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For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

-Craig Ferguson

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For Me, Comedy Should

Craig Ferguson

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For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

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Gas Prices - It Is $6 A Gallon Here. People In L.a. Are Furious. You Can't Tell, Of Course, Because Of The Botox.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

Here In California, We Passed A Law Against Texting While Driving. But There's No Law Preventing You From Writing A Letter While Driving.

Apple Released The Upgraded Version Of The Iphone 4, Called The Iphone 4s. I Think The S Stands For Suckers.

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

In Washington, The U.s. House Passed A Bill Unanimously. Every Single Member Of Both Parties Voted For It. What Was It? To Deny Social Security Benefits To Nazis. So From Now On, No Ss For The Ss.

There Is A New Survey Out About The Happiest Professions. I Think The Whole Premise Is Flawed. You're Supposed To Find True Happiness Outside Of Work. From Friends, Family, And Youtube Videos Of Old People Falling Down.

I Wanted To Be A Rock Star.

Mark Zuckerberg Was Named Time's Person Of The Year. I'm Sorry If You Don't Recognize The Name. A Magazine Is Something People Used To Read.

At Cbs, I’m In Your House. I’m Mindful Of That. When I Do Standup, You’re In My Home And I Can Say What I Want To.

People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

The Meeting With Prince William Took Place At The White House Because Prince William Wanted To See Where The President Spent His Days, But The Golf Course Was Covered In Snow.

I Do A Show. It Comes On Late At Night On Tv. And If That Means I'm A Late-night Talk Show Host, Then I Guess I Am, But In Every Other Regard I Resign My Commission, I Don't Care For It.

A New Study Says By 2030 Household Robots Will Dominate Every Phase Of Our Lives. The Study Says The No. 1 Field For Robot Growth Is Medicine. That Makes Sense. Robots Already Perform Well In Surgery. That Is, Until There Is A Power Outage. Then It's Just A Coat Rack Leaning Over You As You Bleed To Death.

I Just Do My Thing And Try Each Show To Be More Honest About Why I Am And Who I Am. It's Quite Tricky And Actually Nerve-racking To Do That. It's Kind Of A Happy Train Wreck.

Climate Change Is A Serious Problem. We All Need To Do What We Can. Unless That Means I've Got To Change Stuff. Then I'm Not Doing It.

That's Here On Cbs, Where The 'c' Stands For 'classy' And The 'bs' Speaks For Itself.

Thanks Cows. I Appreciate Your Tastiness.

For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

I Have A Deep And Profound Mistrust Of All Politicians.

I Don't Like My Politicians Entertaining Me And I Don't Like My Entertainers Politicianing Me.

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

Cannabis Always Made Me Paranoid; I Felt Like People Were Watching Me. And Now I'm Sober, And I've Got This Talk Show In The Middle Of The Night On Cbs, And I Now Know That No One Is Watching Me.

I Don't Like The Whole Blowing The Candles Out Ritual... Blowing Their Germs All Over The Cake. If I Want To Catch Something On My Birthday. I Don't Want It To Be From The Cake. If You Know What I'm Saying.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

I Don't Think Of Myself Of A Late-show Host Any More Than I Think Of Myself Of A Game-show Host. I Mean, I've Done Both, I've Been An Actor. I'm Just Kind Of A Carny, That's It.

....maybe Fear Is God's Way Of Saying, "pay Attention, This Could Be Fun.

Laughter Separates Us From Despair And Gives Us A Chance At Love.

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

Oh Satan You're A Wily One.

Love At First Sight Is Not Rare, In Fact It Is Extremely Common, It Happens To Some People A Few Times A Year. The Feeling Of What If When Meeting The Eyes Of A Stranger Can Be Love Unrecognized.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

For The First Time In History, Congress Has 100 Women In It. Congratulations. Welcome To Modern Times, America. It's Great Having 100 Women In Congress. Unless You're In Line For The Congressional Bathroom.

Congratulations

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

Donald Trump Showed His Birth Certificate To Reporters. Who Cares About His Birth Certificate? I Want To Know If That Thing On His Head Has Had Its Vaccinations.

Hd Doesn't Mean Anything To Me. It's A Technical Thing. It's Like Demographics. A Lot Of People Know About It.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving.

I Used To Believe, Like Many People Who Come From Poor Backgrounds, That It Gave Me An Edge, But I Think That's Just Something We Have To Tell Ourselves To Get By Sometimes. I Don't Believe That Anymore. Children Of Privilege Can Be Just As Talented And Clever As Anybody Else.

Every Day I Ran To That Book Like It Was A Bottle Of Whiskey And Crawled Inside Because It Was A World That I Had At Least Some Control Over, And Slowly, In Time, It Began To Take Shape.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

A New York City Judge Struck Down A Proposed Law To Ban Sodas Larger Than 16 Ounces. I Think Mayor Bloomberg Should Spend His Time Trying To Improve Stuff Like Education. New York Needs A Better Education System If Kids Didn't Figure Out They Could Get Around The 16-ounce Soda Ban By Simply Purchasing Two 12-ounce Sodas.

I'm Careful With Money.

Al Qaeda Has Declared War On The Somali Pirates. That Is Awesome! Evil Against Evil. Like Alien Versus Predator Or Cheney Versus His Lawyer.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

There's Something Spiritual In Hard Work. Spirituality Isn't All Aromatherapy And Scented Candles.

I Remember Talking To Someone Early On After I Was Sober About How I Suddenly Felt Awkward At Parties. They Said, 'well, You're Supposed To. Everyone Feels Awkward At Parties.' It's An Appropriate Feeling To Feel.

Clay Aiken Ran For Congress In North Carolina. But He Didn't Make It. Clay Aiken Is Famous For Coming In Second In A Tv Popularity Contest That Most People Got Fed Up With Years Ago. He Also Lost On 'american Idol.'

It Seemed That I Performed Better Sober Than Drunk. Who Knew?

Democrats Are Calling Christine O'donnell 'the Sarah Palin Of The East.' Really? She's A Loud, Emotionally Unstable Woman From Delaware. That's Not Sarah Palin, That's Joe Biden.

I Think Commercialism Helps Christmas And I Think That The More Capitalism We Can Inject Into The Christmas Holiday The More Spiritual I Feel About It

Strange Star-like Object Over Oslo Right Before Obama Arrives. A Gift Of A Golden Medal Given By A Group Of Wise Men... Nah.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

I Think People Are As Individual As Snowflakes, They Kinda Look Alike But No Two Are The Exactly The Same, And All Classification Is The Root Of Prejudice.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

Director Oliver Stone Says He's Going To Make A Movie About Vladimir Putin. I Can't Believe Anyone Would Want To Work With That Insane Communist. And Putin Is A Little Crazy As Well.

Ros Was Dead. He Had Loved Heroin More Than It Loved Him. I Was Shocked Beyond Imagining; He Was The First Of My Friends To Fall.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

A Dozen Swimming Events Have Already Been Completed In The Olympic Competition. I Wonder Where They Got The Name 'speedo.' It Doesn't Sound Like A Bathing Suit, It Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal For Meth Addicts.

From 1934 To 1963, The Biggest Criminals In America Ended Up On Alcatraz. Nowadays They End Up On Wall Street.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

Even Though It's Warm Here In L.a., People Still Have To Wear Layers - At Least Until Their Plastic Surgery Heals.

It's Tricky Turning A Book Into A Movie. Sometimes People Love The Book So Much That No Adaptation Lives Up To What They Imagined. You Can Avoid That Disappointment By Never, Ever Reading Books.

Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Hero Or Who You Choose To Deify, Be It Clay Aiken Or Barack Obama. You Put All You're Hope And All Your Dreams And All Your Ideas About Stuff Into One Human Being. They're A Human Being They're Going To Let You Down. You Can't Make Someone Your Hero Because Of Something You Read On The Internet. The Internet Is Not A Source Of Information It Is A Source Of Disinformation.

A Junkie Will Steal Your Purse, And Then Help You Look For It.

I'm A Vulgar Lounge Entertainer, I Don't Need To Wear A Tie.

Another One Of President Barack Obama's Nominees Is Having Tax Issues, Which Proves One Thing: The Democrats Like Raising The Taxes, But They Hate Paying Them.

Jeb Bush Announced Today On The Internet That He May Run For President. The Next Presidential Election Could Be Bush Vs. Clinton. It Will Be Like 1992 All Over Again Except I Won't Be In Rehab.

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

Nothing Says Romance Like Hobos, Martyrs And Decapitations.

Here In Los Angeles, School's Out For Summer. For Thousands Of School Kids, This Is The First Week Of Summer Vacation. And For Thousands Of Parents, It's The First Week Of Hell.

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

You Clap. The Censor Wakes Up. We All Get Into Trouble.

On That Same Tour We Ran Into A Band At Aylesbury Friars, A Biggish Venue In Oxfordshire, England. They Were A Four-piece From Ireland Called U2. They Seemed Like Nice Fellows And They Sounded Pretty Good, But We Didn’t Keep In Touch. They’re Probably Taxi Drivers And Accountants By Now.

I Can't Wait To See The Debate Between Ryan And Joe Biden. Biden Is Said To Be Already Trying Out Different Strategies. So Far The One That Obama Likes Is Where Biden Pretends To Have Food Poisoning And They Cancel The Debate.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. If You Don't Know What That Means, Maybe You're A Little Out Of Touch - Or Maybe You're The Governor Of Arizona.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

Oprah's Quitting In 2011. Now We Know Why The Mayans Ended Their Calendar In 2012

I Don't See My Show As A Stepping Stone To Something Else Like Some People, Who Get A Job Then Have A Foot Out The Door Looking For Their Next Job.

Whether I Or Anyone Else Accepted The Concept Of Alcoholism As A Disease Didn't Matter; What Mattered Was That When Treated As A Disease, Those Who Suffered From It Were Most Likely To Recover.

North Korea Announced That They Have Nuclear Weapons And They Have No Plans To Give Them Up. The White House, Acting Quickly, Announced Their Plan To Invade Iran.

President Obama Said That We Rely Too Much On Gadgets. He Gave A Passionate Speech About Technology, But He Had To Stop When The Teleprompter Broke.

A Lot Of The U.s. Used To Be Part Of Mexico, Including Arizona. But They're A Bit Touchy About That Right Now.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

Being The Executive Producer Of A Film Is Not That Difficult. It Just Means That You Have Some Power. There's Not A Huge Amount Of Skill Involved, I Don't Know How Much I'm Giving Away Here. I Feel Like That Guy On Fox, Giving Away The Magicians' Tricks. It's Not Rocket Science, Being An Executive Producer Of A Film.

Time Is Only Linear For Engineers And Referees.

The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

Cbs Announced They're Canceling As The World Turns. Don't Worry Though, If You're Addicted To The Twisted Plots, The Intrigue, The Illicit Sex, You Can Still Watch Golf.

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

That's The Thing About Terrorism - It Works. Especially For The Terrorists - They Might Not Get What They Want But It Feels Damn Good Trying.

Being An American Is Something I Wanted To Be For A Very Long Time, Probably Since I Saw The Moon Landing When I Was A Child.

There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

Well, Everyone, Welcome To Shark Week. Oh That's On Cbs And There's Been A Lot Of Cutbacks, So It's Just Friday Night For A Couple Of Minutes. And We Don't Have Any Sharks, Just An Immigrant With A Puppet. Hey, But It's A Start!

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

By The Power Of Steven Wright's Beard!

Now, I Know Obama Was Trying To Take The Long View, But Talking About Solar Energy In The Middle Of The Oil Spill Is Like Watching Your House Engulfed In Flames And Saying, 'we Really Should Change The Curtains.'

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

Don't Protest Outside Of A Rich Man's House In The Daytime, You'll Just Scare The Maid, And That's Arnold Schwarzenegger's Job.

Lance Armstrong Admitted He Used Performance-enhancing Drugs Throughout His Career. He Confessed In Front Of The Most Respected Judge In The Land, Oprah Winfrey.

When In Doubt About Who's To Blame. Blame The English.

Some People Take The Spelling Bee Very Seriously. These People Are Called "parents Of Children In The Spelling Bee." They're Trying To Make Up For Their Own Childhood Of Crushed Dreams And Misspelled Words.

You Should Never Protest Outside A Rich Guy's Home During The Day Because He's Not There. He's At Work Grinding The Faces Of The Poor.

I've Started Looking At My Own Father A Bit Funny. He Assures Me, Though, That I Really Am The Son Of A Scottish Postman.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

Being Funny Is A Gift, And, When Done Well, Is An Art Form.

I Love Zombies. If Any Monster Could Riverdance, It Would Be Zombies.

My Son's Always Showing Me Pictures Of Dinosaurs And Asking Me What Their Names Are. I Dont Know So I Make Stuff Up: That Son Is A Thesaurus.

It 's The Time Of Year When Canadians Mate.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

I Salute Rick Perry For The Way He's Trying To Overcome This. Today He Came Out And Said He's Not One Of Those Slick Politicians, That This Just Shows His Human Side, And Some Third Excuse He Can't Remember.

In The 1970s Vampires Were Pretty Boring. The Scariest Vampire Was Count Chocula. One Bite Of Count Chocula And You Were Cursed With Type 2 Diabetes.

Type 2 Diabetes

I Love The United States. I Have Applied For Citizenship. I Want To Take The Oath Of Allegiance On Tv.

I Think I'm Just Someone That Just Tries To Get By. I'm Kind Of - If It Was During The Second World War, I'd Be A Black Marketeer, I Think.

Don't Ever Rope Me In As A Late-night Talk Show Host. I Don't Want To Be One.

Other Than The Laws Of Physics, Rules Have Never Really Worked Out For Me.

Laws Of Physics

I Freely Admit I'm Confused. I'm A Confused And Troubled Individual But At The Same Time...its Free!

When You Need To Borrow Money The Mob Seems Like A Better Deal I Think. 'you Don't Pay Me Back I Break Both Yer Legs.' Is That All? You Won't Take My House Or Wreck My Credit Rating? Fine Where Do I Sign. Legs? Fine. You Don't Even Have To Sign Anything.

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

This Story Is True. Of Course, There Are Many Lies Therein And Most Of It Did Not Happen, But It's All True. In That Sense It Is Deeply Religious, Perhaps Even Biblical.

I Am The Saudi Arabia Of Unhappiness. I Have So Many Reserves Of Misery That You Wouldn't Understand. I Actually Think That's Part Of Why I Connect With Canadians. I Think They Understand Grinding Misery Underneath.

Osama Bin Laden's Death Has Been In The News All Day. Leftish Stations Are Going, 'president Obama Saves The World.' Stations On The Right Are Going, 'obama Kills Fellow Muslim.'

Rush Limbaugh Says If The Health Care Bill Passes, He Will Leave The Country. The Democrats Are Upset, Because If They Knew That, They Would Have Passed The Bill Years Ago.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

Every Year Law Schools Churn Out Thousands Of Lawyers. We Don't Need Any More Lawyers. We Need More Lawyers Like We Need More Talk-show Hosts.

I Think Holidays Create So Much Pressure Because People Feel They Should Be Having A Good Time. But You Shouldn't.

Aphrodisiacs Come In Many Forms: Food, Drink, The Internet.

Santa Blows All These Shipping Companies Away. He Delivers More Than 2 Billion Packages In Just 24 Hours. He Does It By Sleigh. He Doesn't Use Tracking Numbers And Doesn't Use Trucks. He Just Uses Midgets And A Giant Bag.

What We Do Have Is Nothin' But Time. Welcome To The Shawshank Redemption Of Late Night!

You Know, Your Whole Life You're Concerned About Money For This And That. And Then You Don't Have To Worry About It, So You Worry About Other Stuff.

Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

The Smurfs 2 Is A Great Movie. The Smurfs Are Tiny Little Creatures That Everybody Loves. They're Like Justin Bieber - Minus The Part About Everybody Loving Him.

A Casino In South Dakota Was Robbed By A Man Dressed As A Mummy. The Police Described The Suspect As Anywhere Between 25 And 8,000 Years Old.

I Got Sober. I Stopped Killing Myself With Alcohol. I Began To Think: 'wait A Minute - If I Can Stop Doing This, What Are The Possibilities?' And Slowly It Dawned On Me That It Was Maybe Worth The Risk.

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

Is It Really That Important? It's Just Television, For God's Sake. It's Not Medicine Or Something.

According To A New Study, Hawaii Is The Happiest Place In America To Live. And I Thought It Was Just A Great Place To Pretend You Were Born In.

I Became A Terrible Drunk Or Alcoholic - Or A Good One Depending On Your Point Of View.

Much Of Television Has Been Homogenized In The Desire To Avoid Annoying Or Upsetting People.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

Fraser's Mother, Janice, Was Actually Quite A Happy Soul But She Had To Hide It Because, Like All Pseudo Intellectuals, She Thought Being Cheery Made Her Look Stupid, Which Of Course She Was For Believing That Rubbish In The First Place. She Like To Talk About Sartre Sometimes, Just As Insurance.

Former President Bill Clinton Was Elected On This Very Day In 1992. Clinton Went On To Leave Quite A Mark In The Oval Office... You Mean The One On The Sofa?

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

That's Why I Believe In A Constitution Which Separates Church From State. I've Seen What Happens When They Get In Cahoots.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

The Universe Is Very, Very Big.

The Sexy Magazine In Britain In That Time Was Called Club International. Club International: It Was About As International As The International House Of Pancakes. It Should Have Been Called Naked Cockney Girls With Scurvy.

Scientists Say Over The Next Hundred Years, The Coast Of California Will Sink Almost Five Feet. So The Presidential Candidates Need To Do Something. Mitt Romney Is Conflicted. On One Hand, He Denies That Global Warming Exists. But If California Is Under Water, He Would Definitely Win The Next Election.

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

I Dont Know How To Add Things To My Own Wikipedia Page.

Pies Were Invented 12,000 Years Ago By The Egyptians. It Was An Easy Way To Preserve Food That Would Be Carried Over Long Distances. They Were Like Ancient Slim Jims.

Pseudoscience Describes Theories That Sound Like Science But Are Actually Just Made Up, Like Aromatherapy Or Biorhythms Or Love.

It May Be That The Fear Contains Information. Something Can Be Interesting If You Get To The Other Side Of That Fear.

I Think Comedy Comes More From A Low Sense Of Self-esteem, And I Certainly Have That.

Being Guilty Tends To Engender Feelings Of Guilt.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

I Aim To Please. I'm Nothing If Not A Vaudevillian.

I Have To Do A Show Which Is Of Interest To Me, Or Else I'm Lost.

It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

Technically My Dog's Naked Most Of The Time. Except Halloween, When I Dress Him Up As Liza Minelli.

If I Have A Near-beer, I’m Near Beer. And If I’m Near Beer, I’m Close To Tequila. And If I’m Close To Tequila, I’m Adjacent To Cocaine.

I'm Gonna Enjoy Being Old I Think I'll Be Awesome At It.

I Do Love America. And La Is A Very Short Commute To America Its Like Half An Hour On The Plane.

I'm Reading A Book, Because I'm Brainy. No, It Is A Book - If You Don't Know, It Is Like A Blog Except Bigger.

If A Man Doesn't Know How To Dance He Doesn't Know How To Make Love, There I Said It!

Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often.

Bush's Memoir Is 512 Pages. To Be Fair, 200 Of Those Pages Are Just Games And Puzzles.

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

I Think When You Become A Parent You Go From Being A Star In The Movie Of Your Own Life To The Supporting Player In The Movie Of Someone Else's.

Stoners Just Got A Powerful New Ally In The Fight To Legalize Marijuana - Conservative Broadcaster Pat Robertson. He Said It's Time To 'you Know, Legalize It, Tax It, And Keep It Away From Mel Gibson.'

I Found Out It Is Just As Hard To Make A Movie That You Are Not Proud Of As It Is To Make One You Love.

I Did Have A Love For Literature That Overpowered My Hatred Of The People Who Taught It, And I Think Because I Had No Respect For The Teachers, Their Attitude Didn't Poison The Writing That I Was Discovering For Myself.

My Mother Was Tickled And I Think Kind Of Proud When My Father Got Hit On My An Attractive Middle-aged Asian Lady Who Hadn't Noticed He Was With His Family. He Was Certainly Pleased About It.

I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

The Most Popular Valentine's Day Gift Is Chocolate. In The 1800's, Doctors Told Their Patients To Eat Chocolate To Get Over A Broken Heart. They Also Thought If You're Going To Be Alone, Who Cares If You Get Fat.

Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

I'm Not So Much A Dragon Slayer, More A Dragon Annoyer -- I'm A Dragon Irritater.

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