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When You're Young And You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex You Take Sex Everytime. You Start Getting Older, You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex, You Choose Sleep And Just Hope You Have A Dream About Sex.

-Jeff Foxworthy

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When You're Young And

Jeff Foxworthy

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When You're Young And You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex You Take Sex Everytime. You Start Getting Older, You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex, You Choose Sleep And Just Hope You Have A Dream About Sex.

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More From Jeff Foxworthy

I Really Don't Require A Whole Lot In Life.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Expired License Plate Means Another Decoration For Your Living Room Wall.

If Your Working Television Sits On Top Of Your Non-working Television, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Just May Be A Redneck If Your Lawn Furniture Used To Be Your Living Room Furniture.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Give Your Dad A Gallon Of Pepto-bismol For His Birthday.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Primary Source Of Income Is The Pawn Shop.

You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are Four Or More Cars Up On Blocks In The Front Yard.

Buying A Used Rental Car Is Kind Of Like Going To A House Of Ill Repute Looking For A Wife. Anything That's Been Driven That Hard By That Many People, You Really Don't Want To Put Your Key In It.

If Someone At Fleet Farm Offers You Assistance And They Don't Work There You Might Live In Wisconsin.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dogs Name Is Miller Light

Thank God I'm At That Point In My Career Where I Don't Have To Take Stuff That I Don't Really Want To Do.

Watching A Baby Being Born Is A Little Like Watching A Wet St. Bernard Coming In Through The Cat Door.

[about Sex And Being Married] It's Like Being The National Guard, We May Not Be Seeing As Much Action As The Front Line, But We Are Living To Fight Another Day.

If You Think A Quaterhorse Is That Ride In Front Of Kmart.. You Might Be A Rednneck

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandfather Completely Executes The Pull My Finger Trick At The Family Reunion.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Home Shopping Channel Operator Recognizes Your Voice.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Keeps A Can Of Vienna Sausage In Her Purse.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stolen Toilet Paper From A Public Restroom.

The Designated Driver Program, It's Not A Desirable Job. But If You Ever Get Sucked Into Doing It, Drop Them Off At The Wrong House.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

Now, It's True I Married My Wife For Her Looks... But Not The Ones She's Been Givin' Me Lately.

People Would Say, Can We Develop A Sitcom Around You? And I Would Say, Not Interested. I'm Very Happy Doing Standup And Writing And Taking My Kids To School.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own At Least 20 Baseball Hats.

If You're A Man And You've Ever Been Antique Shopping During A Big Football Game, You're Either Gay Or Married.

You Might Be A Redneck If Somebody Hollers Ho-down And Your Girlfriend Hits The Floor.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Wish Your Outhouse Was As Nice As Those At The State Park.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups.

People Should See Your Faith. If All You Do Is Talk About Your Faith And People Don't See It, But They Ought To See It In The Way You Treat Your Family, You Treat Your Friends, You Treat Your Community.

It's Like Cuddling With A Butterball Turkey.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Still Scalping Tickets After The Concert Is Over.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Receptionist Checks The Rat Traps At Your Place Of Business.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Wants To Stop At The Gas Station To See If They've Got The New Darrell Waltrip Budweiser Wall Clock.

I Know If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Work With A Shirt Off... And So Does Your Husband.

I Actually Had A Chance To Be In Delta Farce, But I Couldn't Do It Because I Read The Script.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Saved Lots Of Money On Your Honeymoon By Going Deer Hunting.

Talking With Gary Busey Is Kinda Like Sex. You Want To Do It, You Just Don't Want To Be Alone When You Do It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your 'huntin Dog' Cost More Than The Truck You Drive Him Around In.

If You Have Ever Spray-painted Your Girlfriends Name On An Overpass, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Hauled A Can Of Paint To The Top Of A Water Tower To Defend Your Sister's Honor.

We Sing About God Because We Believe In Him. We Are Not Trying To Offend Anybody, But The Evidence That We Have Seen Of Him In Our Small Little Lives Trumps Your Opinion About Whether Or Not He Exists.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Classes At School Were Cancelled Because The Path To The Restroom Was Flooded.

All These Years I've Sat In Airports And Kind Of Drawn People And Put Like Far Side Captions On Them.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Go Outside To Get Something Out Of The Fridge.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking A Dip Has Nothing To Do With Water.

If You Don't Have Anything Good To Say About Someone, You Must Be Talking About Hillary Clinton.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your House Doesn't Have Curtains, But Your Truck Does.

If You Think 'loading The Dishwasher' Means 'getting Your Wife Drunk', You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Tore Her Best Dress Coon Hunting.

Have You Ever Seen People So Ugly That You Have To Get Someone Else To Verify It?

Sophisticated People Invest Their Money In Stock Portfolios. Rednecks Invest Their Money In Commemorative Plates.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking Your Wife On A Cruise Means Circling The Dairy Queen.

You Might Be A Redneck If In An Effort To Watch Your Cholesterol, You Eat Spam Lite.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Missed 5th Grade Graduation Because You Had Jury Duty.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

You Might Be A Redneck If Every Electrical Outlet In Your House Is A Fire Hazard.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Worn A Dress That Is Strapless With A Bra That Isn't.

We're A Heart Attack Away From Losing The Right To Bear Arms.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The Mountain Men In Deliverance Were Just Misunderstood.

My Whole Career Can Be Summed Up With 'ignorance Is Bliss.' When You Do Not Know Better, You Do Not Really Worry About Failing.

Hell, When I Was In High School, A "drive-by Shooting" Meant Somebody Had Their Rear End Hanging Out A Car Window!

I Just Love People. I Love This Country. I Am The American Dream. I Grew Up By The Airport With A Dirt Yard. Never In My Life Should I Have Been A Success. So That's What I Love About This Country [usa], Is You Get Out There And You Have The Opportunity And You Work Hard At It, And You Can Be A Success.

We Probably Stagnate Our Children's Emotional Growth By Not Letting Them Have Some Separation From Us.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The Governor To Spare A Loved One.

As An Actor, There Was That Freedom Of Not Having To Worry About Lights Or Marks Or Other People. It Was Just Going Out There And Having Fun With The Character.

If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

Pride Is The First Step In People Unraveling And Companies Unraveling And Relationships Unraveling.

I Got My Wife A Mood Ring. It Works Real Good! When Shes In A Good Mood It Turns Blue, But When Shes In A Bad Mood Theres A Red Mark Across My Forehead

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are More Than Ten Lawsuits Currently Pending Against Your Dog.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

You Might Be A Redneck If During Your Senior Year You And Your Mother Had Homeroom Together.

I Would Love For Someone To Offer Me A Serious Part In Something. I Don't Know If I Could Even Pull It Off, But I Would Like To Be The Cowboy That Rides Off And Someone Shoots Him Off The Horse In The Middle Of Town. Just A Serious Role. It Wouldn't Have To Be A Big One.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Use A Radiator Hose To Fix Your Kitchen Sink.

Women In Bed Are Like Diesel Engines. What I Mean By That Is, It May Take Them A While To Get Going, But When You Do, They Can Go For A Long, Long Time. Whereas Men Are Like... Bottle Rockets.

You Moon The Wrong Person At An Office Party And Suddenly You're Not 'professional' Any More.

By The Time We Get To Church, I Need Church Cuz I've Been Yelled At By Everyone In The Family.

As An Individual, As A Household, You Can't Spend More Money Than You're Bringing In. You Can Do It For A Little While, But You End Up Going Broke And You End Up Losing Everything You Have. That Is The Path That We're On As A Country, And It Scares Me To Death.

Losing Everything

It's Sad When You See Somebody That Talented That Passes Away And Doesn't Have To.

I Was Talking To Alan Jackson. He Had His Second Greatest Hits Album. He Said, You Don't Ever Get Into This Really Thinking You're Gonna Make It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Every Episode Of Hee Haw On Tape.

I Don't Know Why My Brain Has Kept All The Words To The Gilligan's Island Theme Song And Has Deleted Everything About Triangles.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

The Things That I'm Talking About Not Knowing, They're Not Mysteries Of The Universe; It's Just Stuff I Thought I Would Know By The Time I Was Thirty-nine.

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Belt Buckle Weighs More Than Three Pounds.

If You Can't Remember The Last Time You Had Sex With A Woman, You're Either Gay, Or Married.

I Have Never Been Jealous. Not Even When My Dad Finished Fifth Grade A Year Before I Did.

Whatever Cleaning Goes On On The Planet, Women Do 99% Of It. But See, Women Are Not As Proud Of Their 99% As Men Are Of Our One! We Clean Something Up, We're Gonna Talk About It All Year Long. It Might Be On The News, You Don't Know. A Woman Could Be Out Re-paving The Driveway. Men Actually Have Enough Gall To Run Out On The Porch And Go "hey Baby? Man, It's Hot As Hell Out Here, Ain't It! Look, Don't Worry About Emptyin' That Ashtray In The Den, I Done Got It, All Right? Did It For You, Sweet Pea. I'm Gonna Go Take A Nap Now, All Right?"

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt?

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt? You Put On Something From The Cleaners, They're Gonna Spit Up Just Like That. My Wardrobe Looks Like We Have Condors Living In Our Yard.

When You Get To Your Third Millionth Frequent Flyer Mile, I Think Something Snaps In Your Brain.

Nowadays You Can't Even Spank Your Kids. No, Gotta Give 'em A Time Out. My Dad Would Take Time Out Of His Busy Day... To Whip Our Ass.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Biggest Ambition In Life Is To Git That Big Ole Coon. The One What Hangs 'round Over Yonder, Back'ah Bubba's Barn.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Flowers Planted In A Bathroom Appliance In Your Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think People That Send Out Graduation Announcements Are Show-offs.

If Your Thighs Look Like The Hood Of A White Toyota Minivan After A Hailstorm, You Aren't Juicy.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Tobacco Chewers In Your Family Aren't Just Men.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Calls You Over To Help, Cause She Has A Flat Tire On Her House.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Gives You Tips On How To Sneak Booze Into Sporting Events.

Changing A Diaper Is A Lot Like Getting A Present From Your Grandmother - You're Not Sure What You've Got But You're Pretty Sure You're Not Going To Like It.

You Know, I Remember Career Day In High School. I Remember Plumbers And Lawyers... I Don't Remember A Booth Where You Could Sign Up To Learn How To Shoot Chickens Out Of A Cannon At The Windshield Of An Airplane, 'cause There Would Have Been A Line At My School To Do That!

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Color Coordinating Rope That Ties Down Your Car Hood.

You Might Be A Redneck If You See A Sign That Says Say No To Crack And It Reminds You To Pull Your Jeans Up.

I Used To Say That Whenever People Heard My Southern Accent, They Always Wanted To Deduct 100 Iq Points.

If Your Stomach Blocks Your View Of Your Feet, Cover It Up! The Only People Who Should Be Wearing Belly Shirts Are People Who Don't Have Bellies. Now Those Little Baby Spare Tires Are Kinda Cute; Tractor Tires Aren't! Especially If They've Got Hair On Them!

You Break Into My House, I Will Shoot You. My Wife Will Shoot You And Then Spend Thirty Minutes Telling You Why She Shot You.

I Love Comedy. God Has Given Me This Platform.

You Might Be A Redneck If Getting A Package From Your Post Office Requires A Full Tank Of Gas In The Truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Someone Tells You You Have Something In Your Teeth, And You Take Them Out To See What It Is.

I've Got Nothing Against Tattoos. I Don't Have One Myself. If I Did, It Would Be Right There Next To My Watch. It Would Say "your Wife's Birthday Is August 2nd, Your Anniversary Is September 18th, Don't Let Ron White Drive Your Car Again."

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

You May Be A Redneck If... Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own A Fireworks Stand.

You Might Be A Redneck If Three Quarters Of The Clothes You Own Have Logos On Them.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Look Upon A Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet 'ms. Right

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Leave Your House, You Are Followed By Federal Agents Of The Bureau Of Alcohol Tobacco And Firearms, And The Only Thing You Worry About Is If You Can Lose Them Or Not.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Anniversary Present Was Getting The Septic Tank Pumped.

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Only Condiment On The Dining Room Table Is The Economy Size Bottle Of Ketchup.

I Hope Someday We Can Stamp Out Illiteracy In America. Of Course You'll Have To Kill Alot Of My Relatives To Do It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Won't Stop At A Rest Area If You Have An Empty Beer Can In The Car.

You Might Be A Redneck If Directions To Your House Include Turn Off The Paved Road.

I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

Being A Comedian, People Tell Me Stuff They Shouldn't Tell Their Therapist.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Grow Vidalia Onions, Rather Than Considering Them A Gourmet Item.

I Don't Necessarily Think Of It As Southern Comedy. I Just Think I'm A Comedian And I Have A Southern Accent.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Dated Your Daddy's Current Wife In High School.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Hood And One Door Are A Different Color From The Rest Of Your Car.

For The First Time Ever I Was Taking The Family On The Road. We Stayed With My In-laws, Which On Life's List Of Experiences Ranks Right Below Sitting In A Tub Full Of Scissors.

To Me, The Media In New York And La Have Always Missed The Essence Of This Country.

You Might Be A Redneck If Exxon And Conoco Have Offered You Royalties For Your Hair.

Between New York And La, There's 200 Million People That Aren't Hip, And They Don't Want To Be Hip.

Do You Know Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder? 'cause There's No Dental Records And All The Dna Is The Same.

That's Just Something Instinctual Within Men. We Always Feel Like We've Got To Protect Our Stuff. Even If It's Not Worth Protecting, We Want To Protect It. You Ever Seen People Who Have Like A Piece Of Crap Pinto With A Club On The Steering Wheel. Somebody Breaks The Window, Steals The Club, Leaves The Pinto In A Pile Of Glass.

I Wish I Could Relate To The People I'm Related To.

Kids Aren't Suppose To Have Cancer, They're Suppose To Have A Future.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.

Because Criminals Know That When They See A House With 2 Foot Tall Grass, A Dog On A Chain, And An Engine Hanging From A Tree, A Gun Lives In That House. And If You Want To Know What Kind, Just Break In At 2 In The Morning.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Stand Under The Mistletoe At Christmas And Wait For Granny And Cousin Sue-ellen To Walk By.

I'm An Outdoor Nut. If I'm Not Working, I'm On A Tractor On My Farm, Hunting, Fishing Or Climbing A Mountain.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The O.j. Trial Was The Big Sunkist And Minutemaid Taste Test.

You Might Be A Redneck If More Than One Living Relative Is Named After A Southern Civil War General.

Nothing In Life Prepares You To Be Famous.

If You've Ever Made Change In The Offering Plate, You Might Be A Redneck.

My Father-in-law Gets Up At 5 O'clock In The Morning And Watches The Discovery Channel. I Don't Know Why There's This Big Rush To Do This.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Are Still Holding On To Confederate Money Because You Think The South Will Rise Again.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Antenna On Your Truck Is A Danger To Low Flying Airplanes.

If You Own A Home With Wheels On It And Several Cars Without, You Just Might Be A Redneck.

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Would Rather Go The Racetrack Than The Kennedy Center.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.

My Wife Is Like, You Finally Get Your Own Tv Show, You Can Have Any Kind Of Car You Want And You Get A Darned Truck. But My Brother And I Have The Same Kind Of Truck Now.

This Happened To Me Last Week. We're In The Process Of Remodeling Our House; We've Been Doing It For A While Now. And We Have The Painters In, Putting Sheets Up Around The Furniture, You Know? And We Have A Piano, Just A Regular, Up Against The Wall Piano. One Of The Painters Said To Me, "is That Y'all's Piano?" I Said, "nah, That's Our Coffee Table, It Just Has Buckteeth! Here's Your Sign!

Please Don't Get Me Wrong Here. I'm Not Making Fun Of Old People. In Fact I Think That's The Goal Of Everybody Here Tonite. We All Want To Be An Old Person Someday.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you've Been On Tv More Than Times Describing The Sound Of A Tornado.

If You Think Fast Food Is Hittin A Deer Att 65 Miles Per Hr.. You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If You Were Shooting Pool When Your Kids Were Born.

You Might Be A Redneck If It's Easier To Spray Weed Killer On Your Lawn Than Mow It.

If Your Idea Of A 7 Course Meal Is A Bucket Of Kfc And A Sixpack, You Might Be A Redneck.

I'm Very Lucky In That I've Gotten To Do A Lot Of Things. But If You Ever Put A Gun To My Head And Said, "you Can Only Do One," I'd Think It Would Be Stand-up. I Think It's The Coolest Job In The World.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Parakeet Knows The Phrase Open Up, Police!

A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Hunting Dog Has A Bigger Tombstone Than Your Grandfather.

You Find Out That All This Stuff You've Accumulated, You Could Care Less About It. It's Just The Relationships That Matter.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider A Good Tan To Be The Back Of Your Neck And The Left Arm Below The Shirt Sleeve.

If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Satellite Dish Payment Delays Buying School Clothes For The Kids.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Most Expensive Shoes Have Numbers On The Heels.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Mother Has Been Involved In A Fist Fight At A High School Sports Event.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Daughter's Barbie's Dream House Has A Clothesline In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Highlight Of Your Parties Is When You Flip Out Your False Teeth.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Pork And Beans To Be A Gourmet Food.

You May Be A Redneck If . . . You Think You Are An Entrepreneur Because Of The "dirt For Sale" Sign In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Best Way To Keep Things Cold Is To Leave'em In The Shade.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Sophisticated Show-biz Cousin Is A Rodeo Clown.

I Tried Real Hard To Play Golf, And I Was So Bad At It They Would Have To Check Me For Ticks At The End Of The Round Because I'd Spent About Half The Day In The Woods.

It's A Weird Sensation To Be Mad And Learning At The Same Time.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can Tell Your Age By The Number Of Rings In The Bathtub.

Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think Silence Of The Lambs Is What Happens When Larry Walks Out To The Barn.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Can Correctly Execute The Sleeper Hold.

If Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have Those Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Is A Sheet Hanging In Your Closet And A Gun Rack Hanging In Your Truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Little House On The Prairie For Decorating Tips.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Salvation Army Declines Your Mattress.

That's The Great Thing About A Tractor. You Can't Really Hear The Phone Ring.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Turned On By A Woman Who Can Field Dress A Deer.

I'm Two Decisions Away From Putting Up Drywall For A Living. I Am, And There's Nothing Wrong With That, But Whatever I Got, It's Through The Grace Of God, And I've Got To Use It Right.

I've Got Keys To Crap I've Never Owned. You Put All My Keys Together I Could Be A High School Janitor Tonight.

Ladies Have Come Up With All These Expressions To Reassure Men. "oh, Honey, It's Not The Size Of The Ship, It's The Motion Of The Ocean." That May Be True, But It Takes A Long Time To Get To England In A Rowboat.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Coffee Table Used To Be A Telephone Cable Spool.

What I Hated Was Doing What Somebody In La Thought Jeff Foxworthy Ought To Do.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Very Special Baseball Cap, Just For Formal Occasions.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Move Your Refrigerator And The Grass Underneath It Has Turned Yellow.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stood In Line To Get Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of Nature.

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