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Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

-Jeff Foxworthy

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Any Job That Posts

Jeff Foxworthy

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Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

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My Wife Is Like, You Finally Get Your Own Tv Show, You Can Have Any Kind Of Car You Want And You Get A Darned Truck. But My Brother And I Have The Same Kind Of Truck Now.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Episode Of Walker, Texas Ranger Changed Your Life.

I Notice My Wife When She's On The Phone With Her Friends, Man They Will Share Every Animate Details Of Their Lives With Each Other. See Men Once We Become Friends With Another Man We May Never Say Another Word To Him, Unless There's Valuable Information That Needs To Be Exchanged. Things Like "hey Jim, Your Shirt's On Fire."

My Grandma's The Most Careful, Safe Driver In The World. You Put Her In A Rental Car, And She's Doing Doughnuts In The K-mart Parking Lot!

You Might Be A Redneck If You Look Upon A Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet 'ms. Right

I Wish I Could Relate To The People I'm Related To.

I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Little House On The Prairie For Decorating Tips.

I Don't Necessarily Think Of It As Southern Comedy. I Just Think I'm A Comedian And I Have A Southern Accent.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.

If You Ever Start Feeling Like You Have The Goofiest, Craziest, Most Dysfunctional Family In The World, All You Have To Do Is Go To A State Fair. Because Five Minutes At The Fair, You'll Be Going, 'you Know, We're Alright. We Are Dang Near Royalty.'

A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

As A Comic, You Learn To Use Your Voice Because You Don't Have The Benefit Of Visual Things.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Parakeet Knows The Phrase Open Up, Police!

You Know That You Are A Teacher When You Spend More Money On School Stuff Than You Do On Your Own Children.

I Had To Perform At The White House For The President, That's Always Kind Of A Weird Set To Try To Put Together.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Highlight Of Your Parties Is When You Flip Out Your False Teeth.

By The Time We Get To Church, I Need Church Cuz I've Been Yelled At By Everyone In The Family.

I Was Talking To Alan Jackson. He Had His Second Greatest Hits Album. He Said, You Don't Ever Get Into This Really Thinking You're Gonna Make It.

If You Have More Fish On Your Wall Than Pictures, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Keep A Fly Swatter In The Front Seat Of The Car So You Can Reach Your Kids In The Back Seat Of The Car.

If Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Motel 6 Turns Off The Lights When They See You Coming.

All These Years I've Sat In Airports And Kind Of Drawn People And Put Like Far Side Captions On Them.

Changing A Diaper Is A Lot Like Getting A Present From Your Grandmother - You're Not Sure What You've Got But You're Pretty Sure You're Not Going To Like It.

Sophisticated People Invest Their Money In Stock Portfolios. Rednecks Invest Their Money In Commemorative Plates.

Have You Ever Seen People So Ugly That You Have To Get Someone Else To Verify It?

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Your License Plate Personalized Because Your Dad Made It In Prison.

I'll Just Have Itchy, Watery Eyes!

The Designated Driver Program, It's Not A Desirable Job. But If You Ever Get Sucked Into Doing It, Drop Them Off At The Wrong House.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Tobacco Chewers In Your Family Aren't Just Men.

You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The Governor To Spare A Loved One.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dogs Name Is Miller Light

If Your Biggest Tax Deduction Was Bail Money, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Were Shooting Pool When Your Kids Were Born.

In My Life, I Have Driven Some Crappy Vehicles. But I Have Never Been So Desperate For A Vehicle That I Wanted A Used Rental Car.

I've Got Nothing Against Tattoos. I Don't Have One Myself. If I Did, It Would Be Right There Next To My Watch. It Would Say "your Wife's Birthday Is August 2nd, Your Anniversary Is September 18th, Don't Let Ron White Drive Your Car Again."

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Bumper Sticker Says, My Other Car Is A Combine.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Antenna On Your Truck Is A Danger To Low Flying Airplanes.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Coffee Table Used To Be A Telephone Cable Spool.

You May Be A Redneck If... You Have Spent More On Your Pickup Truck Than On Your Education.

I Have Never Been Jealous. Not Even When My Dad Finished Fifth Grade A Year Before I Did.

You Might Be A Redneck If Somebody Hollers Ho-down And Your Girlfriend Hits The Floor.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Doll Clothes. We've Got Four Thousand Dolls And Ain't One Of Them Got A Stitch Of Clothes On.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Vehicle Has A Two-tone Paint Job - Primer Red And Primer Gray.

If You Think Fast Food Is Hittin A Deer Att 65 Miles Per Hr.. You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Flowers Planted In A Bathroom Appliance In Your Front Yard.

This Happened To Me Last Week. We're In The Process Of Remodeling Our House; We've Been Doing It For A While Now. And We Have The Painters In, Putting Sheets Up Around The Furniture, You Know? And We Have A Piano, Just A Regular, Up Against The Wall Piano. One Of The Painters Said To Me, "is That Y'all's Piano?" I Said, "nah, That's Our Coffee Table, It Just Has Buckteeth! Here's Your Sign!

I Think For One Thing, Kids Are A Lot Smarter Now Then We Ever Were.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Receptionist Checks The Rat Traps At Your Place Of Business.

If You've Ever Made Change In The Offering Plate, You Might Be A Redneck.

If You're A Man And You've Ever Been Antique Shopping During A Big Football Game, You're Either Gay Or Married.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you Bought A Vcr So You Could Tape Wrestling While You Are At Work.

Look At Where Jesus Went To Pick People. He Didn't Go To The Colleges; He Got Guys Off The Fishing Docks.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Biggest Fashion Risk You Take Is Which Plaid You'll Wear To The 4-h Fair.

Between New York And La, There's 200 Million People That Aren't Hip, And They Don't Want To Be Hip.

If You Ahve Ever Unloaded Your Pickup By Backing Up Really Fast And Slamming On The Brakes, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Every Episode Of Hee Haw On Tape.

You Might Be A Redneck If Going To The Bathroom Involves Shoes And A Flashlight.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think People That Send Out Graduation Announcements Are Show-offs.

It's Like Cuddling With A Butterball Turkey.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Use A Radiator Hose To Fix Your Kitchen Sink.

Every Generation Thinks They Invented Sex, Which Is The Stupidest Assumption In The World Because If That Was The Case, You Wouldn't Even Be Here.

We Really Didn't Have The Option Of Being Couch Potatoes When I Was Growing Up. There Were Only Three Television Channels And The Only Kid's Programming Was On Saturday Morning. We Always Played Outside Until We Could Hear Mom Calling Us (not By Cell Phone But With Her Hands Cupped Around Her Mouth) That It Was Dinner Time.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Ufo Hotline Limits You To One Call A Day.

Nothing In Life Prepares You To Be Famous.

When You Get To Your Third Millionth Frequent Flyer Mile, I Think Something Snaps In Your Brain.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Sophisticated Show-biz Cousin Is A Rodeo Clown.

For The First Time Ever I Was Taking The Family On The Road. We Stayed With My In-laws, Which On Life's List Of Experiences Ranks Right Below Sitting In A Tub Full Of Scissors.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Worn A Dress That Is Strapless With A Bra That Isn't.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Dolls Clothes

You Might Be A Redneck If You Saved Lots Of Money On Your Honeymoon By Going Deer Hunting.

You May Be A Redneck If... Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own A Fireworks Stand.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The O.j. Trial Was The Big Sunkist And Minutemaid Taste Test.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Anniversary Present Was Getting The Septic Tank Pumped.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Beer Can Collection Is Considered A Tourist Attraction In Your Home Town.

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are More Than Ten Lawsuits Currently Pending Against Your Dog.

That's The Great Thing About A Tractor. You Can't Really Hear The Phone Ring.

I Always Wore Cowboy Boots And Drove A Truck, And Talked Like This. So Everywhere I Would Go In Comedy People Would Say, "foxworthy, You Ain't Nothing But A Redneck From Georgia!" It Kind Of Became A Formula Joke.

If Most People Wanted To Be Incognito, They Put On A Fake Beard Or Mustache. If I Wanted To I'd Just Shave Mine Off.

When I Did The Sitcom I Was Too Naive. I Thought, Well, They Know What They're Talking About, Let's Do That.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Daughter's Barbie's Dream House Has A Clothesline In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If On Your First Date You Had To Ask Your Dad To Borrow The Keys To The Tractor.

We're A Heart Attack Away From Losing The Right To Bear Arms.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Classes At School Were Cancelled Because The Path To The Restroom Was Flooded.

You Might Be A Redneck If You See A Sign That Says Say No To Crack And It Reminds You To Pull Your Jeans Up.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider A Good Tan To Be The Back Of Your Neck And The Left Arm Below The Shirt Sleeve.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Calls You Over To Help, Cause She Has A Flat Tire On Her House.

The Thing About That Singles Apartment Is You Never Had To Clean It Up... Until The Day You Got The Security Deposit Back. You're Arguing With The Landlord... 'no Sir, The Back Door Was Missing When We Moved In Here! The Pizzas Were Always On The Ceiling!'

I've Got Keys To Crap I've Never Owned. You Put All My Keys Together I Could Be A High School Janitor Tonight.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Picture Of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Or Elvis Over Your Fireplace.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Dated Your Daddy's Current Wife In High School.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stood In Line To Get Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of Nature.

We Sing About God Because We Believe In Him. We Are Not Trying To Offend Anybody, But The Evidence That We Have Seen Of Him In Our Small Little Lives Trumps Your Opinion About Whether Or Not He Exists.

Do You Know Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder? 'cause There's No Dental Records And All The Dna Is The Same.

Redneck Is: The Glorious Absence Of Sophistication

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Handkerchief Doubles As Your Shirt Sleeve.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Are Still Holding On To Confederate Money Because You Think The South Will Rise Again.

If You're A Redneck, You Have That Blood Flowing Through Your Veins. That's Almost On The Bucket List, To Hear "freebird" Live.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

If Men Have A Smell It's Usually An Accident.

You Moon The Wrong Person At An Office Party And Suddenly You're Not 'professional' Any More.

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt?

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt? You Put On Something From The Cleaners, They're Gonna Spit Up Just Like That. My Wardrobe Looks Like We Have Condors Living In Our Yard.

I Don't Know Why My Brain Has Kept All The Words To The Gilligan's Island Theme Song And Has Deleted Everything About Triangles.

If You Think A Quaterhorse Is That Ride In Front Of Kmart.. You Might Be A Rednneck

You Might Be A Redneck If Someone Tells You You Have Something In Your Teeth, And You Take Them Out To See What It Is.

Whatever Cleaning Goes On On The Planet, Women Do 99% Of It. But See, Women Are Not As Proud Of Their 99% As Men Are Of Our One! We Clean Something Up, We're Gonna Talk About It All Year Long. It Might Be On The News, You Don't Know. A Woman Could Be Out Re-paving The Driveway. Men Actually Have Enough Gall To Run Out On The Porch And Go "hey Baby? Man, It's Hot As Hell Out Here, Ain't It! Look, Don't Worry About Emptyin' That Ashtray In The Den, I Done Got It, All Right? Did It For You, Sweet Pea. I'm Gonna Go Take A Nap Now, All Right?"

Hell, When I Was In High School, A "drive-by Shooting" Meant Somebody Had Their Rear End Hanging Out A Car Window!

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go Christmas Shopping For Your Mom, Sister, And Girlfriend, And You Only Need To Buy One Gift.

Now, It's True I Married My Wife For Her Looks... But Not The Ones She's Been Givin' Me Lately.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Would Rather Go The Racetrack Than The Kennedy Center.

Louisiana Has The Best Food On The Planet If You Don't Really Ask Too Much About What You're Eating.

You Know, I Remember Career Day In High School. I Remember Plumbers And Lawyers... I Don't Remember A Booth Where You Could Sign Up To Learn How To Shoot Chickens Out Of A Cannon At The Windshield Of An Airplane, 'cause There Would Have Been A Line At My School To Do That!

How Is A Redneck Divorce Similar To A Tornado? You Know That Somewhere, Somehow, Someone Is Gonna Lose A Trailer.

I'm An Outdoor Nut. If I'm Not Working, I'm On A Tractor On My Farm, Hunting, Fishing Or Climbing A Mountain.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own At Least 20 Baseball Hats.

I've Gotten To The Point I Won't Even Watch The 11 O'clock News. You Just Walk Away From It Thinking How Bad Everything Is.

You Might Be A Redneck If People Hear Your Car Long Before They See It.

You Might Be A Redneck If During Your Senior Year You And Your Mother Had Homeroom Together.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Wish Your Outhouse Was As Nice As Those At The State Park.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own All The Components Of Soap On A Rope Except The Soap.

You Take A Normal Guy, Give Him A Wife, Give Them Time, And You've Got An Idiot!

You Might Be A Redneck If You Won't Stop At A Rest Area If You Have An Empty Beer Can In The Car.

It's Not My Dreams That Get Me In Trouble, It's What My Wife Dreams I Did. My Wife Punched Me In The Middle Of The Night; I Woke Up And Went Oww! What Was That For?, And She Goes I Dreamt You Were Making Out With Faith Hill. I Said I Wasn't Dreaming Anything! Send Her Over To My Dreams, And We'll Both Be Happy.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups.

I Used To Say That Whenever People Heard My Southern Accent, They Always Wanted To Deduct 100 Iq Points.

Some People Like To Keep Their Grass Cut Really Short, So They Can See The Intruders Coming. Keep Those Kill Zones Open. I Say Let The Grass Grow Tall So They Don't Know There's A House Behind It. Some Call It Lazy, I Say It's Thinking.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're A Lite Beer Drinker, Because You Start Drinking When It Gets Light.

As A Comedian I Appreciate Every Kind Of Comedy. You Decide For Yourself What You're Going To Do.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have Those Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.

If You Have Ever Spray-painted Your Girlfriends Name On An Overpass, You Might Be A Redneck.

There's No Down Time Any More.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Mother Has Been Involved In A Fist Fight At A High School Sports Event.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you Think That John Deere Green, Ford Blue, And Primer Gray Are The Three Of The Primary Colors.

The Only Negative About Doing Stand-up Is That You're On The Road By Yourself. When You're On The Road With Comics We Just Crack Each Other Up Every Night Going, "can You Believe They're Paying Us To Do This? They're Crazy.

Because Criminals Know That When They See A House With 2 Foot Tall Grass, A Dog On A Chain, And An Engine Hanging From A Tree, A Gun Lives In That House. And If You Want To Know What Kind, Just Break In At 2 In The Morning.

It's Hard To Think Of Yourself As A Loser At 2 Years Old.

You Just May Be A Redneck If Your Lawn Furniture Used To Be Your Living Room Furniture.

Talking With Gary Busey Is Kinda Like Sex. You Want To Do It, You Just Don't Want To Be Alone When You Do It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking A Dip Has Nothing To Do With Water.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Been Fired From A Construction Job Because Of Your Appearance.

You Might Be A Redneck If A Full-grown Ostrich Has Fewer Feathers Than Your Cowboy Hat.

If You Think The Last Four Words To The National Anthem Are " Gentleman, Start Your Engines", You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

You Might Be A Redneck If Directions To Your House Include Turn Off The Paved Road.

[about Sex And Being Married] It's Like Being The National Guard, We May Not Be Seeing As Much Action As The Front Line, But We Are Living To Fight Another Day.

You Might Be A Redneck If Three Quarters Of The Clothes You Own Have Logos On Them.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandfather Completely Executes The Pull My Finger Trick At The Family Reunion.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite T-shirt Is Offensive In Thirteen States.

If Your Stomach Blocks Your View Of Your Feet, Cover It Up! The Only People Who Should Be Wearing Belly Shirts Are People Who Don't Have Bellies. Now Those Little Baby Spare Tires Are Kinda Cute; Tractor Tires Aren't! Especially If They've Got Hair On Them!

If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.

You Might Be A Redneck If... Your High School Basketball Game Got Rained Out.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Best Way To Keep Things Cold Is To Leave'em In The Shade.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Work With A Shirt Off... And So Does Your Husband.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Birth Announcement Included The Word Rug Rat.

I'm Very Lucky In That I've Gotten To Do A Lot Of Things. But If You Ever Put A Gun To My Head And Said, "you Can Only Do One," I'd Think It Would Be Stand-up. I Think It's The Coolest Job In The World.

If You Know All 4 Seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter And Road Construction, You May Live In Canada

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

I Got My Wife A Mood Ring. It Works Real Good! When Shes In A Good Mood It Turns Blue, But When Shes In A Bad Mood Theres A Red Mark Across My Forehead

You Don't Get Married To Get Sex. Getting Married To Get Sex Is Like Buying A 747 To Get Free Peanuts.

My Wife Is So Analytical With Raising Kids, And I Am Not. My Feeling Is If They Turn Out Good, Then That Means I Was A Good Daddy And Put A Lot Of Effort Into It. If They Turn Out Bad, It Means They Took After Her Side Of The Family.

I'm Two Decisions Away From Putting Up Drywall For A Living. I Am, And There's Nothing Wrong With That, But Whatever I Got, It's Through The Grace Of God, And I've Got To Use It Right.

Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That The Styrofoam Cooler Is The Greatest Invention Of All Time.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking Your Wife On A Cruise Means Circling The Dairy Queen.

Being A Comedian, People Tell Me Stuff They Shouldn't Tell Their Therapist.

If Your Neighbors Think You're A Detective Because A Cop Always Brings You Home, You Might Be A Redneck.

I Refuse To This Day To Do E-mail Because Everybody I Know That Does It, It Takes Another Two Or Three Hours A Day. I Don't Want To Give Two Or Three More Hours Away.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stared At A Can Of Orange Juice Because It Said Concentrate.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Hauled A Can Of Paint To The Top Of A Water Tower To Defend Your Sister's Honor.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Pocketknife Has Ever Been Referred To As Exhibit A.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Celebrate Groundhog Day Because You Believe In It.

If You Can't Remember The Last Time You Had Sex With A Woman, You're Either Gay, Or Married.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Color Coordinating Rope That Ties Down Your Car Hood.

You May Be A Redneck If . . . You Think You Are An Entrepreneur Because Of The "dirt For Sale" Sign In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If Every Electrical Outlet In Your House Is A Fire Hazard.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wheelbarrow Breaks And It Takes Four Relatives To Figure Out How To Fix It.

If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

We Probably Stagnate Our Children's Emotional Growth By Not Letting Them Have Some Separation From Us.

You Might Be A Redneck If In An Effort To Watch Your Cholesterol, You Eat Spam Lite.

My Whole Career Can Be Summed Up With 'ignorance Is Bliss.' When You Do Not Know Better, You Do Not Really Worry About Failing.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Moved To Tears Every Time You Hear Dolly Parton Singing I Will Always Love You.

As An Actor, There Was That Freedom Of Not Having To Worry About Lights Or Marks Or Other People. It Was Just Going Out There And Having Fun With The Character.

I Actually Had A Chance To Be In Delta Farce, But I Couldn't Do It Because I Read The Script.

Buying A Used Rental Car Is Kind Of Like Going To A House Of Ill Repute Looking For A Wife. Anything That's Been Driven That Hard By That Many People, You Really Don't Want To Put Your Key In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Need An Estimate From Your Barber Before You Get A Haircut.

If Your Idea Of A 7 Course Meal Is A Bucket Of Kfc And A Sixpack, You Might Be A Redneck.

The Things That I'm Talking About Not Knowing, They're Not Mysteries Of The Universe; It's Just Stuff I Thought I Would Know By The Time I Was Thirty-nine.

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