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You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

-Craig Ferguson

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You Know When You're

Craig Ferguson

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You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

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Congratulations

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I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

I Think Comedy Comes More From A Low Sense Of Self-esteem, And I Certainly Have That.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

Some People Take The Spelling Bee Very Seriously. These People Are Called "parents Of Children In The Spelling Bee." They're Trying To Make Up For Their Own Childhood Of Crushed Dreams And Misspelled Words.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

The Virus In The Movie 'contagion' Is Based On The Bird Flu Which Came Out Of Nowhere Back In 2008. Everyone Thought It Was Going To Change The Way We Live And It Just Faded Away. Wait A Minute, I'm Talking About President Obama.

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.

Ros Was Dead. He Had Loved Heroin More Than It Loved Him. I Was Shocked Beyond Imagining; He Was The First Of My Friends To Fall.

The Most Popular Valentine's Day Gift Is Chocolate. In The 1800's, Doctors Told Their Patients To Eat Chocolate To Get Over A Broken Heart. They Also Thought If You're Going To Be Alone, Who Cares If You Get Fat.

A Casino In South Dakota Was Robbed By A Man Dressed As A Mummy. The Police Described The Suspect As Anywhere Between 25 And 8,000 Years Old.

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