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When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

-Erma Bombeck

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When Mothers Talk About

Erma Bombeck

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When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

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I See Children As Kites. You Spend A Lifetime Trying To Get Them Off The Ground. You Run With Them Until You're Both Breathless. They Crash . . . You Add A Longer Tail . . . You Patch And Comfort, Adjust And Teach. You Watch Them Lifted By The Wind And Assure Them That Someday They'll Fly.

I Never Leaf Through A Copy Of National Geographic Without Realizing How Lucky We Are To Live In A Society Where It Is Traditional To Wear Clothes.

All Of Us Have Moments In Our Lives That Test Our Courage. Taking Children Into A House With A White Carpet Is One Of Them.

Funny Inspirational

If I Had My Life To Live Over, Instead Of Wishing Away Nine Months Of Pregnancy, I'd Have Cherished Ever Moment And Realized That The Wonderment Growing Inside Me Was The Only Chance In Life To Assist God In A Miracle.

It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line.

To Say, "well, I Write When I Really Get Into It" Is A Bunch Of Bull. Put The Paper In The Typewriter, Stare At It A Long Time, Get Snowblindness If You Have To, But Write Something.

The Mole Rat Is The Only Rodent Born Without A Fur Coat. With A Good Lawyer, Someone Would Pay For That Little Oversight.

There Are People Who Put Their Dreams In A Little Box And Say, 'yes, I've Got Dreams, Of Course I've Got Dreams.' Then They Put The Box Away And Bring It Out Once In Awhile To Look In It, And Yep, They're Still There. These Are Great Dreams, But They Never Even Get Out Of The Box. It Takes An Uncommon Amount Of Guts To Put Your Dreams On The Line, To Hold Them Up And Say, 'how Good Or How Bad Am I?' That's Where Courage Comes In.

Early In My Life I Had Made A Pact With Myself. I Would Never Eat Anything That Moved When I Cooked It, Excited The Dog, Or Inflated Upon Impact With My Teeth.

Kids Have Little Computer Bodies With Disks That Store Information. They Remember Who Had To Do The Dishes The Last Time You Had Spaghetti, Who Lost The Knob Off The Tv Set Six Years Ago, Who Got Punished For Teasing The Dog When He Wasn't Teasing The Dog And Who Had To Wear Girls Boots The Last Time It Snowed.

[on Her Father's Death:] I Didn't Know His Leaving Would Hurt So Much.

I Remember Thinking How Often We Look, But Never See ... We Listen, But Never Hear ... We Exist, But Never Feel. We Take Our Relationships For Granted. A House Is Only A Place. It Has No Life Of Its Own. It Needs Human Voices, Activity And Laughter To Come Alive.

If Anyone Knew Where They Were, I'd Send The Isdbb (incredibly Stupid And Dumb Beyond Belief) Award To The Two Guys Who Tried To Break In To The Ohio Penitentiary.

Crocodiles Have A Smile I've Seen On The Face Of Every Lawyer I've Ever Met.

All Of A Sudden, I Feel Very Old And Very Tired. Maybe When I Get To California, The Smog, Brush Fires, Floods, And Earthquakes Will Cheer Me Up.

I Worry About Scientists Discovering That Lettuce Has Been Fattening All Along.

Poached Eggs Are Good, Poached Animals Are Not.

A Friend Never Defends A Husband Who Gets His Wife An Electric Skillet For Her Birthday.

No Baby Shall At Any Time Be Quartered In A House Where There Are No Soft Laps, No Laughter, Or No Love.

. . . But Mostly, Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute - Look At It And Really See It - Live It - And Never Give It Back.

Babies Should Enjoy The Freedom To Vocalize Whether It Be In Church, A Public Meeting Place, During A Movie, Or After Hours When The Lights Are Out. They Have Not Yet Learned That Joy And Laughter Have To Last A Lifetime And Must Be Conserved.

Getting Out Of The Hospital Is A Lot Like Resigning From A Book Club. You're Not Out Of It Until The Computer Says You're Out Of It.

I Am Not A Glutton - I Am An Explorer Of Food

The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank.

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

Grass Is Always Greener

The Term 'working Mother' Is Redundant.

Every Puppy Should Have A Boy.

You Have To Love A Nation That Celebrates Its Independence Every July 4, Not With A Parade Of Guns, Tanks, And Soldiers Who File By The White House In A Show Of Strength And Muscle, But With Family Picnics Where Kids Throw Frisbees, The Potato Salad Gets Iffy, And The Flies Die From Happiness. You May Think You Have Overeaten, But It Is Patriotism.

Some Say Our National Pastime Is Baseball. Not Me. It's Gossip.

I Have Always Felt That Too Much Time Was Given Before The Birth, Which Is Spent Learning Things Like How To Breathe In And Out With Your Husband (i Had My Baby When They Gave You A Shot In The Hip And You Didn't Wake Up Until The Kid Was Ready To Start School), And Not Enough Time Given To How To Mother After The Baby Is Born.

Giving Birth Is Little More Than A Set Of Muscular Contractions Granting Passage Of A Child. Then The Mother Is Born.

A Friend Doesn't Go On A Diet Because You Are Fat.

I Don't Think Women Outlive Men, Doctor. It Only Seems Longer.

One Meal A Day Is Enough For A Lion And Would Be For All Of Us If All We Did All Day Was Swat Flies.

I'm On A Diet As My Skin Doesn't Fit Me Anymore.

The Odds Of Going To The Store For A Loaf Of Bread And Coming Out With Only A Loaf Of Bread Are Three Billion To One.

There Is A Thin Line That Separates Laughter And Pain, Comedy And Tragedy, Humor And Hurt.

A Fitting Room To Me Has Always Been Like A Confessional ... Where My Body And My Contrition Take Up The Entire Room.

The More I Think About It, The More There Is To Be Said For The Sloth. He Sleeps Fifteen To Eighteen Hours A Day And Is Known To Have Taken Forty-eight Days To Travel Four Miles. He Hangs In The Trees After He's Dead. But He Lives Longer Than The Cheetah.

Sometimes I Can't Figure Designers Out. It's As If They Flunked Human Anatomy.

A Grandparent Will Accept Your Calls From Anywhere, Collect.

There's Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child.

If You Can't Make It Better, You Can Laugh At It.

Don't Confuse Fame With Success. Madonna Is One; Helen Keller Is The Other.

Hello There. I'm Out Social Climbing, But If You Leave Your Name And Number And If You're Anybody, I'll Get Back To You.

Families Aren't Easy To Join. They're Like An Exclusive Country Club Where Membership Makes Impossible Demands And The Dues For An Outsider Are Exorbitant.

I Have Always Felt Cookbooks Were Fiction And The Most Beautiful Words In The English Language Were 'room Service.

One Certainty When You Travel Is The Moment You Arrive In A Foreign Country, The American Dollar Will Fall Like A Stone.

I Have A Hat. It Is Graceful And Feminine And Give Me A Certain Dignity, As If I Were Attending A State Funeral Or Something. Someday I May Get Up Enough Courage To Wear It, Instead Of Carrying It.

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?

Throughout The Years I Have Set Up My Own Rules About Eating Food: Never Eat Anything You Can't Pronounce. Beware Of Food That Is Described As, "some Americans Say It Tastes Like Chicken.

Being A Child At Home Alone In The Summer Is A High-risk Occupation. If You Call Your Mother At Work Thirteen Times An Hour, She Can Hurt You.

He Opened The Jar Of Pickles When No One Else Could. He Was The Only One In The House Who Wasn't Afraid To Go Into The Basement By Himself. He Cut Himself Shaving, But No One Kissed It Or Got Excited About It. It Was Understood When It Rained, He Got The Car And Brought It Around To The Door. When Anyone Was Sick, He Went Out To Get The Prescription Filled. He Took Lots Of Pictures... But He Was Never In Them.

Cleanliness Is Not Next To Godliness. It Isn't Even In The Same Neighborhood. No One Has Ever Gotten A Religious Experience Out Of Removing Burned-on Cheese From The Grill Of The Toaster Oven.

The Bad Times I Can Handle. It's The Good Times That Drive Me Crazy. When Is The Other Shoe Going Going To Drop?

Did You Ever Notice That The First Piece Of Luggage On The Carousel Never Belongs To Anyone?

I Take A Very Practical View Of Raising Children. I Put A Sign In Each Of Their Rooms: 'checkout Time Is 18 Years.'

I Do Not Participate In Any Sport With Ambulances At The Bottom Of The Hill.

I Have Just Come Up With A Wonderful Solution To End All Wars. Let Me Give Directions On How To Get There.

When My Kids Become Wild And Unruly, I Use A Nice, Safe Playpen. When They're Finished, I Climb Out.

For Some Of Us, Watching A Miniseries That Lasts Longer Than Most Marriages Is Not Easy.

Most Women Put Off Entertaining Until The Kids Are Grown.

Just Think Of All Those Women On The Titanic Who Said, 'no Thank You' To Desert That Night. And For What?!

Never Have More Children Than You Have Car Windows.

No Self-respecting Mother Would Run Out Of Intimidations On The Eve Of A Major Holiday.

Funny Christmas

It Was A Bitter Moment For Us. We Weren't Two Mature Parents. We Were Just Two Kids Playing Grown-up. We Still Needed Mommy And Daddy's Permission, Blessings, And Money To Survive.

My Mind Works . . . Two Boobs Never Get Me A Job.

Adults Are Always Telling Young People, 'these Are The Best Years Of Your Life.' Are They? I Don't Know. Sometimes When Adults Say This To Children I Look Into Their Faces. They Look Like Someone On The Top Seat Of The Ferris Wheel Who Has Had Too Much Cotton Candy And Barbecue. They'd Like To Get Off And Be Sick But Everyone Keeps Telling Them What A Good Time They're Having.

Best Years Of Your Life

Grandparenthood Is One Of Life's Rewards For Surviving Your Own Children.

After Age Twelve, Birthdays Should Be As Private As Hernia Surgery.

When Mothers Talk About The Depression Of The Empty Nest, They're Not Mourning The Passing Of All Those Wet Towels On The Floor, Or The Music That Numbs Your Teeth, Or Even The Bottle Of Capless Shampoo Dribbling Down The Shower Drain. They're Upset Because They've Gone From Supervisor Of A Child's Life To A Spectator. It's Like Being The Vice President Of The United States.

I've Always Been Intrigued With The Variety Of Answers This Generation Will Give Their Children Who Ask, "where Did I Come From, Mommy?" They Will Range From "number 176 Vial In Buffalo, New York," To "you Were Defrosted."

Parenting Is A Negative Thing. Keep Your Children From Killing Themselves, Or Anyone Else, And Hope For The Best.

When Humor Go's, There Go's Civilization.

It Is Not Until You Become A Mother That Your Judgment Slowly Turns To Compassion And Understanding.

My Son Did Not Show Signs Of A Money Deficiency Until He Opened His Small Fist In The Nursery And Found It Was Empty.

I Read One Psychologist's Theory That Said, "never Strike A Child In Your Anger." When Could I Strike Him? When He Is Kissing Me On My Birthday? When He's Recuperating From Measles? Do I Slap The Bible Out Of His Hand On Sunday?

Have You Any Idea How Many Children It Takes To Turn Off One Light In The Kitchen Three. It Takes One To Say What Light And Two More To Say I Didn't Turn It On.

Babies On Television Never Spit Up On The Ultrasuede.

I'm So Bored. I Went To The Food Locker Yesterday To Visit My Meat.

One Never Realizes How Different A Husband And Wife Can Be Until They Begin To Pack For A Trip.

Remember, You Can Lead A Fifty-seven-year-old Body To Motherhood, But You Can't Make It Stay Awake.

Women Are Never What They Seem To Be. There Is The Woman You See And There Is The Woman Who Is Hidden. Buy The Gift For The Woman Who Is Hidden.

I Have Finally Mastered What To Do With The Second Tennis Ball. Having Small Hands, I Was Becoming Terribly Self-conscious About Keeping It In A Can In The Car While I Served The First One. I Noted Some Women Tucked The Second Ball Just Inside The Elastic Leg Of Their Tennis Panties. I Tried, But Found The Space Already Occupied By A Leg. Now, I Simply Drop The Second Ball Down My Cleavage, Giving Me A Chest That Often Stuns My Opponent Throughout An Entire Set.

Some Emotions Don't Make A Lot Of Noise. It's Hard To Hear Pride. Caring Is Real Faint - Like A Heartbeat. And Pure Love - Why, Some Days It's So Quiet, You Don't Even Know It's There.

Funny Valentines Day

Once You See The Drivers In Indonesia You Understand Why Religion Plays Such A Part In Their Lives.

A Child Develops Individuality Long Before He Develops Taste.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted.

Making Coffee Has Become The Great Compromise Of The Decade. It's The Only Thing "real" Men Do That Doesn't Seem To Threaten Their Masculinity. To Women, It's On The Same Domestic Entry Level As Putting The Spring Back Into The Toilet-tissue Holder Or Taking A Chicken Out Of The Freezer To Thaw.

If God Had Meant Us To Walk Around Naked, He Would Never Have Invented The Wicker Chair.

I Never Go To A College Reunion That I Don't Come Away Feeling Sorry For All Those Paunchy, Balding Jocks Trying To Hang Onto Youth. I Feel Sorry For The Men, Too.

Do You Know What You Call Those Who Use Towels And Never Wash Them, Eat Meals And Never Do The Dishes, Sit In Rooms They Never Clean, And Are Entertained Till They Drop? If You Have Just Answered, 'a House Guest,' You're Wrong Because I Have Just Described My Kids.

If A Man Watches Three Football Games In A Row, He Should Be Declared Legally Dead.

Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What.

Youngsters Of The Age Of Two And Three Are Endowed With Extraordinary Strength. They Can Lift A Dog Twice Their Own Weight And Dump Him Into The Bathtub.

Grandmas Can Shed The Yoke Of Responsibility, Relax And Enjoy Their Grandchildren In A Way That Was Not Possible When They Were Raising Their Own Children. And They Can Glow In The Realisation That Here Is Their Seed Of Life That Will Harvest Generations To Come.

Our Teen-agers Withdrew To Their Bedrooms On Their Thirteenth Birthday And Didn't Show Themselves To Us Again Until It Was Time To Get Married.

The Fact Was I Didn't Want To Look My Age, But I Didn't Want To Act The Age I Wanted To Look Either. I Also Wanted To Grow Old Enough To Understand That Sentence.

With Boys, You Always Know Where You Stand. Right In The Path Of A Hurricane.

Time. It Hangs Heavy For The Bored, Eludes The Busy, Flies By The For Young, And Runs Out For The Aged.

I Have Never Understood, For Example, How Come A Child Can Climb Up On The Roof, Scale The Tv Antenna, And Rescue The Cat ... Yet Cannot Walk Down The Hallway Without Grabbing Both Walls With His Grubby Hands For Balance.

The Age Of Your Children Is A Key Factor In How Quickly You Are Served In A Restaurant. We Once Had A Waiter In Canada Who Said, "could I Get You Your Check?" And We Answered, "how About The Menu First?"

Cats Invented Self-esteem.

When It Comes To Cooking, Five Years Ago I Felt Guilty "just Adding Water." Now I Want To Bang The Tube Against The Countertop And Have A Five-course Meal Pop Out. If It Comes With Plastic Silverware And A Plate That Self-destructs, All The Better.

The Fact That Americans Drag Around The World By The Busloads To Glimpse The Past Probably Has Something To Do With The Youth Of Our Country. We Revere Anything Older Than George Burns.

I Was A Closet Pacifier Advocate. So Were Most Of My Friends. Unknown To Our Mothers, We Owned Thirty Or Forty Of Those Little Suckers That Were Placed Strategically Around The House So A Cry Could Be Silenced In Less Than Thirty Seconds. Even Though Bottles Were Boiled, Rooms Disinfected, And Germs Fought One On One, No One Seemed To Care Where The Pacifier Had Been.

When Humor Goes, There Goes Civilization.

I Originate From A Family Where Sauce Is Viewed As A Refreshment.

If I Had My Life To Live Over I Would Have Burned The Pink Candle Sculpted Like A Rose Before It Melted In Storage.

Somewhere It Is Written That Parents Who Are Critical Of Other People's Children And Publicly Admit They Can Do Better Are Asking For It.

Never Go To Your High School Reunion Pregnant Or They Will Think That Is All You Have Done Since You Graduated.

When The History Of Guilt Is Written, Parents Who Refuse Their Children Money Will Be Right Up There In The Top Ten.

My Type Of Humor Is Almost Pure Identification. A Housewife Reads My Column And Says, 'but That's Happened To Me! I Know Just What She's Talking About!

Let Me Put It This Way. According To My Girth, I Should Be A Ninety-foot Redwood.

I'm Going To Stop Punishing My Children By Saying, “never Mind! I'll Do It Myself.

A Grandparent Is The Only Baby-sitter Who Doesn't Charge More After Midnight - Or Anything Before Midnight.

I Don't Know When Pepper Mills In A Restaurant Got To Be Right Behind Frankincense And Myrrh In Prominence. It Used To Be In A Little Jar That Sat Next To The Salt On The Table And Everyone Passed It Around, Sneezed, And It Was No Big Deal.

A Small Waist Makes You Tire Easily.

It's The Three Pairs Of Eyes That Mothers Have To Have...one Pair That See Through Closed Doors. Another In The Back Of Her Head...and, Of Course, The Ones In Front That Can Look At A Child When He Goofs Up And Reflect 'i Understand And I Love You' Without So Much As Uttering A Word.

With Girls, Everything Looks Great On The Surface. But Beware Of Drawers That Won't Open. They Contain A Three-month Supply Of Dirty Underwear, Unwashed Hose, And Rubber Bands With Blobs Of Hair In Them.

As A Child, My Number One Best Friend Was The Librarian In My Grade School. I Actually Believed All Those Books Belonged To Her.

It Would Have Been A Wonderful Wedding - Had It Not Been Mine.

Not All Bears Have Their Own Television Series. Some Of Them Are Unemployed Wild Animals.

Good Kids Are Like Sunsets. We Take Them For Granted. Every Evening They Disappear. Most Parents Never Imagine How Hard They Try To Please Us, And How Miserable They Feel When They Think They Have Failed.

We Even Switched To A Newly-formed Church Across The Town That Gave One Hundred And Twenty Trading Stamps Each Time We Attended. (we Now Worship A Brown And White Chicken With A Sunburst On Its Chest.)

There Was A Time When The Respect And Trust My Children Had For Me Would Have Made You Sick To Your Stomach. They Believed I Could Blow On A Red Traffic Light And Turn It Green.

I Didn't Fight My Way To The Top Of The Food Chain To Be A Vegetarian.

I Will Never Understand Children. I Never Pretended To. I Meet Mothers All The Time Who Make Resolutions To Themselves. 'i'm Going To ... Go Out Of My Way To Show Them I Am Interested In Them And What They Do. I Am Going To Understand My Children.' These Women End Up Making Rag Rugs, Using Blunt Scissors.

There Are Few Things In This World More Satisfying Than Having Your Son Teach You How To Play Tennis, Unless It Is Having A Semi-truck Run Over Your Foot.

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died.

I'm Real Ambivalent About [working Mothers]. Those Of Use Who Have Been In The Women's Movement For A Long Time Know That We've Talked A Good Game Of "go Out And Fulfill Your Dreams" And "be Everything You Were Meant To Be." But By The Same Token, We Want Daughters-in-law Who Are Going To Stay Home And Raise Our Grandchildren.

Most Children's First Words Are 'mama' Or 'daddy.' Mine Were, 'do I Have To Use My Own Money?'

Laugh Now, Cry Later.

Why Would Anyone Steal A Shopping Cart? It's Like Stealing A Two-year-old.

Many People Are Intimidated By Doctors. ... People Also Feel Stupid When They Don't Understand What A Doctor's Talking About The First Time Around, So They Don't Ask Again. And Let's Be Honest Here, People. English Is Not A Doctor's First Language.

It Is Fast Approaching The Point Where I Don't Want Tadenauer To Want The Job.

Success Is Outliving Your Failures

When Your Mother Asks, 'do You Want A Piece Of Advice?' It Is A Mere Formality. It Doesn't Matter If You Answer Yes Or No. You're Going To Get It Anyway.

The Rose Bowl Is The Only Bowl I've Ever Seen That I Didn't Have To Clean.

Funny Inspirational

Everyone I Talked To Was A Recording-the Bank, The Elevator, Your Office, The School, A Wrong Number. You Used To Be Able To Call A Wrong Number And Get A Person.

... It's Simply Wrong To Always Order [kids] To Stop That Fighting. There Are Times When One Child Is Simply Defending His Rights And Damned Well Should Be Fighting.

How Come Anything You Buy Will Go On Sale Next Week?

Cats Invented Self-esteem; There Is Not An Insecure Bone In Their Body.

In General My Children Refuse To Eat Anything That Hasn't Danced In Television.

For Some Unexplained Reason, It's Always The Other End Of The Table That's Wild And Raucous, With Screaming Laughter And A Fella Who Plays 'holiday For Strings' On Water Glasses.

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It's Time To Go Home.

I Didn't Fear Old Age. I Was Just Becoming Increasingly Aware Of The Fact That The Only People Who Said Old Age Was Beautiful Were Usually Twenty-three Years Old.

Know The Difference Between Success And Fame. Success Is Mother Teresa. Fame Is Madonna.

Not Everyone Is Comfortable With The Kissing Ritual. My Husband Is One Of Them. Her Refuses To Press Lips With Anyone Except His Wife, Mother, And Dog. If Someone Wanted To Give Him Mouth-to-mouth Resuscitation, He Would Refuse Until He Had Been Formally Introduced.

A Grandparent Will Help You With Your Buttons, Your Zippers, And Your Shoelaces And Not Be In Any Hurry For You To Grow Up.

Never Be In A Hurry To Terminate A Marriage. Remember, You May Need This Man/woman To Finish A Sentence.

There Is Nothing More Miserable In The World Than To Arrive In Paradise And Look Like Your Passport Photo.

Pregnancy Is The Only Time In A Woman's Life She Can Help God Work A Miracle.

Most Mothers Entering The Labor Market Outside The Home Are Naive. They Stagger Home Each Evening, Holding Mail In Their Teeth, The Cleaning Over Their Arm, A Lamb Chop Defrosting Under Each Armpit, Balancing Two Gallons Of Frozen Milk Between Their Knees, And Expect One Of The Kids To Get The Door.

Phone Are Wonderful Instruments, But I Wouldn't Want Our Daughter To Marry One.

Someday, When My Children Are Old Enough To Understand The Logic That Motivates A Mother, I'll Tell Them: I Loved You Enough To Bug You About Where You Were Going, With Whom And What Time You Would Get Home. ... I Loved You Enough To Be Silent And Let You Discover Your Friend Was A Creep. I Loved You Enough To Make You Return A Milky Way With A Bite Out Of It To A Drugstore And Confess, 'i Stole This.' ... But Most Of All I Loved You Enough To Say No When You Hated Me For It. That Was The Hardest Part Of All.

My Sister And I Never Engaged In Sibling Rivalry. Our Parents Weren't That Crazy About Either One Of Us.

I've Decided Life Is Too Fragile To Finish A Book I Dislike Just Because It Cost $16.95 And Everyone Else Loved It. Or Eat A Fried Egg With A Broken Yolk (which I Hate) When The Dog Would Leap Over The St. Louis Arch For It.

When Children Reach The Age Of Sixteen, They Discover The Meaning Of Life: Car Keys.

Phrases And Their Actual Meanings: My Teacher Has Never Liked Me. Expect A Phone Call Before Lunch From The Teacher Informing You That Your Child Has Been Launching Hot Dogs By Compressing Them Inside A Small Thermos And Then Removing The Lid Quickly.

My Second Favorite Household Chore Is Ironing. My First Being Hitting My Head On The Top Bunk Bed Until I Faint.

Given Another Shot At Life, I Would Seize Every Minute...look At It And Really See It... Live It...and Never Give It Back. Stop Sweating The Small Stuff. Don't Worry About Who Doesn't Like You, Who Has More, Or Who's Doing What. Instead, Let's Cherish The Relationships We Have With Those Who Do Love Us.

You Hear A Lot Of Dialogue On The Death Of The American Family. Families Aren't Dying. They're Merging Into Big Conglomerates.

Let Us Hope Manufacturers Can Come Up With A Diaper That Is Environmentally Sound. To Go Back To Cloth Would Send Us Back To The Day When Breathing And Raising A Baby At The Same Time Were Incompatible.

The Ultimate In Longevity Is The Christmas Fruitcake. It Is A Cake Made During The Holidays With Fruits That Make It Heavier Than The Stove It Is Cooked In.

Thanks To My Mother, Not A Single Cardboard Box Has Found Its Way Back Into Society. We Receive Gifts In Boxes From Stores That Went Out Of Business Twenty Years Ago.

Humor Is A Spontaneous, Wonderful Bit Of An Outburst That Just Comes. It's Unbridled, Its Unplanned, It's Full Of Suprises.

Never Loan Your Car To Anyone To Whom You've Given Birth.

Guilt: The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

I Convinced Him His Luggage Had Gone To That Big Bermuda Triangle In The Sky.

Before You Try To Keep Up With The Joneses, Be Sure They're Not Trying To Keep Up With You.

There Is One Thing I Have Never Taught My Body How To Do And That Is To Figure Out At 6 A.m. What It Wants To Eat At 6 P.m.

People Are Always Asking Couples Whose Marriage Has Endured At Least A Quarter Of A Century For Their Secret For Success. Actually, It Is No Secret At All. I Am A Forgiving Woman. Long Ago, I Forgave My Husband For Not Being Paul Newman.

Next To Hot Chicken Soup, A Tattoo Of An Anchor On Your Chest, And Penicillin, I Consider A Honeymoon One Of The Most Overrated Events In The World.

Maybe Age Is Kinder To Us Than We Think. With My Bad Eyes, I Can't See How Bad I Look, And With My Rotten Memory, I Have A Good Excuse For Getting Out Of A Lot Of Stuff.

Kids Are Without A Doubt The Most Suspicious Diners In The World. They Will Eat Mud (raw Or Baked) Rocks, Paste, Crayons, Ball-point Pens, Moving Goldfish, Cigarette Butts, And Cat Food. Try To Coax A Little Beef Stew Into Their Mouths And They Look At You Like A Puppy When You Stand Over Him With The Sunday Paper Rolled Up.

I Was Too Old For A Paper Route, Too Young For Social Security And Too Tired For An Affair.

It Seemed Rather Incongruous That In A Society Of Super Sophisticated Communication, We Often Suffer From A Shortage Of Listeners.

In The South Pacific, Because Of Their Size, Mosquitoes Are Required To File Flight Plans.

A Child Needs Your Love Most When He Deserves It Least

The Woman Who Says, 'my Kids Are All Speaking To One Another And They Love Us' Is A Psychopathic Liar.

When You Leave Them In The Morning, They Stick Their Nose In The Door Crack And Stand There Like A Portrait Until You Turn The Key Eight Hours Later.

Never Order Food In Excess Of Your Body Weight.

There Is Nothing Sadder In This World Than To Awake Christmas Morning And Not Be A Child. ... Time, Self-pity, Apathy, Bitterness, And Exhaustion Can Take The Christmas Out Of The Child, But You Cannot Take The Child Out Of Christmas.

No One Diets On Thanksgiving.

Funny Thanksgiving

I Have Seen My Kid Struggle Into The Kitchen In The Morning With Outfits That Need Only One Accessory: An Empty Gin Bottle.

My Mother Phones Daily To Ask, "did You Just Try To Reach Me?" When I Reply No, She Adds, "so, If You're Not Too Busy, Call Me While I'm Still Alive," . . . And Hangs Up.

Written On Her Tombstone: "i Told You I Was Sick.

I Have A Theory About The Human Mind. A Brain Is A Lot Like A Computer. It Will Only Take So Many Facts, And Then It Will Go On Overload And Blow Up.

Housework, If You Do It Right, Will Kill You.

The Hippopotamus Is A Vegetarian And Looks Like A Wall. Lions Who Eat Only Red Meat Are Sleek And Slim. Are Nutritionists On The Wrong Track?

Who In Their Infinite Wisdom Decreed That Little League Uniforms Be White? Certainly Not A Mother.

We Wondered Why When A Child Laughed, He Belonged To Daddy, And When He Had A Sagging Diaper That Smelled Like A Landfill, 'he Wants His Mother.'

I Firmly Believe Kids Don't Want Your Understanding. They Want Your Trust, Your Compassion, Your Blinding Love And Your Car Keys, But You Try To Understand Them And You're In Big Trouble.

Occasionally, Once A Speaker Is On His Feet, It Is Difficult To Get Him To Sit Down. ... If And When He Returns To Earth, He Notices Half Of The Room Is Paging The Other Half And A Few Are Playing With The Melted Candles.

Shopping Is A Woman Thing. It's A Contact Sport Like Football. Women Enjoy The Scrimmage, The Noisy Crowds, The Danger Of Being Trampled To Death, And The Ecstasy Of The Purchase.

In Two Decades I've Lost A Total Of 789 Pounds. I Should Be Hanging From A Charm Bracelet.

I Think It's Time We Women Stopped Carrying Supplies For The Entire Family. If Children Don't Have Room To Carry Their Own Toys, If Men Don't Have Pockets In Their Pants, Tougho.

A Member Of The Committee Slapped A Name Tag Over My Left Bosom. "what Shall We Name The Other One?" I Smiled. She Was Not Amused.

I've Always Felt There Are Two Things A Woman Should Never Do After The Age Of Thirty-five: Stand In Natural Light And Have A Baby.

I Was Leafing Through A Magazine Where There Was A Before-and-after Picture Of A Woman Who Went From A Size 5 To A Size 3 By Liposuction. Was She Serious? I've Cooked Bigger Turkeys Than Her "before" Picture.

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