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I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

-Craig Ferguson

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I'm So Excited About

Craig Ferguson

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I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

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I Found Out It Is Just As Hard To Make A Movie That You Are Not Proud Of As It Is To Make One You Love.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

I Have A Deep And Profound Mistrust Of All Politicians.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

North Korea Announced That They Have Nuclear Weapons And They Have No Plans To Give Them Up. The White House, Acting Quickly, Announced Their Plan To Invade Iran.

People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

My Father Had A Very Unusual Psychic Ability, He Could Detect Water. It's Called Divining. He Would Use A Y-shaped U-branch, And He Could Find Water With That, Which Is A Very Impressive Skill In A Country Where It Rains 365 Days Of The Year.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

I Don't Like The Whole Blowing The Candles Out Ritual... Blowing Their Germs All Over The Cake. If I Want To Catch Something On My Birthday. I Don't Want It To Be From The Cake. If You Know What I'm Saying.

Climate Change Is A Serious Problem. We All Need To Do What We Can. Unless That Means I've Got To Change Stuff. Then I'm Not Doing It.

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

What We Do Have Is Nothin' But Time. Welcome To The Shawshank Redemption Of Late Night!

Delaware Senate Candidate Christine O'donnell Said Recently That Hollywood Needs To Re-evaluate What They're Doing Because Movies These Days Are All Filled With Gay Sex And Extramarital Affairs. And I Thought, 'have Fun In Congress Then.

It's All About The Triumph Of Intellect And Romance Over Brute Force And Cynicism.

I Have A Beard. Just Not On My Face.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Valentine's Day Is Celebrated A Little Differently Here In L.a. Nobody Eats Chocolate Because Of The Calories, So People Give Each Other Tofu-shaped Boxes Filled With Bean Curd. Then They Fantasize About What Their Pilates Instructor Would Be Like If He Was Straight.

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

Don't Hit Women. Never, Ever, Ever.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

Well, Everyone, Welcome To Shark Week. Oh That's On Cbs And There's Been A Lot Of Cutbacks, So It's Just Friday Night For A Couple Of Minutes. And We Don't Have Any Sharks, Just An Immigrant With A Puppet. Hey, But It's A Start!

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

School Did Give Me One Of The Greatest Gifts Of My Life, Though. I Learned How To Read, And For That I Remain Thankful. I Would Have Died Otherwise. As Soon As I Was Able, I Read, Alone. Under The Covers With A Flashlight Or In My Corner Of The Attic—i Sought Solace In Books. It Was From Books That I Started To Get An Inkling Of The Kinds Of Assholes I Was Dealing With. I Found Allies Too, In Books, Characters My Age Who Were Going Through Or Had Triumphed Against The Same Bullshit.

Ros Was Dead. He Had Loved Heroin More Than It Loved Him. I Was Shocked Beyond Imagining; He Was The First Of My Friends To Fall.

By The Power Of Steven Wright's Beard!

I'm Careful With Money.

These Days, Teachers Have It Rough. Kids Can Be Hyperactive, Disobedient, And Obnoxious. It Must Feel Like Being Locked In A Room Of Drunk Midgets.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

Allowances Can Always Be Made For Your Friends To Disagree With You. Disagreement, Vehement Disagreement, Is Healthy. Debate Is Impossible Without It. Evil Does Not Question Itself, Only Hope Questions Itself. Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often. Like When A Bumblebee Flies Or An Ancient Regime Is Toppled.

Thanks Cows. I Appreciate Your Tastiness.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

Other Than The Laws Of Physics, Rules Have Never Really Worked Out For Me.

Laws Of Physics

Former President George W. Bush Released His New Memoir. By The Way, 'memoir' Is Just A Fancy Word For 'a Bunch Of Stuff That Happened To Me.

The Nation Of Iran Is Threatening To Sue The Makers Of The Movie Argo. They Say The Movie Was An Unrealistic Portrayal Of Their Country. You Can't Do That! That Would Be Like Scotland Suing Over The Movie Shrek.

Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

I Don't Know Now If I'm Funny. I Just Keep Talking And Hope That I Hit Something That's Funny.

I Knew That I Had Been Partially Right In The Storeroom Above The Bar On Christmas Day. Whoever I Had Become Had To Die.

This Is My First Week As An American Citizen. It's Amazing. Now I Can Vote In The General Election - And For American Idol.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

In Los Angeles On Black Friday, A Woman Pepper Sprayed Wal-mart Shoppers Who Tried To Cut In Line. The Police Acted Fast By Immediately Hiring Her To Get Rid Of Peaceful Protesters Outside Banking Institutions All Across The United States.

Gas Prices - It Is $6 A Gallon Here. People In L.a. Are Furious. You Can't Tell, Of Course, Because Of The Botox.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

Every Year There's A Jury At The Cannes Film Festival. Getting On The Jury Is Very Competitive In France. Not Because The French Love Cinema, But Because They Love To Judge.

Cannes Film Festival

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

I Think I'm Just Someone That Just Tries To Get By. I'm Kind Of - If It Was During The Second World War, I'd Be A Black Marketeer, I Think.

I Love The United States. I Have Applied For Citizenship. I Want To Take The Oath Of Allegiance On Tv.

The Term Big Brother Is From George Orwell's Book 1984 - Where Everyone's Watched Over By A Network Of Cameras Called Big Brother. I've Never Understood Why Orwell Chose That Phrase For Somebody Watching You All The Time. Isn't That More Like Creepy Uncle?

Even A Chameleon Needs The Proper Amount Of Suction.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

There's Something I Believe Wholeheartedly: Cynicism Is The True Refuge Of The Pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism Is Easy. Joy Is An Extremely Advanced Spiritual And Intellectual Tenet.

I Think That Everything Looks A Little Scarier At Night, When The Sun Goes Down. And I Know I Kind Of Want A Sense Of Reassurance Or A Community. Late-night Shows Is A Rare Place Because That's What We Do. Increasingly, I Felt Like I Didn't Want To Be That Guy. I Didn't Want To Do That. It Wasn't The Only Reason That I Stopped Doing It, But It Was A Consideration - I Didn't Know How To Process Tragedy After Tragedy And Then ... It Just Got Too Much, I Think.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

President Obama Announced His Re-election Campaign, Though It’s Not Really A Surprise. He Did All The Things That Make It Official: He Filed The Paperwork, Redesigned His Website, And Printed Another Fake Birth Certificate.

Oprah's Quitting In 2011. Now We Know Why The Mayans Ended Their Calendar In 2012

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

According To A New Study, Hawaii Is The Happiest Place In America To Live. And I Thought It Was Just A Great Place To Pretend You Were Born In.

This Book Could Scare Them. The Sex, The Violence, The Dream Sequences And The Iconoclasm - I Think A Lot Of People Are Uncomfortable With That. I Understand That. It Was Very Uncomfortable To Write Some Of It

Welcome Back, My Cheeky Wee Monkeys.

The Only Thing That I Would Say To Anyone Doing Late Night Shows Is - It Took Me A Couple Years Then - But When You Leave The Studio, It's Over. That's What You Really Have To Do. After A Long Time, I Would Be Like, "maybe I Shouldn't Have Said This," Or "maybe I Shouldn't Have Shown This." But Eventually, I Got To, "ah, F - K It." That's What It Was That Night, Tomorrow's The Next Night.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

You Can Never Talk Religion On Network Tv. It Makes Too Many People Angry. You Can Talk About Sex.

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

I Always Wanted To Make Motion Pictures, Ever Since I Was A Wee Boy, And I Was 32, And Time Was Marching On. I Met A Guy Who Said, 'come Out To Hollywood For 10 Days, And I'll Get You A Deal.' So I Figured, 'ok, 10 Days.' On The 10th Day, He Got Me A Development Deal With Disney, Not For A Lot Of Money, But It Allowed Me To Make The Move.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

It's Tricky Turning A Book Into A Movie. Sometimes People Love The Book So Much That No Adaptation Lives Up To What They Imagined. You Can Avoid That Disappointment By Never, Ever Reading Books.

It's A Great Day For Sarah Palin. She Was Hired As A Commentator For Fox News. She Signed A Multi-year Contract, Which Means She'll Probably Quit After A Year.

They Were Singing, Gillette, The Best A Man Can Get, With A Lot Of Guys Hugging Their Fathers And Sailing And Riding Bikes. I Suddenly Felt A Long Way From The Best A Man Could Get And I Thought It Would Be Nice To Get From There To The Best.

I Was 15 Years Old When I Was In This Band; We Were Called Stag. We Used To Wear Spandex Pants And No Underwear - We Looked Like Marbles Smugglers.

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

The Devil Is Not Abroad At Night In The Form Of A Cat Or A Wolf Or Any Other Animal. He Lives Eternally In The Hearts Of Men.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

These Days, Young People Watch Tv On Smartphones And Computers. Young People With An Actual Tv Set Are Harder To Find Than A Picture Of Anthony Weiner With His Clothes On.

The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

I Think We Look Back At Times Past With Fondness Because We Were Younger. Life Had Not Yet Begun Pecking Away At Our Innocence Like Buzzards On Fresh Road Kill.

I Think When You Become A Parent You Go From Being A Star In The Movie Of Your Own Life To The Supporting Player In The Movie Of Someone Else's.

My Mother Was Tickled And I Think Kind Of Proud When My Father Got Hit On My An Attractive Middle-aged Asian Lady Who Hadn't Noticed He Was With His Family. He Was Certainly Pleased About It.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

The Bible Has Been Through At Least Half A Dozen Translations By The Time You Read It. Plus, When The Word Of God Is Infected By The Hand Of Man, That Is, Written Down, It Is Tainted.

A Number Of U.s. Colleges Are Going To Start Having Dorms For Alcoholics. I Believe Those Are Called Dorms.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said Recently, 'no One Wants This Thing Over More Than I Do. I'd Like My Life Back.' Tony, I'm So Sorry You Had Your Summer Disrupted. I'd Buy You A Drink, But You'd Probably Spill That Too And Make Me Clean It Up.

Nothing Says Romance Like Hobos, Martyrs And Decapitations.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Look, There Is Nothing You Can Say About This Show That I Don't Already Know

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

That's The Thing About Terrorism - It Works. Especially For The Terrorists - They Might Not Get What They Want But It Feels Damn Good Trying.

I Think Holidays Create So Much Pressure Because People Feel They Should Be Having A Good Time. But You Shouldn't.

It's Very Interesting To Know What People Are Doing While You're Working On Late-night Television.

I've Been Running My Whole Life. Running Into Bars, Running Around The World. But When You Have A Child, You Can't Run. That Was A Revelation.

I Realize That I Am Not A Journalist. So Anything I Say Is Not Important.

It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

You Know, Your Whole Life You're Concerned About Money For This And That. And Then You Don't Have To Worry About It, So You Worry About Other Stuff.

Today Monopoly Added A New Game Piece: The Cat. The New Piece Was Chosen After Weeks Of Online Voting. Is That A Surprise? Whenever There's A Vote For Something On The Internet, The Cat Always Wins.

I'm Gonna Enjoy Being Old I Think I'll Be Awesome At It.

If You Watch Cooking Shows On Cable, They Have Lots Of British People. Because When You Think Good Cooking, You Immediately Think Britain.

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

I Am The Saudi Arabia Of Unhappiness. I Have So Many Reserves Of Misery That You Wouldn't Understand. I Actually Think That's Part Of Why I Connect With Canadians. I Think They Understand Grinding Misery Underneath.

It Seemed That I Performed Better Sober Than Drunk. Who Knew?

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

Equestrian And Sailing Are Sports For People Growing Up On The Mean Streets Of Connecticut.

You Clap. The Censor Wakes Up. We All Get Into Trouble.

So Far Rich People Have Been Very Quiet About The Possibility Of Getting Taxes Raised On Them, But That Doesn't Mean They Won't Get Mad About It, It Just Means They Don't Know About It. Because It Takes A While For Bad News To Reach A Rich Person. First Their Accountant Has To Tell The Butler, Who Has To Tell The Servant, Who Wouldn't Dare Interrupt Their Game Of Croquet.

If You're Frightened Of Leprechauns, The Best Thing To Do Is To Get Yourself A Little Leprechaun Outfit And See How Big They Are. And Then You'll Go, 'well I See. That's Like Bein' Frightened Of A Hampster.'

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Hero Or Who You Choose To Deify, Be It Clay Aiken Or Barack Obama. You Put All You're Hope And All Your Dreams And All Your Ideas About Stuff Into One Human Being. They're A Human Being They're Going To Let You Down. You Can't Make Someone Your Hero Because Of Something You Read On The Internet. The Internet Is Not A Source Of Information It Is A Source Of Disinformation.

I Don't Just Like Sexual Double Entendres I Love Them, I Stroke Them, I Milk Them, I Spank Them When They're Naughty.

I Do Love America. And La Is A Very Short Commute To America Its Like Half An Hour On The Plane.

I Got Sober. I Stopped Killing Myself With Alcohol. I Began To Think: 'wait A Minute - If I Can Stop Doing This, What Are The Possibilities?' And Slowly It Dawned On Me That It Was Maybe Worth The Risk.

Laughter Separates Us From Despair And Gives Us A Chance At Love.

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

I Don't Like My Politicians Entertaining Me And I Don't Like My Entertainers Politicianing Me.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

A Junkie Will Steal Your Purse, And Then Help You Look For It.

The Virus In The Movie 'contagion' Is Based On The Bird Flu Which Came Out Of Nowhere Back In 2008. Everyone Thought It Was Going To Change The Way We Live And It Just Faded Away. Wait A Minute, I'm Talking About President Obama.

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

Mark Zuckerberg Was Named Time's Person Of The Year. I'm Sorry If You Don't Recognize The Name. A Magazine Is Something People Used To Read.

The Afghan Government Is As Corrupt As A Prostitute With A Law Degree.

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

The Smurfs 2 Is A Great Movie. The Smurfs Are Tiny Little Creatures That Everybody Loves. They're Like Justin Bieber - Minus The Part About Everybody Loving Him.

There Is A New Survey Out About The Happiest Professions. I Think The Whole Premise Is Flawed. You're Supposed To Find True Happiness Outside Of Work. From Friends, Family, And Youtube Videos Of Old People Falling Down.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

I Said That The Only Way I Could Have A Band That Would Work In The Format Of My Show Is If The Band Were Crap. So If I Have A Band They'd Have To Really Suck.

Pies Were Invented 12,000 Years Ago By The Egyptians. It Was An Easy Way To Preserve Food That Would Be Carried Over Long Distances. They Were Like Ancient Slim Jims.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. All The Food's In The Oven. And I'm In The Bedroom Performin' Self Lovin'.

Tomorrow Is Your Future's Yesterday.

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

In The Past I've Been Hard On The Vegans. I've Called Them Prius-driving Fascists, But Now I Am One Of Them. I Have Been Turned To The Dark Side.

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

Being Funny Is A Gift, And, When Done Well, Is An Art Form.

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

I'm A Terrible Interviewer. I'm Not A Journalist - Although I Have A Peabody Award - And I'm Not Really A Late-night Host. What I Am Is Honest.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

I Do A Show. It Comes On Late At Night On Tv. And If That Means I'm A Late-night Talk Show Host, Then I Guess I Am, But In Every Other Regard I Resign My Commission, I Don't Care For It.

I Don't See My Show As A Stepping Stone To Something Else Like Some People, Who Get A Job Then Have A Foot Out The Door Looking For Their Next Job.

114 Isn't As Old As It Used To Be They Say Its The New 104.

A New Survey Says One In Three Adults Will Be Dressing Up For Halloween. As For Me, I'm Not Going To Do Anything. I'm Going As Congress.

I Aim To Please. I'm Nothing If Not A Vaudevillian.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

We Do Have A Big Kind Of History In Literate Tradition Of Vikings And We Have A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland, I Mean Especially Up North Wherever You Go You See A Plastic Viking Sitting Outside A Shop And Viking Calendars And - Because They - You Know They Came Down And Stole All Our Chicks And Then Some Of Them Didn't Quite Get Back And Ended Up Settling Down Here. So There's A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland.

Halloween's Eve Is Also Known As Mischief Night. Kids Are Supposed Go Around Playing Pranks Tonight. That's Great, Just What Teenagers Need -- Another Excuse To Be Jerks.

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

Great, As Long As You're Happy

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde Is A Metaphor For Alcoholism. He Drinks A Potion, Becomes A Monster. I Know Exactly How He Feels.

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

I Think That Clearly It Has An Influence, To Be Coming Of Age During The Punk Rock Era, To Come From A Difficult And Sporadically Violent Background, To Have Been In And Out Of Such Chaos, I Think It Actually Helps. But I Don't Know For Sure.

A Dozen Swimming Events Have Already Been Completed In The Olympic Competition. I Wonder Where They Got The Name 'speedo.' It Doesn't Sound Like A Bathing Suit, It Sounds Like A Breakfast Cereal For Meth Addicts.

I Don't Know Why Some People Get Worked Up About Gay People Marrying. It's Not Gay People Who Are Ruining The Sanctity Of Marriage, It's Celebrities.

Sanctity Of Marriage

Saudia Arabia Takes In Half A Trillion Dollars Every Year In Oil Revenue, And The Country Has A Population Smaller Than New York State, But When Your System Of Government Is An Eleventh Century Monarchy, Someone's Going To End Up Poor, And It's Not Gonna Be The Guy Whose First Name Is King.

I Proved To My Own Satisfaction That I Am Madder Than I Think.

I Don't Think Of Myself Of A Late-show Host Any More Than I Think Of Myself Of A Game-show Host. I Mean, I've Done Both, I've Been An Actor. I'm Just Kind Of A Carny, That's It.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

I Think Comedy As An Art Involves The Audience As A Participant As Much As Is Involves The Artist.

I Became A Terrible Drunk Or Alcoholic - Or A Good One Depending On Your Point Of View.

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

Stoners Just Got A Powerful New Ally In The Fight To Legalize Marijuana - Conservative Broadcaster Pat Robertson. He Said It's Time To 'you Know, Legalize It, Tax It, And Keep It Away From Mel Gibson.'

Remember The Band, Flock Of Seagulls? They Had Their Van Stolen. I Was Like, They Still Have A Van?

All They Teach You In Drama School Is How To Do Stage Fights And Be A Pain In Rehearsals.

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

Rush Limbaugh Says If The Health Care Bill Passes, He Will Leave The Country. The Democrats Are Upset, Because If They Knew That, They Would Have Passed The Bill Years Ago.

In Washington, The U.s. House Passed A Bill Unanimously. Every Single Member Of Both Parties Voted For It. What Was It? To Deny Social Security Benefits To Nazis. So From Now On, No Ss For The Ss.

The Sexy Magazine In Britain In That Time Was Called Club International. Club International: It Was About As International As The International House Of Pancakes. It Should Have Been Called Naked Cockney Girls With Scurvy.

The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Former President Bill Clinton Was Elected On This Very Day In 1992. Clinton Went On To Leave Quite A Mark In The Oval Office... You Mean The One On The Sofa?

I Used To Love Going Fishing. I Think It Was Really About The Clothes. Nothing Says Real Man Like A Vest With 38 Pockets And A Mesh Hat With Hooks In It.

I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

I Wanted To Be A Rock Star.

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

The Whole Idea Of Re-releasing Old Movies Does Bother Me A Little Bit. If They're Going To Re-release An Old Movie, I Should Be Able To Get In With My Old Ticket.

Sometimes People Think You’re Smart If You Question The Status Quo, If Nothing Else.

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

I View My Own Body As A Petting Zoo. I Am The Main Attraction... And The Only Customer.

There's Just A Feeling You Get From Certain Things You Do In Life That Just Kind Of Feel Pure And Independent Of What's Actually, Physically, Going On.

Another One Of President Barack Obama's Nominees Is Having Tax Issues, Which Proves One Thing: The Democrats Like Raising The Taxes, But They Hate Paying Them.

Canada Is Not The Party. Its The Apartment Above The Party.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

It Takes A Long Time To Become A Lawyer Because You Need Three Things - A Bachelor's Degree, A Law Degree, And A Desire To Worship Satan.

I Always Appreciated My Teachers. When I Was 16, I Gave Them The Greatest Gift I Could Think Of. I Dropped Out Of School.

If We Are Now Holding Late-night Talk-show Hosts To The Same Moral Accountability As We Hold Politicians Or Clergymen, I'm Out. I'm Gone.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

Why Don't They Allow Professional Wrestling At The Olympics? They Allow Pro Basketball Players And Hockey Players. Olympic Pro Wrestling Would Be Awesome. The Team From Mexico Could Wear Those Mr. X Masks. The French Wrestler Could Hit His Opponent With A Baguette. Or Perhaps Just Surrender.

My Son's Always Showing Me Pictures Of Dinosaurs And Asking Me What Their Names Are. I Dont Know So I Make Stuff Up: That Son Is A Thesaurus.

I've Started Looking At My Own Father A Bit Funny. He Assures Me, Though, That I Really Am The Son Of A Scottish Postman.

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