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The Thing About That Singles Apartment Is You Never Had To Clean It Up... Until The Day You Got The Security Deposit Back. You're Arguing With The Landlord... 'no Sir, The Back Door Was Missing When We Moved In Here! The Pizzas Were Always On The Ceiling!'

-Jeff Foxworthy

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The Thing About That

Jeff Foxworthy

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The Thing About That Singles Apartment Is You Never Had To Clean It Up... Until The Day You Got The Security Deposit Back. You're Arguing With The Landlord... 'no Sir, The Back Door Was Missing When We Moved In Here! The Pizzas Were Always On The Ceiling!'

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Nothing In Life Prepares You To Be Famous.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go To A Tupperware Party For A Haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck If People Hear Your Car Long Before They See It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Going To The Bathroom Involves Shoes And A Flashlight.

Comics Don't Usually Have Very Long Careers, And I'm 22 Years Into This.

If Your Biggest Tax Deduction Was Bail Money, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Home Shopping Channel Operator Recognizes Your Voice.

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Find Something In Life That You Love Doing. If You Make A Lot Of Money, That's A Bonus, And If You Don't, You Still Won't Hate Going To Work.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dogs Name Is Miller Light

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You Might Be A Redneck If You're A Lite Beer Drinker, Because You Start Drinking When It Gets Light.

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For The First Time Ever I Was Taking The Family On The Road. We Stayed With My In-laws, Which On Life's List Of Experiences Ranks Right Below Sitting In A Tub Full Of Scissors.

It's Not My Dreams That Get Me In Trouble, It's What My Wife Dreams I Did. My Wife Punched Me In The Middle Of The Night; I Woke Up And Went Oww! What Was That For?, And She Goes I Dreamt You Were Making Out With Faith Hill. I Said I Wasn't Dreaming Anything! Send Her Over To My Dreams, And We'll Both Be Happy.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Antenna On Your Truck Is A Danger To Low Flying Airplanes.

Talking With Gary Busey Is Kinda Like Sex. You Want To Do It, You Just Don't Want To Be Alone When You Do It.

I'm An Outdoor Nut. If I'm Not Working, I'm On A Tractor On My Farm, Hunting, Fishing Or Climbing A Mountain.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Handkerchief Doubles As Your Shirt Sleeve.

Sophisticated People Invest Their Money In Stock Portfolios. Rednecks Invest Their Money In Commemorative Plates.

I'll Just Have Itchy, Watery Eyes!

You Might Be A Redneck If Three Quarters Of The Clothes You Own Have Logos On Them.

To Me, The Media In New York And La Have Always Missed The Essence Of This Country.

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Run Out Of Gas, You Put Gin In The Gas Tank.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If...the Most Serious Loss From The Earthquake Was Your Conway Twitty Record Collection.

My Wife Is So Analytical With Raising Kids, And I Am Not. My Feeling Is If They Turn Out Good, Then That Means I Was A Good Daddy And Put A Lot Of Effort Into It. If They Turn Out Bad, It Means They Took After Her Side Of The Family.

It's Hard To Think Of Yourself As A Loser At 2 Years Old.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Your License Plate Personalized Because Your Dad Made It In Prison.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Belt Buckle Weighs More Than Three Pounds.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Christmas Present Was A Painting On Black Velvet.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Doll Clothes. We've Got Four Thousand Dolls And Ain't One Of Them Got A Stitch Of Clothes On.

I Wish I Could Relate To The People I'm Related To.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Picture Of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Or Elvis Over Your Fireplace.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can Amuse Yourself For More Than An Hour With A Fly Swatter.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Good Deed For The Month Was Hiding Your Brother For A Few Days.

Pride Is The First Step In People Unraveling And Companies Unraveling And Relationships Unraveling.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

Buying A Used Rental Car Is Kind Of Like Going To A House Of Ill Repute Looking For A Wife. Anything That's Been Driven That Hard By That Many People, You Really Don't Want To Put Your Key In It.

You Can Call Us Rednecks If You Want. We're Not Offended, 'cause We Know What We're All About. We Get Up And Go To Work, We Get Up And Go To Church, And We Get Up And Go To War When Necessary.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Grow Vidalia Onions, Rather Than Considering Them A Gourmet Item.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think Silence Of The Lambs Is What Happens When Larry Walks Out To The Barn.

If You Can't Remember The Last Time You Had Sex With A Woman, You're Either Gay, Or Married.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Gives You Tips On How To Sneak Booze Into Sporting Events.

I Tried Real Hard To Play Golf, And I Was So Bad At It They Would Have To Check Me For Ticks At The End Of The Round Because I'd Spent About Half The Day In The Woods.

In My Life, I Have Driven Some Crappy Vehicles. But I Have Never Been So Desperate For A Vehicle That I Wanted A Used Rental Car.

You Know, I Remember Career Day In High School. I Remember Plumbers And Lawyers... I Don't Remember A Booth Where You Could Sign Up To Learn How To Shoot Chickens Out Of A Cannon At The Windshield Of An Airplane, 'cause There Would Have Been A Line At My School To Do That!

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Still Scalping Tickets After The Concert Is Over.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have Those Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Richest Member Of Your Family Bought A House And You Have To Help Take The Wheels Off Of It.

We're A Heart Attack Away From Losing The Right To Bear Arms.

The Designated Driver Program, It's Not A Desirable Job. But If You Ever Get Sucked Into Doing It, Drop Them Off At The Wrong House.

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If Someone At Fleet Farm Offers You Assistance And They Don't Work There You Might Live In Wisconsin.

The Thing About That Singles Apartment Is You Never Had To Clean It Up... Until The Day You Got The Security Deposit Back. You're Arguing With The Landlord... 'no Sir, The Back Door Was Missing When We Moved In Here! The Pizzas Were Always On The Ceiling!'

When I Was A Kid, My Parents Had A 900-pound Television On Top Of A Tv Tray. My Dad's Theory Was, 'let Him Pull It Over His Head A Few Times, He'll Learn.'

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You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

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Have You Ever Seen People So Ugly That You Have To Get Someone Else To Verify It?

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

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If Your Working Television Sits On Top Of Your Non-working Television, You Might Be A Redneck.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Directions To Your House Include Turn Off The Paved Road.

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You Might Be A Redneck If You Were Shooting Pool When Your Kids Were Born.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Vehicle Has A Two-tone Paint Job - Primer Red And Primer Gray.

You Might Be A Redneck If In An Effort To Watch Your Cholesterol, You Eat Spam Lite.

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If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Satellite Dish Payment Delays Buying School Clothes For The Kids.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Your House Doesn't Have Curtains, But Your Truck Does.

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You Might Be A Redneck If The Dog Catcher Calls For A Backup Unit When He Visits Your House.

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Losing Everything

I Think With A Comedian, When You Get To The Point Of A Greatest Hits, It's Kind Of An Acknowledgment That You've Been Doing Stand-up A Long Time, Which Not Very Many People Do.

If You Think The Last Four Words To The National Anthem Are " Gentleman, Start Your Engines", You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Episode Of Walker, Texas Ranger Changed Your Life.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stolen Toilet Paper From A Public Restroom.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave A Bingo Game Because Of Her Language.

You Might Be A Redneck If On Your First Date You Had To Ask Your Dad To Borrow The Keys To The Tractor.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Color Coordinating Rope That Ties Down Your Car Hood.

If You've Ever Made Change In The Offering Plate, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.

If Most People Wanted To Be Incognito, They Put On A Fake Beard Or Mustache. If I Wanted To I'd Just Shave Mine Off.

If Your Idea Of A 7 Course Meal Is A Bucket Of Kfc And A Sixpack, You Might Be A Redneck.

This Happened To Me Last Week. We're In The Process Of Remodeling Our House; We've Been Doing It For A While Now. And We Have The Painters In, Putting Sheets Up Around The Furniture, You Know? And We Have A Piano, Just A Regular, Up Against The Wall Piano. One Of The Painters Said To Me, "is That Y'all's Piano?" I Said, "nah, That's Our Coffee Table, It Just Has Buckteeth! Here's Your Sign!

Women In Bed Are Like Diesel Engines. What I Mean By That Is, It May Take Them A While To Get Going, But When You Do, They Can Go For A Long, Long Time. Whereas Men Are Like... Bottle Rockets.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you've Been On Tv More Than Times Describing The Sound Of A Tornado.

I Don't Necessarily Think Of It As Southern Comedy. I Just Think I'm A Comedian And I Have A Southern Accent.

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You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

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If Your Thighs Look Like The Hood Of A White Toyota Minivan After A Hailstorm, You Aren't Juicy.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Sophisticated Show-biz Cousin Is A Rodeo Clown.

You Might Be A Redneck If Getting A Package From Your Post Office Requires A Full Tank Of Gas In The Truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Most Expensive Shoes Have Numbers On The Heels.

It's Sad When You See Somebody That Talented That Passes Away And Doesn't Have To.

My Grandma's The Most Careful, Safe Driver In The World. You Put Her In A Rental Car, And She's Doing Doughnuts In The K-mart Parking Lot!

Nowadays You Can't Even Spank Your Kids. No, Gotta Give 'em A Time Out. My Dad Would Take Time Out Of His Busy Day... To Whip Our Ass.

We Probably Stagnate Our Children's Emotional Growth By Not Letting Them Have Some Separation From Us.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

I Always Wore Cowboy Boots And Drove A Truck, And Talked Like This. So Everywhere I Would Go In Comedy People Would Say, "foxworthy, You Ain't Nothing But A Redneck From Georgia!" It Kind Of Became A Formula Joke.

Changing A Diaper Is A Lot Like Getting A Present From Your Grandmother - You're Not Sure What You've Got But You're Pretty Sure You're Not Going To Like It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The Mountain Men In Deliverance Were Just Misunderstood.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Moved To Tears Every Time You Hear Dolly Parton Singing I Will Always Love You.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking A Dip Has Nothing To Do With Water.

I Refuse To This Day To Do E-mail Because Everybody I Know That Does It, It Takes Another Two Or Three Hours A Day. I Don't Want To Give Two Or Three More Hours Away.

If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

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You Might Be A Redneck If Your Coffee Table Used To Be A Telephone Cable Spool.

I Hope Someday We Can Stamp Out Illiteracy In America. Of Course You'll Have To Kill Alot Of My Relatives To Do It.

That's Just Something Instinctual Within Men. We Always Feel Like We've Got To Protect Our Stuff. Even If It's Not Worth Protecting, We Want To Protect It. You Ever Seen People Who Have Like A Piece Of Crap Pinto With A Club On The Steering Wheel. Somebody Breaks The Window, Steals The Club, Leaves The Pinto In A Pile Of Glass.

I Used To Say That Whenever People Heard My Southern Accent, They Always Wanted To Deduct 100 Iq Points.

I Have Never Been Jealous. Not Even When My Dad Finished Fifth Grade A Year Before I Did.

Kids Aren't Suppose To Have Cancer, They're Suppose To Have A Future.

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