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Late Night Is No Different Than Making A Film, Really, Except That It's Faster, And If You Do A Crap One, You Can Do A Better One Tomorrow. Writing A Novel And Doing Stand-up - That Stuff Is Very Similar.

-Craig Ferguson

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Late Night Is No

Craig Ferguson

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Late Night Is No Different Than Making A Film, Really, Except That It's Faster, And If You Do A Crap One, You Can Do A Better One Tomorrow. Writing A Novel And Doing Stand-up - That Stuff Is Very Similar.

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From 1934 To 1963, The Biggest Criminals In America Ended Up On Alcatraz. Nowadays They End Up On Wall Street.

There Are Times When You See The News, And You Go, "how The Hell Am I Meant To Do Anything Tonight?" I'm Not Good At Compartmentalizing Myself And Not Being Affected By The World Around Me, So It Was Very Difficult For Me When Atrocious News Stories Would Pop Up. And I Would Think, "how The Hell Am I Supposed To Talk To The Skeleton About The Horse Tonight?"

It 's The Time Of Year When Canadians Mate.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

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Sarah Palin Has Managed To Use Her Failed Vice Presidential Run To Put Herself In A Position Of Power And Influence. Joe Biden Won The Race And He Hasn't Been Able To Put Himself In A Position Of Power And Influence.

Position Of Power

I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

It May Be That The Fear Contains Information. Something Can Be Interesting If You Get To The Other Side Of That Fear.

I Used To Love Going Fishing. I Think It Was Really About The Clothes. Nothing Says Real Man Like A Vest With 38 Pockets And A Mesh Hat With Hooks In It.

My Son's Always Showing Me Pictures Of Dinosaurs And Asking Me What Their Names Are. I Dont Know So I Make Stuff Up: That Son Is A Thesaurus.

President Obama Said That We Rely Too Much On Gadgets. He Gave A Passionate Speech About Technology, But He Had To Stop When The Teleprompter Broke.

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Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

A Dozen Swimming Events Have Already Been Completed In The Olympic Competition. I Wonder Where They Got The Name 'speedo.' It Doesn't Sound Like A Bathing Suit, It Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal For Meth Addicts.

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

I Knew That I Had Been Partially Right In The Storeroom Above The Bar On Christmas Day. Whoever I Had Become Had To Die.

I Think In Our Desire To Create A Better America,we Have To Have Civilized Debate In This Country And Not Just Yelling.

The Smurfs 2 Is A Great Movie. The Smurfs Are Tiny Little Creatures That Everybody Loves. They're Like Justin Bieber - Minus The Part About Everybody Loving Him.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

I Realize That I Am Not A Journalist. So Anything I Say Is Not Important.

People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

Self Help Books Are Pointless. Here's Something For You... Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, And Self Help Books Are From Uranus.

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There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

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I Think The Scores For Olympic Gymnastics Are Affected By What Countries The Judge And The Gymnast Are From. That's Wrong. That Type Of Political Pandering Isn't Meant For Gymnastic Olympic Events. It's Meant For The Supreme Court.

Sarah Palin Is Speaking Out About The Oil Spill. She Said, I'm Not Kidding, We Should Ask The Dutch For Help With The Spill Because The Dutch Have The World's Best Dikes. So Let Me Get This Straight. It Is Ok To Cover Lesbians In Oil But You Just Can't Let Them Get Married.

I Grew Up In Scotland In The 1970s. There Was Not Much Money. The Most Popular Christmas Toy Was Probably A Potato.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

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Cannes Film Festival

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Congratulations

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The 3-d Effects In "star Wars" Are So Realistic, You Can Actually See George Lucas Reaching From The Screen And Taking The Money From Your Wallet.

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Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

I Don't Know Now If I'm Funny. I Just Keep Talking And Hope That I Hit Something That's Funny.

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Stoners Just Got A Powerful New Ally In The Fight To Legalize Marijuana - Conservative Broadcaster Pat Robertson. He Said It's Time To 'you Know, Legalize It, Tax It, And Keep It Away From Mel Gibson.'

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The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

I Know The Fashion Is That Everything Is Fair Game [for Comedy Material] But I Don't Believe That.

Don't Protest Outside Of A Rich Man's House In The Daytime, You'll Just Scare The Maid, And That's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Job.

...slow Down And Self-edit And Ask Yourself The Three Things You Must Always Ask Yourself Before You Say Anything: "does This Need To Be Said?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me Now?"

I Was 15 Years Old When I Was In This Band; We Were Called Stag. We Used To Wear Spandex Pants And No Underwear - We Looked Like Marbles Smugglers.

The First Ads For Medical Marijuana Have Started Airing On Television In California. The Ads Are Quite Expensive. It Costs A Lot Of Money To Buy 30 Seconds During 'spongebob Squarepants.'

I Have A Beard. Just Not On My Face.

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

If We Are Now Holding Late-night Talk-show Hosts To The Same Moral Accountability As We Hold Politicians Or Clergymen, I'm Out. I'm Gone.

During The Cold War, West Berlin Was An Exclave - A Tiny Outpost Of Liberalism Surrounded By People Who Want To Crush It. It Was Like Austin, Texas.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

Scientists Say Over The Next Hundred Years, The Coast Of California Will Sink Almost Five Feet. So The Presidential Candidates Need To Do Something. Mitt Romney Is Conflicted. On One Hand, He Denies That Global Warming Exists. But If California Is Under Water, He Would Definitely Win The Next Election.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Why Don't They Allow Professional Wrestling At The Olympics? They Allow Pro Basketball Players And Hockey Players. Olympic Pro Wrestling Would Be Awesome. The Team From Mexico Could Wear Those Mr. X Masks. The French Wrestler Could Hit His Opponent With A Baguette. Or Perhaps Just Surrender.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

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Donald Trump Showed His Birth Certificate To Reporters. Who Cares About His Birth Certificate? I Want To Know If That Thing On His Head Has Had Its Vaccinations.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

I Aim To Please. I'm Nothing If Not A Vaudevillian.

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

The Only Thing That I Would Say To Anyone Doing Late Night Shows Is - It Took Me A Couple Years Then - But When You Leave The Studio, It's Over. That's What You Really Have To Do. After A Long Time, I Would Be Like, "maybe I Shouldn't Have Said This," Or "maybe I Shouldn't Have Shown This." But Eventually, I Got To, "ah, F - K It." That's What It Was That Night, Tomorrow's The Next Night.

I Used To Psych Myself Up Before The Show And Now I Do The Complete Opposite: I Psych Myself Down. It's 12:30 At Night, You Don't Want Some Guy Yelling At You. You Want Some Guy Just Talking To You.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

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Thanks Cows. I Appreciate Your Tastiness.

Jeb Bush Announced Today On The Internet That He May Run For President. The Next Presidential Election Could Be Bush Vs. Clinton. It Will Be Like 1992 All Over Again Except I Won't Be In Rehab.

I Can't Wait To See The Debate Between Ryan And Joe Biden. Biden Is Said To Be Already Trying Out Different Strategies. So Far The One That Obama Likes Is Where Biden Pretends To Have Food Poisoning And They Cancel The Debate.

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

I Don't Like My Politicians Entertaining Me And I Don't Like My Entertainers Politicianing Me.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

Love At First Sight Is Not Rare, In Fact It Is Extremely Common, It Happens To Some People A Few Times A Year. The Feeling Of What If When Meeting The Eyes Of A Stranger Can Be Love Unrecognized.

In Los Angeles On Black Friday, A Woman Pepper Sprayed Wal-mart Shoppers Who Tried To Cut In Line. The Police Acted Fast By Immediately Hiring Her To Get Rid Of Peaceful Protesters Outside Banking Institutions All Across The United States.

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

I Think That Clearly It Has An Influence, To Be Coming Of Age During The Punk Rock Era, To Come From A Difficult And Sporadically Violent Background, To Have Been In And Out Of Such Chaos, I Think It Actually Helps. But I Don't Know For Sure.

Canada Is Not The Party. Its The Apartment Above The Party.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

If A Man Doesn't Know How To Dance He Doesn't Know How To Make Love, There I Said It!

I'm Reading A Book, Because I'm Brainy. No, It Is A Book - If You Don't Know, It Is Like A Blog Except Bigger.

Betty White Met With President Obama At The White House. President Obama Invited Betty Personally Because She's Great With Animals. And The President's Still Having A Tough Time House-training Joe Biden.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

I Became A Terrible Drunk Or Alcoholic - Or A Good One Depending On Your Point Of View.

Aphrodisiacs Come In Many Forms: Food, Drink, The Internet.

114 Isn't As Old As It Used To Be They Say Its The New 104.

At Cbs, I’m In Your House. I’m Mindful Of That. When I Do Standup, You’re In My Home And I Can Say What I Want To.

I Dont Know How To Add Things To My Own Wikipedia Page.

Strange Star-like Object Over Oslo Right Before Obama Arrives. A Gift Of A Golden Medal Given By A Group Of Wise Men... Nah.

It's Tricky Turning A Book Into A Movie. Sometimes People Love The Book So Much That No Adaptation Lives Up To What They Imagined. You Can Avoid That Disappointment By Never, Ever Reading Books.

If You Absolutely Believe That What You Do Is Right, You're Bullet-proof.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

You Can Never Talk Religion On Network Tv. It Makes Too Many People Angry. You Can Talk About Sex.

Other Than The Laws Of Physics, Rules Have Never Really Worked Out For Me.

Laws Of Physics

I Don't Know Why Some People Get Worked Up About Gay People Marrying. It's Not Gay People Who Are Ruining The Sanctity Of Marriage, It's Celebrities.

Sanctity Of Marriage

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

The Sexy Magazine In Britain In That Time Was Called Club International. Club International: It Was About As International As The International House Of Pancakes. It Should Have Been Called Naked Cockney Girls With Scurvy.

Every Year Law Schools Churn Out Thousands Of Lawyers. We Don't Need Any More Lawyers. We Need More Lawyers Like We Need More Talk-show Hosts.

I'm A Terrible Interviewer. I'm Not A Journalist - Although I Have A Peabody Award - And I'm Not Really A Late-night Host. What I Am Is Honest.

It Takes A Long Time To Become A Lawyer Because You Need Three Things - A Bachelor's Degree, A Law Degree, And A Desire To Worship Satan.

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

Being Guilty Tends To Engender Feelings Of Guilt.

The Whole Idea Of Re-releasing Old Movies Does Bother Me A Little Bit. If They're Going To Re-release An Old Movie, I Should Be Able To Get In With My Old Ticket.

In The 1970s Vampires Were Pretty Boring. The Scariest Vampire Was Count Chocula. One Bite Of Count Chocula And You Were Cursed With Type 2 Diabetes.

Type 2 Diabetes

If You Don't Vote, You're A Moron.

I Think Holidays Create So Much Pressure Because People Feel They Should Be Having A Good Time. But You Shouldn't.

Climate Change Is A Serious Problem. We All Need To Do What We Can. Unless That Means I've Got To Change Stuff. Then I'm Not Doing It.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

I Think That Everything Looks A Little Scarier At Night, When The Sun Goes Down. And I Know I Kind Of Want A Sense Of Reassurance Or A Community. Late-night Shows Is A Rare Place Because That's What We Do. Increasingly, I Felt Like I Didn't Want To Be That Guy. I Didn't Want To Do That. It Wasn't The Only Reason That I Stopped Doing It, But It Was A Consideration - I Didn't Know How To Process Tragedy After Tragedy And Then ... It Just Got Too Much, I Think.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

We Do Have A Big Kind Of History In Literate Tradition Of Vikings And We Have A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland, I Mean Especially Up North Wherever You Go You See A Plastic Viking Sitting Outside A Shop And Viking Calendars And - Because They - You Know They Came Down And Stole All Our Chicks And Then Some Of Them Didn't Quite Get Back And Ended Up Settling Down Here. So There's A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland.

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

I Love The United States. I Have Applied For Citizenship. I Want To Take The Oath Of Allegiance On Tv.

Cbs Announced They're Canceling As The World Turns. Don't Worry Though, If You're Addicted To The Twisted Plots, The Intrigue, The Illicit Sex, You Can Still Watch Golf.

Some People Watching Cnn Were So Shocked They Started Rioting. No, I'm Kidding. No One Watches Cnn.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big.

The Devil Is Not Abroad At Night In The Form Of A Cat Or A Wolf Or Any Other Animal. He Lives Eternally In The Hearts Of Men.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

People Are Saying That Anderson Cooper Could Be The New Oprah. And Then These People Are Struck By Lightning.

Fraser's Mother, Janice, Was Actually Quite A Happy Soul But She Had To Hide It Because, Like All Pseudo Intellectuals, She Thought Being Cheery Made Her Look Stupid, Which Of Course She Was For Believing That Rubbish In The First Place. She Like To Talk About Sartre Sometimes, Just As Insurance.

You Should Never Protest Outside A Rich Guy's Home During The Day Because He's Not There. He's At Work Grinding The Faces Of The Poor.

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

Even Though It's Warm Here In L.a., People Still Have To Wear Layers - At Least Until Their Plastic Surgery Heals.

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

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Giuliana Rancic

Vanessa Paradis

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