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Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

-Craig Ferguson

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Here's A Tip For

Craig Ferguson

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Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

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From 1934 To 1963, The Biggest Criminals In America Ended Up On Alcatraz. Nowadays They End Up On Wall Street.

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If You're Frightened Of Leprechauns, The Best Thing To Do Is To Get Yourself A Little Leprechaun Outfit And See How Big They Are. And Then You'll Go, 'well I See. That's Like Bein' Frightened Of A Hampster.'

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All They Teach You In Drama School Is How To Do Stage Fights And Be A Pain In Rehearsals.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

You Should Never Protest Outside A Rich Guy's Home During The Day Because He's Not There. He's At Work Grinding The Faces Of The Poor.

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

If I Have A Near-beer, I’m Near Beer. And If I’m Near Beer, I’m Close To Tequila. And If I’m Close To Tequila, I’m Adjacent To Cocaine.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

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Luc De Clapiers

Edward Fitzgerald

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