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And The Thing About My Jokes Is, They Don't Hurt Anybody. You Can Take 'em Or Leave 'em - You Can Say They're Funny Or They're Terrible Or They're Good, Or Whatever, But You Can Just Pass 'em By. But With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke, It's A Law! And Every Time They Make A Law, It's A Joke!

-Will Rogers

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And The Thing About

Will Rogers

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And The Thing About My Jokes Is, They Don't Hurt Anybody. You Can Take 'em Or Leave 'em - You Can Say They're Funny Or They're Terrible Or They're Good, Or Whatever, But You Can Just Pass 'em By. But With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke, It's A Law! And Every Time They Make A Law, It's A Joke!

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The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

These Dust Storms.... Poor Farmer Spent A Lifetime Fixin' His Farm And Everything, Goes Out And Looks Down At It, And It's Up Above Him.

The Budget Is Like A Mythical Bean Bag. Congress Votes Mythical Beans Into It, Then Reaches In And Tries To Pull Real Ones Out.

The Only Time People Dislike Gossip Is When You Gossip About Them.

There Isn't Any Finer Folks Living Than A Republican That Votes The Democratic Ticket.

A Holding Company Is A Thing Where You Hand An Accomplice The Goods While The Policeman Searches You.

After Eating An Entire Bull, A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring. He Kept It Up Until A Hunter Came Along And Shot Him... The Moral: When You're Full Of Bull, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

With All Our Crime And All Our Immorality ... And About As Much Contentment And Respose As A Fresh-caged Hyena, We Go To Tell The Whole World: We Are The Only One With The Right Idea!

It Would Drive A Person Crazy To Dope Out Really What Does Divide The Two Parties. Prosperity Don't Divide The Two Parties, For Under Either Administration The Poor Get Poorer And The Rich Get Richer.

I Don't Know What Humor Is.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

You've Got To Go Out On A Limb Sometimes Because That's Where The Fruit Is.

I Have Always Said That A Conference Was Held For One Reason Only, To Give Everybody A Chance To Get Sore At Everybody Else. Sometimes It Takes Two Or Three Conferences To Scare Up A War, But Generally One Will Do It.

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car.

We Never Will Have Any Prosperity That Is Free From Speculation Till We Pass A Law That Every Time A Broker Or Person Sells Something, He Has Got To Have It Sitting There In A Bucket, Or A Bag, Or A Jug, Or A Cage, Or A Rat Trap, Or Something, Depending On What It Is He Is Selling. We Are Continually Buying Something That We Never Get From A Man That Never Had It.

Nobody Wants His Cause Near As Bad As He Wants To Talk About His Cause.

The Trouble With Democrats Is That They All Want To Run For President

We Are Here Just For A Spell And Then Pass On. So Get A Few Laughs And Do The Best You Can. Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose It, You Are Ahead.

Bankers Are Likeable Rascals. Now That We Are All Wise To 'em, It's Been Shown That They Don't Know Any More About Finances Than The Rest Of Us Know About Our Businesses... Which Has Proved To Be Nothing.

Golf Is A Wonderful Exercise. You Can Stand On Your Feet For Hours, Watching Somebody Else Putt.

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

In A Real Estate Man's Eye, The Most Expensive Part Of The City Is Where He Has A House To Sell

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

Horses Raise What The Farmer Eats And Eats What The Farmer Raises. You Can't Plow The Ground And Get Gasoline.

The President Says, 'there Is Lots Of People Worse Off Than The Farmers.' I Don't Know Who It Could Be Unless It Is The Fellow Who Holds The Mortgages On The Farms.

I Represent What Is Left Of A Vanishing Race, And That Is The Pedestrian. That I Am Still Able To Be Here, I Owe To A Keen Eye And A Nimble Pair Of Legs. But I Know They'll Get Me Someday.

Every Time We Have An Election, We Get In Worse Men And The Country Keeps Right On Going. Times Have Proven Only One Thing And That Is You Can't Ruin This Country Even With Politics.

I Argue With Wife Over What Little Pieces Of Real Estate Investments We Should Try To Pay On And Hold, And Which To Let Go Back. We Always Said, "put It In Land, And You Can Always Walk On It." We Did, But No Buyers Would Walk On It With Us.

We Fed 'em Xmas And New Years; Now All The Poor Have To Do Is Just Fill The Few Meals Until Next Xmas

When You Give A Lesson In Meanness To A Critter Or A Person, Don't Be Surprised If They Learn Their Lesson.

The Crime Of Taxation Is Not In The Taking It, It's In The Way That It's Spent.

Farmers Spend More Time At Conventions Than They Do Plowing.

Politicians Are Dumb, But They Can Count To 50% Plus One.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

Here Is My Farm Relief Bill: Every Time A Southerner Plants Nothing On His Farm But Cotton Year After Year, And The Northerner Nothing But Wheat Or Corn, Why, Take A Hammer And Hit Him Twice Right Between The Eyes. You May Dent Your Hammer, But It Will Do More Real Good Than All The Bills You Can Pass In A Year.

Our Country Has Plenty Of Five-cent Cigars, But The Trouble Is They Charge Fifteen Cents For Them.

We Elect Our Presidents, Be They Republican Or Democrat, Then Start Daring 'em To Make Good.

I'll Bet You The Time Ain't Far Off When A Woman Won't Know Any More Than A Man.

Let Advertisers Spend The Same Amount Of Money Improving Their Product That They Do On Advertising And They Wouldn't Have To Advertise It.

Advertisement Negative

If I Could Kick The Person In The Tail That Causes Me The Most Problems I Could Not Sit Down For A Week

Democrats Always Were A Cheap Lot. They Never Had Much Money To Operate On.... They Would Rather Make A Speech Than A Dollar. They Cultivate Their Voice Instead Of Their Finances.

The Man With The Best Job In The Country Is The Vice-president. All He Has To Do Is Get Up Every Morning And Say, 'how Is The President?'

I Have Indian Blood In Me. I Have Just Enough White Blood For You To Question My Honesty!

Native American

There Is Nothing So Stupid As The Educated Man If You Get Him Off The Thing He Was Educated In.

The United States Investigates Everything - Usually After It's Dead.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

He [calvin Coolidge] Is The First President To Discover That What The American People Want Is To Be Left Alone.

When I Make A Joke, Nobody Gets Injured... When Congress Makes A Joke, It's The Law.

Congress Is Deadlocked And Can’t Act.

What The Secretary Of Agriculture Is Trying To Do Is To Teach The Farmer Corn Acreage Control, And The Hogs Birth Control, And One Is Just As Hard To Make Understand It As The Other.

They Call It The Latin Quarter Because Nobody There Is Latin And Nobody Has A Quarter.

If We Got One-tenth Of What Was Promised To Us In These Acceptance Speeches There Wouldn't Be Any Inducement To Go To Heaven.

Keeping Promises

My Forefathers Didn't Come Over On The Mayflower, But They Met The Boat.

Native American

Alexander Hamilton Started The U.s. Treasury With Nothing, And That Was The Closest Our Country Has Ever Been To Being Even.

We Have Plenty Of Confidence In This Country, But We Are A Little Short Of Good Men To Place Our Confidence In.

I See A Good Deal Of Talk From Washington About Lowering Taxes-i Hope They Do Get 'em Lowered Enough So People Can Afford To Pay 'em

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

If You Get To Thinking You're A Person Of Some Influence, Try Ordering Somebody Else's Dog Around.

Lettin' The Cat Outta The Bag Is A Whole Lot Easier 'n Puttin' It Back In.

I Was Just Thinking, If It Is Really Religion With These Nudist Colonies, They Sure Must Turn Atheists In The Wintertime.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

The English Should Give Ireland Home Rule - And Reserve The Motion Picture Rights.

You Can't Legitimately Kick On Income Tax, For It's On What You Have Made. You Have Already Made It. But, Look At Land, Farms, Homes, Stores, Vacant Lots. You Pay Year After Year On Them Whether You Make It Or Not.

Candidates Have Been Telling You That If Elected They Would 'pull You From This Bog Hole Of Financial Misery.' Now Is A Good Chance To Get Even With 'em, By Electing 'em, Just To Prove What A Liar They Are.

Sometimes People Deserve A High Five, In The Face, With A Chair.

If A Thousand Shares Of Stocks Or Bonds Make Nothing, You Pay Nothing. But On A Thousand Acres Of Land You Pay Enough To Support Half The Community Who Own No Land And Pay No Taxes.

Common Sense Is Not An Issue In Politics--it's An Affliction.

You Can Be Killed Just As Dead In An Unjustified War As You Can In One Protecting Your Own Home.

The Man That Found The 726-carat Diamond In Africa, Received $350,000 For It And Wants To Buy A Farm And Silk Hat. Well, I Can Understand A Man Perhaps Being Eccentric Enough To Want To Own A Silk Hat.

This Country Has Gotten Where It Is In Spite Of Politics, Not By The Aid Of It. That We Have Carried As Much Political Bunk As We Have And Still Survived Shows We Are A Super Nation.

A Man Who Dies Without Adequate Life Insurance Should Have To Come Back And See The Mess He Created.

Wish All The Farmers Would Move To Town One Year, That's The Only Way I Know To Clear The Thing Up.

Nothing You Can't Spell Will Ever Work.

The Public Perceives There Are Problems With The Water System, And With The Efficiency Of The System. We Need Some Leadership And To Provide Expertise In The Area Of Efficiency.

No Man Is Great If He Thinks He Is.

They Used To Take Your Horse And If They Were Caught They Got Hung For It. Now They Take Your Car, And If They Are Caught It's A Miracle.

We Always Want The Best Man To Win An Election. Unfortunately, He Never Runs.

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

There Is A Hundred Things To Single You Out For Promotion In Party Politics Besides Ability.

The Nation Is Prosperous On The Whole, But How Much Prosperity Is There In A Hole?

America Is A Great Country, But You Can't Live In It For Nothing.

Farmers Have About Given Up Hope Of Getting Farm Relief And Have Decided To Fertilize Instead.

When You Find Yourself In A Hole, Quit Digging.

Finding Yourself

Digging Ditches

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

The Schools Ain't What They Used To Be And Never Was.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

Show Me A Healthy Community With A Healthy Economy And I Will Show You A Community That Has Its Green Infrastructure In Order And Understands The Relationship Between The Built And The Unbuilt Environment.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

More Words Ain't Good For Anything In The World Only To Bring On More Argument.

The Government Says They Have Loaned Over One Billion Dollars To The Farmers. In Other Words, We Can't Help You Make Any Money, But We Will Show You Where You Can Owe Some More.

Advertising Is The Art Of Convincing People To Spend Money They Don't Have For Something They Don't Need.

What The Country Needs Is Dirtier Fingernails And Cleaner Minds.

I Don't Make Jokes. I Just Watch The Government And Report The Facts.

If We Took Congress Seriously, We Would Be Worrying All The Time.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Congressional Record. They Have Had Some Awful Funny Articles In There Lately. As Our Government Deteriorates, Our Humor Increases.

It Rained In The Middle West. Farmers Are Learning That The Relief They Get From The Sky Beats What They Get From Washington.

Give Her A Day, And Then In Return Momma Gives You The Other 364.

There Is Two Things That Can Disrupt Business In This Country. One Is War, And The Other Is A Meeting Of The Federal Reserve Bank.

The Us Is Safest When Congress Is In Recess.

Government Investigations Have Always Contributed More To Our Amusement Than They Have To Our Knowledge.

Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

Some People Try To Turn Back Their Odometers. Not Me, I Want People To Know “why” I Look This Way. I’ve Traveled A Long Way And Some Of The Roads Weren’t Paved.

You Know Horses Are Smarter Than People. You Never Heard Of A Horse Going Broke Betting On People.

I Do Honestly Believe The Republicans Have Reformed And Want To Do Better. But Whether They Have Done It In Time To Win The Election Is Another Thing. The Old Voter Is Getting So He Wants To Be Saved Before October Every Election Year.

People's Minds Are Changed Through Observation And Not Through Argument.

Communism Is Like Prohibition, It Is A Good Idea, But It Won't Work.

Get A Sales Tax, Small On Necessities And Large On Luxuries; Then A Stiff Inheritance Tax On The Fellow That Saves And Don't Spend. That Will Get Him Either Way. A Tax Paid On The Day You Buy Is Not As Tough As Asking You For It The Next Year When You Are Broke.

All One Has To Do To Get One's Stuff In The Congressional Record Is To Find A Stenographer That Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Take It Down. Then You Mark In The 'applause' And 'laughter' Parts Yourself.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

The Whole Trouble With The Republicans Is Their Fear Of An Increase In Income Tax, Especially On Higher Incomes. They Speak Of It Almost Like A National Calamity. I Really Believe If It Come To A Vote Whether To Go To War With England, France And Germany Combined, Or Raise The Rate On Incomes Of Over $100,000, They Would Vote War.

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

My Father Was One-eighth Cherokee Indian And My Mother Was Quarter-blood Cherokee. I Never Got Far Enough In Arithmetic To Figure Out How Much Injun That Made Me, But There's Nothing Of Which I Am More Proud Than My Cherokee Blood.

Ancient Rome Declined Because It Had A Senate, Now What's Going To Happen To Us With Both A House And A Senate?

When You're Through Learning, You're Through.

Rail-splitting Produced An Immortal President In Lincoln, But Golf Hasn't Produced Even A Good Congressman.

I Like To Hear A Man Talk About Himself Because Then I Never Hear Anything, But Good.

When Should A College Athlete Turn Pro? Not Until He Has Earned All He Can In College As An Amateur.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else.

Be A Politician; No Training Necessary.

The Lord So Constituted Everybody That No Matter What Color You Are You Require The Same Amount Of Nourishment.

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

America Already Holds The Record For Freak Movements. Now We Have A New One. It's Called "restoring Confidence." Rich Men Who Never Had A Mission In Life Outside Of Watching A Stock Ticker Are Working Day And Night "restoring Confidence." Writers Are Working Night Shifts, Speakers' Tables Are Littered Up, Ministers Are Preaching Statistics, All On "restoring Confidence."

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison. They Stop More Work, Inconvenience More People, Stop More Traffic, Cause More Accidents, Entail More Expense, And Commit And Cause I Don't Remember The Other Hundred Misdemeanors.

Lobbyists Have More Offices In Washington Than The President. You See, The President Only Tells Congress What They Should Do. Lobbyists Tell'em What They Will Do.

I Am A Great Believer In High-priced People. If A Thing Cost A Lot It May Not Be Any Better, But It Adds A Certain Amount Of Class That The Cheap Thing Can Never Approach; In The Long Run It's The Higher-priced Things That Are The Cheapest.

Those Tax-exempt Bonds Were Put In So That A Town Or A State Or A Government Could Sell More Bonds Than It Ought To.

You Must Judge A Man's Greatness By How Much He Will Be Missed.

I See By The Papers That They Are Going To Do Away With All The Nuisance Taxes. That Means That A Man Can Get A Marriage License For Nothing.

Outside Of Traffic, There Is Nothing That Has Held This Country Back As Much As Committees.

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

Politics Are Receiving A Lot Of Attention Because We Have Nothing Else To Interest Us. No Nation In The History Of The World Was Ever Sitting As Pretty. If We Want Anything, All We Have To Do Is Go And Buy It On Credit. So That Leaves Us Without Any Economic Problem Whatever, Except Perhaps Some Day To Have To Pay For Them. But We Are Certainly Not Thinking About That This Early.

Money And Women Are The Most Sought After And The Least Known About Of Any Two Things We Have.

If There Are No Dogs In Heaven, Then When I Die I Want To Go Where They Went.

Every Man Is Ignorant - Just On Different Subjects.

I Don't Think Either One Of Them Knows What It's All About, To Be Honest With You. Both Sides Are Doing Nothing But Just Looking Towards The Next Election.

Every Man Gets An Opportunity Once In A Lifetime.

The Minute You Read Something And You Can't Understand It, You Can Be Sure It Was Written By A Lawyer. Then, If You Give It To Another Lawyer To Read And He Don't Know Just What It Means, Then You Can Be Sure It Was Drawn Up By A Lawyer. If It's In A Few Words And Is Plain, And Understandable Only One Way, It Was Written By A Non-lawyer.

We Will Never Get Anywhere With Our Finances Till We Pass A Law Saying...every Time We Appropriate Something, We...pass Another Bill...stating Where The Money Is Coming From.

A Realtor Is An Old Fashioned Real Estate Man With A Neck Tie. A Real Estate Man Sold You What You Wanted, A Realtor Sells You What You Don't Need. A Real Estate Man Showed You What You Could Raise On The Land, A Realtor Tells You What You Can Build On It.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

If We Have Senators And Congressmen There That Can't Protect Themselves Against The Evil Temptations Of Lobbyists, We Don't Need To Change Our Lobbies, We Need To Change Our Representatives.

Horsemanship Through The History Of All Nations Has Been Considered One Of The Highest Accomplishments. You Can't Pass A Park Without Seeing A Statue Of Some Old Codger On A Horse. It Must Be To His Bravery, You Can Tell It's Not To His Horsemanship.

Our Constitution Protects Aliens, Drunks And U.s. Senators.

It Takes A Lifetime To Build A Good Reputation, But You Can Lose It In A Minute.

I Would Never Make A Good Economist. You Know, An Economist Is A Man That Can Tell You Anything About — Well, He Will Tell You What Can Happen Under Any Given Condition — And His Guess Is Liable To Be As Good As Anybody Else's, Too.

It's Getting So If A Man Wants To Stand Well Socially, He Can't Afford To Be Seen With Either The Democrats Or The Republicans.

I Know Things Are Going To Get Better In Spite Of Both Sides. Then When Things Do Get Better, Then You'll Hear The Yell That Will Go Up. The Democrats Will Swear That Recovery Was Due To Them. Now The Republicans, They'll Say It Was Due To Them. Nobody Wanted To Claim The Credit For The Country Blowing Up, But Wait Until It Starts Picking Up And They'll Both Be On It Then. See?

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

You Know The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, You Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other. The One That's Out Always Looks The Best. My Only Solution Would Be To Keep Em Both Out One Term And Hire My Good Friend Henry Ford To Run The Whole Thing, And Give Him A Commission On What He Saves Us.

The United States Never Lost A War Or Won A Conference.

You Know, A Communist's Whole Life Work Is Based On Complaint Of How Everything Is Done.... So If They Ever Get Their Country Running Good They Will Defeat Their Own Cause.

There Are Men Running Governments Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play With Matches.

Funny Thing About Being A U.s. Senator, The Only Thing The Law Says You Have To Be Is 30 Years Old. Not Another Single Requirement. They Just Figure That A Man That Old Got Nobody To Blame But Himself If He Gets Caught In There.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

One Of These Days They Are Going To Remove So Much Of The 'hooey' And The Thousands Of Things The Schools Have Become Clogged Up With, And We Will Find That We Can Educate Our Broods For About One-tenth Of The Price And Learn 'em Something That They Might Accidentally Use After They Escape.

Hundreds And Hundreds Of Beautiful Horses In The Parade And A Man Without A Silver Saddle Is A Vagrant.

We Can't All Be Heroes, Because Somebody Has To Sit On The Curb And Applaud When They Go By.

Land Taxes Is The Thing. They Got So High That There Is No Chance To Make Anything. Not Only Land But All Property Tax. You See In The Old Days, Why The Only Thing They Knew How To Tax Was Land, Or A House. Well, That Condition Went Along For Quite Awhile, So Even Today The Whole Country Tries To Run Its Revenue On Taxes On Land. They Never Ask If The Land Makes Anything. "it's Land Ain't It? Well Tax It Then."

There Ain't Nothing That Breaks Up Homes, Country And Nations Like Somebody Publishing Their Memoirs

Coolidge Has The Best Idea On This Farm Relief. He Said, 'farmers, You Are In A Hole. I Can't Help You, But I Will Get In With You.' He Did. That Made It Fine So The Farmers Were Satisfied As Long As Coolidge Was Going To Get In With Them.

There Is No More Interesting Place In The World To Meet Characters Than A Movie Set.

And If You Call One A Real Estate Agent And He Won't Sell You Anything. He Is A Realator. It's The Same As What The Old Fashioned Real Estate Agent Used To Be Only The Commission Is Different.

Nothing Makes A Man, Or A Body Of Men, As Mad As The Truth. If There Is No Truth In It, They Laugh It Off.

And, When The Votes Are Counted, Let Everybody, Including The Candidates, Get Into A Good Humor As Quick As They Got Into A Bad One.

Believe In Something For Another World, But Don't Be Too Set On What It Is, And Then You Won't Start Out That Life With A Disappontment. Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose You Are Ahead.

Originality Will Be Rewarded In Any Line.

Women Are Not The Weak, Frail Little Flowers That They Are Advertised. There Has Never Been Anything Invented Yet, Including War, That A Man Would Enter Into, That A Woman Wouldn't, Too.

America Is A Nation That Conceives Many Odd Inventions For Getting Somewhere But It Can Think Of Nothing To Do Once It Gets There.

Worrying Is Like Paying On A Debt That May Never Come Due.

If You Let Women Have Their Way, You Will Generally Get Even With Them In The End.

An Onion Can Make People Cry But There's Never Been A Vegetable That Can Make People Laugh.

There Is Something About A Republican That You Can Only Stand Him Just So Long; And On The Other Hand, There Is Something About A Democrat That You Can't Stand Him Quite That Long.

One Way To Solve The Traffic Problem Is To Keep All The Cars That Are Not Paid For Off The Streets.

The Older We Get, The Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.

Funny Happy Birthday

Waiting In Line

Pain Is Such An Uncomfortable Feeling That Even A Tiny Amount Of It Is Enough To Ruin Every Enjoyment.

Uncomfortable Feeling

So The Question Rises: How Much Liberty Can You Get Away With? Well, You Get No More Liberty Than You Give!

You Could Transfer Congress Over To Run Standard Oil Or General Motors, And They Would Have Both Things Bankrupt In Two Years.

Everything Is Funny, As Long As It's Happening To Somebody Else.

I Wonder If It Isn't Just Cowardice Instead Of Generosity That Makes Us Give Tips.

There Are Two Things I Don't Care How Smart You Are, You Will Never Understand. One Is An Alienist's Testimony, And The Other Is A Railroad Timetable.

This Stuff They Are Talking Here In Congress Costs The People Of The United States $44 A Page. That's Beside What It Costs To Ship It To The Asylums Where It's Read.

The Trouble With Practical Jokes Is That Very Often They Get Elected.

What Would We Say If The Chinese Sent A Gunboat With Their Marines Up The Mississippi River Claiming They Were Protecting Their Laundries In Memphis?

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

A Senator Got Up Today In Congress And Called His Fellow Senators Sons Of Wild Jackasses. Now, If You Think The Senators Were Hot, Imagine How The Jackasses Must Feel.

If This Depression Stays With Us, The Loser Tuesday Is Going To Be The Winner.

Nobody Wants To Be Called Common People, Especially Common People.

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

It's A Good Thing We Don't Get All The Government We Pay For.

We Had A Great Lunch. Senator Capper Paid For It. The Republican Pays, As Usual. And Everything That The Democrats Are Doin' Now, The Republicans Pay For It. Everybody Asks Me, "will, How Long Is This Going To Go On, Spending All This Money And Everything Going Like This?" I Says, "well, It Will Go On Just As Long As The Republicans Has Got Any Money. That's All I Know About It."

You Never Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression.

Elections Are A Good Deal Like Marriages. There's No Accounting For Anyone's Taste. Every Time We See A Bridegroom We Wonder Why She Ever Picked Him, And It's The Same With Public Officials.

A Difference Of Opinion Is What Makes Horse Racing And Missionaries.

The Fellow That Can Only See A Week Ahead Is Always The Popular Fellow, For He Is Looking With The Crowd. But The One That Can See Years Ahead, He Has A Telescope But He Can't Make Anybody Believe That He Has It.

This Thing Of Being A Hero, About The Main Thing To It Is To Know When To Die.

The Problem Ain't What People Know. It's What People Know That Ain't So That's The Problem.

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