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I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

-Jeff Foxworthy

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I Talked To Larry

Jeff Foxworthy

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I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

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For The First Time Ever I Was Taking The Family On The Road. We Stayed With My In-laws, Which On Life's List Of Experiences Ranks Right Below Sitting In A Tub Full Of Scissors.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Vehicle Has A Two-tone Paint Job - Primer Red And Primer Gray.

When I Did The Sitcom I Was Too Naive. I Thought, Well, They Know What They're Talking About, Let's Do That.

Please Don't Get Me Wrong Here. I'm Not Making Fun Of Old People. In Fact I Think That's The Goal Of Everybody Here Tonite. We All Want To Be An Old Person Someday.

You May Be A Redneck If . . . You Think You Are An Entrepreneur Because Of The "dirt For Sale" Sign In The Front Yard.

If You Ever Start Feeling Like You Have The Goofiest, Craziest, Most Dysfunctional Family In The World, All You Have To Do Is Go To A State Fair. Because Five Minutes At The Fair, You'll Be Going, 'you Know, We're Alright. We Are Dang Near Royalty.'

You Know, I Remember Career Day In High School. I Remember Plumbers And Lawyers... I Don't Remember A Booth Where You Could Sign Up To Learn How To Shoot Chickens Out Of A Cannon At The Windshield Of An Airplane, 'cause There Would Have Been A Line At My School To Do That!

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are More Than Ten Lawsuits Currently Pending Against Your Dog.

You Just May Be A Redneck If Your Lawn Furniture Used To Be Your Living Room Furniture.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Prominently Display A Gift You Bought At Graceland.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Gives You Tips On How To Sneak Booze Into Sporting Events.

In My Life, I Have Driven Some Crappy Vehicles. But I Have Never Been So Desperate For A Vehicle That I Wanted A Used Rental Car.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Can Correctly Execute The Sleeper Hold.

You Take A Normal Guy, Give Him A Wife, Give Them Time, And You've Got An Idiot!

I Don't Necessarily Think Of It As Southern Comedy. I Just Think I'm A Comedian And I Have A Southern Accent.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Refused To Watch The Academy Awards Since Smokey And The Bandit Was Snubbed For Best Picture.

If You Know All 4 Seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter And Road Construction, You May Live In Canada

You Might Be A Redneck If More Than One Living Relative Is Named After A Southern Civil War General.

You Might Be A Redneck If...the Most Serious Loss From The Earthquake Was Your Conway Twitty Record Collection.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite T-shirt Is Offensive In Thirteen States.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Are Still Holding On To Confederate Money Because You Think The South Will Rise Again.

By The Time We Get To Church, I Need Church Cuz I've Been Yelled At By Everyone In The Family.

If You Own A Home With Wheels On It And Several Cars Without, You Just Might Be A Redneck.

Ladies Have Come Up With All These Expressions To Reassure Men. "oh, Honey, It's Not The Size Of The Ship, It's The Motion Of The Ocean." That May Be True, But It Takes A Long Time To Get To England In A Rowboat.

If You Think Fast Food Is Hittin A Deer Att 65 Miles Per Hr.. You Might Be A Redneck

You May Be A Redneck If... You Have Spent More On Your Pickup Truck Than On Your Education.

I Say, If Everybody In This House Lives Where It's God First, Friends And Family Second And You Third, We Won't Ever Have An Argument.

Now, It's True I Married My Wife For Her Looks... But Not The Ones She's Been Givin' Me Lately.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Good Deed For The Month Was Hiding Your Brother For A Few Days.

You Might Be A Redneck If Three Quarters Of The Clothes You Own Have Logos On Them.

I've Got Nothing Against Tattoos. I Don't Have One Myself. If I Did, It Would Be Right There Next To My Watch. It Would Say "your Wife's Birthday Is August 2nd, Your Anniversary Is September 18th, Don't Let Ron White Drive Your Car Again."

I'm Two Decisions Away From Putting Up Drywall For A Living. I Am, And There's Nothing Wrong With That, But Whatever I Got, It's Through The Grace Of God, And I've Got To Use It Right.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can't Get Married To Your Sweetheart Because There Is A Law Against It.

Little Girls Love Dolls. They Just Don't Love Dolls Clothes

Do You Know Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder? 'cause There's No Dental Records And All The Dna Is The Same.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandfather Completely Executes The Pull My Finger Trick At The Family Reunion.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Worn A Dress That Is Strapless With A Bra That Isn't.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your House Doesn't Have Curtains, But Your Truck Does.

You Might Be A Redneck If...your Belt Buckle Weighs More Than Three Pounds.

As An Actor, There Was That Freedom Of Not Having To Worry About Lights Or Marks Or Other People. It Was Just Going Out There And Having Fun With The Character.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Christmas Present Was A Painting On Black Velvet.

Louisiana Has The Best Food On The Planet If You Don't Really Ask Too Much About What You're Eating.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think A Chain Saw Is A Musical Instrument.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Anniversary Present Was Getting The Septic Tank Pumped.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Need An Estimate From Your Barber Before You Get A Haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck If...you Bought A Vcr So You Could Tape Wrestling While You Are At Work.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Receptionist Checks The Rat Traps At Your Place Of Business.

How Is A Redneck Divorce Similar To A Tornado? You Know That Somewhere, Somehow, Someone Is Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Because Criminals Know That When They See A House With 2 Foot Tall Grass, A Dog On A Chain, And An Engine Hanging From A Tree, A Gun Lives In That House. And If You Want To Know What Kind, Just Break In At 2 In The Morning.

I Talked To Larry The Cable Guy The Other Day. Larry's Made More Money Than 10 People Should Ever Make In A Lifetime. He Was Excited Because He'd Gone Over To The Livestock Auction And Bought 20 New Feeder Pigs.

I Know If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy.

You Might Be A Redneck If Taking A Dip Has Nothing To Do With Water.

There's No Down Time Any More.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Ufo Hotline Limits You To One Call A Day.

You Might Be A Redneck If An Expired License Plate Means Another Decoration For Your Living Room Wall.

You Might Be A Redneck If Directions To Your House Include Turn Off The Paved Road.

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Run Out Of Gas, You Put Gin In The Gas Tank.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Had To Remove A Toothpick For Wedding Pictures.

That's Just Something Instinctual Within Men. We Always Feel Like We've Got To Protect Our Stuff. Even If It's Not Worth Protecting, We Want To Protect It. You Ever Seen People Who Have Like A Piece Of Crap Pinto With A Club On The Steering Wheel. Somebody Breaks The Window, Steals The Club, Leaves The Pinto In A Pile Of Glass.

If The Gas Pedal On Your Car Is Shaped Like A Bare Foot, You Might Be A Redneck.

If You Think 'loading The Dishwasher' Means 'getting Your Wife Drunk', You Might Be A Redneck

You Don't Get Married To Get Sex. Getting Married To Get Sex Is Like Buying A 747 To Get Free Peanuts.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stood In Line To Get Your Picture Taken With A Freak Of Nature.

Thank God I'm At That Point In My Career Where I Don't Have To Take Stuff That I Don't Really Want To Do.

Did You Know Babies Are Nauseated By The Smell Of A Clean Shirt?

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go Christmas Shopping For Your Mom, Sister, And Girlfriend, And You Only Need To Buy One Gift.

Hell, When I Was In High School, A "drive-by Shooting" Meant Somebody Had Their Rear End Hanging Out A Car Window!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Keeps A Can Of Vienna Sausage In Her Purse.

You Might Be A Redneck If When You Leave Your House, You Are Followed By Federal Agents Of The Bureau Of Alcohol Tobacco And Firearms, And The Only Thing You Worry About Is If You Can Lose Them Or Not.

You Might Be A Redneck If Somebody Hollers Ho-down And Your Girlfriend Hits The Floor.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Wants To Stop At The Gas Station To See If They've Got The New Darrell Waltrip Budweiser Wall Clock.

The Designated Driver Program, It's Not A Desirable Job. But If You Ever Get Sucked Into Doing It, Drop Them Off At The Wrong House.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Biggest Fashion Risk You Take Is Which Plaid You'll Wear To The 4-h Fair.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Salvation Army Declines Your Mattress.

Changing A Diaper Is A Lot Like Getting A Present From Your Grandmother - You're Not Sure What You've Got But You're Pretty Sure You're Not Going To Like It.

It's Like Cuddling With A Butterball Turkey.

People Should See Your Faith. If All You Do Is Talk About Your Faith And People Don't See It, But They Ought To See It In The Way You Treat Your Family, You Treat Your Friends, You Treat Your Community.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Stared At A Can Of Orange Juice Because It Said Concentrate.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Every Episode Of Hee Haw On Tape.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're A Lite Beer Drinker, Because You Start Drinking When It Gets Light.

If You Don't Have Anything Good To Say About Someone, You Must Be Talking About Hillary Clinton.

I've Been To All 50 States, And Traveled This Whole Country, And 90 Percent Of The People Are Good Folks. The Rest Of Them Take After The Other Side Of The Family.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Beer Can Collection Is Considered A Tourist Attraction In Your Home Town.

When You Get To Your Third Millionth Frequent Flyer Mile, I Think Something Snaps In Your Brain.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Local Ambulance Has A Trailer Hitch.

If The Veins In The Back Of Your Legs Look Like The Street Map Of Greater Pittsburgh, You Ain't Nobody's Babydoll.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Look Upon A Family Reunion As A Chance To Meet 'ms. Right

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I Used To Say That Whenever People Heard My Southern Accent, They Always Wanted To Deduct 100 Iq Points.

If Your Mother Doesn't Remove The Marlboro From Her Lips Before Telling The State Trooper To Kiss Her Ass, You Might Be A Redneck.

Whatever Cleaning Goes On On The Planet, Women Do 99% Of It. But See, Women Are Not As Proud Of Their 99% As Men Are Of Our One! We Clean Something Up, We're Gonna Talk About It All Year Long. It Might Be On The News, You Don't Know. A Woman Could Be Out Re-paving The Driveway. Men Actually Have Enough Gall To Run Out On The Porch And Go "hey Baby? Man, It's Hot As Hell Out Here, Ain't It! Look, Don't Worry About Emptyin' That Ashtray In The Den, I Done Got It, All Right? Did It For You, Sweet Pea. I'm Gonna Go Take A Nap Now, All Right?"

If You Have More Fish On Your Wall Than Pictures, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Highlight Of Your Parties Is When You Flip Out Your False Teeth.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider A Good Tan To Be The Back Of Your Neck And The Left Arm Below The Shirt Sleeve.

All These Years I've Sat In Airports And Kind Of Drawn People And Put Like Far Side Captions On Them.

As A Comic, You Learn To Use Your Voice Because You Don't Have The Benefit Of Visual Things.

Comics Don't Usually Have Very Long Careers, And I'm 22 Years Into This.

You Might Be A Redneck If The First Words Out Of Your Mouth Every Time You See Friends Are Howdy!, Hey! Or How Y'all Doin'?

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Classes At School Were Cancelled Because The Path To The Restroom Was Flooded.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Still Scalping Tickets After The Concert Is Over.

I've Gotten To The Point I Won't Even Watch The 11 O'clock News. You Just Walk Away From It Thinking How Bad Everything Is.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Moved To Tears Every Time You Hear Dolly Parton Singing I Will Always Love You.

You Might Be A Redneck If Motel 6 Turns Off The Lights When They See You Coming.

We're A Heart Attack Away From Losing The Right To Bear Arms.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Grow Vidalia Onions, Rather Than Considering Them A Gourmet Item.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Biggest Ambition In Life Is To Git That Big Ole Coon. The One What Hangs 'round Over Yonder, Back'ah Bubba's Barn.

The Only Negative About Doing Stand-up Is That You're On The Road By Yourself. When You're On The Road With Comics We Just Crack Each Other Up Every Night Going, "can You Believe They're Paying Us To Do This? They're Crazy.

It's Hard To Think Of Yourself As A Loser At 2 Years Old.

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Have You Ever Seen People So Ugly That You Have To Get Someone Else To Verify It?

You Might Be A Redneck If There Are Four Or More Cars Up On Blocks In The Front Yard.

Any Job That Posts A Price List For Your Body Parts Is A Bad Job.

You Might Be A Redneck If During Your Senior Year You And Your Mother Had Homeroom Together.

You Might Be A Redneck If... The Blue Book Value Of Your Truck Goes Up And Down Depending On How Much Gas It Has In It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Need One More Hole Punched In Your Card To Get A Freebie At The House Of Tattoos.

You Know That You Are A Teacher When You Spend More Money On School Stuff Than You Do On Your Own Children.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Entire Family Has Ever Sat Around Waiting For A Call From The Governor To Spare A Loved One.

I Had To Perform At The White House For The President, That's Always Kind Of A Weird Set To Try To Put Together.

You Moon The Wrong Person At An Office Party And Suddenly You're Not 'professional' Any More.

You May Be A Redneck If... Your Lifetime Goal Is To Own A Fireworks Stand.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think That Beef Jerky And Moon Pies Are Two Of The Major Food Groups.

[about Sex And Being Married] It's Like Being The National Guard, We May Not Be Seeing As Much Action As The Front Line, But We Are Living To Fight Another Day.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Use A Radiator Hose To Fix Your Kitchen Sink.

Country Music Is About New Love And It's About Old Love.

When You're Young And You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex You Take Sex Everytime. You Start Getting Older, You Get To Choose Between Sleep And Sex, You Choose Sleep And Just Hope You Have A Dream About Sex.

If Your Thighs Look Like The Hood Of A White Toyota Minivan After A Hailstorm, You Aren't Juicy.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Tore Her Best Dress Coon Hunting.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Consider Pork And Beans To Be A Gourmet Food.

As A Comedian I Appreciate Every Kind Of Comedy. You Decide For Yourself What You're Going To Do.

You Have To Change Those Diapers Every Day. When Those Directions On The Side Of The Pampers Box Say, 'holds 6-12 Pounds' They're Not Kidding!

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Grandmother Has Ever Been Asked To Leave A Bingo Game Because Of Her Language.

You Might Be A Redneck If You've Ever Hauled A Can Of Paint To The Top Of A Water Tower To Defend Your Sister's Honor.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wheelbarrow Breaks And It Takes Four Relatives To Figure Out How To Fix It.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Dog Can't Watch You Eat Without Gagging.

If Someone At Fleet Farm Offers You Assistance And They Don't Work There You Might Live In Wisconsin.

If Your Working Television Sits On Top Of Your Non-working Television, You Might Be A Redneck.

Look At Where Jesus Went To Pick People. He Didn't Go To The Colleges; He Got Guys Off The Fishing Docks.

I'll Just Have Itchy, Watery Eyes!

If Men Have A Smell It's Usually An Accident.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Keep A Fly Swatter In The Front Seat Of The Car So You Can Reach Your Kids In The Back Seat Of The Car.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Pocketknife Has Ever Been Referred To As Exhibit A.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think People That Send Out Graduation Announcements Are Show-offs.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Saved Lots Of Money On Your Honeymoon By Going Deer Hunting.

I Refuse To This Day To Do E-mail Because Everybody I Know That Does It, It Takes Another Two Or Three Hours A Day. I Don't Want To Give Two Or Three More Hours Away.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Home Shopping Channel Operator Recognizes Your Voice.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Calls You Over To Help, Cause She Has A Flat Tire On Her House.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Wife Has A Beer Belly And You Find It Attractive.

If You Can't Remember The Last Time You Had Sex With A Woman, You're Either Gay, Or Married.

That's The Great Thing About A Tractor. You Can't Really Hear The Phone Ring.

If Your Neighbors Think You're A Detective Because A Cop Always Brings You Home, You Might Be A Redneck.

It's A Weird Sensation To Be Mad And Learning At The Same Time.

The Things That I'm Talking About Not Knowing, They're Not Mysteries Of The Universe; It's Just Stuff I Thought I Would Know By The Time I Was Thirty-nine.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Momma Would Rather Go The Racetrack Than The Kennedy Center.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Little House On The Prairie For Decorating Tips.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Stand Under The Mistletoe At Christmas And Wait For Granny And Cousin Sue-ellen To Walk By.

You Might Be A Redneck If Someone Tells You You Have Something In Your Teeth, And You Take Them Out To See What It Is.

Sophisticated People Invest Their Money In Stock Portfolios. Rednecks Invest Their Money In Commemorative Plates.

People Would Say, Can We Develop A Sitcom Around You? And I Would Say, Not Interested. I'm Very Happy Doing Standup And Writing And Taking My Kids To School.

Some People Like To Keep Their Grass Cut Really Short, So They Can See The Intruders Coming. Keep Those Kill Zones Open. I Say Let The Grass Grow Tall So They Don't Know There's A House Behind It. Some Call It Lazy, I Say It's Thinking.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Go To A Tupperware Party For A Haircut.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Parakeet Knows The Phrase Open Up, Police!

You Might Be A Redneck If Santa Claus Refuses To Let Your Kids Sit In His Lap.

What I Hated Was Doing What Somebody In La Thought Jeff Foxworthy Ought To Do.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The Mountain Men In Deliverance Were Just Misunderstood.

You Might Be A Redneck If In An Effort To Watch Your Cholesterol, You Eat Spam Lite.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Refer To The Time You Won A Free Case Of Oil As The Day My Ship Came In.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Satellite Dish Payment Delays Buying School Clothes For The Kids.

This Happened To Me Last Week. We're In The Process Of Remodeling Our House; We've Been Doing It For A While Now. And We Have The Painters In, Putting Sheets Up Around The Furniture, You Know? And We Have A Piano, Just A Regular, Up Against The Wall Piano. One Of The Painters Said To Me, "is That Y'all's Piano?" I Said, "nah, That's Our Coffee Table, It Just Has Buckteeth! Here's Your Sign!

It's Sad When You See Somebody That Talented That Passes Away And Doesn't Have To.

I Always Wore Cowboy Boots And Drove A Truck, And Talked Like This. So Everywhere I Would Go In Comedy People Would Say, "foxworthy, You Ain't Nothing But A Redneck From Georgia!" It Kind Of Became A Formula Joke.

You Find Out That All This Stuff You've Accumulated, You Could Care Less About It. It's Just The Relationships That Matter.

You Might Be A Redneck If On Your First Date You Had To Ask Your Dad To Borrow The Keys To The Tractor.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Think The O.j. Trial Was The Big Sunkist And Minutemaid Taste Test.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have To Check In The Bottom Of Your Shoe For Change So You Can Get Grandma A New Plug Of Tobacco.

It Seems Like Movies That Have Heart To Them Always Do Well, And They Find Their Audience.

Between New York And La, There's 200 Million People That Aren't Hip, And They Don't Want To Be Hip.

My Grandma's The Most Careful, Safe Driver In The World. You Put Her In A Rental Car, And She's Doing Doughnuts In The K-mart Parking Lot!

You Might Be A Redneck If You Dated Your Daddy's Current Wife In High School.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Can Tell Your Age By The Number Of Rings In The Bathtub.

You Might Be A Redneck If The Tobacco Chewers In Your Family Aren't Just Men.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Move Your Refrigerator And The Grass Underneath It Has Turned Yellow.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Hammer Bottle Caps Into The Frame Of Your Front Door To Make It Look Nice.

If Your Wife's Hairdo Has Ever Been Ruined By A Ceiling Fan, You Might Be A Redneck.

You Might Be A Redneck If People Hear Your Car Long Before They See It.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Have Started A Petition To Change The National Anthem To Georgia On My Mind.

My Father-in-law Gets Up At 5 O'clock In The Morning And Watches The Discovery Channel. I Don't Know Why There's This Big Rush To Do This.

You Might Be A Redneck If You're Turned On By A Woman Who Can Field Dress A Deer.

I Wish I Could Relate To The People I'm Related To.

Nothing In Life Prepares You To Be Famous.

You Might Be A Redneck If You Watch Cartoons Long After Your Kids Get Bored.

You Might Be A Redneck If... Your High School Basketball Game Got Rained Out.

We Probably Stagnate Our Children's Emotional Growth By Not Letting Them Have Some Separation From Us.

You Might Be A Redneck If There Is A Sheet Hanging In Your Closet And A Gun Rack Hanging In Your Truck.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Bumper Sticker Says, My Other Car Is A Combine.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Daughter's Barbie's Dream House Has A Clothesline In The Front Yard.

You Might Be A Redneck If Your Favorite Hunting Dog Has A Bigger Tombstone Than Your Grandfather.

You Know You're A Redneck If Your Home Has Wheels And Your Car Doesn't.

I Really Don't Require A Whole Lot In Life.

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