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Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

-Craig Ferguson

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Dell Computers Announced They're

Craig Ferguson

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Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

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More From Craig Ferguson

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Remember The Band, Flock Of Seagulls? They Had Their Van Stolen. I Was Like, They Still Have A Van?

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

I Don't Think Wood Was Discovered In Britain Until The 1970's. That's When I Discovered It Anyway.

For The First Time In History, Congress Has 100 Women In It. Congratulations. Welcome To Modern Times, America. It's Great Having 100 Women In Congress. Unless You're In Line For The Congressional Bathroom.

Congratulations

Mark Zuckerberg Was Named Time's Person Of The Year. I'm Sorry If You Don't Recognize The Name. A Magazine Is Something People Used To Read.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

If You Don't Vote, You're A Moron.

This Is My First Week As An American Citizen. It's Amazing. Now I Can Vote In The General Election - And For American Idol.

I Proved To My Own Satisfaction That I Am Madder Than I Think.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

New Ipod. It Looks Like An Iphone But It Can't Make Phone Calls. So Its Really Just An Iphone.

I Am Probably A Pseudo-intellectual.

Pseudo Intellectuals

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

I Don't Get Emails From My Corporate Overlords.

I Love The United States. I Have Applied For Citizenship. I Want To Take The Oath Of Allegiance On Tv.

When In Doubt About Who's To Blame. Blame The English.

Laughter Separates Us From Despair And Gives Us A Chance At Love.

Even A Chameleon Needs The Proper Amount Of Suction.

....maybe Fear Is God's Way Of Saying, "pay Attention, This Could Be Fun.

Justin Bieber's Tour Bus Was Stopped By Canadian Border Patrol Agents. And They Found Marijuana. The Agents Said Bieber Was A Disgrace To Canada And Should Never Come Back. Then They Found The Marijuana.

Some People Take The Spelling Bee Very Seriously. These People Are Called "parents Of Children In The Spelling Bee." They're Trying To Make Up For Their Own Childhood Of Crushed Dreams And Misspelled Words.

I Do A Public Access Show With Puppets. Puppets Called Actors, Tv And Movie Stars.

These Days, Young People Watch Tv On Smartphones And Computers. Young People With An Actual Tv Set Are Harder To Find Than A Picture Of Anthony Weiner With His Clothes On.

Don't Ever Rope Me In As A Late-night Talk Show Host. I Don't Want To Be One.

It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

So Far Rich People Have Been Very Quiet About The Possibility Of Getting Taxes Raised On Them, But That Doesn't Mean They Won't Get Mad About It, It Just Means They Don't Know About It. Because It Takes A While For Bad News To Reach A Rich Person. First Their Accountant Has To Tell The Butler, Who Has To Tell The Servant, Who Wouldn't Dare Interrupt Their Game Of Croquet.

I Think In Our Desire To Create A Better America,we Have To Have Civilized Debate In This Country And Not Just Yelling.

Being An American Is Something I Wanted To Be For A Very Long Time, Probably Since I Saw The Moon Landing When I Was A Child.

There Is A New Survey Out About The Happiest Professions. I Think The Whole Premise Is Flawed. You're Supposed To Find True Happiness Outside Of Work. From Friends, Family, And Youtube Videos Of Old People Falling Down.

I Think Commercialism Helps Christmas And I Think That The More Capitalism We Can Inject Into The Christmas Holiday The More Spiritual I Feel About It

I've Got Young Kids, So It Suits Me To Do A Job Which Keeps Me In Town Right Now.

Canada Is Not The Party. Its The Apartment Above The Party.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

I'm Careful With Money.

It's All About The Triumph Of Intellect And Romance Over Brute Force And Cynicism.

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

I Think The Scores For Olympic Gymnastics Are Affected By What Countries The Judge And The Gymnast Are From. That's Wrong. That Type Of Political Pandering Isn't Meant For Gymnastic Olympic Events. It's Meant For The Supreme Court.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

If A Man Doesn't Know How To Dance He Doesn't Know How To Make Love, There I Said It!

There's Just A Feeling You Get From Certain Things You Do In Life That Just Kind Of Feel Pure And Independent Of What's Actually, Physically, Going On.

Great, As Long As You're Happy

I Found Out It Is Just As Hard To Make A Movie That You Are Not Proud Of As It Is To Make One You Love.

It May Be That The Fear Contains Information. Something Can Be Interesting If You Get To The Other Side Of That Fear.

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

A New Study Says By 2030 Household Robots Will Dominate Every Phase Of Our Lives. The Study Says The No. 1 Field For Robot Growth Is Medicine. That Makes Sense. Robots Already Perform Well In Surgery. That Is, Until There Is A Power Outage. Then It's Just A Coat Rack Leaning Over You As You Bleed To Death.

Oh Satan You're A Wily One.

That's Here On Cbs, Where The 'c' Stands For 'classy' And The 'bs' Speaks For Itself.

I Don't Know Why Some People Get Worked Up About Gay People Marrying. It's Not Gay People Who Are Ruining The Sanctity Of Marriage, It's Celebrities.

Sanctity Of Marriage

People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

There Is No Thanksgiving Back In The Old Country Where I Come From. You Know Why? Because Being Thankful Is A Sin.

A New Survey Says One In Three Adults Will Be Dressing Up For Halloween. As For Me, I'm Not Going To Do Anything. I'm Going As Congress.

Allowances Can Always Be Made For Your Friends To Disagree With You. Disagreement, Vehement Disagreement, Is Healthy. Debate Is Impossible Without It. Evil Does Not Question Itself, Only Hope Questions Itself. Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often. Like When A Bumblebee Flies Or An Ancient Regime Is Toppled.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

Being Guilty Tends To Engender Feelings Of Guilt.

Tomorrow Is Your Future's Yesterday.

If Scotland And America Go To War, I'm Afraid I've Already Sworn In.

A New York City Judge Struck Down A Proposed Law To Ban Sodas Larger Than 16 Ounces. I Think Mayor Bloomberg Should Spend His Time Trying To Improve Stuff Like Education. New York Needs A Better Education System If Kids Didn't Figure Out They Could Get Around The 16-ounce Soda Ban By Simply Purchasing Two 12-ounce Sodas.

My Father Had A Very Unusual Psychic Ability, He Could Detect Water. It's Called Divining. He Would Use A Y-shaped U-branch, And He Could Find Water With That, Which Is A Very Impressive Skill In A Country Where It Rains 365 Days Of The Year.

Anyway, If You Needed Something Really Dangerous, Get A Gun. It's Easy, It's Cheap, And It's The American Way.

I Think People Are As Individual As Snowflakes, They Kinda Look Alike But No Two Are The Exactly The Same, And All Classification Is The Root Of Prejudice.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

Sometimes People Think You’re Smart If You Question The Status Quo, If Nothing Else.

Much Of Television Has Been Homogenized In The Desire To Avoid Annoying Or Upsetting People.

This Book Could Scare Them. The Sex, The Violence, The Dream Sequences And The Iconoclasm - I Think A Lot Of People Are Uncomfortable With That. I Understand That. It Was Very Uncomfortable To Write Some Of It

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

All They Teach You In Drama School Is How To Do Stage Fights And Be A Pain In Rehearsals.

There's Something I Believe Wholeheartedly: Cynicism Is The True Refuge Of The Pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism Is Easy. Joy Is An Extremely Advanced Spiritual And Intellectual Tenet.

According To A New Study, Hawaii Is The Happiest Place In America To Live. And I Thought It Was Just A Great Place To Pretend You Were Born In.

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

Now, I Know Obama Was Trying To Take The Long View, But Talking About Solar Energy In The Middle Of The Oil Spill Is Like Watching Your House Engulfed In Flames And Saying, 'we Really Should Change The Curtains.'

I Don't Know Now If I'm Funny. I Just Keep Talking And Hope That I Hit Something That's Funny.

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She Is Adorable. She Is Back On The Campaign Trail. Really. She's Going To Campaign In The Senate Runoff In Georgia. As Soon As She Finds Out Where Georgia Is.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

Aphrodisiacs Come In Many Forms: Food, Drink, The Internet.

You Know Who They're Blaming For Global Warming Now? This Is True. Fat People.

They Were Singing, Gillette, The Best A Man Can Get, With A Lot Of Guys Hugging Their Fathers And Sailing And Riding Bikes. I Suddenly Felt A Long Way From The Best A Man Could Get And I Thought It Would Be Nice To Get From There To The Best.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

Being The Executive Producer Of A Film Is Not That Difficult. It Just Means That You Have Some Power. There's Not A Huge Amount Of Skill Involved, I Don't Know How Much I'm Giving Away Here. I Feel Like That Guy On Fox, Giving Away The Magicians' Tricks. It's Not Rocket Science, Being An Executive Producer Of A Film.

The Whole Idea Of Re-releasing Old Movies Does Bother Me A Little Bit. If They're Going To Re-release An Old Movie, I Should Be Able To Get In With My Old Ticket.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde Is A Metaphor For Alcoholism. He Drinks A Potion, Becomes A Monster. I Know Exactly How He Feels.

I Wanted To Be A Rock Star.

I Love Zombies. If Any Monster Could Riverdance, It Would Be Zombies.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

You Know, I Think There's A Good Rule Of Thumb Here: Don't Take Nutritional Advice From Other Species.

Don't Hit Women. Never, Ever, Ever.

Osama Bin Laden's Death Has Been In The News All Day. Leftish Stations Are Going, 'president Obama Saves The World.' Stations On The Right Are Going, 'obama Kills Fellow Muslim.'

Santa Blows All These Shipping Companies Away. He Delivers More Than 2 Billion Packages In Just 24 Hours. He Does It By Sleigh. He Doesn't Use Tracking Numbers And Doesn't Use Trucks. He Just Uses Midgets And A Giant Bag.

Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

I Do Love America. And La Is A Very Short Commute To America Its Like Half An Hour On The Plane.

I Have A Beard. Just Not On My Face.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

I Knew That I Had Been Partially Right In The Storeroom Above The Bar On Christmas Day. Whoever I Had Become Had To Die.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

I'm Not So Much A Dragon Slayer, More A Dragon Annoyer -- I'm A Dragon Irritater.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

Old People Really Do Have A Secret Though. You Wanna Know What It Is? Luck.

Technically My Dog's Naked Most Of The Time. Except Halloween, When I Dress Him Up As Liza Minelli.

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

These Days, Teachers Have It Rough. Kids Can Be Hyperactive, Disobedient, And Obnoxious. It Must Feel Like Being Locked In A Room Of Drunk Midgets.

A Dozen Swimming Events Have Already Been Completed In The Olympic Competition. I Wonder Where They Got The Name 'speedo.' It Doesn't Sound Like A Bathing Suit, It Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal For Meth Addicts.

It's A Book. It's Mine. And It's Done.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

The Virus In The Movie 'contagion' Is Based On The Bird Flu Which Came Out Of Nowhere Back In 2008. Everyone Thought It Was Going To Change The Way We Live And It Just Faded Away. Wait A Minute, I'm Talking About President Obama.

It's Very Interesting To Know What People Are Doing While You're Working On Late-night Television.

Betty White Met With President Obama At The White House. President Obama Invited Betty Personally Because She's Great With Animals. And The President's Still Having A Tough Time House-training Joe Biden.

The First Ads For Medical Marijuana Have Started Airing On Television In California. The Ads Are Quite Expensive. It Costs A Lot Of Money To Buy 30 Seconds During 'spongebob Squarepants.'

Delaware Senate Candidate Christine O'donnell Said Recently That Hollywood Needs To Re-evaluate What They're Doing Because Movies These Days Are All Filled With Gay Sex And Extramarital Affairs. And I Thought, 'have Fun In Congress Then.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

Don't Protest Outside Of A Rich Man's House In The Daytime, You'll Just Scare The Maid, And That's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Job.

I'm Always A Bit Shy Around Evil People.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving.

Whoever I Had Become Had To Die.

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

Some People Watching Cnn Were So Shocked They Started Rioting. No, I'm Kidding. No One Watches Cnn.

On That Same Tour We Ran Into A Band At Aylesbury Friars, A Biggish Venue In Oxfordshire, England. They Were A Four-piece From Ireland Called U2. They Seemed Like Nice Fellows And They Sounded Pretty Good, But We Didn’t Keep In Touch. They’re Probably Taxi Drivers And Accountants By Now.

If We Are Now Holding Late-night Talk-show Hosts To The Same Moral Accountability As We Hold Politicians Or Clergymen, I'm Out. I'm Gone.

I Was 15 Years Old When I Was In This Band; We Were Called Stag. We Used To Wear Spandex Pants And No Underwear - We Looked Like Marbles Smugglers.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

The Truth Is, You Win The Lotto. That's Really How You Have To Approach It. You're A Lottery Winner When You Get A Sitcom And It Goes.

Fat Is Where Comedy Is Stored.

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

There's Something Spiritual In Hard Work. Spirituality Isn't All Aromatherapy And Scented Candles.

I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

...slow Down And Self-edit And Ask Yourself The Three Things You Must Always Ask Yourself Before You Say Anything: "does This Need To Be Said?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me Now?"

Welcome Back, My Cheeky Wee Monkeys.

I'm A Vulgar Lounge Entertainer, I Don't Need To Wear A Tie.

I View My Own Body As A Petting Zoo. I Am The Main Attraction... And The Only Customer.

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

The World Can Be Such A Fright, But It Belongs To Us Tonight.

You Can Never Talk Religion On Network Tv. It Makes Too Many People Angry. You Can Talk About Sex.

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

You Should Never Protest Outside A Rich Guy's Home During The Day Because He's Not There. He's At Work Grinding The Faces Of The Poor.

I Only Like Sports That Bond Villains Played.

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

Italian Women Are Some Of The Most Beautiful In The World. This Is Why The Vatican Is In Italy. If A Man Can Walk Across Italy And Retain His Celibacy, He's Got What It Takes To Be A Priest - Or An Interior Decorator.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

I've Been Running My Whole Life. Running Into Bars, Running Around The World. But When You Have A Child, You Can't Run. That Was A Revelation.

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

I Said That The Only Way I Could Have A Band That Would Work In The Format Of My Show Is If The Band Were Crap. So If I Have A Band They'd Have To Really Suck.

I'm Hooked On Email. That's Right, Kids, I'm One Of You.

The Idea Of Having Australians Upset At Me Is Just Awful.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

I Freely Admit I'm Confused. I'm A Confused And Troubled Individual But At The Same Time...its Free!

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

The Nation Of Iran Is Threatening To Sue The Makers Of The Movie Argo. They Say The Movie Was An Unrealistic Portrayal Of Their Country. You Can't Do That! That Would Be Like Scotland Suing Over The Movie Shrek.

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

I Always Appreciated My Teachers. When I Was 16, I Gave Them The Greatest Gift I Could Think Of. I Dropped Out Of School.

Sober Alkies Are Often Asked: "when Did You Hit Rock Bottom?" But A More Informed Question Might Be: "how Many Times Did You Hit Rock Bottom?

I Don't Think Of Myself Of A Late-show Host Any More Than I Think Of Myself Of A Game-show Host. I Mean, I've Done Both, I've Been An Actor. I'm Just Kind Of A Carny, That's It.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

Former President George W. Bush Released His New Memoir. By The Way, 'memoir' Is Just A Fancy Word For 'a Bunch Of Stuff That Happened To Me.

Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

Equestrian And Sailing Are Sports For People Growing Up On The Mean Streets Of Connecticut.

The Queen Banishes Snow White Because Of Her Beauty. But The Dwarves Help Snow White Because They're Smitten By That Very Beauty. It Teaches Kids An Important Lesson: Nothing Matters Except For Your Looks.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

I Used To Love Going Fishing. I Think It Was Really About The Clothes. Nothing Says Real Man Like A Vest With 38 Pockets And A Mesh Hat With Hooks In It.

Gas Prices - It Is $6 A Gallon Here. People In L.a. Are Furious. You Can't Tell, Of Course, Because Of The Botox.

The Most Popular Valentine's Day Gift Is Chocolate. In The 1800's, Doctors Told Their Patients To Eat Chocolate To Get Over A Broken Heart. They Also Thought If You're Going To Be Alone, Who Cares If You Get Fat.

When You Need To Borrow Money The Mob Seems Like A Better Deal I Think. 'you Don't Pay Me Back I Break Both Yer Legs.' Is That All? You Won't Take My House Or Wreck My Credit Rating? Fine Where Do I Sign. Legs? Fine. You Don't Even Have To Sign Anything.

Late Night Is No Different Than Making A Film, Really, Except That It's Faster, And If You Do A Crap One, You Can Do A Better One Tomorrow. Writing A Novel And Doing Stand-up - That Stuff Is Very Similar.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said Recently, 'no One Wants This Thing Over More Than I Do. I'd Like My Life Back.' Tony, I'm So Sorry You Had Your Summer Disrupted. I'd Buy You A Drink, But You'd Probably Spill That Too And Make Me Clean It Up.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

That's Why Credit Card Companies Are Evil. Are They Sponsoring The Show Tonight? ... They Are Evil.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

Today Monopoly Added A New Game Piece: The Cat. The New Piece Was Chosen After Weeks Of Online Voting. Is That A Surprise? Whenever There's A Vote For Something On The Internet, The Cat Always Wins.

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

I Think That Everything Looks A Little Scarier At Night, When The Sun Goes Down. And I Know I Kind Of Want A Sense Of Reassurance Or A Community. Late-night Shows Is A Rare Place Because That's What We Do. Increasingly, I Felt Like I Didn't Want To Be That Guy. I Didn't Want To Do That. It Wasn't The Only Reason That I Stopped Doing It, But It Was A Consideration - I Didn't Know How To Process Tragedy After Tragedy And Then ... It Just Got Too Much, I Think.

The Devil Is Not Abroad At Night In The Form Of A Cat Or A Wolf Or Any Other Animal. He Lives Eternally In The Hearts Of Men.

Halloween's Eve Is Also Known As Mischief Night. Kids Are Supposed Go Around Playing Pranks Tonight. That's Great, Just What Teenagers Need -- Another Excuse To Be Jerks.

Lance Armstrong Admitted He Used Performance-enhancing Drugs Throughout His Career. He Confessed In Front Of The Most Respected Judge In The Land, Oprah Winfrey.

I Just Do My Thing And Try Each Show To Be More Honest About Why I Am And Who I Am. It's Quite Tricky And Actually Nerve-racking To Do That. It's Kind Of A Happy Train Wreck.

The Bible Has Been Through At Least Half A Dozen Translations By The Time You Read It. Plus, When The Word Of God Is Infected By The Hand Of Man, That Is, Written Down, It Is Tainted.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

Is It Really That Important? It's Just Television, For God's Sake. It's Not Medicine Or Something.

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