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A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

-Jeff Foxworthy

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A Lot Of People

Jeff Foxworthy

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A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

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You Might Be A Redneck If Directions To Your House Include Turn Off The Paved Road.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Sophisticated Show-biz Cousin Is A Rodeo Clown.

My Grandma's The Most Careful, Safe Driver In The World. You Put Her In A Rental Car, And She's Doing Doughnuts In The K-mart Parking Lot!

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stood In Line To Get Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of Nature.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.

I Just Love People. I Love This Country. I Am The American Dream. I Grew Up By The Airport With A Dirt Yard. Never In My Life Should I Have Been A Success. So That's What I Love About This Country [usa], Is You Get Out There And You Have The Opportunity And You Work Hard At It, And You Can Be A Success.

Look At Where Jesus Went To Pick People. He Didn't Go To The Colleges; He Got Guys Off The Fishing Docks.

You Have To Change Those Diapers Every Day. When Those Directions On The Side Of The Pampers Box Say, 'holds 6-12 Pounds' They're Not Kidding!

If You Think Fast Food Is Hittin A Deer Att 65 Miles Per Hr.. You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If Every Electrical Outlet In Your House Is A Fire Hazard.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The Mountain Men In Deliverance Were Just Misunderstood.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Gives You Tips On How To Sneak Booze Into Sporting Events.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

Women In Bed Are Like Diesel Engines. What I Mean By That Is, It May Take Them A While To Get Going, But When You Do, They Can Go For A Long, Long Time. Whereas Men Are Like... Bottle Rockets.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave A Bingo Game Because Of Her Language.

I'm Two Decisions Away From Putting Up Drywall For A Living. I Am, And There's Nothing Wrong With That, But Whatever I Got, It's Through The Grace Of God, And I've Got To Use It Right.

I Actually Had A Chance To Be In Delta Farce, But I Couldn't Do It Because I Read The Script.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Handkerchief Doubles As Your Shirt Sleeve.

You Find Out That All This Stuff You've Accumulated, You Could Care Less About It. It's Just The Relationships That Matter.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you've Been On Tv More Than Times Describing The Sound Of A Tornado.

If You Have A Complete Set Of Salad Bowls And They All Say Kool Whip On The Side, You Might Be A Redneck.

Some People Like To Keep Their Grass Cut Really Short, So They Can See The Intruders Coming. Keep Those Kill Zones Open. I Say Let The Grass Grow Tall So They Don't Know There's A House Behind It. Some Call It Lazy, I Say It's Thinking.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The Governor To Spare A Loved One.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Would Rather Go The Racetrack Than The Kennedy Center.

If You Have More Fish On Your Wall Than Pictures, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That The Styrofoam Cooler Is The Greatest Invention Of All Time.

Nothing In Life Prepares You To Be Famous.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Primary Source Of Income Is The Pawn Shop.

If Your Idea Of A 7 Course Meal Is A Bucket Of Kfc And A Sixpack, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're A Lite Beer Drinker, Because You Start Drinking When It Gets Light.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

Between New York And La, There's 200 Million People That Aren't Hip, And They Don't Want To Be Hip.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wheelbarrow Breaks And It Takes Four Relatives To Figure Out How To Fix It.

Have You Ever Seen People So Ugly That You Have To Get Someone Else To Verify It?

If You Ahve Ever Unloaded Your Pickup By Backing Up Really Fast And Slamming On The Brakes, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Belt Buckle Weighs More Than Three Pounds.

I've Got Nothing Against Tattoos. I Don't Have One Myself. If I Did, It Would Be Right There Next To My Watch. It Would Say "your Wife's Birthday Is August 2nd, Your Anniversary Is September 18th, Don't Let Ron White Drive Your Car Again."

If The Gas Pedal On Your Car Is Shaped Like A Bare Foot, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Wants To Stop At The Gas Station To See If They've Got The New Darrell Waltrip Budweiser Wall Clock.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Boat Has Not Left The Driveway In 15 Years.

If You're A Man And You've Ever Been Antique Shopping During A Big Football Game, You're Either Gay Or Married.

If Your Stomach Blocks Your View Of Your Feet, Cover It Up! The Only People Who Should Be Wearing Belly Shirts Are People Who Don't Have Bellies. Now Those Little Baby Spare Tires Are Kinda Cute; Tractor Tires Aren't! Especially If They've Got Hair On Them!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Vehicle Has A Two-tone Paint Job - Primer Red And Primer Gray.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking A Dip Has Nothing To Do With Water.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Classes At School Were Cancelled Because The Path To The Restroom Was Flooded.

If You Have Ever Spray-painted Your Girlfriends Name On An Overpass, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your House Doesn't Have Curtains, But Your Truck Does.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

Sacrificing Myself To Kill Hilary Clinton Was The Best Thing I Could Possibly Do For Humanity

You Might Be A Redneck If An Expired License Plate Means Another Decoration For Your Living Room Wall.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think Silence Of The Lambs Is What Happens When Larry Walks Out To The Barn.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Has A Beer Belly And You Find It Attractive.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Dolls Clothes

You Might Be A Redneck If On Your First Date You Had To Ask Your Dad To Borrow The Keys To The Tractor.

If Your Working Television Sits On Top Of Your Non-working Television, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have Those Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.

Pride Is The First Step In People Unraveling And Companies Unraveling And Relationships Unraveling.

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Leave Your House, You Are Followed By Federal Agents Of The Bureau Of Alcohol Tobacco And Firearms, And The Only Thing You Worry About Is If You Can Lose Them Or Not.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Receptionist Checks The Rat Traps At Your Place Of Business.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Move Your Refrigerator And The Grass Underneath It Has Turned Yellow.

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You Might Be A Redneck If The Antenna On Your Truck Is A Danger To Low Flying Airplanes.

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You May Be A Redneck If... Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own A Fireworks Stand.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Parakeet Knows The Phrase Open Up, Police!

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Losing Everything

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I've Gotten To The Point I Won't Even Watch The 11 O'clock News. You Just Walk Away From It Thinking How Bad Everything Is.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Keeps A Can Of Vienna Sausage In Her Purse.

By The Time We Get To Church, I Need Church Cuz I've Been Yelled At By Everyone In The Family.

If You Think The Last Four Words To The National Anthem Are " Gentleman, Start Your Engines", You Might Be A Redneck.

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I Was Talking To Alan Jackson. He Had His Second Greatest Hits Album. He Said, You Don't Ever Get Into This Really Thinking You're Gonna Make It.

If Your Biggest Tax Deduction Was Bail Money, You Might Be A Redneck.

If Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan, You Might Be A Redneck.

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If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Your Most Expensive Shoes Have Numbers On The Heels.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stared At A Can Of Orange Juice Because It Said Concentrate.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Someone Tells You You Have Something In Your Teeth, And You Take Them Out To See What It Is.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Bumper Sticker Says, My Other Car Is A Combine.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Tore Her Best Dress Coon Hunting.

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That's The Great Thing About A Tractor. You Can't Really Hear The Phone Ring.

The Things That I'm Talking About Not Knowing, They're Not Mysteries Of The Universe; It's Just Stuff I Thought I Would Know By The Time I Was Thirty-nine.

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We Really Didn't Have The Option Of Being Couch Potatoes When I Was Growing Up. There Were Only Three Television Channels And The Only Kid's Programming Was On Saturday Morning. We Always Played Outside Until We Could Hear Mom Calling Us (not By Cell Phone But With Her Hands Cupped Around Her Mouth) That It Was Dinner Time.

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You Might Be A Redneck If There Is A Sheet Hanging In Your Closet And A Gun Rack Hanging In Your Truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Pocketknife Has Ever Been Referred To As Exhibit A.

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If Most People Wanted To Be Incognito, They Put On A Fake Beard Or Mustache. If I Wanted To I'd Just Shave Mine Off.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own All The Components Of Soap On A Rope Except The Soap.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Celebrate Groundhog Day Because You Believe In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Stand Under The Mistletoe At Christmas And Wait For Granny And Cousin Sue-ellen To Walk By.

You Break Into My House, I Will Shoot You. My Wife Will Shoot You And Then Spend Thirty Minutes Telling You Why She Shot You.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go To A Tupperware Party For A Haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck If In An Effort To Watch Your Cholesterol, You Eat Spam Lite.

If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

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My Whole Career Can Be Summed Up With 'ignorance Is Bliss.' When You Do Not Know Better, You Do Not Really Worry About Failing.

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If Someone At Fleet Farm Offers You Assistance And They Don't Work There You Might Live In Wisconsin.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Exxon And Conoco Have Offered You Royalties For Your Hair.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own At Least 20 Baseball Hats.

Buying A Used Rental Car Is Kind Of Like Going To A House Of Ill Repute Looking For A Wife. Anything That's Been Driven That Hard By That Many People, You Really Don't Want To Put Your Key In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If People Hear Your Car Long Before They See It.

I Think With A Comedian, When You Get To The Point Of A Greatest Hits, It's Kind Of An Acknowledgment That You've Been Doing Stand-up A Long Time, Which Not Very Many People Do.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Wish Your Outhouse Was As Nice As Those At The State Park.

I Have Never Been Jealous. Not Even When My Dad Finished Fifth Grade A Year Before I Did.

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Look Upon A Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet 'ms. Right

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Hunting Dog Has A Bigger Tombstone Than Your Grandfather.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Best Way To Keep Things Cold Is To Leave'em In The Shade.

Nowadays You Can't Even Spank Your Kids. No, Gotta Give 'em A Time Out. My Dad Would Take Time Out Of His Busy Day... To Whip Our Ass.

Redneck Is: The Glorious Absence Of Sophistication

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Every Episode Of Hee Haw On Tape.

My Wife Is So Analytical With Raising Kids, And I Am Not. My Feeling Is If They Turn Out Good, Then That Means I Was A Good Daddy And Put A Lot Of Effort Into It. If They Turn Out Bad, It Means They Took After Her Side Of The Family.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Episode Of Walker, Texas Ranger Changed Your Life.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Somebody Hollers Ho-down And Your Girlfriend Hits The Floor.

Find Something In Life That You Love Doing. If You Make A Lot Of Money, That's A Bonus, And If You Don't, You Still Won't Hate Going To Work.

Watching A Baby Being Born Is A Little Like Watching A Wet St. Bernard Coming In Through The Cat Door.

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You Might Be A Redneck If You Think People That Send Out Graduation Announcements Are Show-offs.

Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

When You Get To Your Third Millionth Frequent Flyer Mile, I Think Something Snaps In Your Brain.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Been Fired From A Construction Job Because Of Your Appearance.

You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

There's A Whole Segment Of The Population With A Mentality That Bases Good Times On Where They Can Go And What They Can Buy.

You Might Be A Redneck If More Than One Living Relative Is Named After A Southern Civil War General.

A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Still Scalping Tickets After The Concert Is Over.

Talking With Gary Busey Is Kinda Like Sex. You Want To Do It, You Just Don't Want To Be Alone When You Do It.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are Four Or More Cars Up On Blocks In The Front Yard.

If Your Thighs Look Like The Hood Of A White Toyota Minivan After A Hailstorm, You Aren't Juicy.

The Only Negative About Doing Stand-up Is That You're On The Road By Yourself. When You're On The Road With Comics We Just Crack Each Other Up Every Night Going, "can You Believe They're Paying Us To Do This? They're Crazy.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Doll Clothes. We've Got Four Thousand Dolls And Ain't One Of Them Got A Stitch Of Clothes On.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Color Coordinating Rope That Ties Down Your Car Hood.

Whatever Cleaning Goes On On The Planet, Women Do 99% Of It. But See, Women Are Not As Proud Of Their 99% As Men Are Of Our One! We Clean Something Up, We're Gonna Talk About It All Year Long. It Might Be On The News, You Don't Know. A Woman Could Be Out Re-paving The Driveway. Men Actually Have Enough Gall To Run Out On The Porch And Go "hey Baby? Man, It's Hot As Hell Out Here, Ain't It! Look, Don't Worry About Emptyin' That Ashtray In The Den, I Done Got It, All Right? Did It For You, Sweet Pea. I'm Gonna Go Take A Nap Now, All Right?"

You Might Be A Redneck If You Work With A Shirt Off... And So Does Your Husband.

It Seems Like Movies That Have Heart To Them Always Do Well, And They Find Their Audience.

As An Actor, There Was That Freedom Of Not Having To Worry About Lights Or Marks Or Other People. It Was Just Going Out There And Having Fun With The Character.

It's Hard To Think Of Yourself As A Loser At 2 Years Old.

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You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

This Happened To Me Last Week. We're In The Process Of Remodeling Our House; We've Been Doing It For A While Now. And We Have The Painters In, Putting Sheets Up Around The Furniture, You Know? And We Have A Piano, Just A Regular, Up Against The Wall Piano. One Of The Painters Said To Me, "is That Y'all's Piano?" I Said, "nah, That's Our Coffee Table, It Just Has Buckteeth! Here's Your Sign!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dogs Name Is Miller Light

I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

When You're Young And You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex You Take Sex Everytime. You Start Getting Older, You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex, You Choose Sleep And Just Hope You Have A Dream About Sex.

I Don't Know Why My Brain Has Kept All The Words To The Gilligan's Island Theme Song And Has Deleted Everything About Triangles.

All These Years I've Sat In Airports And Kind Of Drawn People And Put Like Far Side Captions On Them.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Dated Your Daddy's Current Wife In High School.

Because Criminals Know That When They See A House With 2 Foot Tall Grass, A Dog On A Chain, And An Engine Hanging From A Tree, A Gun Lives In That House. And If You Want To Know What Kind, Just Break In At 2 In The Morning.

I Got My Wife A Mood Ring. It Works Real Good! When Shes In A Good Mood It Turns Blue, But When Shes In A Bad Mood Theres A Red Mark Across My Forehead

I'll Just Have Itchy, Watery Eyes!

Kids Aren't Suppose To Have Cancer, They're Suppose To Have A Future.

If You're A Redneck, You Have That Blood Flowing Through Your Veins. That's Almost On The Bucket List, To Hear "freebird" Live.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Hauled A Can Of Paint To The Top Of A Water Tower To Defend Your Sister's Honor.

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