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Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

-Erma Bombeck

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Someday, When My Children

Erma Bombeck

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Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

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Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

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Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

He Who Laughs.....lasts.

After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

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Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

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My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.

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Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.

One Son Appears In Stereo - A Transistor In One Ear And The Phone In The Other.

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Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

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Mother's Words Of Wisdom: Answer Me! Don't Talk With Food In Your Mouth!

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Bombeck's Rug Rule: An Ugly Carpet Will Last For Ever.

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

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A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

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I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

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Funny Inspirational

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

Housework Is A Treadmill From Futility To Oblivion With Stop-offs At Tedium And Counter Productivity.

Futility Of Life

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

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Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

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It Is Ludicrous To Read The Microwave Direction On The Boxes Of Food You Buy, As Each One Will Have A Disclaimer: This Will Vary With Your Microwave. Loosely Translated, This Means, You're On Your Own, Bernice.

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

Motherhood Isn't Just A Series Of Contractions; It's A State Of Mind. From The Moment We Know Life Is Inside Us, We Feel A Responsibility To Protect And Defend That Human Being.

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I Firmly Believe Kids Don't Want Your Understanding. They Want Your Trust, Your Compassion, Your Blinding Love And Your Car Keys, But You Try To Understand Them And You're In Big Trouble.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

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I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

Housework, If It Is Done Properly, Can Cause Brain Damage.

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The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

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Best Years Of Your Life

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I Love My Mother For All The Times She Said Absolutely Nothing.... Thinking Back On It All, It Must Have Been The Most Difficult Part Of Mothering She Ever Had To Do: Knowing The Outcome, Yet Feeling She Had No Right To Keep Me From Charting My Own Path. I Thank Her For All Her Virtues, But Mostly For Never Once Having Said, "i Told You So.

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Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.

In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Children Make Your Life Important.

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

I Never Go To A College Reunion That I Don't Come Away Feeling Sorry For All Those Paunchy, Balding Jocks Trying To Hang Onto Youth. I Feel Sorry For The Men, Too.

Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

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Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

People Are Always Asking Couples Whose Marriage Has Endured At Least A Quarter Of A Century For Their Secret For Success. Actually, It Is No Secret At All. I Am A Forgiving Woman. Long Ago, I Forgave My Husband For Not Being Paul Newman.

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Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

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When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?

There Would Have Been More 'i Love You's' And More, 'i'm Sorry's'.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

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I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

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