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I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

-Erma Bombeck

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I Have Always Felt

Erma Bombeck

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I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

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It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.

Explain To Me How He [her Son] Can Ride A Bicycle, Run, Play Ball, Set Up A Camp, Swing, Fight A War, Swim And Race For Eight Hours ... And Has To Be Driven To The Garbage Can.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

There Is Only One Thing Harder In This World Than Forgiving. It's To Ask Forgiveness Armed Only With, 'i'm Sorry'.

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

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Kids Need Love The Most When They're Acting Most Unlovable.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

Adults Can Take A Simple Holiday For Children And Screw It Up. What Began As A Presentation Of Simple Gifts To Delight And Surprise Children Around The Christmas Tree Has Culminated In A Woman Unwrapping Six Shrimp Forks From Her Dog, Who Drew Her Name.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

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Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Funny Relationship

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

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If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

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My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

You Show Me A Boy Who Brings A Snake Home To His Mother And I'll Show You An Orphan.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

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My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

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To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.

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If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

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The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

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Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

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Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

My Son Did Not Show Signs Of A Money Deficiency Until He Opened His Small Fist In The Nursery And Found It Was Empty.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

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There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

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I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

When You're An Orthodox Worrier, Some Days Are Worse Than Others.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

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I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

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I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.

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I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

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Before And After

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

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A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

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I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

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Lost Everything

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