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Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

-Craig Ferguson

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Harry Potter, He Sends

Craig Ferguson

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Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

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It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

These Days, Young People Watch Tv On Smartphones And Computers. Young People With An Actual Tv Set Are Harder To Find Than A Picture Of Anthony Weiner With His Clothes On.

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Lance Armstrong Admitted He Used Performance-enhancing Drugs Throughout His Career. He Confessed In Front Of The Most Respected Judge In The Land, Oprah Winfrey.

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Old People Really Do Have A Secret Though. You Wanna Know What It Is? Luck.

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Commodity Prices

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Oprah's Quitting In 2011. Now We Know Why The Mayans Ended Their Calendar In 2012

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Cannes Film Festival

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

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I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

Don't Hit Women. Never, Ever, Ever.

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A New York City Judge Struck Down A Proposed Law To Ban Sodas Larger Than 16 Ounces. I Think Mayor Bloomberg Should Spend His Time Trying To Improve Stuff Like Education. New York Needs A Better Education System If Kids Didn't Figure Out They Could Get Around The 16-ounce Soda Ban By Simply Purchasing Two 12-ounce Sodas.

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

In The 1970s Vampires Were Pretty Boring. The Scariest Vampire Was Count Chocula. One Bite Of Count Chocula And You Were Cursed With Type 2 Diabetes.

Type 2 Diabetes

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Sarah Palin Is Speaking Out About The Oil Spill. She Said, I'm Not Kidding, We Should Ask The Dutch For Help With The Spill Because The Dutch Have The World's Best Dikes. So Let Me Get This Straight. It Is Ok To Cover Lesbians In Oil But You Just Can't Let Them Get Married.

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The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

I Did Have A Love For Literature That Overpowered My Hatred Of The People Who Taught It, And I Think Because I Had No Respect For The Teachers, Their Attitude Didn't Poison The Writing That I Was Discovering For Myself.

Acid Gave Me A Clinical, Unblinking Look At Madness, And I Discovered I Wasn't Brave Enough To Be Insane.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

I Hope What I Do Has An Art To It, And As An Artist You Have To Try New Things And Keep Yourself Entertained.

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Sober Alkies Are Often Asked: "when Did You Hit Rock Bottom?" But A More Informed Question Might Be: "how Many Times Did You Hit Rock Bottom?

School Did Give Me One Of The Greatest Gifts Of My Life, Though. I Learned How To Read, And For That I Remain Thankful. I Would Have Died Otherwise. As Soon As I Was Able, I Read, Alone. Under The Covers With A Flashlight Or In My Corner Of The Attic—i Sought Solace In Books. It Was From Books That I Started To Get An Inkling Of The Kinds Of Assholes I Was Dealing With. I Found Allies Too, In Books, Characters My Age Who Were Going Through Or Had Triumphed Against The Same Bullshit.

My Mother Was Tickled And I Think Kind Of Proud When My Father Got Hit On My An Attractive Middle-aged Asian Lady Who Hadn't Noticed He Was With His Family. He Was Certainly Pleased About It.

Look, There Is Nothing You Can Say About This Show That I Don't Already Know

I Have No Ambitions Beyond Being Comfortable In What I Do For A Living - And Earning A Living.

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It 's The Time Of Year When Canadians Mate.

I Remember Talking To Someone Early On After I Was Sober About How I Suddenly Felt Awkward At Parties. They Said, 'well, You're Supposed To. Everyone Feels Awkward At Parties.' It's An Appropriate Feeling To Feel.

It's Tricky Turning A Book Into A Movie. Sometimes People Love The Book So Much That No Adaptation Lives Up To What They Imagined. You Can Avoid That Disappointment By Never, Ever Reading Books.

Italian Women Are Some Of The Most Beautiful In The World. This Is Why The Vatican Is In Italy. If A Man Can Walk Across Italy And Retain His Celibacy, He's Got What It Takes To Be A Priest - Or An Interior Decorator.

The Virus In The Movie 'contagion' Is Based On The Bird Flu Which Came Out Of Nowhere Back In 2008. Everyone Thought It Was Going To Change The Way We Live And It Just Faded Away. Wait A Minute, I'm Talking About President Obama.

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It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

Saudia Arabia Takes In Half A Trillion Dollars Every Year In Oil Revenue, And The Country Has A Population Smaller Than New York State, But When Your System Of Government Is An Eleventh Century Monarchy, Someone's Going To End Up Poor, And It's Not Gonna Be The Guy Whose First Name Is King.

....maybe Fear Is God's Way Of Saying, "pay Attention, This Could Be Fun.

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People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

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Don't Ever Rope Me In As A Late-night Talk Show Host. I Don't Want To Be One.

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

Justin Bieber's Tour Bus Was Stopped By Canadian Border Patrol Agents. And They Found Marijuana. The Agents Said Bieber Was A Disgrace To Canada And Should Never Come Back. Then They Found The Marijuana.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

Tomorrow Is Your Future's Yesterday.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

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George Plimpton

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