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Our Whole Depression Was Brought On By Gambling, Not In The Stock Market Alone But In Expanding And Borrowing And Going In Debt... All Just To Make Some Easy Money Quick.

-Will Rogers

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Our Whole Depression Was

Will Rogers

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Our Whole Depression Was Brought On By Gambling, Not In The Stock Market Alone But In Expanding And Borrowing And Going In Debt... All Just To Make Some Easy Money Quick.

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Great Depression

More From Will Rogers

It Looks To Me Like The Candidates Are Trying To Relieve The Farmer Of His Vote, Instead Of His Debts.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

Alexander Hamilton Originated The Put And Take System In Our National Treasury: The Taxpayers Put It In, And The Politicians Take It Out

Fanatical Religion Driven To A Certain Point Is Almost As Bad As None At All, But Not Quite.

This Would Be A Great World To Dance In If We Didn’t Have To Pay The Fiddler.

Never Miss A Chance To Shut Up

Don't Gamble; Take All Your Savings And Buy Some Good Stock And Hold It Till It Goes Up, Then Sell It. If It Don't Go Up, Don't Buy It.

Our President Delivered His State Of The Union Message To Congress. That Is One Of The Things His Contract Calls For -- To Tell Congress The Condition Of The Country. This Message, As I Say, Is To Congress. The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

They Used To Take Your Horse And If They Were Caught They Got Hung For It. Now They Take Your Car, And If They Are Caught It's A Miracle.

Everyone Is A Self-made Man. Only The Successful Admit It.

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

It Is Awful Hard To Get People Interested In Corruption Unless They Can Get Some Of It.

It's The Greatest Game I Ever Saw. You Can't Lose. Everybody Buys To Sell And Nobody Buys To Keep. What's Worrying Me Is Who Is Going To Be The Last Owner. It's Just Like An Auction; The Only One Stuck Is The Last One.

The Stock Market Has Spoiled More Appetites Than Bad Cooking.

Civilization Has Taught Us To Eat With A Fork, But Even Now If Nobody Is Around We Use Our Fingers.

You Know You Are Getting Old When Everything Either Dries Up Or Leaks.

The Man With The Best Job In The Country Is The Vice-president. All He Has To Do Is Get Up Every Morning And Say, 'how Is The President?'

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

I Read About Eight Newspapers In A Day. When I'm In A Town With Only One Newspaper, I Read It Eight Times.

It's No Laughing Matter Being A Republican In These Perilous Times. Anyone Can Be A Republican When The Stock Market Is Up, But When Stocks Are Selling For No More Than They're Worth, I Tell You, Being A Republican - It's A Sacrifice.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

Ability Is All Right But If It Is Not Backed Up By Honesty And Public Confidence You Will Never Be A Successful Person. The Best A Man Can Do Is To Arrive At The Top In His Chosen Profession. I Have Always Maintained That One Profession Is Deserving Of As Much Honor As Another Provided It Is Honorable.

It Is Not The Return On My Investment That I Am Concerned About; It's The Return Of My Investment

Eventually You Will Reach A Point When You Stop Lying About Your Age And Start Bragging About It.

They Are Having Quite An Argument Over Treasury Secretary Mellon's Tax Bill. Mr. Mellon Wants To Cut The Surtax On The Rich, And Leave It As Is On The Poor, As There Is More Poor Than Rich. I Suppose The Majority Will Win.

America Is A Nation That Conceives Many Odd Inventions For Getting Somewhere But It Can Think Of Nothing To Do Once It Gets There.

The Deer Season Just Opened. A Deer Hunter In Ventura Country Brought In His First Man Yesterday.

If Wall Street Paid A Tax On Every “game” They Run, We Would Get Enough Revenue To Run The Government On.

And The Thing About My Jokes Is, They Don't Hurt Anybody. You Can Take 'em Or Leave 'em - You Can Say They're Funny Or They're Terrible Or They're Good, Or Whatever, But You Can Just Pass 'em By. But With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke, It's A Law! And Every Time They Make A Law, It's A Joke!

I Am Always Going To Do My Best, No Matter Where I Am.

You've Got To Be (an) Optimist To Be A Democrat, And You've Got To Be A Humorist To Stay One

People Should Be More Concerned With The Return Of Their Principal Than The Return On Their Principal.

In Time Of Crisis People Want To Know That You Care, More Than They Care What You Know

Times Of Crisis

If We Got One-tenth Of What Was Promised To Us In These Acceptance Speeches There Wouldn't Be Any Inducement To Go To Heaven.

Keeping Promises

People Are Marvelous In Their Generosity, If They Just Know The Cause Is There.

Banking And After-dinner Speaking Are Two Of The Most Nonessential Industries We Have In This Country. I Am Ready To Reform, If They Are.

If You Don't Like The Weather In Oklahoma, Wait A Minute And It'll Change.

If You Make Any Money, The Government Shoves You In The Creek Once A Year With It In Your Pockets, And All That Don't Get Wet You Can Keep.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

I Have Always Said That A Conference Was Held For One Reason Only, To Give Everybody A Chance To Get Sore At Everybody Else. Sometimes It Takes Two Or Three Conferences To Scare Up A War, But Generally One Will Do It.

I Am Telling Folks That The Country As A Whole Is "sound," And That All Those Who's Heads Are Solid Are Bound To Get Back Into The Market Again. I Tell 'em That This Country Is Bigger Than Wall Street, And If They Don't Believe It, I Show 'em The Map.

Golf Is A Wonderful Exercise. You Can Stand On Your Feet For Hours, Watching Somebody Else Putt.

The Only Time People Dislike Gossip Is When You Gossip About Them.

Any Person That Don't Read At Least One Well-written Country Newspaper Is Not Truly Informed.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

A Lot Of Guys Have Had A Lot Of Fun Joking About Henry Ford Because He Admitted One Time That He Didn't Know History. He Don't Know It, But History Will Know Him. He Has Made More History Than His Critics Ever Read.

You Can't Legislate Intelligence And Common Sense Into People.

The Income Tax Has Made Liars Out Of More Americans Than Golf.

The Budget Is Like A Mythical Bean Bag. Congress Votes Mythical Beans Into It, Then Reaches In And Tries To Pull Real Ones Out.

We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

It Ain't So Much What A Man Doesn't Know That Causes Him So Many Problems, But What He Knows That Ain't So.

We Americans Think We Are Pretty Good! We Want To Build A House, We Cut Down Some Trees. We Want To Build A Fire, We Dig A Little Coal. But When We Run Out Of All These Things, Then We Will Find Out Just How Good We Really Are.

Democrats Always Were A Cheap Lot. They Never Had Much Money To Operate On.... They Would Rather Make A Speech Than A Dollar. They Cultivate Their Voice Instead Of Their Finances.

You Know You've Got To Exercise Your Brain Just Like Your Muscles.

America Is A Great Country, But You Can't Live In It For Nothing.

There's The One Thing No Nation Can Ever Accuse Us Of And That Is Secret Diplomacy. Our Foreign Are An Open Book, Generally A Check Book.

Both Political Parties Have Their Good Times And Bad Times, Only They Have Them At Different Times.

I Don't See Why A Man Shouldn't Pay An Inheritance Tax. If A Country Is Good Enough To Pay Taxes To While You Are Living, It's Good Enough To Pay In After You Die. By The Time You Die You Should Be So Used To Paying Taxes That It Would Just Be Almost Second Nature To You.

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

I Guess Truth Can Hurt You Worse In An Election Than About Anything That Can Happen To You.

A Holding Company Is The People You Give Your Money To While You're Being Searched.

I Never Took A Human Life, I Only Sold The Fellow The Gun To Take It With.

You Can't Say Civilization Don't Advance... In Every War They Kill You In A New Way.

It's One Of The Most Progressive Cities In The World. Shooting Is Only A Sideline.

Show Me A Healthy Community With A Healthy Economy And I Will Show You A Community That Has Its Green Infrastructure In Order And Understands The Relationship Between The Built And The Unbuilt Environment.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

Farmers Have More Associations, And Bureaus, And Clubs, Than They Have Pitchforks.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

The Movies Are The Only Business Where You Can Go Out Front And Applaud Yourself.

When You're Through Learning, You're Through.

My Own Mother Died When I Was 10 Years Old. My Folks Have Told Me That What Little Humor I Have Comes From Her. I Can't Remember Her Humor, But I Can Remember Her Love And Understanding Of Me.

George Bernard Shaw Of England Stopped Over Just Long Enough To Make One Speech In Bombay, India, Started A War And 100 Indians Killed Each Other. That's What I Call Good Speech-making. The Only Enthusiasm Any Of Our Speakers Can Rouse Is A Demand To Kill The Speaker.

Just Read The Farm Relief Bill. It's Just A Political Version Of Einstein's Last Theory. If A Farmer Could Understand It, He Certainly Would Know More Than To Farm. He Would Be A Professor At Harvard.

Does College Pay? They Do If You Are A Good Open-field Runner.

The Republicans Have Their Splits Right After Election And Democrats Have Theirs Just Before An Election.

I See Where They Are Going To Be More Strict With These Robbers; When They Catch 'em From Now On, They're Going To Publish Their Names.

Never Slap A Man Who's Chewing Tobacco. Never Kick A Cow Chip On A Hot Day. Never Miss A Good Chance To Shut Up.

Work To Make A Living; Serve To Make A Life.

If I Could Kick The Person In The Tail That Causes Me The Most Problems I Could Not Sit Down For A Week

After Seeing Kids Play Polo Against Big Guys, It Only Shows That Horses Are The Greatest Equalizer In The World. No Matter What You Weigh, The Little Fellow Is Your Equal On A Horse.

The Bankers Just Got A Good Cussing By Everybody For Loaning Too Much Money. Well, They Got Some Awful Nice Buildings. So When A Banker Fails, He Fails In Splendor.

When A Fellow Ain't Got Much Mind, It Don't Take Him Long To Make It Up.

I Would Love To See Mr. (henry) Ford In There, Really. I Don't Know Who Started The Idea That A President Must Be A Politician Instead Of A Business Man. A Politician Can't Run Any Other Kind Of Business. So There Is No Reason Why He Can Run The U.s. That's The Biggest Single Business In The World.

I'm Not Against (bull Fighting). Some Nations Like To See Blood, And Some Like To See Their Victims Suffer From Speculation... They Kill The Bull Very Quick. Wall Street Lets You Live And Suffer.

After Eating An Entire Bull, A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring. He Kept It Up Until A Hunter Came Along And Shot Him... The Moral: When You're Full Of Bull, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

They Have Passed The Big Inheritance Tax, And That Gets You When You Are Gone. You Used To Could Die And Be Able To Beat Taxes, But Not Now. The Undertaker Don't Go Over Your Body As Carefully As The Assessor Does Your Accumilated Assets, And He Gets His Before The Undertaker. They Have It On These Big Fortunes Now Where They Pay As High As 60 To 70 Percent Of What They Leave. That's Mighty Expensive Dying When It Runs Into Money Like That, And You Won't See 'em Dropping Off As Casually As They Have Been.

They Are Voting Whether To Keep A Governor Two Years Or Four. I Think A Good, Honest Governor Should Get Four Years, And The Others Life.

It's Great To Be Great, But Its Greater To Be Human.

I Have Often Said In Answer To Inquiries As To How I Got Away With Kidding Some Of Our Public Men, That It Was Because I Liked All Of Them Personally, And That If There Was No Malice In Your Heart There Could Be None In Your "gags", And I Have Always Said I Never Met A Man I Dident Like.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

We're All Ignorant, Just About Different Stuff.

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

Lord, The Money We Do Spend On Government And It's Not One Bit Better Than The Government We Got For One-third The Money Twenty Years Ago.

Elections Are A Good Deal Like Marriages. There's No Accounting For Anyone's Taste. Every Time We See A Bridegroom We Wonder Why She Ever Picked Him, And It's The Same With Public Officials.

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Congress Is Going To Start Tinkering With The Ten Commandments Just As Soon As They Find Someone In Washington Who Has Read Them.

Ten Commandments

One-third Of The People In The United States Promote, While The Other Two-thirds Provide.

The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, The More You've Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other.

Where I Come From, They Won't Let Me Play With This Rope. They Think I Might Hurt Myself.

A Successful Outcome Shows What Hard Work, Perseverance And Taking Advantage Of Your Opportunities Will Do For You.

A Democrat Is Just Like A Baby. If It's Hollering And Making A Lot Of Noise, There Is Nothing Serious The Matter With It. When It's Quiet And Doesn't Pay Much Attention To Anything, That's When It's Really Dangerous.

Get A Sales Tax, Small On Necessities And Large On Luxuries; Then A Stiff Inheritance Tax On The Fellow That Saves And Don't Spend. That Will Get Him Either Way. A Tax Paid On The Day You Buy Is Not As Tough As Asking You For It The Next Year When You Are Broke.

Nobody Wants To Be Called Common People, Especially Common People.

Give Her A Day, And Then In Return Momma Gives You The Other 364.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

The "ways & Means Committee" Is A Committee That's Supposed To Find The Ways To Divide Up The Means.

Politicians Can Do More Funny Things Naturally Than I Can Think Of To Do Purposely

Let Advertisers Spend The Same Amount Of Money Improving Their Product That They Do On Advertising And They Wouldn't Have To Advertise It.

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In Washington, One Man Could Do What Ten Of Them Do. Things Kinder Run Themselves, Anyhow.

In Hollywood The Woods Are Full Of People That Learned To Write But Evidently Can't Read. If They Could Read Their Stuff, They'd Stop Writing.

The Best Way Out Of A Difficulty Is Through It.

Take Me Ham Away, Take Away My Eggs, Even My Chili, But Leave Me My Newspaper.

There Is Two Types Of Larceny, Petty And Grand. They Are Supposed To Be The Same In The Eyes Of The Law, But Judges Always Put A Little Extra On You For Petty, Which Is Kind Of A Fine For Stupidness.

Sure Must Be A Great Consolation To The Poor People Who Lost Their Stock In The Late Crash To Know That It Has Fallen In The Hands Of Mr. Rockefeller, Who Will Take Care Of It And See That It Has A Good Home And Never Be Allowed To Wander Around Unprotected Again. There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And The Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

We Don't Give Our Criminals Much Punishment, But We Sure Give 'em Plenty Of Publicity.

We Will Never Get Anywhere With Our Finances Till We Pass A Law Saying...every Time We Appropriate Something, We...pass Another Bill...stating Where The Money Is Coming From.

The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

I Was Just Thinking, If It Is Really Religion With These Nudist Colonies, They Sure Must Turn Atheists In The Wintertime.

So The Question Rises: How Much Liberty Can You Get Away With? Well, You Get No More Liberty Than You Give!

They Are Each Good When They Are Out, And Each Bad When They Are In.

Government Investigations Have Always Contributed More To Our Amusement Than They Have To Our Knowledge.

Long Ago When Men Cursed And Beat The Ground With Sticks, It Was Called Witchcraft. Today It's Called Golf.

The High Income Tax Come Pretty Near Passing In The Senate. Only Lacked About Six Votes. So It Won't Be Long Now. Well, There Is Millions And Millions That Are Not Making It, That Would Be Glad To Give Up 99 Per Cent If You Would Let 'em Earn A Hundred Thousand Or More.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

Hurray! Congress Is To Adjourn! Only Four More Days Of Congressional Burglary On The Treasury!

Our Financial Ills Will Never Be Settled Till You Fix It So Every Man Will Pay An Income Tax On What He Earns, Be It A Farm, Grocery Store Or Municipal Or Government Bonds.

We Owe More Money Than Any Nation In The World, And We Are Lowering Taxes. When Is The Time To Pay Off A Debt If It Is Not When You Are Doing Well? You Let A Politician Return Home From Washington And Announce, 'boys We Lowered Your Taxes. We Had To Borrow The Money To Do It, But We Did It.' Say, They Would Elect Him For Life.

A Foreigner Coming Here And Reading The Congressional Record Would Say That The President Of The United States Was Elected Solely For The Purpose Of Giving Senators Somebody To Call A Horse Thief.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison.

Funny Thing About Being A U.s. Senator, The Only Thing The Law Says You Have To Be Is 30 Years Old. Not Another Single Requirement. They Just Figure That A Man That Old Got Nobody To Blame But Himself If He Gets Caught In There.

We Never Will Have Any Prosperity That Is Free From Speculation Till We Pass A Law That Every Time A Broker Or Person Sells Something, He Has Got To Have It Sitting There In A Bucket, Or A Bag, Or A Jug, Or A Cage, Or A Rat Trap, Or Something, Depending On What It Is He Is Selling. We Are Continually Buying Something That We Never Get From A Man That Never Had It.

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

The Problem In America Isn't So Much What People Don't Know; The Problem Is What People Think They Know That Just Ain't So.

Well, Another Senator Rose And Said {as They Always Do} 'does The Gentleman Yield?' They Always Say That - Least They Call Each Other 'gentleman' In There. But The Tone They Put On The Word, It Would Sound More Appropriate If They Came Right Out And Said 'would The Coyote From Maine Yield?' 'cause That's About The Way It Sounds. Well, Then, The Other Senator Says 'i Yield' (for If He Don't The Other Guy'll Keep On Talking Anyhow). So The Coyote From Maine Says 'i Yield To...the Polecat From Oregon!'

You Know The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, You Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other. The One That's Out Always Looks The Best. My Only Solution Would Be To Keep Em Both Out One Term And Hire My Good Friend Henry Ford To Run The Whole Thing, And Give Him A Commission On What He Saves Us.

Politics Pretty Quiet Over The Week-end. Democrats Are Attacking And The Republicans Are Defending. All The Democrats Have To Do Is Promise "what They Would Do If They Got In." But The Republicans Have To Promise "what They Would Do" And Then Explain Why They Haven't Already "done It".

There's No Way In The World You're Going To Make A Political Party Respectable Unless You Keep It Out Of Office.

If We Took Congress Seriously, We Would Be Worrying All The Time.

Be A Politician; No Training Necessary.

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

Ignorance Lies Not In The Things You Don't Know, But In The Things You Know That Ain't So.

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

You Shouldn't Say Anything Mean About People Who Can't Read. You Should Write It Instead.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

There Isn't Any Finer Folks Living Than A Republican That Votes The Democratic Ticket.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

People That Pay For Things Never Complain. It's The Guy You Give Something To That You Can't Please.

I Go Too Fast To See Much, Only The Tops Of Everything. I've Got To Prowl Slow Some Time Through This Country.

If You Feel The Urge, Don't Be Afraid To Go On A Wild Goose Chase. What Do You Think Wild Geese Are For Anyway?

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

This Country Has Gotten Where It Is In Spite Of Politics, Not By The Aid Of It. That We Have Carried As Much Political Bunk As We Have And Still Survived Shows We Are A Super Nation.

I Never Expected To See The Day When Girls Would Get Sunburned In The Places They Now Do.

And If You Call One A Real Estate Agent And He Won't Sell You Anything. He Is A Realator. It's The Same As What The Old Fashioned Real Estate Agent Used To Be Only The Commission Is Different.

Every Land Or Property Owner In America Would Be Tickled To Death To Pay 45 Per Cent Of His Profits, If He Didn't Have To Pay Anything If He Didn't Make It.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

Candidates Have Been Telling You That If Elected They Would 'pull You From This Bog Hole Of Financial Misery.' Now Is A Good Chance To Get Even With 'em, By Electing 'em, Just To Prove What A Liar They Are.

Politics Has Become So Expensive That It Takes A Lot Of Money Even To Be Defeated.

We Had A Great Lunch. Senator Capper Paid For It. The Republican Pays, As Usual. And Everything That The Democrats Are Doin' Now, The Republicans Pay For It. Everybody Asks Me, "will, How Long Is This Going To Go On, Spending All This Money And Everything Going Like This?" I Says, "well, It Will Go On Just As Long As The Republicans Has Got Any Money. That's All I Know About It."

I Wonder If It Isn't Just Cowardice Instead Of Generosity That Makes Us Give Tips.

The Small Town Is Passing. It Was The Incubator That Hatched All Our Big Men, And That's Why We Haven't Got As Many Big Men Today As We Used To Have. Take Every Small-town-raised Leader Out Of Business And You Would Have Nobody Left Running It But Vice-presidents.

People's Minds Are Changed Through Observation And Not Through Argument.

The Way To Make Money In The Stock Market Is To Buy A Stock. Then, When It Goes Up, Sell It. If It's Not Going To Go Up, Don't Buy It!

We Don't Seem To Be Able To Check Crime, So Why Not Legalize It And Then Tax It Out Of Business?

I Have A Scheme For Stopping War. It's This - No Nation Is Allowed To Enter A War Till They Have Paid For The Last One.

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

Some Guy Invented Vitamin A Out Of A Carrot. I'll Bet He Can't Invent A Good Meal Out Of One.

The Time To Save Is Now. When A Dog Gets A Bone, He Doesn't Go Out And Make A Down Payment On A Bigger Bone. He Buries The One He's Got.

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

There Is One Thing About Englishmen, They Won't Fix Anything Till It's Just About Totally Ruined. You Couldn't Get The English To Fix Anything At The Start. No! They Like To Sit And Watch It Grow Worse. Then, When It Just Looks Like The Whole Thing Has Gone Up Salt Creek, Why, The English Jump In And Rescue It.

We Have Killed More People Celebrating Our Independence Day Than We Lost Fighting For It.

You Must Never Tell A Thing. You Must Illustrate It. We Learn Through The Eye And Not The Noggin.

Through The Eyes

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

We Can't All Be Heroes, Because Somebody Has To Sit On The Curb And Applaud When They Go By.

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

Just Because It's Common Sense, Doesn't Mean It's Common Practice.

And Kid Congress And The Senate, Dont Scold Em. They Are Just Children Thats Never Grown Up. They Dont Like To Be Corrected In Company. Dont Send Messages To Em, Send Candy.

That's The Trouble With Our Charities; We Are Always Saving Somebody Away Off, When The Fellow Next To Us Ain't Eating.

The Lord So Constituted Everybody That No Matter What Color You Are You Require The Same Amount Of Nourishment.

There Is Some Talk Of Lowering (the Income Tax), And They Will Have To. People Are Not Making Enough To Pay It.

A Debt Is Just As Hard For A Government To Pay As It Is For An Individual. No Debt Ever Comes Due At A Good Time. Borrowing Is The Only Thing That Seems Handy All The Time.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Congressional Record. They Have Had Some Awful Funny Articles In There Lately. As Our Government Deteriorates, Our Humor Increases.

Wish All The Farmers Would Move To Town One Year, That's The Only Way I Know To Clear The Thing Up.

This Country Has Come To Feel The Same When Congress Is In Session As When The Baby Gets Hold Of A Hammer.

Just Been Talking Today Out Here To All The Senators Investigating These Stock Swindles And Overcapitalizations. There Has Been Hundreds Of Millions Lost. There Ought To Be Some Form Of Guardianship For People That Buy All This Junk. Education Won't Do It. The Buyers Are The Ones We Have Educated Up Till They Are Just Smart Enough To Fall For Everything That Comes Along.

Cities Are Like Gentlemen, They Are Born, Not Made. You Are Either A City, Or You Are Not, Size Has Nothing To Do With It. I Bet San Francisco Was A City From The Very First Time It Had A Dozen Settlers. New York Is "yokel", But San Francisco Is "city At Heart".

Will Somebody Please Tell Me What They Do With All The Vice-presidents A Bank Has? Why The United States Is The Biggest Business Institution In The World, And They Got Only One Vice-president And Nobody Has Ever Found Anything For Him To Do.

Personally, I Have Always Felt That The Best Doctor In The World Is The Veterinarian. He Can't Ask His Patients What Is The Matter...he's Just Got To Know.

There Is No Income Tax In Russia. But There's No Income.

Common Sense Is Not An Issue In Politics--it's An Affliction.

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

If A Bank Fails In China, They Behead The Men At The Top Of It That Was Responsible... If We Beheaded All Of Ours That Were Responsible For Bank Failures, We Wouldn't Have Enough People Left To Bury The Heads.

What The Secretary Of Agriculture Is Trying To Do Is To Teach The Farmer Corn Acreage Control, And The Hogs Birth Control, And One Is Just As Hard To Make Understand It As The Other.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

There Wasn't Any Republicans In Washington's Day. No Republicans, No Boll Weevil, No Income Tax, No Cover Charge, No Disarmament Conference, No Luncheon Clubs, No Stop Lights, No Static, No Head Winds. My Lord, Living In Those Days, Who Wouldn't Be Great?

He [calvin Coolidge] Is The First President To Discover That What The American People Want Is To Be Left Alone.

Everything Is Changing. People Are Taking Their Comedians Seriously And The Politicians As A Joke.

The Government Sent The Indians To Oklahoma. They Had A Treaty That Said, 'you Shall Have This Land As Long As Grass Grows And Water Flows.' It Was Not Only A Good Rhyme But Looked Like A Good Treaty, And It Was Till They Struck Oil. Then The Government Took It Away From Us Again. They Said The Treaty Only Refers To 'water And Grass; It Don't Say Anything About Oil.'

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