Background Image

...

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

-Craig Ferguson

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Think Sometimes That

Craig Ferguson

...

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

Views: 9

Topic

More From Craig Ferguson

Scientists Say Over The Next Hundred Years, The Coast Of California Will Sink Almost Five Feet. So The Presidential Candidates Need To Do Something. Mitt Romney Is Conflicted. On One Hand, He Denies That Global Warming Exists. But If California Is Under Water, He Would Definitely Win The Next Election.

There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

Santa Blows All These Shipping Companies Away. He Delivers More Than 2 Billion Packages In Just 24 Hours. He Does It By Sleigh. He Doesn't Use Tracking Numbers And Doesn't Use Trucks. He Just Uses Midgets And A Giant Bag.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

Being Funny Is A Gift, And, When Done Well, Is An Art Form.

Some People Take The Spelling Bee Very Seriously. These People Are Called "parents Of Children In The Spelling Bee." They're Trying To Make Up For Their Own Childhood Of Crushed Dreams And Misspelled Words.

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

I Don't See My Show As A Stepping Stone To Something Else Like Some People, Who Get A Job Then Have A Foot Out The Door Looking For Their Next Job.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

When You Need To Borrow Money The Mob Seems Like A Better Deal I Think. 'you Don't Pay Me Back I Break Both Yer Legs.' Is That All? You Won't Take My House Or Wreck My Credit Rating? Fine Where Do I Sign. Legs? Fine. You Don't Even Have To Sign Anything.

Look, There Is Nothing You Can Say About This Show That I Don't Already Know

The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

I Just Do My Thing And Try Each Show To Be More Honest About Why I Am And Who I Am. It's Quite Tricky And Actually Nerve-racking To Do That. It's Kind Of A Happy Train Wreck.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

A Lot Of The U.s. Used To Be Part Of Mexico, Including Arizona. But They're A Bit Touchy About That Right Now.

I Have To Do A Show Which Is Of Interest To Me, Or Else I'm Lost.

Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

I Used To Believe, Like Many People Who Come From Poor Backgrounds, That It Gave Me An Edge, But I Think That's Just Something We Have To Tell Ourselves To Get By Sometimes. I Don't Believe That Anymore. Children Of Privilege Can Be Just As Talented And Clever As Anybody Else.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

I've Got Young Kids, So It Suits Me To Do A Job Which Keeps Me In Town Right Now.

There Are Times When You See The News, And You Go, "how The Hell Am I Meant To Do Anything Tonight?" I'm Not Good At Compartmentalizing Myself And Not Being Affected By The World Around Me, So It Was Very Difficult For Me When Atrocious News Stories Would Pop Up. And I Would Think, "how The Hell Am I Supposed To Talk To The Skeleton About The Horse Tonight?"

I Don't Get Emails From My Corporate Overlords.

People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

Former President Bill Clinton Was Elected On This Very Day In 1992. Clinton Went On To Leave Quite A Mark In The Oval Office... You Mean The One On The Sofa?

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

A Junkie Will Steal Your Purse, And Then Help You Look For It.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

It May Be That The Fear Contains Information. Something Can Be Interesting If You Get To The Other Side Of That Fear.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

I Have No Ambitions Beyond Being Comfortable In What I Do For A Living - And Earning A Living.

I Knew That I Had Been Partially Right In The Storeroom Above The Bar On Christmas Day. Whoever I Had Become Had To Die.

Don't Protest Outside Of A Rich Man's House In The Daytime, You'll Just Scare The Maid, And That's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Job.

It's A Great Day For Sarah Palin. She Was Hired As A Commentator For Fox News. She Signed A Multi-year Contract, Which Means She'll Probably Quit After A Year.

Strange Star-like Object Over Oslo Right Before Obama Arrives. A Gift Of A Golden Medal Given By A Group Of Wise Men... Nah.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big.

Every Year There's A Jury At The Cannes Film Festival. Getting On The Jury Is Very Competitive In France. Not Because The French Love Cinema, But Because They Love To Judge.

Cannes Film Festival

The Meeting With Prince William Took Place At The White House Because Prince William Wanted To See Where The President Spent His Days, But The Golf Course Was Covered In Snow.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

So Far Rich People Have Been Very Quiet About The Possibility Of Getting Taxes Raised On Them, But That Doesn't Mean They Won't Get Mad About It, It Just Means They Don't Know About It. Because It Takes A While For Bad News To Reach A Rich Person. First Their Accountant Has To Tell The Butler, Who Has To Tell The Servant, Who Wouldn't Dare Interrupt Their Game Of Croquet.

Even Though It's Warm Here In L.a., People Still Have To Wear Layers - At Least Until Their Plastic Surgery Heals.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

I Think Comedy Comes More From A Low Sense Of Self-esteem, And I Certainly Have That.

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

They Say Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. But Teach A Man To Fish And He'll Get His Own Show On The Discovery Channel.

Teach A Man To Fish

On That Same Tour We Ran Into A Band At Aylesbury Friars, A Biggish Venue In Oxfordshire, England. They Were A Four-piece From Ireland Called U2. They Seemed Like Nice Fellows And They Sounded Pretty Good, But We Didn’t Keep In Touch. They’re Probably Taxi Drivers And Accountants By Now.

Welcome Back, My Cheeky Wee Monkeys.

Other Than The Laws Of Physics, Rules Have Never Really Worked Out For Me.

Laws Of Physics

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

It Seemed That I Performed Better Sober Than Drunk. Who Knew?

If I Have A Near-beer, I’m Near Beer. And If I’m Near Beer, I’m Close To Tequila. And If I’m Close To Tequila, I’m Adjacent To Cocaine.

Equestrian And Sailing Are Sports For People Growing Up On The Mean Streets Of Connecticut.

I Come From A Very Critical Culture. You Know The Scots. They're Always Saying: 'oh, No. It Will Never Work. You'll Never Amount To Anything. You've Got To Know Your Place In The World.

Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Hero Or Who You Choose To Deify, Be It Clay Aiken Or Barack Obama. You Put All You're Hope And All Your Dreams And All Your Ideas About Stuff Into One Human Being. They're A Human Being They're Going To Let You Down. You Can't Make Someone Your Hero Because Of Something You Read On The Internet. The Internet Is Not A Source Of Information It Is A Source Of Disinformation.

I Watched The Republican Debate. At One Point, The Candidates Said There Are No Classes In America, A Point Then Hotly Debated By All Six Rich White Guys That Were There.

In The Past I've Been Hard On The Vegans. I've Called Them Prius-driving Fascists, But Now I Am One Of Them. I Have Been Turned To The Dark Side.

Thank Heaven Election Day Is Over. No More Campaign Ads, No More Mud-slinging, No More Candidates Pretending They're Straight. It's Over!

The Nation Of Iran Is Threatening To Sue The Makers Of The Movie Argo. They Say The Movie Was An Unrealistic Portrayal Of Their Country. You Can't Do That! That Would Be Like Scotland Suing Over The Movie Shrek.

In Los Angeles On Black Friday, A Woman Pepper Sprayed Wal-mart Shoppers Who Tried To Cut In Line. The Police Acted Fast By Immediately Hiring Her To Get Rid Of Peaceful Protesters Outside Banking Institutions All Across The United States.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

I'm Reading A Book, Because I'm Brainy. No, It Is A Book - If You Don't Know, It Is Like A Blog Except Bigger.

I Grew Up In Scotland In The 1970s. There Was Not Much Money. The Most Popular Christmas Toy Was Probably A Potato.

It's Very Interesting To Know What People Are Doing While You're Working On Late-night Television.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

Being An American Is Something I Wanted To Be For A Very Long Time, Probably Since I Saw The Moon Landing When I Was A Child.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

Al Qaeda Has Declared War On The Somali Pirates. That Is Awesome! Evil Against Evil. Like Alien Versus Predator Or Cheney Versus His Lawyer.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Time Is Only Linear For Engineers And Referees.

A Dozen Swimming Events Have Already Been Completed In The Olympic Competition. I Wonder Where They Got The Name 'speedo.' It Doesn't Sound Like A Bathing Suit, It Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal For Meth Addicts.

Halloween's Eve Is Also Known As Mischief Night. Kids Are Supposed Go Around Playing Pranks Tonight. That's Great, Just What Teenagers Need -- Another Excuse To Be Jerks.

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

Apple Released The Upgraded Version Of The Iphone 4, Called The Iphone 4s. I Think The S Stands For Suckers.

During The Cold War, West Berlin Was An Exclave - A Tiny Outpost Of Liberalism Surrounded By People Who Want To Crush It. It Was Like Austin, Texas.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

Remember The Band, Flock Of Seagulls? They Had Their Van Stolen. I Was Like, They Still Have A Van?

I Think In Our Desire To Create A Better America,we Have To Have Civilized Debate In This Country And Not Just Yelling.

A New Study Says By 2030 Household Robots Will Dominate Every Phase Of Our Lives. The Study Says The No. 1 Field For Robot Growth Is Medicine. That Makes Sense. Robots Already Perform Well In Surgery. That Is, Until There Is A Power Outage. Then It's Just A Coat Rack Leaning Over You As You Bleed To Death.

Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

The U.s. Senate Is Considering A Bill That Would Tax Botox. When Botox Users Heard This, They Were Horrified. Well, I Think They Were Horrified. It's Difficult To Tell.

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

I Don't Know Much About The Supreme Court. If It's Anything Like The Supreme Taco, It's Like A Regular Court, But With Extra Sour Cream.

Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

Technically My Dog's Naked Most Of The Time. Except Halloween, When I Dress Him Up As Liza Minelli.

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

It's A Book. It's Mine. And It's Done.

Great, As Long As You're Happy

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

Oh Satan You're A Wily One.

I Think Commercialism Helps Christmas And I Think That The More Capitalism We Can Inject Into The Christmas Holiday The More Spiritual I Feel About It

My Mother Was Tickled And I Think Kind Of Proud When My Father Got Hit On My An Attractive Middle-aged Asian Lady Who Hadn't Noticed He Was With His Family. He Was Certainly Pleased About It.

The 3-d Effects In "star Wars" Are So Realistic, You Can Actually See George Lucas Reaching From The Screen And Taking The Money From Your Wallet.

A New York City Judge Struck Down A Proposed Law To Ban Sodas Larger Than 16 Ounces. I Think Mayor Bloomberg Should Spend His Time Trying To Improve Stuff Like Education. New York Needs A Better Education System If Kids Didn't Figure Out They Could Get Around The 16-ounce Soda Ban By Simply Purchasing Two 12-ounce Sodas.

The Idea Of Having Australians Upset At Me Is Just Awful.

Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often.

For The First Time In History, Congress Has 100 Women In It. Congratulations. Welcome To Modern Times, America. It's Great Having 100 Women In Congress. Unless You're In Line For The Congressional Bathroom.

Congratulations

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

The Term Big Brother Is From George Orwell's Book 1984 - Where Everyone's Watched Over By A Network Of Cameras Called Big Brother. I've Never Understood Why Orwell Chose That Phrase For Somebody Watching You All The Time. Isn't That More Like Creepy Uncle?

He Was In Awe Of The Thirst That People Had For Someone To Tell Them That Everything Was Going To Be All Right. He Marveled At The Gullibility And Vulnerability Of His Fellow Humans. No Wonder The Churches Called Them Sheep. They Were Woolly-headed Pack Animals Being Herded Around For The Benefit Of Whoever Knew How To Control The Dogs.

Italian Women Are Some Of The Most Beautiful In The World. This Is Why The Vatican Is In Italy. If A Man Can Walk Across Italy And Retain His Celibacy, He's Got What It Takes To Be A Priest - Or An Interior Decorator.

President Obama Announced His Re-election Campaign, Though It’s Not Really A Surprise. He Did All The Things That Make It Official: He Filed The Paperwork, Redesigned His Website, And Printed Another Fake Birth Certificate.

This Story Is True. Of Course, There Are Many Lies Therein And Most Of It Did Not Happen, But It's All True. In That Sense It Is Deeply Religious, Perhaps Even Biblical.

That's Here On Cbs, Where The 'c' Stands For 'classy' And The 'bs' Speaks For Itself.

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

If You Absolutely Believe That What You Do Is Right, You're Bullet-proof.

I Think When You Become A Parent You Go From Being A Star In The Movie Of Your Own Life To The Supporting Player In The Movie Of Someone Else's.

Fat Is Where Comedy Is Stored.

Justin Bieber's Tour Bus Was Stopped By Canadian Border Patrol Agents. And They Found Marijuana. The Agents Said Bieber Was A Disgrace To Canada And Should Never Come Back. Then They Found The Marijuana.

I Have A Beard. Just Not On My Face.

Why Don't They Allow Professional Wrestling At The Olympics? They Allow Pro Basketball Players And Hockey Players. Olympic Pro Wrestling Would Be Awesome. The Team From Mexico Could Wear Those Mr. X Masks. The French Wrestler Could Hit His Opponent With A Baguette. Or Perhaps Just Surrender.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

Here In California, We Passed A Law Against Texting While Driving. But There's No Law Preventing You From Writing A Letter While Driving.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

I Have A Deep And Profound Mistrust Of All Politicians.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

Democrats Are Calling Christine O'donnell 'the Sarah Palin Of The East.' Really? She's A Loud, Emotionally Unstable Woman From Delaware. That's Not Sarah Palin, That's Joe Biden.

I Think Holidays Create So Much Pressure Because People Feel They Should Be Having A Good Time. But You Shouldn't.

The First Ads For Medical Marijuana Have Started Airing On Television In California. The Ads Are Quite Expensive. It Costs A Lot Of Money To Buy 30 Seconds During 'spongebob Squarepants.'

Bush's Memoir Is 512 Pages. To Be Fair, 200 Of Those Pages Are Just Games And Puzzles.

Acid Gave Me A Clinical, Unblinking Look At Madness, And I Discovered I Wasn't Brave Enough To Be Insane.

It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

The Truth Is, You Win The Lotto. That's Really How You Have To Approach It. You're A Lottery Winner When You Get A Sitcom And It Goes.

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said Recently, 'no One Wants This Thing Over More Than I Do. I'd Like My Life Back.' Tony, I'm So Sorry You Had Your Summer Disrupted. I'd Buy You A Drink, But You'd Probably Spill That Too And Make Me Clean It Up.

People Are Saying That Anderson Cooper Could Be The New Oprah. And Then These People Are Struck By Lightning.

Donald Trump Showed His Birth Certificate To Reporters. Who Cares About His Birth Certificate? I Want To Know If That Thing On His Head Has Had Its Vaccinations.

Ros Was Dead. He Had Loved Heroin More Than It Loved Him. I Was Shocked Beyond Imagining; He Was The First Of My Friends To Fall.

I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

North Korea Announced That They Have Nuclear Weapons And They Have No Plans To Give Them Up. The White House, Acting Quickly, Announced Their Plan To Invade Iran.

Now, I Know Obama Was Trying To Take The Long View, But Talking About Solar Energy In The Middle Of The Oil Spill Is Like Watching Your House Engulfed In Flames And Saying, 'we Really Should Change The Curtains.'

The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

A New Survey Says One In Three Adults Will Be Dressing Up For Halloween. As For Me, I'm Not Going To Do Anything. I'm Going As Congress.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

What We Do Have Is Nothin' But Time. Welcome To The Shawshank Redemption Of Late Night!

World War Z Is Out Today. The Big Zombie Movie. The Trailer Looks Scary. You See Hordes Of Bodies Climbing And Rolling Over Each Other. It's Like Black Friday At The Mall.

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

Fraser's Mother, Janice, Was Actually Quite A Happy Soul But She Had To Hide It Because, Like All Pseudo Intellectuals, She Thought Being Cheery Made Her Look Stupid, Which Of Course She Was For Believing That Rubbish In The First Place. She Like To Talk About Sartre Sometimes, Just As Insurance.

Another One Of President Barack Obama's Nominees Is Having Tax Issues, Which Proves One Thing: The Democrats Like Raising The Taxes, But They Hate Paying Them.

Sarah Palin Is Speaking Out About The Oil Spill. She Said, I'm Not Kidding, We Should Ask The Dutch For Help With The Spill Because The Dutch Have The World's Best Dikes. So Let Me Get This Straight. It Is Ok To Cover Lesbians In Oil But You Just Can't Let Them Get Married.

I Can't Wait To See The Debate Between Ryan And Joe Biden. Biden Is Said To Be Already Trying Out Different Strategies. So Far The One That Obama Likes Is Where Biden Pretends To Have Food Poisoning And They Cancel The Debate.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

I Proved To My Own Satisfaction That I Am Madder Than I Think.

Former President George W. Bush Released His New Memoir. By The Way, 'memoir' Is Just A Fancy Word For 'a Bunch Of Stuff That Happened To Me.

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

According To A New Study, Our Email Is Not As Safe As We Thought. How Do They Know This? They've Been Reading My Email.

I Always Appreciated My Teachers. When I Was 16, I Gave Them The Greatest Gift I Could Think Of. I Dropped Out Of School.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.

If You Watch Cooking Shows On Cable, They Have Lots Of British People. Because When You Think Good Cooking, You Immediately Think Britain.

When In Doubt About Who's To Blame. Blame The English.

....maybe Fear Is God's Way Of Saying, "pay Attention, This Could Be Fun.

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

I Aim To Please. I'm Nothing If Not A Vaudevillian.

Sometimes People Think You’re Smart If You Question The Status Quo, If Nothing Else.

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.

Whether I Or Anyone Else Accepted The Concept Of Alcoholism As A Disease Didn't Matter; What Mattered Was That When Treated As A Disease, Those Who Suffered From It Were Most Likely To Recover.

These Days, Young People Watch Tv On Smartphones And Computers. Young People With An Actual Tv Set Are Harder To Find Than A Picture Of Anthony Weiner With His Clothes On.

The Whole Idea Of Re-releasing Old Movies Does Bother Me A Little Bit. If They're Going To Re-release An Old Movie, I Should Be Able To Get In With My Old Ticket.

I Was 15 Years Old When I Was In This Band; We Were Called Stag. We Used To Wear Spandex Pants And No Underwear - We Looked Like Marbles Smugglers.

I Became A Terrible Drunk Or Alcoholic - Or A Good One Depending On Your Point Of View.

I Think We Look Back At Times Past With Fondness Because We Were Younger. Life Had Not Yet Begun Pecking Away At Our Innocence Like Buzzards On Fresh Road Kill.

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

Director Oliver Stone Says He's Going To Make A Movie About Vladimir Putin. I Can't Believe Anyone Would Want To Work With That Insane Communist. And Putin Is A Little Crazy As Well.

I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

I Love Zombies. If Any Monster Could Riverdance, It Would Be Zombies.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

Gas Prices - It Is $6 A Gallon Here. People In L.a. Are Furious. You Can't Tell, Of Course, Because Of The Botox.

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She Is Adorable. She Is Back On The Campaign Trail. Really. She's Going To Campaign In The Senate Runoff In Georgia. As Soon As She Finds Out Where Georgia Is.

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. If You Don't Know What That Means, Maybe You're A Little Out Of Touch - Or Maybe You're The Governor Of Arizona.

There's Something I Believe Wholeheartedly: Cynicism Is The True Refuge Of The Pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism Is Easy. Joy Is An Extremely Advanced Spiritual And Intellectual Tenet.

I Always Wanted To Make Motion Pictures, Ever Since I Was A Wee Boy, And I Was 32, And Time Was Marching On. I Met A Guy Who Said, 'come Out To Hollywood For 10 Days, And I'll Get You A Deal.' So I Figured, 'ok, 10 Days.' On The 10th Day, He Got Me A Development Deal With Disney, Not For A Lot Of Money, But It Allowed Me To Make The Move.

I Think Comedy As An Art Involves The Audience As A Participant As Much As Is Involves The Artist.

I Think That Everything Looks A Little Scarier At Night, When The Sun Goes Down. And I Know I Kind Of Want A Sense Of Reassurance Or A Community. Late-night Shows Is A Rare Place Because That's What We Do. Increasingly, I Felt Like I Didn't Want To Be That Guy. I Didn't Want To Do That. It Wasn't The Only Reason That I Stopped Doing It, But It Was A Consideration - I Didn't Know How To Process Tragedy After Tragedy And Then ... It Just Got Too Much, I Think.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

Trending Author

Sparky Anderson

Becca Fitzpatrick

Jawaharlal Nehru

Category