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Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

-Erma Bombeck

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Do You Know What

Erma Bombeck

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Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

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Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Everyone I Talked To Was A Recording-the Bank, The Elevator, Your Office, The School, A Wrong Number. You Used To Be Able To Call A Wrong Number And Get A Person.

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

My Mother Won't Admit It, But I've Always Been A Disappointment To Her. Deep Down Inside, She'll Never Forgive Herself For Giving Birth To A Daughter Who Refuses To Launder Aluminium Foil And Use It Over Again.

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

My Mother Phones Daily To Ask, "did You Just Try To Reach Me?" When I Reply No, She Adds, "so, If You're Not Too Busy, Call Me While I'm Still Alive," . . . And Hangs Up.

For The First Two Years Of A Child's Life, We Spend Every Waking Hour Tryibg To Get The Child To Communicate. Then We Spend The Rest Of Our Lives Trying To Figure Out How We Can Reverse The Process.

You Always Hear About Fashion's Success Stories. How A Starlet Lost An Earring One Night And By The Next Morning, The Entire Country Was Wearing One Earring. Or How Sweaters Made A Comeback In A Drugstore, Or A First Lady Influenced How We Dressed During Her Reign. But What About The Losers? The Fashions That Came And Went Out The Same Day? The Hopes And Dreams Of Designers That Were Shattered By The Sound Of Fifty Million Women ... Laughing Themselves To Death.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

There Would Have Been More 'i Love You's' And More, 'i'm Sorry's'.

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

I Got To Thinking One Day About All Those Women On The Titanic Who Passed Up Dessert At Dinner That Fateful Night.

Those Magazine Dieting Stories Always Have The Testimonial Of A Woman Who Wore A Dress That Could Slipcover New Jersey In One Photo And Thirty Days Later Looked Like A Well-dressed Thermometer.

House Guests Should Be Regarded As Perishables: Leave Them Out Too Long And They Go Bad.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

When Children Reach The Age Of Sixteen, They Discover The Meaning Of Life: Car Keys.

Having A Delivery Covered By Medicare Just Isn't Going To Fly. It's Too Risky For A Woman To Put A Baby Down And Not Remember Where She Left It.

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

The Family. We Are A Strange Little Band Of Characters Trudging Through Life Sharing Diseases And Toothpaste, Coveting One Another's Desserts, Hiding Shampoo, Borrowing Money, Locking Each Other Out Of Our Rooms. . . And Trying To Figure Out The Common Thread That Bound Us All Together.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

If God Had Meant Us To Walk Around Naked, He Would Never Have Invented The Wicker Chair.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

Motherhood Isn't Just A Series Of Contractions; It's A State Of Mind. From The Moment We Know Life Is Inside Us, We Feel A Responsibility To Protect And Defend That Human Being.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Make Cookies.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

Housework Is A Treadmill From Futility To Oblivion With Stop-offs At Tedium And Counter Productivity.

Futility Of Life

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Never Loan Your Car To Anyone To Whom You've Given Birth.

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

Bombeck's Rug Rule: An Ugly Carpet Will Last For Ever.

Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute...look At It And Really See It... Live It...and Never Give It Back. Stop Sweating The Small Stuff. Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What. Instead, Let's Cherish The Relationships We Have With Those Who Do Love Us.

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.

Mothers Are Not The Nameless, Faceless Stereotypes Who Appear Once A Year On A Greeting Card With Their Virtues Set To Prose, But Women Who Have Been Dealt A Hand For Life And Play Each Card One At A Time The Best Way They Know How. No Mother Is All Good Or All Bad, All Laughing Or All Serious, All Loving Or All Angry. Ambivalence Rushes Through Their Veins.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

My Son Did Not Show Signs Of A Money Deficiency Until He Opened His Small Fist In The Nursery And Found It Was Empty.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.

Funny Valentines Day

Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Funny Relationship

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

Adults Are Always Telling Young People, 'these Are The Best Years Of Your Life.' Are They? I Don't Know. Sometimes When Adults Say This To Children I Look Into Their Faces. They Look Like Someone On The Top Seat Of The Ferris Wheel Who Has Had Too Much Cotton Candy And Barbecue. They'd Like To Get Off And Be Sick But Everyone Keeps Telling Them What A Good Time They're Having.

Best Years Of Your Life

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Funny Inspirational

Housework, If It Is Done Properly, Can Cause Brain Damage.

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

My Sister And I Never Engaged In Sibling Rivalry. Our Parents Weren't That Crazy About Either One Of Us.

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

Children Make Your Life Important.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.

Funny Christmas

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

Before We Sent Kids To Computer Camps And Told Them They Were Having A Good Time, There Was Imagination Among The Human Species.

Kids Are Without A Doubt The Most Suspicious Diners In The World. They Will Eat Mud (raw Or Baked) Rocks, Paste, Crayons, Ball-point Pens, Moving Goldfish, Cigarette Butts, And Cat Food. Try To Coax A Little Beef Stew Into Their Mouths And They Look At You Like A Puppy When You Stand Over Him With The Sunday Paper Rolled Up.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

I Love My Mother For All The Times She Said Absolutely Nothing.... Thinking Back On It All, It Must Have Been The Most Difficult Part Of Mothering She Ever Had To Do: Knowing The Outcome, Yet Feeling She Had No Right To Keep Me From Charting My Own Path. I Thank Her For All Her Virtues, But Mostly For Never Once Having Said, "i Told You So.

Women Are Never What They Seem To Be. There Is The Woman You See And There Is The Woman Who Is Hidden. Buy The Gift For The Woman Who Is Hidden.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

If The Nest Is Truly Empty, Who Owns All This Junk?

Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

It's Frightening To Wake Up One Morning And Discover That While You Were Asleep You Went Out Of Style.

Never Lend Your Car To Anyone To Whom You Have Given Birth.

Happy Mothers Day

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

Spend At Least One Mother's Day With Your Respective Mothers Before You Decide On Marriage. If A Man Gives His Mother A Gift Certificate For A Flu Shot, Dump Him.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

Success Is Outliving Your Failures

I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.

I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

Never Underestimate What It Takes To Watch Someone You Love In Pain.

Someone You Love

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Adults Can Take A Simple Holiday For Children And Screw It Up. What Began As A Presentation Of Simple Gifts To Delight And Surprise Children Around The Christmas Tree Has Culminated In A Woman Unwrapping Six Shrimp Forks From Her Dog, Who Drew Her Name.

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

A Kitchen Without An Ironing Board? Are You Kidding? It's Un-american. It's Like Simon Without Garfunkel.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

Like Religion, Politics, And Family Planning, Cereal Is Not A Topic To Be Brought Up In Public. It's Too Controversial.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

Grandma Told Me Mama Was Once Caught By The Principal For Writing In The Front Of Her Book, "in Case Of Fire, Throw This In First." I Have Never Had So Much Respect For Mama As The Day I Heard This.

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

Dreams Have Only One Owner At A Time. That's Why Dreamers Are Lonely.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

She's As Funny As A Toothache

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

I Don't Know Why No One Ever Thought To Paste A Label On The Toilet-tissue Spindle Giving 1-2-3 Directions For Replacing The Tissue On It. Then Everyone In The House Would Know What Mama Knows.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

With Boys, You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane.

He Who Laughs.....lasts.

Next To Hot Chicken Soup, A Tattoo Of An Anchor On Your Chest, And Penicillin, I Consider A Honeymoon One Of The Most Overrated Events In The World.

I've Exercised With Women So Thin That Buzzards Followed Them To Their Cars.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.

Let Us Hope Manufacturers Can Come Up With A Diaper That Is Environmentally Sound. To Go Back To Cloth Would Send Us Back To The Day When Breathing And Raising A Baby At The Same Time Were Incompatible.

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.

Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

There Are Few Things In This World More Satisfying Than Having Your Son Teach You How To Play Tennis, Unless It Is Having A Semi-truck Run Over Your Foot.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

You Have To Love A Nation That Celebrates Its Independence Every July 4, Not With A Parade Of Guns, Tanks, And Soldiers Who File By The White House In A Show Of Strength And Muscle, But With Family Picnics Where Kids Throw Frisbees, The Potato Salad Gets Iffy, And The Flies Die From Happiness. You May Think You Have Overeaten, But It Is Patriotism.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

Family Life Got Better And We Got Our Car Back - As Soon As We Put 'i Love Mom' On The License Plate.

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