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I Will Never Joke About Old Soldiers Who Try To Get To Reunions To Talk Over The War Again. To Talk Of Old Times With Old Friends Is The Greatest Thing In The World.

-Will Rogers

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I Will Never Joke

Will Rogers

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I Will Never Joke About Old Soldiers Who Try To Get To Reunions To Talk Over The War Again. To Talk Of Old Times With Old Friends Is The Greatest Thing In The World.

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Every Day You Meet A Delegation Going To Some Convention To Try And Change The Way Of Somebody Else's Life.

We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

Why One Ad Is Worth More To A Paper Than 40 Editorials.

Andrew Jackson Was The First One To Think Up The Idea To Promise Everybody That If They Will Vote For You, You Will Give Them An Office When You Get It, And The More Times They Vote For You, The Bigger The Office.

I Don't Think You Can Make A Lawyer Honest By An Act Of Legislature. You've Got To Work On His Conscience. And His Lack Of Conscience Is What Makes Him A Lawyer.

Congress Is Going To Start Tinkering With The Ten Commandments Just As Soon As They Find Someone In Washington Who Has Read Them.

Ten Commandments

We Never Will Have Any Prosperity That Is Free From Speculation Till We Pass A Law That Every Time A Broker Or Person Sells Something, He Has Got To Have It Sitting There In A Bucket, Or A Bag, Or A Jug, Or A Cage, Or A Rat Trap, Or Something, Depending On What It Is He Is Selling. We Are Continually Buying Something That We Never Get From A Man That Never Had It.

So Here We Are In A Country With More Wheat And Corn And More Money In The Bank, More Cotton, More Everything In The World-there's Not A Product That You Can Name That We Haven't Got More Of Than Any Other Country Ever Had On The Face Of The Earth-and Yet We've Got People Starving. We'll Hold The Distinction Of Being The Only Nation In The History Of The World That Ever Went To The Poor House In An Automobile.

There Is Nothing As Easy As Denouncing. It Don't Take Much To See That Something Is Wrong, But It Does Take Some Eyesight To See What Will Put It Right Again

Now I Am Not Unpatriotic, And I Want To Do My Bit, So I Hereby Offer My Services To My President, My Country And My Friends To Do Anything, Outside Of Serving On A Commission, That I Can In This Great Movement. But You Will Have To Give Me Some Idea Of Where "confidence" Is. And Just Who You Want It Restored To.

Everybody Is Ignorant, Only On Different Subjects.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

The High Income Tax Come Pretty Near Passing In The Senate. Only Lacked About Six Votes. So It Won't Be Long Now. Well, There Is Millions And Millions That Are Not Making It, That Would Be Glad To Give Up 99 Per Cent If You Would Let 'em Earn A Hundred Thousand Or More.

I Would Never Make A Good Economist. You Know, An Economist Is A Man That Can Tell You Anything About — Well, He Will Tell You What Can Happen Under Any Given Condition — And His Guess Is Liable To Be As Good As Anybody Else's, Too.

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

The Only Difference Between Death And Taxes Is That Death Doesn't Get Worse Every Time Congress Meets.

What Would We Say If The Chinese Sent A Gunboat With Their Marines Up The Mississippi River Claiming They Were Protecting Their Laundries In Memphis?

An Onion Can Make People Cry But There's Never Been A Vegetable That Can Make People Laugh.

Coolidge Has The Best Idea On This Farm Relief. He Said, 'farmers, You Are In A Hole. I Can't Help You, But I Will Get In With You.' He Did. That Made It Fine So The Farmers Were Satisfied As Long As Coolidge Was Going To Get In With Them.

Never Slap A Man Who Is Chewing Tobacco.

I Don't Make Jokes. I Just Watch The Government And Report The Facts. I'm Not A Member Of Any Organized Political Party, I'm A Democrat! If We Ever Pass Out As A Great Nation We Ought To Put On Our Tombstone 'america Died From A Delusion That She Had Moral Leadership.'

Why Don't Somebody Print The Truth About Our Present Economic Situation? We Spent Six Years Of Wild Buying On Credit - Everything Under The Sun, Whether We Needed It Or Not - And Now We Are Having To Pay For 'em, And We Are Howling Like A Pet Coon.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

People Are Getting Smarter Nowadays; They Are Letting Lawyers, Instead Of Their Conscience, Be Their Guide.

When Ignorance Gets Started It Knows No Bounds.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

We All Joke About Congress But We Can't Improve On Them. Have You Noticed That No Matter Who We Elect, He Is Just As Bad As The One He Replaces?

If You Live Right, Death Is A Joke To You As Far As Fear Is Concerned.

Shrewdness In Public Life All Over The World Is Always Honored, While Honesty In Public Men Is Generally Attributed To Dumbness And Is Seldom Rewarded.

I Don't Know How I Got Over The Hill Without Getting To The Top.

Long Ago When Men Cursed And Beat The Ground With Sticks, It Was Called Witchcraft. Today It's Called Golf.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

Here's Another Way Of Putting It. Roosevelt Wants Recovery To Start At The Bottom. In Other Words, By A System Of High Taxes, He Wants Business To Help The Little Fellow To Get Started And Get Some Work, And Then Pay Business Back By Buying Things When He's At Work. Business Says, 'let Everybody Alone. Let Business Alone, And Quit Monkeying With Us, And We'll Get Everything Going For You, And If We Prosper, Naturally The Worker Will Prosper.'

Every Time We Have An Election, We Get In Worse Men And The Country Keeps Right On Going. Times Have Proven Only One Thing And That Is You Can't Ruin This Country Even With Politics.

A King Can Stand People's Fighting But He Can't Last Long If People Start Thinking.

There Will Never Be A Time When The Old Horse Is Not Superior To Any Auto Ever Made.

The American People Are A Very Generous People And Will Forgive Almost Any Weakness, With The Possible, Exception Of Stupidity.

I Never Took A Human Life, I Only Sold The Fellow The Gun To Take It With.

The Best Way To Make A Fire With Two Sticks Is To Make Sure One Of Them Is A Match.

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

That's The Trouble With Our Charities; We Are Always Saving Somebody Away Off, When The Fellow Next To Us Ain't Eating.

You Know Horses Are Smarter Than People. You Never Heard Of A Horse Going Broke Betting On People.

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

Give Her A Day, And Then In Return Momma Gives You The Other 364.

This Session Of Congress Is Also To Relieve The Farmer Again, Relieve Him Of Any Encouragement That He Might Have Received During The Last One.

It Rained In The Middle West. Farmers Are Learning That The Relief They Get From The Sky Beats What They Get From Washington.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

Ohio Claims They Are Due A President As They Haven't Had One Since Taft. Look At The United States, They Have Not Had One Since Lincoln.

The Schools Ain't What They Used To Be And Never Was.

Out Here I Had Been Putting What Little Money I Had In Ocean Frontage, For The Sole Reason That There Was Only So Much Of It And No More, And That They Wasent Making Any More.

Banking And After-dinner Speaking Are Two Of The Most Nonessential Industries We Have In This Country. I Am Ready To Reform, If They Are.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

Farmers, Get Out Your Sense Of Humor. Congress Meets To Relieve You Again Next Week.

Prohibition Is Better Than No Liquor At All.

Some Guy Invented Vitamin A Out Of A Carrot. I'll Bet He Can't Invent A Good Meal Out Of One.

Farmers Have More Associations, And Bureaus, And Clubs, Than They Have Pitchforks.

So The Question Rises: How Much Liberty Can You Get Away With? Well, You Get No More Liberty Than You Give!

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

If Everybody (traded His Car For A Horse) They Would Be Out Of Debt In A Couple Of Years. Just Think, No Gas, No Tires, No Roads To Pay For.

If America Ever Passes Out As A Great Nation, We Ought To Put On Our Tombstone: America Died From A Delusion She Had Moral Leadership.

Moral Leadership

Those Tax-exempt Bonds Were Put In So That A Town Or A State Or A Government Could Sell More Bonds Than It Ought To.

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

I Have Always Said That A Conference Was Held For One Reason Only, To Give Everybody A Chance To Get Sore At Everybody Else. Sometimes It Takes Two Or Three Conferences To Scare Up A War, But Generally One Will Do It.

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

It Looks To Me Like Any Man That Wants To Be President In Times Like These Lacks Something.

Times Like These

I Guess There Is Nothing That Will Get Your Mind Off Everything Like Golf. I Have Never Been Depressed Enough To Take Up The Game, But They Say You Get So Sore At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

The Sales Tax Is The Best And Most Equitable Tax. The Gasoline Tax, Which Is Nothing But A Sales Tax, Has Proven Painless, Productive And Punitive. Everything We Buy Should Have Its Equal Proportion Of Tax, Outside Of Cheap Food And Cheap Clothes.

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

We Can't All Be Heroes, Because Somebody Has To Sit On The Curb And Applaud When They Go By.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison. They Stop More Work, Inconvenience More People, Stop More Traffic, Cause More Accidents, Entail More Expense, And Commit And Cause I Don't Remember The Other Hundred Misdemeanors.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

A Vision, Without A Plan, Is Just A Hallucination.

If We Have Senators And Congressmen There That Can't Protect Themselves Against The Evil Temptations Of Lobbyists, We Don't Need To Change Our Lobbies, We Need To Change Our Representatives.

Get Someone Else To Blow Your Horn And The Sound Will Carry Twice As Far.

No Man Can Be Condemned For Owning A Dog. As Long As He Has A Dog, He Has A Friend; And The Poorer He Gets, The Better Friend He Has.

Ten Men In Our Country Could Buy The Whole World And Ten Million Can't Buy Enough To Eat.

It Looks Like The Financial Giants Of The World Have Bungled As Much As The Diplomats And Politicians. This Would Be A Great Time In The World For Some Man To Come Along That Knew Something.

I'm Not A Real Movie Star. I've Still Got The Same Wife I Started Out With Twenty-eight Years Ago.

The Trouble With Our Praying Is, We Just Do It As A Means Of Last Resort.

Course, That's The Trouble With Politics, It Breeds Politics! So That Makes It Pretty Hard To Stamp Out.

Americans Are Getting Like A Ford Car, They All Have The Same Exact Parts, The Same Upholstering And Make Exactly The Same Noises.

Don't Be Misled By History, Or Any Other Unreliable Source.

My Father Was One-eighth Cherokee Indian And My Mother Was Quarter-blood Cherokee. I Never Got Far Enough In Arithmetic To Figure Out How Much Injun That Made Me, But There's Nothing Of Which I Am More Proud Than My Cherokee Blood.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

People Learn More From Observation That They Do From Conversation.

The Democrats Are Going To Change The Name Of The Hoover Dam. That Is The Silliest Thing I Ever Heard Of In Politics . . . Lord If They Feel That Way About It, I Don't See Why They Don't Just Reverse The Two Words.

The "ways & Means Committee" Is A Committee That's Supposed To Find The Ways To Divide Up The Means.

The Man Who Never Makes A Mistake Must Get Tired Of Doing Nothing.

When The Okies Left Oklahoma And Moved To California, They Raised The Average Intelligence Level In Both States.

About All I Can Say For The United States Senate Is That It Opens With A Prayer And Closes With An Investigation.

If You Don't Have Malice In Our Heart, It Doesn't Come Across Harsh.

It Ain't So Much What A Man Doesn't Know That Causes Him So Many Problems, But What He Knows That Ain't So.

I Am Telling Folks That The Country As A Whole Is "sound," And That All Those Who's Heads Are Solid Are Bound To Get Back Into The Market Again. I Tell 'em That This Country Is Bigger Than Wall Street, And If They Don't Believe It, I Show 'em The Map.

It's Getting So If A Man Wants To Stand Well Socially, He Can't Afford To Be Seen With Either The Democrats Or The Republicans.

Whoever Said A Horse Was Dumb, Was Dumb

Let Advertisers Spend The Same Amount Of Money Improving Their Product That They Do On Advertising And They Wouldn't Have To Advertise It.

Advertisement Negative

Outside Of Traffic, There Is Nothing That Has Held This Country Back As Much As Committees.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

People Who Fly Into A Rage Always Make A Bad Landing.

I Have Often Said In Answer To Inquiries As To How I Got Away With Kidding Some Of Our Public Men, That It Was Because I Liked All Of Them Personally, And That If There Was No Malice In Your Heart There Could Be None In Your "gags", And I Have Always Said I Never Met A Man I Dident Like.

If Any Of Us Had A Child That We Thought Was As Bad As We Know We Are, We Would Have Cause To Start To Worry.

They Call It The Latin Quarter Because Nobody There Is Latin And Nobody Has A Quarter.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

The Small Town Is Passing. It Was The Incubator That Hatched All Our Big Men, And That's Why We Haven't Got As Many Big Men Today As We Used To Have. Take Every Small-town-raised Leader Out Of Business And You Would Have Nobody Left Running It But Vice-presidents.

We Always Want The Best Man To Win An Election. Unfortunately, He Never Runs.

Money, Horse Racing And Women: Three Things The Boys Just Can't Figure Out.

When You Are Satisfied, You Are Successful. For That's All There Is To Success Is Satisfaction.

If I Studied All My Life, I Couldn't Think Up Half The Number Of Funny Things Passed In One Session Of Congress.

The Older We Get, The Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.

Funny Happy Birthday

Waiting In Line

After Seeing Kids Play Polo Against Big Guys, It Only Shows That Horses Are The Greatest Equalizer In The World. No Matter What You Weigh, The Little Fellow Is Your Equal On A Horse.

Old Hollywood Is Just Like A Desert Water In Africa. Hang Around Long Enough And Every Kind Of Animal In The World Will Drift In For Refreshments.

In Washington, One Man Could Do What Ten Of Them Do. Things Kinder Run Themselves, Anyhow.

It Wasn't What We Needed Then That Was Hurting Us, It Was What We Was Paying For That We Had Already Used Up. The Country Was Just Buying Gasoline For A Leaky Tank. Everything Was Going Into A Gopher Hole And You Couldent See Where You Was Going To Get Any Of It Back.

If We Got One-tenth Of What Was Promised To Us In These Acceptance Speeches There Wouldn't Be Any Inducement To Go To Heaven.

Keeping Promises

You Have To Have A Serious Streak In You, Or You Can't See The Funny Side Of The Other Fellow.

No Man Is Great If He Thinks He Is.

I Have Indian Blood In Me. I Have Just Enough White Blood For You To Question My Honesty!

Native American

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. Opportunity Rarely Knocks On Your Door. Knock Rather On Opportunity's Door If You Ardently Wish To Enter.

Now If There Is One Thing That We Do Worse Than Any Other Nation, It Is Try And Manage Somebody Else's Affairs.

The Whole Financial Structure Of Wall Street Seems To Rise Or Fall On The Mere Fact That The Federal Reserve Bank Raises Or Lowers The Amount Of Interest. Any Business That Can't Survive A One Percent Change Must Be Skating On Thin Ice. Why Even The Poor Farmer Took A Raise Of Another Ten Percent Just To Get A Loan From The Bank, And Nobody From The Government Paid Any Attention. But You Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help To Get Them Back Into Bed Again.

I Am Proud Of The Fact There Is Not A Human Being That I Have Got It In For. I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

Some People Try To Turn Back Their Odometers. Not Me, I Want People To Know “why” I Look This Way. I’ve Traveled A Long Way And Some Of The Roads Weren’t Paved.

Always Drink Upstream From The Herd.

There Ought To Be One Day - Just One - When There Is Open Season On Senators.

We Are Sure Living In A Peculiar Time. You Get Morefor Not Working Than You Will For Working, And Morefor Not Raising A Hog Than For Raising It.

Horsemanship Through The History Of All Nations Has Been Considered One Of The Highest Accomplishments. You Can't Pass A Park Without Seeing A Statue Of Some Old Codger On A Horse. It Must Be To His Bravery, You Can Tell It's Not To His Horsemanship.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

People's Minds Are Changed Through Observation And Not Through Argument.

America Is The First Country Where People Go To The Poor House In Their Car.

Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose, You Are Ahead.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

I Never Met A Man That I Didn't Like.

Alexander Hamilton Started The U.s. Treasury With Nothing, And That Was The Closest Our Country Has Ever Been To Being Even.

There Are Men Running Governments Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play With Matches.

There Wasn't Any Republicans In Washington's Day. No Republicans, No Boll Weevil, No Income Tax, No Cover Charge, No Disarmament Conference, No Luncheon Clubs, No Stop Lights, No Static, No Head Winds. My Lord, Living In Those Days, Who Wouldn't Be Great?

We Are Here Just For A Spell And Then Pass On. So Get A Few Laughs And Do The Best You Can. Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose It, You Are Ahead.

If You Eliminate The Names Of Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Jackson And Wilson, Both Conventions Would Get Out Three Days Earlier.

Congress Knew Coolidge Would Veto The Farm Bill. There Was More Politics Than Relief In That Bill.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

The Business Of Government Is To Keep The Government Out Of Business - That Is, Unless Business Needs Government Aid.

We Fed 'em Xmas And New Years; Now All The Poor Have To Do Is Just Fill The Few Meals Until Next Xmas

There Is A Horse Here-the Furthest North Of Any Horse, And He Eats Fish And Travels On Snowshoes.

There Is Not A Better Day In The World To Be Spent Than With A Lot Of Wise Old Cowmen Around Barbecued Beef, Black Coffee And Good "free Holy" Beans.

People That Pay For Things Never Complain. It's The Guy You Give Something To That You Can't Please.

The English Should Give Ireland Home Rule - And Reserve The Motion Picture Rights.

Alexander Hamilton Originated The Put And Take System In Our National Treasury: The Taxpayers Put It In, And The Politicians Take It Out

I'm Not Against (bull Fighting). Some Nations Like To See Blood, And Some Like To See Their Victims Suffer From Speculation... They Kill The Bull Very Quick. Wall Street Lets You Live And Suffer.

The Government Says They Have Loaned Over One Billion Dollars To The Farmers. In Other Words, We Can't Help You Make Any Money, But We Will Show You Where You Can Owe Some More.

There's A Simple Solution To Our Traffic Problems. We'll Have Business Build The Roads, And Government Build The Cars.

Everytime A Lawyer Writes Something, He Is Not Writing For Posterity, He Is Writing Something So That Endless Others Of His Craft Can Make A Living Out Of Trying To Figure Out What He Said. Course Perhaps He Really Haden't Said Anything, That's What Makes It So Hard To Explain.

They Used To Take Your Horse And If They Were Caught They Got Hung For It. Now They Take Your Car, And If They Are Caught It's A Miracle.

There Are Two Things I Don't Care How Smart You Are, You Will Never Understand. One Is An Alienist's Testimony, And The Other Is A Railroad Timetable.

More Words Ain't Good For Anything In The World Only To Bring On More Argument.

In Europe Public Men Do Resign. But Here It's A Lost Art. You Have To Impeach 'em.

You Must Never Tell A Thing. You Must Illustrate It. We Learn Through The Eye And Not The Noggin.

Through The Eyes

If You Want To Know How A Man Stands, Go Among The People Who Are In His Same Business.

If All The Time Consumed In Attending Dinners And Luncheons Was Consumed In Some Work, The Production Of This Country Would Be Doubled

My Forefathers Didn't Come Over On The Mayflower, But They Met The Boat.

Native American

I Don't Think Either One Of Them Knows What It's All About, To Be Honest With You. Both Sides Are Doing Nothing But Just Looking Towards The Next Election.

Golf Is Good For The Soul. You Get So Mad At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

You Know Lincoln's Famous Remark About "god Must Have Loved The Common People, Because He Made So Many Of Them?" Well, You Are Not Going To Get People's Votes Nowadays By Calling 'em Common. Lincoln Might Have Said It, But I Bet It Was Not Until After He Was Elected.

The Old Horse Is Coming Back In A High Lope. Thousands Of People Are Riding A Horse Today That Five Years Ago Couldn't Sit In A Ford With All The Doors Locked.

When You Are Dissatisfied And Would Like To Go Back To Youth, Think Of Algebra.

The Trouble With Land Is That They're Not Making It Anymore.

The President Says, 'there Is Lots Of People Worse Off Than The Farmers.' I Don't Know Who It Could Be Unless It Is The Fellow Who Holds The Mortgages On The Farms.

I Will Never Joke About Old Soldiers Who Try To Get To Reunions To Talk Over The War Again. To Talk Of Old Times With Old Friends Is The Greatest Thing In The World.

I Am Just An Old Country Boy In A Big Town Trying To Get Along. I Have Been Eating Pretty Regular And The Reason I Have Been Is Because I Have Stayed An Old Country Boy.

I Would Rather Be The Man Who Bought The Brooklyn Bridge Than The Man Who Sold It.

Brooklyn Bridge

I Doubt If A Charging Elephant, Or A Rhino, Is As Determined Or Hard To Check As A Socially Ambitious Mother.

Broad-minded Is Just Another Way Of Saying A Fellow Is Too Lazy To Form An Opinion.

The Reason Political Party Platforms Are So Long Is That When You Straddle Anything It Takes A Long Time To Explain It.

Under Capitalism Man Exploits Man; Under Socialism The Reverse Is True.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There.

Will Rogers Used To Say He Wouldn't Run For President No Matter How Badly The Country Needed A Comedian.

If I Could Kick The Person In The Tail That Causes Me The Most Problems I Could Not Sit Down For A Week

Politicians Can Do More Funny Things Naturally Than I Can Think Of To Do Purposely

A Woman Can Make A Man Feel Older Or Younger Than His Years If She So Chooses. Being A Woman Is A Terribly Difficult Task Since It Consists Principally In Dealing With Men. Women Were Made With A Sense Of Humor So They Could Love Men Instead Of Laughing At Them.

Don't Wait To Buy Land, Buy Land And Wait.

Too Many People Spend Money They Haven't Earned To Buy Things They Don't Want To Impress People They Don't Like.

If You Don't Like The Weather In Oklahoma, Wait A Minute And It'll Change.

You've Got To Go Out On A Limb Sometimes Because That's Where The Fruit Is.

A Democrat Is Just Like A Baby. If It's Hollering And Making A Lot Of Noise, There Is Nothing Serious The Matter With It. When It's Quiet And Doesn't Pay Much Attention To Anything, That's When It's Really Dangerous.

A Lot Of Guys Have Had A Lot Of Fun Joking About Henry Ford Because He Admitted One Time That He Didn't Know History. He Don't Know It, But History Will Know Him. He Has Made More History Than His Critics Ever Read.

In The Early Days Of The Indian Territory, There Were No Such Things As Birth Certificates. You Being There Was Certificate Enough.

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. My Folks Were Indian. Both My Mother And Father Had Cherokee Blood In Them. I Was Born And Raised In Indian Territory. 'course We're Not The Americans Whose Ancestors Came Over On The Mayflower, But We Met Them At The Boat When They Landed.

The Deer Season Just Opened. A Deer Hunter In Ventura Country Brought In His First Man Yesterday.

You've Never In Your Life Seen A Picture, I Bet Any One Of You, Never Seen A Picture Of One Of These Old Pilgrims Praying When They Didn't Have A Gun Right By The Side Of Them. That Was To See That He Got What He Was Praying For.

Our Whole Depression Was Brought On By Gambling, Not In The Stock Market Alone But In Expanding And Borrowing And Going In Debt... All Just To Make Some Easy Money Quick.

Great Depression

America Is A Land Of Opportunity And Don't Ever Forget It.

Noah Must Have Taken Into The Ark Two Taxes, One Male And One Female. And Did They Multiply Bountifully! Next To Guinea Pigs, Taxes Must Have Been The Most Prolific Animals

There Are Three Kinds Of Men. The One That Learns By Reading. The Few Who Learn By Observation. The Rest Of Them Have To Pee On The Electric Fence For Themselves.

A Senator Got Up Today In Congress And Called His Fellow Senators Sons Of Wild Jackasses. Now, If You Think The Senators Were Hot, Imagine How The Jackasses Must Feel.

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