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People Should See Your Faith. If All You Do Is Talk About Your Faith And People Don't See It, But They Ought To See It In The Way You Treat Your Family, You Treat Your Friends, You Treat Your Community.

-Jeff Foxworthy

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People Should See Your

Jeff Foxworthy

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People Should See Your Faith. If All You Do Is Talk About Your Faith And People Don't See It, But They Ought To See It In The Way You Treat Your Family, You Treat Your Friends, You Treat Your Community.

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Because Criminals Know That When They See A House With 2 Foot Tall Grass, A Dog On A Chain, And An Engine Hanging From A Tree, A Gun Lives In That House. And If You Want To Know What Kind, Just Break In At 2 In The Morning.

As A Comedian I Appreciate Every Kind Of Comedy. You Decide For Yourself What You're Going To Do.

If You Own A Home With Wheels On It And Several Cars Without, You Just Might Be A Redneck.

By The Time We Get To Church, I Need Church Cuz I've Been Yelled At By Everyone In The Family.

Kids Aren't Suppose To Have Cancer, They're Suppose To Have A Future.

I Just Love People. I Love This Country. I Am The American Dream. I Grew Up By The Airport With A Dirt Yard. Never In My Life Should I Have Been A Success. So That's What I Love About This Country [usa], Is You Get Out There And You Have The Opportunity And You Work Hard At It, And You Can Be A Success.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Bumper Sticker Says, My Other Car Is A Combine.

If You Ever Start Feeling Like You Have The Goofiest, Craziest, Most Dysfunctional Family In The World, All You Have To Do Is Go To A State Fair. Because Five Minutes At The Fair, You'll Be Going, 'you Know, We're Alright. We Are Dang Near Royalty.'

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Belt Buckle Weighs More Than Three Pounds.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Still Scalping Tickets After The Concert Is Over.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Would Rather Go The Racetrack Than The Kennedy Center.

Changing A Diaper Is A Lot Like Getting A Present From Your Grandmother - You're Not Sure What You've Got But You're Pretty Sure You're Not Going To Like It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That The Styrofoam Cooler Is The Greatest Invention Of All Time.

Women In Bed Are Like Diesel Engines. What I Mean By That Is, It May Take Them A While To Get Going, But When You Do, They Can Go For A Long, Long Time. Whereas Men Are Like... Bottle Rockets.

As A Comic, You Learn To Use Your Voice Because You Don't Have The Benefit Of Visual Things.

Being A Comedian, People Tell Me Stuff They Shouldn't Tell Their Therapist.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Dolls Clothes

In My Life, I Have Driven Some Crappy Vehicles. But I Have Never Been So Desperate For A Vehicle That I Wanted A Used Rental Car.

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt? You Put On Something From The Cleaners, They're Gonna Spit Up Just Like That. My Wardrobe Looks Like We Have Condors Living In Our Yard.

We Sing About God Because We Believe In Him. We Are Not Trying To Offend Anybody, But The Evidence That We Have Seen Of Him In Our Small Little Lives Trumps Your Opinion About Whether Or Not He Exists.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Gives You Tips On How To Sneak Booze Into Sporting Events.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Won't Stop At A Rest Area If You Have An Empty Beer Can In The Car.

Sophisticated People Invest Their Money In Stock Portfolios. Rednecks Invest Their Money In Commemorative Plates.

It's Not My Dreams That Get Me In Trouble, It's What My Wife Dreams I Did. My Wife Punched Me In The Middle Of The Night; I Woke Up And Went Oww! What Was That For?, And She Goes I Dreamt You Were Making Out With Faith Hill. I Said I Wasn't Dreaming Anything! Send Her Over To My Dreams, And We'll Both Be Happy.

If You Think The Last Four Words To The National Anthem Are " Gentleman, Start Your Engines", You Might Be A Redneck.

The Things That I'm Talking About Not Knowing, They're Not Mysteries Of The Universe; It's Just Stuff I Thought I Would Know By The Time I Was Thirty-nine.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Vehicle Has A Two-tone Paint Job - Primer Red And Primer Gray.

You Might Be A Redneck If Motel 6 Turns Off The Lights When They See You Coming.

I Notice My Wife When She's On The Phone With Her Friends, Man They Will Share Every Animate Details Of Their Lives With Each Other. See Men Once We Become Friends With Another Man We May Never Say Another Word To Him, Unless There's Valuable Information That Needs To Be Exchanged. Things Like "hey Jim, Your Shirt's On Fire."

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Beer Can Collection Is Considered A Tourist Attraction In Your Home Town.

For The First Time Ever I Was Taking The Family On The Road. We Stayed With My In-laws, Which On Life's List Of Experiences Ranks Right Below Sitting In A Tub Full Of Scissors.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite T-shirt Is Offensive In Thirteen States.

I Used To Say That Whenever People Heard My Southern Accent, They Always Wanted To Deduct 100 Iq Points.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Receptionist Checks The Rat Traps At Your Place Of Business.

I'm Two Decisions Away From Putting Up Drywall For A Living. I Am, And There's Nothing Wrong With That, But Whatever I Got, It's Through The Grace Of God, And I've Got To Use It Right.

It's Like Cuddling With A Butterball Turkey.

Whatever Cleaning Goes On On The Planet, Women Do 99% Of It. But See, Women Are Not As Proud Of Their 99% As Men Are Of Our One! We Clean Something Up, We're Gonna Talk About It All Year Long. It Might Be On The News, You Don't Know. A Woman Could Be Out Re-paving The Driveway. Men Actually Have Enough Gall To Run Out On The Porch And Go "hey Baby? Man, It's Hot As Hell Out Here, Ain't It! Look, Don't Worry About Emptyin' That Ashtray In The Den, I Done Got It, All Right? Did It For You, Sweet Pea. I'm Gonna Go Take A Nap Now, All Right?"

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Picture Of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Or Elvis Over Your Fireplace.

You Might Be A Redneck If Santa Claus Refuses To Let Your Kids Sit In His Lap.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Is A Sheet Hanging In Your Closet And A Gun Rack Hanging In Your Truck.

It's Hard To Think Of Yourself As A Loser At 2 Years Old.

You Find Out That All This Stuff You've Accumulated, You Could Care Less About It. It's Just The Relationships That Matter.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Christmas Present Was A Painting On Black Velvet.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Daughter's Barbie's Dream House Has A Clothesline In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Leave Your House, You Are Followed By Federal Agents Of The Bureau Of Alcohol Tobacco And Firearms, And The Only Thing You Worry About Is If You Can Lose Them Or Not.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

If Someone At Fleet Farm Offers You Assistance And They Don't Work There You Might Live In Wisconsin.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

You Moon The Wrong Person At An Office Party And Suddenly You're Not 'professional' Any More.

You Might Be A Redneck If People Hear Your Car Long Before They See It.

The Stuff That Made Me Mad 20 Years Ago Doesn't Really Make Me Mad Any More.

All These Years I've Sat In Airports And Kind Of Drawn People And Put Like Far Side Captions On Them.

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt?

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.

If You Know All 4 Seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter And Road Construction, You May Live In Canada

Please Don't Get Me Wrong Here. I'm Not Making Fun Of Old People. In Fact I Think That's The Goal Of Everybody Here Tonite. We All Want To Be An Old Person Someday.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.

How Is A Redneck Divorce Similar To A Tornado? You Know That Somewhere, Somehow, Someone Is Gonna Lose A Trailer.

You Might Be A Redneck If Someone Tells You You Have Something In Your Teeth, And You Take Them Out To See What It Is.

If Your Neighbors Think You're A Detective Because A Cop Always Brings You Home, You Might Be A Redneck.

If You Have A Complete Set Of Salad Bowls And They All Say Kool Whip On The Side, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can Amuse Yourself For More Than An Hour With A Fly Swatter.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider A Good Tan To Be The Back Of Your Neck And The Left Arm Below The Shirt Sleeve.

If Men Have A Smell It's Usually An Accident.

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I Love Comedy. God Has Given Me This Platform.

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You Take A Normal Guy, Give Him A Wife, Give Them Time, And You've Got An Idiot!

I Don't Know Why My Brain Has Kept All The Words To The Gilligan's Island Theme Song And Has Deleted Everything About Triangles.

You May Be A Redneck If . . . You Think You Are An Entrepreneur Because Of The "dirt For Sale" Sign In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Antenna On Your Truck Is A Danger To Low Flying Airplanes.

You Can Call Us Rednecks If You Want. We're Not Offended, 'cause We Know What We're All About. We Get Up And Go To Work, We Get Up And Go To Church, And We Get Up And Go To War When Necessary.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Color Coordinating Rope That Ties Down Your Car Hood.

My Grandma's The Most Careful, Safe Driver In The World. You Put Her In A Rental Car, And She's Doing Doughnuts In The K-mart Parking Lot!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Biggest Ambition In Life Is To Git That Big Ole Coon. The One What Hangs 'round Over Yonder, Back'ah Bubba's Barn.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you Think That John Deere Green, Ford Blue, And Primer Gray Are The Three Of The Primary Colors.

We're A Heart Attack Away From Losing The Right To Bear Arms.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Own All The Components Of Soap On A Rope Except The Soap.

If You Think 'loading The Dishwasher' Means 'getting Your Wife Drunk', You Might Be A Redneck

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Only Condiment On The Dining Room Table Is The Economy Size Bottle Of Ketchup.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Pork And Beans To Be A Gourmet Food.

When You're Young And You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex You Take Sex Everytime. You Start Getting Older, You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex, You Choose Sleep And Just Hope You Have A Dream About Sex.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Boat Has Not Left The Driveway In 15 Years.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Anniversary Present Was Getting The Septic Tank Pumped.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Stand Under The Mistletoe At Christmas And Wait For Granny And Cousin Sue-ellen To Walk By.

Buying A Used Rental Car Is Kind Of Like Going To A House Of Ill Repute Looking For A Wife. Anything That's Been Driven That Hard By That Many People, You Really Don't Want To Put Your Key In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Satellite Dish Payment Delays Buying School Clothes For The Kids.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Your License Plate Personalized Because Your Dad Made It In Prison.

When You Get To Your Third Millionth Frequent Flyer Mile, I Think Something Snaps In Your Brain.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Need One More Hole Punched In Your Card To Get A Freebie At The House Of Tattoos.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your 'huntin Dog' Cost More Than The Truck You Drive Him Around In.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think People That Send Out Graduation Announcements Are Show-offs.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

You Break Into My House, I Will Shoot You. My Wife Will Shoot You And Then Spend Thirty Minutes Telling You Why She Shot You.

Redneck Is: The Glorious Absence Of Sophistication

People Are Like, Hey, Jeff, Lemme Tell You... I'm Like, Hold On, Let Me Get A Pen And A Piece Of Paper.

I've Got Keys To Crap I've Never Owned. You Put All My Keys Together I Could Be A High School Janitor Tonight.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Kids Are Going Hungry Tonight Because You Just Had To Have Those Yosemite Sam Mud Flaps.

It's Sad When You See Somebody That Talented That Passes Away And Doesn't Have To.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The O.j. Trial Was The Big Sunkist And Minutemaid Taste Test.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Been Fired From A Construction Job Because Of Your Appearance.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Expired License Plate Means Another Decoration For Your Living Room Wall.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Turned On By A Woman Who Can Field Dress A Deer.

You Might Be A Redneck If A Full-grown Ostrich Has Fewer Feathers Than Your Cowboy Hat.

My Wife Is Like, You Finally Get Your Own Tv Show, You Can Have Any Kind Of Car You Want And You Get A Darned Truck. But My Brother And I Have The Same Kind Of Truck Now.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave A Bingo Game Because Of Her Language.

If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

You May Be A Redneck If... You Have Spent More On Your Pickup Truck Than On Your Education.

Every Generation Thinks They Invented Sex, Which Is The Stupidest Assumption In The World Because If That Was The Case, You Wouldn't Even Be Here.

If You Don't Have Anything Good To Say About Someone, You Must Be Talking About Hillary Clinton.

People Would Say, Can We Develop A Sitcom Around You? And I Would Say, Not Interested. I'm Very Happy Doing Standup And Writing And Taking My Kids To School.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you've Been On Tv More Than Times Describing The Sound Of A Tornado.

I Don't Necessarily Think Of It As Southern Comedy. I Just Think I'm A Comedian And I Have A Southern Accent.

I'll Just Have Itchy, Watery Eyes!

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stolen Toilet Paper From A Public Restroom.

You Might Be A Redneck If More Than One Living Relative Is Named After A Southern Civil War General.

If Your Stomach Blocks Your View Of Your Feet, Cover It Up! The Only People Who Should Be Wearing Belly Shirts Are People Who Don't Have Bellies. Now Those Little Baby Spare Tires Are Kinda Cute; Tractor Tires Aren't! Especially If They've Got Hair On Them!

I'm An Outdoor Nut. If I'm Not Working, I'm On A Tractor On My Farm, Hunting, Fishing Or Climbing A Mountain.

If You Think Fast Food Is Hittin A Deer Att 65 Miles Per Hr.. You Might Be A Redneck

My Wife Is So Analytical With Raising Kids, And I Am Not. My Feeling Is If They Turn Out Good, Then That Means I Was A Good Daddy And Put A Lot Of Effort Into It. If They Turn Out Bad, It Means They Took After Her Side Of The Family.

Ladies Have Come Up With All These Expressions To Reassure Men. "oh, Honey, It's Not The Size Of The Ship, It's The Motion Of The Ocean." That May Be True, But It Takes A Long Time To Get To England In A Rowboat.

I Wish I Could Relate To The People I'm Related To.

I Would Love For Someone To Offer Me A Serious Part In Something. I Don't Know If I Could Even Pull It Off, But I Would Like To Be The Cowboy That Rides Off And Someone Shoots Him Off The Horse In The Middle Of Town. Just A Serious Role. It Wouldn't Have To Be A Big One.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Go Outside To Get Something Out Of The Fridge.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Wish Your Outhouse Was As Nice As Those At The State Park.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Worn A Dress That Is Strapless With A Bra That Isn't.

I Know If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy.

When I Was A Kid, My Parents Had A 900-pound Television On Top Of A Tv Tray. My Dad's Theory Was, 'let Him Pull It Over His Head A Few Times, He'll Learn.'

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider A Six-pack And A Bug-zapper High-quality Entertainment.

If Your Thighs Look Like The Hood Of A White Toyota Minivan After A Hailstorm, You Aren't Juicy.

Watching A Baby Being Born Is A Little Like Watching A Wet St. Bernard Coming In Through The Cat Door.

There's No Down Time Any More.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go To A Tupperware Party For A Haircut.

Comics Don't Usually Have Very Long Careers, And I'm 22 Years Into This.

A Lot Of People Up North, They Think Everybody From The South Is Married To Their Sister And Has Seen A Ufo. I Told Them, 'i'm Just Dating My Sister And Couldn't Swear That It Wasn't A Weather Balloon.'

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking Your Wife On A Cruise Means Circling The Dairy Queen.

If Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Every Episode Of Hee Haw On Tape.

If You've Ever Made Change In The Offering Plate, You Might Be A Redneck.

I Think For One Thing, Kids Are A Lot Smarter Now Then We Ever Were.

If Your Idea Of A 7 Course Meal Is A Bucket Of Kfc And A Sixpack, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are More Than Ten Lawsuits Currently Pending Against Your Dog.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Episode Of Walker, Texas Ranger Changed Your Life.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Father Encourages You To Quit School Because Larry Has An Opening On The Lube Rack.

You Have To Change Those Diapers Every Day. When Those Directions On The Side Of The Pampers Box Say, 'holds 6-12 Pounds' They're Not Kidding!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Good Deed For The Month Was Hiding Your Brother For A Few Days.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Need An Estimate From Your Barber Before You Get A Haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck If Every Electrical Outlet In Your House Is A Fire Hazard.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Hauled A Can Of Paint To The Top Of A Water Tower To Defend Your Sister's Honor.

Louisiana Has The Best Food On The Planet If You Don't Really Ask Too Much About What You're Eating.

If The Gas Pedal On Your Car Is Shaped Like A Bare Foot, You Might Be A Redneck.

If You Can't Remember The Last Time You Had Sex With A Woman, You're Either Gay, Or Married.

There's A Whole Segment Of The Population With A Mentality That Bases Good Times On Where They Can Go And What They Can Buy.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Primary Source Of Income Is The Pawn Shop.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Classes At School Were Cancelled Because The Path To The Restroom Was Flooded.

The More Excited The Rooster Gets, The Higher His Voice Goes. He's Got A Little Bit Of A Barney Fife Quality To Him.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Has A Beer Belly And You Find It Attractive.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Move Your Refrigerator And The Grass Underneath It Has Turned Yellow.

Hell, When I Was In High School, A "drive-by Shooting" Meant Somebody Had Their Rear End Hanging Out A Car Window!

You Might Be A Redneck If Getting A Package From Your Post Office Requires A Full Tank Of Gas In The Truck.

That's Just Something Instinctual Within Men. We Always Feel Like We've Got To Protect Our Stuff. Even If It's Not Worth Protecting, We Want To Protect It. You Ever Seen People Who Have Like A Piece Of Crap Pinto With A Club On The Steering Wheel. Somebody Breaks The Window, Steals The Club, Leaves The Pinto In A Pile Of Glass.

That's The Great Thing About A Tractor. You Can't Really Hear The Phone Ring.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can Tell Your Age By The Number Of Rings In The Bathtub.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Keep A Fly Swatter In The Front Seat Of The Car So You Can Reach Your Kids In The Back Seat Of The Car.

You Might Be A Redneck If Three Quarters Of The Clothes You Own Have Logos On Them.

If You Think A Quaterhorse Is That Ride In Front Of Kmart.. You Might Be A Rednneck

If You Have Ever Spray-painted Your Girlfriends Name On An Overpass, You Might Be A Redneck.

I Think With A Comedian, When You Get To The Point Of A Greatest Hits, It's Kind Of An Acknowledgment That You've Been Doing Stand-up A Long Time, Which Not Very Many People Do.

Now, It's True I Married My Wife For Her Looks... But Not The Ones She's Been Givin' Me Lately.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Hunting Dog Has A Bigger Tombstone Than Your Grandfather.

To Me, The Media In New York And La Have Always Missed The Essence Of This Country.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have A Very Special Baseball Cap, Just For Formal Occasions.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandfather Completely Executes The Pull My Finger Trick At The Family Reunion.

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Were Shooting Pool When Your Kids Were Born.

You Might Be A Redneck If You See A Sign That Says Say No To Crack And It Reminds You To Pull Your Jeans Up.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Hood And One Door Are A Different Color From The Rest Of Your Car.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Tore Her Best Dress Coon Hunting.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Can Correctly Execute The Sleeper Hold.

I Always Wore Cowboy Boots And Drove A Truck, And Talked Like This. So Everywhere I Would Go In Comedy People Would Say, "foxworthy, You Ain't Nothing But A Redneck From Georgia!" It Kind Of Became A Formula Joke.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Wants To Stop At The Gas Station To See If They've Got The New Darrell Waltrip Budweiser Wall Clock.

If You're A Man And You've Ever Been Antique Shopping During A Big Football Game, You're Either Gay Or Married.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Had To Remove A Toothpick For Wedding Pictures.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Sophisticated Show-biz Cousin Is A Rodeo Clown.

You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

You Might Be A Redneck If On Your First Date You Had To Ask Your Dad To Borrow The Keys To The Tractor.

I've Gotten To The Point I Won't Even Watch The 11 O'clock News. You Just Walk Away From It Thinking How Bad Everything Is.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think Silence Of The Lambs Is What Happens When Larry Walks Out To The Barn.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Parakeet Knows The Phrase Open Up, Police!

If Your Working Television Sits On Top Of Your Non-working Television, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Richest Member Of Your Family Bought A House And You Have To Help Take The Wheels Off Of It.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Best Way To Keep Things Cold Is To Leave'em In The Shade.

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