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If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

-Erma Bombeck

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If I Had My

Erma Bombeck

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If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

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Myths That Need Clarification: "no Matter How Many Times You See The Grand Canyon, You Are Still Emotionally Moved To Tears." False. It Depends On How Many Children The Out-of-towners Brought With Them Who Kicked The Back Of Your Seat From Phoenix To Flagstaff And Got Their Gum Caught In Your Hair.

Housework Can Kill You If Done Right.

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There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

My Theory On Housework Is, If The Item Doesn't Multiply, Smell, Catch Fire, Or Block The Refrigerator Door, Let It Be. No One Else Cares. Why Should You?

When You're An Orthodox Worrier, Some Days Are Worse Than Others.

It's [motherhood] The Biggest On-the-job- Training Program In Existence Today.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

Myths That Need Clarification: "everyone In California Lives On A White, Sandy Beach." False. The Only People Who Live On California Beaches Are Vacationers From Arizona, Utah, And Nevada Who Own Condos.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

I Hated Skiing Or Any Other Sport Where There Was An Ambulance Waiting At The Bottom Of The Hill.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

When A Child Is Locked In The Bathroom With Water Running And He Says He's Doing Nothing But The Dog Is Barking, Call 911.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

Never Underestimate What It Takes To Watch Someone You Love In Pain.

Someone You Love

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

The Family. We Are A Strange Little Band Of Characters Trudging Through Life Sharing Diseases And Toothpaste, Coveting One Another's Desserts, Hiding Shampoo, Borrowing Money, Locking Each Other Out Of Our Rooms. . . And Trying To Figure Out The Common Thread That Bound Us All Together.

My Son Would Walk To The Refrigerator-freezer And Fling Both Doors Open And Stand There Until The Hairs In His Nose Iced Up. After Surveying $200 Worth Of Food In Varying Shapes And Forms, He Would Declare Loudly, 'there's Nothing To Eat!'

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

Maybe You Know Why A Child Can Reject A Hot Dog With Mustard Served On A Soft Bun At Home, Yet Eat Six Of Them Two Hours Later At Fifty Cents Each.

I Was Trampled To Death By A Man Who Believed His Luggage Would Be The First Piece Off. If He Were An Experienced Traveler, He Would Know That The First Piece Of Luggage Belongs To No One. It's Just A Dummy Suitcase To Give Everyone Hope.

Marriage Has No Guarantees. If That's What You're Looking For, Go Live With A Car Battery.

Funny Relationship

I Used Everything You Gave Me.

Inspirational Life

Meaning Of Life

She's As Funny As A Toothache

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

You Always Hear About Fashion's Success Stories. How A Starlet Lost An Earring One Night And By The Next Morning, The Entire Country Was Wearing One Earring. Or How Sweaters Made A Comeback In A Drugstore, Or A First Lady Influenced How We Dressed During Her Reign. But What About The Losers? The Fashions That Came And Went Out The Same Day? The Hopes And Dreams Of Designers That Were Shattered By The Sound Of Fifty Million Women ... Laughing Themselves To Death.

How Come Anything You Buy Will Go On Sale Next Week?

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

Car Designers Are Just Going To Have To Come Up With An Automobile That Outlasts The Payments.

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

If Compliments Were Food, I'd Have Starved To Death 28 Years Ago.

A Friend Will Tell You She Saw Your Old Boyfriend - And He's A Priest.

The Only Reason I Would Take Up Jogging Is So That I Could Hear Heavy Breathing Again.

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

Everyone I Talked To Was A Recording-the Bank, The Elevator, Your Office, The School, A Wrong Number. You Used To Be Able To Call A Wrong Number And Get A Person.

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Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

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Sex In The Nineties Is Boring. The Problem Is That It Has Gone From An Active Act To A Spectator Sport. We Watch People Make Love On Television And In Films. We Call 900 Numbers To Hear What Someone Would Do To Us If They Weren't Sitting In A Boiler Room Of Other Dirty Talkers Reading From A Prepared Script.

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

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When You're Lecturing Teenagers And They Begin To Hum And Leave The Room, You Can Sense There Is Hostility.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

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I Haven't Trusted Polls Since I Read That 62% Of Women Had Affairs During Their Lunch Hour. I've Never Met A Woman In My Life Who Would Give Up Lunch For Sex.

What Does It Profit A 78-year-old Woman To Sit Around The Pool In A Bikini If She Cannot Feed Herself?

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

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A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

Humorists Can Never Start To Take Themselves Seriously. It's Literary Suicide.

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

I Just Clipped 2 Articles From A Current Magazine. One Is A Diet Guaranteed To Drop 5 Pounds Off My Body In A Weekend. The Other Is A Recipe For A 6 Minute Pecan Pie.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

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I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.

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Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

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After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

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Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

In Russia, As I Sat There Day After Day Wearing Headphones, Listening To The Interpreter Struggle To Make Our Words Relevant, I Wondered If We Could Establish Meaningful Rapport With A Nation That Had Never Seen Raisins Dance In Dark Glasses On Tv...never Had A Garage Sale.

I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

There Are Few Things In This World More Satisfying Than Having Your Son Teach You How To Play Tennis, Unless It Is Having A Semi-truck Run Over Your Foot.

What We're Really Talking About Is A Wonderful Day Set Aside On The Fourth Thursday Of November When No One Diets. I Mean, Why Else Would They Call It Thanksgiving?

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

If I Raised My Hand To Wipe The Hair Out Of My Children's Eyes, They'd Flinch And Call Their Attorney.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

Family Life Got Better And We Got Our Car Back - As Soon As We Put 'i Love Mom' On The License Plate.

Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

With All The Precautions And Risks That Accompany Sex Today, It Sounds About As Much Fun As Walking Through A Minefield.

People Shop For A Bathing Suit With More Care Than They Do A Husband Or Wife. The Rules Are The Same. Look For Something You'll Feel Comfortable Wearing. Allow For Room To Grow.

My Idea Of 'roughing It' Is When You Have To Have An Extension For Your Electric Blanket.

It Is My Theory You Can't Get Rid Of Fat. All You Can Do Is Move It Around, Like Furniture.

It Takes A Lot Of Courage To Show Your Dreams To Someone Else.

Grandma Told Me Mama Was Once Caught By The Principal For Writing In The Front Of Her Book, "in Case Of Fire, Throw This In First." I Have Never Had So Much Respect For Mama As The Day I Heard This.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

People Are Always Asking Couples Whose Marriage Has Endured At Least A Quarter Of A Century For Their Secret For Success. Actually, It Is No Secret At All. I Am A Forgiving Woman. Long Ago, I Forgave My Husband For Not Being Paul Newman.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed. I Have Known Mothers Who Remake The Bed After Their Children Do It Because There Is Wrinkle In The Spread Or The Blanket Is On Crooked. This Is Sick.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!

You Have To Love A Nation That Celebrates Its Independence Every July 4, Not With A Parade Of Guns, Tanks, And Soldiers Who File By The White House In A Show Of Strength And Muscle, But With Family Picnics Where Kids Throw Frisbees, The Potato Salad Gets Iffy, And The Flies Die From Happiness. You May Think You Have Overeaten, But It Is Patriotism.

I Have A Friend Who Lives By A Three-word Philosophy: Seize The Moment. Just Possibly, She May Be The Wisest Woman On This Planet.

Shopping Is A Woman Thing. It's A Contact Sport Like Football. Women Enjoy The Scrimmage, The Noisy Crowds, The Danger Of Being Trampled To Death, And The Ecstasy Of The Purchase.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

Encourage Independence In Your Children By Regularly Losing Them In The Supermarket.

With Boys You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane. It's All There. The Fruit Flies Hovering Over Their Waste Can, The Hamster Trying To Escape To Cleaner Air, The Bedrooms Decorated In Early Bus Station Restroom.

Never Accept A Drink From A Urologist.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

I Love My Mother For All The Times She Said Absolutely Nothing.... Thinking Back On It All, It Must Have Been The Most Difficult Part Of Mothering She Ever Had To Do: Knowing The Outcome, Yet Feeling She Had No Right To Keep Me From Charting My Own Path. I Thank Her For All Her Virtues, But Mostly For Never Once Having Said, "i Told You So.

I've Never Vied For Power In The Family Before. Pointing A Box At The Garage Door And Saying "open!" Was Never A Big Deal, But Holding That Television Tuner And Realizing I Alone Control What Is Flashed On The Screen Brings Out The Iacocca In Me.

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Housework, If It Is Done Properly, Can Cause Brain Damage.

When They Told Me I Needed A Mastectomy, I Thought Of The Thousands Of Luncheons And Dinners I Had Attended Where They Slapped A Name Tag On My Left Bosom. I Always Smiled And Said, 'now, What Shall We Name The Other One?' That Would No Longer Be A Problem.

People Usually Survive Their Illnesses, But The Paper Work Eventually Does Them In. Filing A Claim For Insurance Is Terminal.

Some Of The Best Fiction Writers Got Their Start Writing Airline Menus.

I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I Would Have Waxed Less And Listened More. ... I Would Have Cried And Laughed Less While Watching Television ... And More While Watching Real Life. ... But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute Of It ... Look At It And Really See It ... Try It On ... Live It ... Exhaust It ... And Never Give The Minute Back Until There Was Nothing Left Of It.

No One Ever Died From Sleeping In An Unmade Bed.

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

On Vacations: We Hit The Sunny Beaches Where We Occupy Ourselves Keeping The Sun Off Our Skin, The Saltwater Off Our Bodies, And The Sand Out Of Our Belongings.

When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Make Cookies.

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

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I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

Once You Get A Spice In Your Home, You Have It Forever. Women Never Throw Out Spices. The Egyptians Were Buried With Their Spices. I Know Which One I'm Taking With Me When I Go.

I Lost Everything In The Post-natal Depression.

Lost Everything

I Got To Thinking One Day About All Those Women On The Titanic Who Passed Up Dessert At Dinner That Fateful Night.

There's Something Wrong With A Mother Who Washes Out A Measuring Cup With Soap And Water After She's Only Measured Water In It.

One Thing They Never Tell You About Child Raising Is That For The Rest Of Your Life, At The Drop Of A Hat, You Are Expected To Know Your Child's Name And How Old He Or She Is.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

Seize The Moment. Remember All Those Women On The 'titanic' Who Waved Off The Dessert Cart.

Thanksgiving Dinners Take Eighteen Hours To Prepare. They Are Consumed In Twelve Minutes. Half-times Take Twelve Minutes. This Is Not Coincidence.

Motherhood Is The Second Oldest Profession In The World. It Never Questions Age, Height, Religious Preference, Health, Political Affiliation, Citizenship, Morality, Ethnic Background, Marital Status, Economic Level, Convenience, Or Previous Experience.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

For Years My Wedding Ring Has Done Its Job. It Has Led Me Not Into Temptation. It Has Reminded My Husband Numerous Times At Parties That It's Time To Go Home. It Has Been A Source Of Relief To A Dinner Companion. It Has Been A Status Symbol In The Maternity Ward.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

There Is So Much To Teach, And The Time Goes So Fast.

You Become About As Exciting As Your Food Blender. The Kids Come In, Look You In The Eye, And Ask If Anybody's Home.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

Laughter Rises Out Of Tragedy When You Need It The Most, And Rewards You For Your Courage.

Why Take Pride In Cooking, When They Don't Take Pride In Eating?

Children Make Your Life Important.

I Would Have Invited Friends Over To Dinner Even If The Carpet Was Stained, Or The Sofa Faded.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

Authorities Say Brain Cells May Shrink, But They Don't Necessarily Die. Frankly, I Am Cheered By The Fact That Something Is Shrinking. I'd Be Even More Thrilled If What Was Shrinking Affected My Dress Size, But You Can't Have Everything.

We've Got A Generation Now Who Were Born With Semiequality. They Don't Know How It Was Before, So They Think, This Isn't Too Bad. We're Working. We Have Our Attache' Cases And Our Three Piece Suits. I Get Very Disgusted With The Younger Generation Of Women. We Had A Torch To Pass, And They Are Just Sitting There. They Don't Realize It Can Be Taken Away. Things Are Going To Have To Get Worse Before They Join In Fighting The Battle.

When Your Mother Asks, 'do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

Men Who Have A Thirty-six-tele Vised-football- Games-a- Week-habit Should Be Declared Legally Dead And Their Estates Probated.

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

Everyone Is Guilty At One Time Or Another Of Throwing Out Questions That Beg To Be Ignored, But Mothers Seem To Have A Market On The Supply. "do You Want A Spanking Or Do You Want To Go To Bed?" Don't You Want To Save Some Of The Pizza For Your Brother?" Wasn't There Any Change?

I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

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A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

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I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

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Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

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