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People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

-Craig Ferguson

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People Spend Thousands Of

Craig Ferguson

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People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

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I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often.

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The Most Popular Valentine's Day Gift Is Chocolate. In The 1800's, Doctors Told Their Patients To Eat Chocolate To Get Over A Broken Heart. They Also Thought If You're Going To Be Alone, Who Cares If You Get Fat.

Whether I Or Anyone Else Accepted The Concept Of Alcoholism As A Disease Didn't Matter; What Mattered Was That When Treated As A Disease, Those Who Suffered From It Were Most Likely To Recover.

I've Got Mixed Feelings About Poetry Cause Done Well Poetry Is Fantastic. But Not Many People Are Capable Of Doing It Well. I Think You Should Have Some Kind Of License To Perform Poetry. A Poetic License Perhaps.

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The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

When In Doubt About Who's To Blame. Blame The English.

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

You Can Never Talk Religion On Network Tv. It Makes Too Many People Angry. You Can Talk About Sex.

Every Year Law Schools Churn Out Thousands Of Lawyers. We Don't Need Any More Lawyers. We Need More Lawyers Like We Need More Talk-show Hosts.

I Don't Think Wood Was Discovered In Britain Until The 1970's. That's When I Discovered It Anyway.

I Became A Terrible Drunk Or Alcoholic - Or A Good One Depending On Your Point Of View.

Another One Of President Barack Obama's Nominees Is Having Tax Issues, Which Proves One Thing: The Democrats Like Raising The Taxes, But They Hate Paying Them.

Personally, I Hope He Doesn't Get Out Of The Campaign. I Need Rick Perry. I Don't Want To Spend The Next Year Trying To Do Jokes About Mitt Romney.

Nothing Says Romance Like Hobos, Martyrs And Decapitations.

I Used To Believe, Like Many People Who Come From Poor Backgrounds, That It Gave Me An Edge, But I Think That's Just Something We Have To Tell Ourselves To Get By Sometimes. I Don't Believe That Anymore. Children Of Privilege Can Be Just As Talented And Clever As Anybody Else.

I Salute Rick Perry For The Way He's Trying To Overcome This. Today He Came Out And Said He's Not One Of Those Slick Politicians, That This Just Shows His Human Side, And Some Third Excuse He Can't Remember.

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Jennifer Lawrence

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