
Children
Wall
Cat
If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.
Soccer
Sports
Football
If God Had Meant Us To Walk Around Naked, He Would Never Have Invented The Wicker Chair.
Naked
Nudity
Chairs
All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.
Funny Inspirational
Children
Parenting
It Is Upsetting To Many Parents That Their Teen-agers Introduce Them To Their Friends As Encyclopedia Salesmen Who Are Just Passing Through ... If They Introduce Them At All. I Have Some Acquaintances Who Hover In Dark Parking Lots, Enter Church Separately And Crouch In Furnace Rooms So Their Teen-agers Will Not Be Accused Of Having Parents.
Dark
Parent
Upset
Cats Invented Self-esteem; There Is Not An Insecure Bone In Their Body.
Self Esteem
Cat
Insecure
He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.
Daughter
Father
Cutting
Kids Need Love The Most When They're Acting Most Unlovable.
Forgiveness
Kids
Acting
When Children Reach The Age Of Sixteen, They Discover The Meaning Of Life: Car Keys.
Children
Keys
Car
Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.
Funny
Mother
Humorous
Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.
Travel
Play
Indonesia
When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.
Dog
Morning
Humor
Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.
Kids
Parenting
Swag
When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.
Money
Children
Parent
It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.
Jobs
Motherhood
Training
Volunteers Are The Only Human Beings On The Face Of The Earth Who Reflect This Nation's Compassion, Unselfish Caring, Patience, And Just Plain Love For One Another.
4th Of July
Caring
Compassion
Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.
Funny
Sports
Sex
When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.
Funny
Family
Mom
The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.
Hilarious
Funny Life
Food
If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.
Funny
Baby
Children
I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'
Time
Children
Views
It Is Ludicrous To Read The Microwave Direction On The Boxes Of Food You Buy, As Each One Will Have A Disclaimer: This Will Vary With Your Microwave. Loosely Translated, This Means, You're On Your Own, Bernice.
Food
Mean
Boxes
Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.
Sunset
Kids
Thinking
I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food
Funny
Humorous
Food
Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.
Funny
Baby
Laughter
If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?
Pits
Life Is
Cherries
I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.
Running
Children
Wind
My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.
Ideas
Blanket
Electric
The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.
Funny
God
Humorous
No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.
Baby
Laughter
House
We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'
Mother
Children
Daddy
No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.
Family
Mother
Children
I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.
Christmas
Lost Everything
Natal
If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.
Pregnancy
Miracle
Wish
Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.
Doors
Knives
Body
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