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My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

-Erma Bombeck

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My Son Would Walk

Erma Bombeck

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My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

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We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

Motherhood Isn't Just A Series Of Contractions; It's A State Of Mind. From The Moment We Know Life Is Inside Us, We Feel A Responsibility To Protect And Defend That Human Being.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

Phrases And Their Actual Meanings: My Teacher Has Never Liked Me. Expect A Phone Call Before Lunch From The Teacher Informing You That Your Child Has Been Launching Hot Dogs By Compressing Them Inside A Small Thermos And Then Removing The Lid Quickly.

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

Parenting Is A Negative Thing. Keep Your Children From Killing Themselves, Or Anyone Else, And Hope For The Best.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Everyone I Talked To Was A Recording-the Bank, The Elevator, Your Office, The School, A Wrong Number. You Used To Be Able To Call A Wrong Number And Get A Person.

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Funny Inspirational

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

Volunteers Are The Only Human Beings On The Face Of The Earth Who Reflect This Nation's Compassion, Unselfish Caring, Patience, And Just Plain Love For One Another.

You Show Me A Boy Who Brings A Snake Home To His Mother And I'll Show You An Orphan.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

Explain To Me How He [her Son] Can Ride A Bicycle, Run, Play Ball, Set Up A Camp, Swing, Fight A War, Swim And Race For Eight Hours ... And Has To Be Driven To The Garbage Can.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

There Are Few Things In This World More Satisfying Than Having Your Son Teach You How To Play Tennis, Unless It Is Having A Semi-truck Run Over Your Foot.

I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

I Learned The Importance Of A Man's Chair Early In Life. I Learned That He May Love Several Wives, Embrace Several Cars, Be True To More Than One Political Philosophy, And Be Equally Committed To Several Careers, But He Will Have Only One Comfortable Chair In His Life. I Learned It Will Be An Ugly Chair. It Will Match Nothing In The Entire House. It Will Never Wear Out.

With Boys You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane. It's All There. The Fruit Flies Hovering Over Their Waste Can, The Hamster Trying To Escape To Cleaner Air, The Bedrooms Decorated In Early Bus Station Restroom.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

Women Are Never What They Seem To Be. There Is The Woman You See And There Is The Woman Who Is Hidden. Buy The Gift For The Woman Who Is Hidden.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

You Always Hear About Fashion's Success Stories. How A Starlet Lost An Earring One Night And By The Next Morning, The Entire Country Was Wearing One Earring. Or How Sweaters Made A Comeback In A Drugstore, Or A First Lady Influenced How We Dressed During Her Reign. But What About The Losers? The Fashions That Came And Went Out The Same Day? The Hopes And Dreams Of Designers That Were Shattered By The Sound Of Fifty Million Women ... Laughing Themselves To Death.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.

Lost Everything

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

Never Be In A Hurry To Terminate A Marriage. Remember, You May Need This Man/woman To Finish A Sentence.

In The South Pacific, Because Of Their Size, Mosquitoes Are Required To File Flight Plans.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

The Art Of Never Making A Mistake Is Crucial To Motherhood. To Be Effective And To Gain The Respect She Needs To Function, A Mother Must Have Her Children Believe She Has Never Engaged In Sex, Never Made A Bad Decision, Never Caused Her Own Mother A Moment's Anxiety, And Was Never A Child.

Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.

The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.

When Your Mother Asks, 'do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

I Was Trampled To Death By A Man Who Believed His Luggage Would Be The First Piece Off. If He Were An Experienced Traveler, He Would Know That The First Piece Of Luggage Belongs To No One. It's Just A Dummy Suitcase To Give Everyone Hope.

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.

A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

I Love My Mother For All The Times She Said Absolutely Nothing.... Thinking Back On It All, It Must Have Been The Most Difficult Part Of Mothering She Ever Had To Do: Knowing The Outcome, Yet Feeling She Had No Right To Keep Me From Charting My Own Path. I Thank Her For All Her Virtues, But Mostly For Never Once Having Said, "i Told You So.

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

When Humor Go's, There Go's Civilization.

I've Never Vied For Power In The Family Before. Pointing A Box At The Garage Door And Saying "open!" Was Never A Big Deal, But Holding That Television Tuner And Realizing I Alone Control What Is Flashed On The Screen Brings Out The Iacocca In Me.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Funny Relationship

Children Make Your Life Important.

Grandma Told Me Mama Was Once Caught By The Principal For Writing In The Front Of Her Book, "in Case Of Fire, Throw This In First." I Have Never Had So Much Respect For Mama As The Day I Heard This.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Adults Are Always Telling Young People, 'these Are The Best Years Of Your Life.' Are They? I Don't Know. Sometimes When Adults Say This To Children I Look Into Their Faces. They Look Like Someone On The Top Seat Of The Ferris Wheel Who Has Had Too Much Cotton Candy And Barbecue. They'd Like To Get Off And Be Sick But Everyone Keeps Telling Them What A Good Time They're Having.

Best Years Of Your Life

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat. A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday. A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend -- And He's A Priest.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

Do I Have To Use My Own Money?

I Have Seen My Kid Struggle Into The Kitchen In The Morning With Outfits That Need Only One Accessory: An Empty Gin Bottle.

Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

To My Way Of Thinking, The American Family Started To Decline When Parents Began To Communicate With Their Children.

I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A Current Magazine. One Is A Diet Guaranteed To Drop 5 Pounds Off My Body In A Weekend. The Other Is A Recipe For A 6 Minute Pecan Pie.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.

She's As Funny As A Toothache

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

I Never Go To A College Reunion That I Don't Come Away Feeling Sorry For All Those Paunchy, Balding Jocks Trying To Hang Onto Youth. I Feel Sorry For The Men, Too.

Never Loan Your Car To Anyone To Whom You've Given Birth.

There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

Those Magazine Dieting Stories Always Have The Testimonial Of A Woman Who Wore A Dress That Could Slipcover New Jersey In One Photo And Thirty Days Later Looked Like A Well-dressed Thermometer.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

Shopping Is A Woman Thing. It's A Contact Sport Like Football. Women Enjoy The Scrimmage, The Noisy Crowds, The Danger Of Being Trampled To Death, And The Ecstasy Of The Purchase.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

Occasionally, Once A Speaker Is On His Feet, It Is Difficult To Get Him To Sit Down. ... If And When He Returns To Earth, He Notices Half Of The Room Is Paging The Other Half And A Few Are Playing With The Melted Candles.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

My Son Did Not Show Signs Of A Money Deficiency Until He Opened His Small Fist In The Nursery And Found It Was Empty.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

It Is Upsetting To Many Parents That Their Teen-agers Introduce Them To Their Friends As Encyclopedia Salesmen Who Are Just Passing Through ... If They Introduce Them At All. I Have Some Acquaintances Who Hover In Dark Parking Lots, Enter Church Separately And Crouch In Furnace Rooms So Their Teen-agers Will Not Be Accused Of Having Parents.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.

Funny Christmas

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.

Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Motherhood Is The Second Oldest Profession In The World. It Never Questions Age, Height, Religious Preference, Health, Political Affiliation, Citizenship, Morality, Ethnic Background, Marital Status, Economic Level, Convenience, Or Previous Experience.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

Success Is Outliving Your Failures

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

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