Background Image

...

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

-Erma Bombeck

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

It Takes An Uncommon

Erma Bombeck

...

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

Views: 56666

Topic

More From Erma Bombeck

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

Cleaning The House While The Children Are Home Is Like Shoveling While It's Still Snowing.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

Adults Are Always Telling Young People, 'these Are The Best Years Of Your Life.' Are They? I Don't Know. Sometimes When Adults Say This To Children I Look Into Their Faces. They Look Like Someone On The Top Seat Of The Ferris Wheel Who Has Had Too Much Cotton Candy And Barbecue. They'd Like To Get Off And Be Sick But Everyone Keeps Telling Them What A Good Time They're Having.

Best Years Of Your Life

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

Onion Rings In The Car Cushions Do Not Improve With Time.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

Last Year I Gave Seventy-four Phone Hours To Soliciting Baked Goods For The Bake-a-rama. I Was Named Top Call Girl By The League.

Spend At Least One Mother's Day With Your Respective Mothers Before You Decide On Marriage. If A Man Gives His Mother A Gift Certificate For A Flu Shot, Dump Him.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

I Will Buy Any Creme, Cosmetic, Or Elixir From A Woman With A European Accent.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

Someone Once Threw Me A Small, Brown, Hairy Kiwi Fruit, And I Threw A Wastebasket Over It Until It Was Dead.

One Son Appears In Stereo - A Transistor In One Ear And The Phone In The Other.

I Learned The Importance Of A Man's Chair Early In Life. I Learned That He May Love Several Wives, Embrace Several Cars, Be True To More Than One Political Philosophy, And Be Equally Committed To Several Careers, But He Will Have Only One Comfortable Chair In His Life. I Learned It Will Be An Ugly Chair. It Will Match Nothing In The Entire House. It Will Never Wear Out.

The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.

I Am Always Behind The Shopper At The Grocery Store Who Has Stitched Her Coupons In The Lining Of Her Coat And Wants To Talk About A 'strong' Chicken She Bought Two Weeks Ago. The Register Tape Also Runs Out Just Before Her Sub-total. In The Public Restroom, I Always Stand Behind The Teen-ager Who Is Changing Into Her Band Uniform For A Parade And Doesn't Emerge Until She Has Combed The Tassels On Her Boots, Shaved Her Legs, And Recovered Her Contact Lens From The Commode.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

My Kids Always Perceived The Bathroom As A Place Where You Wait It Out Until All The Groceries Are Unloaded From The Car.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

The Art Of Never Making A Mistake Is Crucial To Motherhood. To Be Effective And To Gain The Respect She Needs To Function, A Mother Must Have Her Children Believe She Has Never Engaged In Sex, Never Made A Bad Decision, Never Caused Her Own Mother A Moment's Anxiety, And Was Never A Child.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

I've Always Been Intrigued With The Variety Of Answers This Generation Will Give Their Children Who Ask, "where Did I Come From, Mommy?" They Will Range From "number 176 Vial In Buffalo, New York," To "you Were Defrosted."

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

There Is So Much To Teach, And The Time Goes So Fast.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

He Who Laughs.....lasts.

Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

Children Make Your Life Important.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood.

I Have Seen My Kid Struggle Into The Kitchen In The Morning With Outfits That Need Only One Accessory: An Empty Gin Bottle.

Having A Delivery Covered By Medicare Just Isn't Going To Fly. It's Too Risky For A Woman To Put A Baby Down And Not Remember Where She Left It.

Some Say The Antique Syndrome Surfaced To Offset The Newness Of The Land, The Homes, And The Settlers. Some Say The Interest Was Initiated By A Desire To Return To The Roots Of Yesterday. I Contend The Entire Movement To Acquire Antiques Was Born Out Of Sheer Respect Of Things That Lasted Longer Than Fifteen Minutes.

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

Motherhood Is The Second Oldest Profession In The World. It Never Questions Age, Height, Religious Preference, Health, Political Affiliation, Citizenship, Morality, Ethnic Background, Marital Status, Economic Level, Convenience, Or Previous Experience.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

I've Never Vied For Power In The Family Before. Pointing A Box At The Garage Door And Saying "open!" Was Never A Big Deal, But Holding That Television Tuner And Realizing I Alone Control What Is Flashed On The Screen Brings Out The Iacocca In Me.

I Love My Mother For All The Times She Said Absolutely Nothing.... Thinking Back On It All, It Must Have Been The Most Difficult Part Of Mothering She Ever Had To Do: Knowing The Outcome, Yet Feeling She Had No Right To Keep Me From Charting My Own Path. I Thank Her For All Her Virtues, But Mostly For Never Once Having Said, "i Told You So.

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.

It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

Do I Have To Use My Own Money?

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

It Is Upsetting To Many Parents That Their Teen-agers Introduce Them To Their Friends As Encyclopedia Salesmen Who Are Just Passing Through ... If They Introduce Them At All. I Have Some Acquaintances Who Hover In Dark Parking Lots, Enter Church Separately And Crouch In Furnace Rooms So Their Teen-agers Will Not Be Accused Of Having Parents.

Like Religion, Politics, And Family Planning, Cereal Is Not A Topic To Be Brought Up In Public. It's Too Controversial.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.

We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.

My Idea Of Housework Is To Sweep The Room With A Glance.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

As A Graduate Of The Zsa Zsa Gabor School Of Creative Mathematics, I Honestly Do Not Know How Old I Am.

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Funny Inspirational

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Make Cookies.

To My Way Of Thinking, The American Family Started To Decline When Parents Began To Communicate With Their Children.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

When I Stand Before God At The End Of My Life, I Would Hope That I Would Not Have A Single Bit Of Talent Left, And Could Say, 'i Used Everything You Gave Me'.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

I Never Go To A College Reunion That I Don't Come Away Feeling Sorry For All Those Paunchy, Balding Jocks Trying To Hang Onto Youth. I Feel Sorry For The Men, Too.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

It Is Difficult To Single Out One Sport Over Another, But If I Have To Name One In My Separation Suit, It Will Undoubtedly Be Football.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

A Grandmother Pretends She Doesn't Know Who You Are On Halloween.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

What Makes People Laugh? . . . It's A Happy Marriage Between A Person Who Needs To Laugh And Someone Who's Got One To Give.

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

Limousines Used To Be Reserved For The Ruling Class, Or, On Special Occasions, For The Working Class. Today, Limousines Are Like Taxicabs With The Door Handles Still Intact.

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

Before We Sent Kids To Computer Camps And Told Them They Were Having A Good Time, There Was Imagination Among The Human Species.

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

When You're An Orthodox Worrier, Some Days Are Worse Than Others.

Enter My First Neighbor - A Woman Who Spoke In Complete, Coherent Sentences, Who Ate With A Knife And Fork And Who Only Cried At Weddings. I Couldn't Help Myself. In A Dramatic Gesture, I Bolted The Door And Threw My Body Across It To Prevent Her Exit. She Understood.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

I Come From A Family Where Gravy Is Considered A Beverage.

I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.

It's Frightening To Wake Up One Morning And Discover That While You Were Asleep You Went Out Of Style.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

For Years, My Husband And I Have Advocated Separate Vacations. But The Kids Keep Finding Us.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

God Created Man, But I Could Do Better.

It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

How Come Anything You Buy Will Go On Sale Next Week?

I Will Never Understand Children. I Never Pretended To. I Meet Mothers All The Time Who Make Resolutions To Themselves. 'i'm Going To ... Go Out Of My Way To Show Them I Am Interested In Them And What They Do. I Am Going To Understand My Children.' These Women End Up Making Rag Rugs, Using Blunt Scissors.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat. A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday. A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend -- And He's A Priest.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

You Show Me A Boy Who Brings A Snake Home To His Mother And I'll Show You An Orphan.

When Humor Go's, There Go's Civilization.

I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

I Was Terrible At Straight Items. When I Wrote Obituaries, My Mother Said The Only Thing I Ever Got Them To Do Was Die In Alphabetical Order.

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

I Got To Thinking One Day About All Those Women On The Titanic Who Passed Up Dessert At Dinner That Fateful Night.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

The Age Of Your Children Is A Key Factor In How Quickly You Are Served In A Restaurant. We Once Had A Waiter In Canada Who Said, "could I Get You Your Check?" And We Answered, "how About The Menu First?"

Most Mothers Entering The Labor Market Outside The Home Are Naive. They Stagger Home Each Evening, Holding Mail In Their Teeth, The Cleaning Over Their Arm, A Lamb Chop Defrosting Under Each Armpit, Balancing Two Gallons Of Frozen Milk Between Their Knees, And Expect One Of The Kids To Get The Door.

Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three Are Endowed With Extraordinary Strength. They Can Lift A Dog Twice Their Own Weight And Dump Him Into The Bathtub.

Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.

I Have Paid As Much As $300 A Night To Throw Up Into A Sink Shaped Like A Seashell.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

I Have Finally Mastered What To Do With The Second Tennis Ball. Having Small Hands, I Was Becoming Terribly Self-conscious About Keeping It In A Can In The Car While I Served The First One. I Noted Some Women Tucked The Second Ball Just Inside The Elastic Leg Of Their Tennis Panties. I Tried, But Found The Space Already Occupied By A Leg. Now, I Simply Drop The Second Ball Down My Cleavage, Giving Me A Chest That Often Stuns My Opponent Throughout An Entire Set.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute...look At It And Really See It... Live It...and Never Give It Back. Stop Sweating The Small Stuff. Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What. Instead, Let's Cherish The Relationships We Have With Those Who Do Love Us.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.

Before And After

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

She's As Funny As A Toothache

After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

I Became Hysterical And Frightened And Begged For Sedation. And That Was Just The First Prenatal Visit.

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

Friends Are "annuals" That Need Seasonal Nurturing To Bear Blossoms. Family Is A "perennial" That Comes Up Year After Year, Enduring The Droughts Of Absence And Neglect. There's A Place In The Garden For Both Of Them.

Funny Friendship

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

Kids Need Love The Most When They're Acting Most Unlovable.

What's With You Men? Would Hair Stop Growing On Your Chest If You Asked Directions Somewhere?

Mothers Are Not The Nameless, Faceless Stereotypes Who Appear Once A Year On A Greeting Card With Their Virtues Set To Prose, But Women Who Have Been Dealt A Hand For Life And Play Each Card One At A Time The Best Way They Know How. No Mother Is All Good Or All Bad, All Laughing Or All Serious, All Loving Or All Angry. Ambivalence Rushes Through Their Veins.

Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.

Funny Valentines Day

Trending Author

Ken Livingstone

Edwin Hubbel Chapin

Category