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Here Is My Farm Relief Bill: Every Time A Southerner Plants Nothing On His Farm But Cotton Year After Year, And The Northerner Nothing But Wheat Or Corn, Why, Take A Hammer And Hit Him Twice Right Between The Eyes. You May Dent Your Hammer, But It Will Do More Real Good Than All The Bills You Can Pass In A Year.

-Will Rogers

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Here Is My Farm

Will Rogers

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Here Is My Farm Relief Bill: Every Time A Southerner Plants Nothing On His Farm But Cotton Year After Year, And The Northerner Nothing But Wheat Or Corn, Why, Take A Hammer And Hit Him Twice Right Between The Eyes. You May Dent Your Hammer, But It Will Do More Real Good Than All The Bills You Can Pass In A Year.

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It's The Greatest Game I Ever Saw. You Can't Lose. Everybody Buys To Sell And Nobody Buys To Keep. What's Worrying Me Is Who Is Going To Be The Last Owner. It's Just Like An Auction; The Only One Stuck Is The Last One.

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

Being Young Is Beautiful, But Being Old Is Comfortable.

I Don't Know What Humor Is.

Take Me Ham Away, Take Away My Eggs, Even My Chili, But Leave Me My Newspaper.

No Man Is Great If He Thinks He Is.

We Don't Give Our Criminals Much Punishment, But We Sure Give 'em Plenty Of Publicity.

Make Crime Pay. Become A Lawyer.

Harvard Students Have Completed More English Courses And Less Forward Passes Than Any School In This Generation.

This Generation

I Am Not A Member Of Any Organized Political Party. I Am A Democrat.

Prosperity This Winter Is Going To Be Enjoyed By Everybody That Is Fortunate Enough To Get Into The Poor Farm.

When I Make A Joke, Nobody Gets Injured... When Congress Makes A Joke, It's The Law.

I Guess There Is No Two Races Of People In Worse Repute With Everybody Than The International Bankers, And The Folks That Put All Those Pins In New Shirts.

We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

The Best Way Out Of A Difficulty Is Through It.

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Every Guy Looks In His Pocket And Then Votes.

If A Thousand Shares Of Stocks Or Bonds Make Nothing, You Pay Nothing. But On A Thousand Acres Of Land You Pay Enough To Support Half The Community Who Own No Land And Pay No Taxes.

We Are Always Yapping About The 'good Old Days' And How We Look Back And Enjoy It, But I Tell You There Is A Lot Of Hooey To It. There Is A Whole Lot Of All Our Past Lives That Wasn't So Hot.

My Father Was One-eighth Cherokee Indian And My Mother Was Quarter-blood Cherokee. I Never Got Far Enough In Arithmetic To Figure Out How Much Injun That Made Me, But There's Nothing Of Which I Am More Proud Than My Cherokee Blood.

The Income Tax Has Made Liars Out Of More Americans Than Golf.

The American People Are A Very Generous People And Will Forgive Almost Any Weakness, With The Possible, Exception Of Stupidity.

I Originated A Remark Many Years Ago That I Think Has Been Copied More Than Any Little Thing That I've Ever Said, And I Used It In The Follies Of 1922. I Said America Has A Unique Record. We Never Lost A War And We Never Won A Conference In Our Lives. I Believe That We Could Without Any Degree Of Egotism, Single-handed Lick Any Nation In The World. But We Can't Confer With Costa Rica And Come Home With Our Shirts On.

It Looks To Me Like The Candidates Are Trying To Relieve The Farmer Of His Vote, Instead Of His Debts.

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

If All The Time Consumed In Attending Dinners And Luncheons Was Consumed In Some Work, The Production Of This Country Would Be Doubled

Rotation Of Crops And Less Automobiles Will Relieve The Farmers Whenever They Decide To Try It.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

Things In Our Country Run In Spite Of Government, Not By Aid Of It.

If The Other Fellow Sells Cheaper Than You, It Is Called Dumping. 'course, If You Sell Cheaper Than Him, That's Mass Production.

If Your Time Is Worth Anything, Travel By Air. If Not, You Might Just As Well Walk.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

Does College Pay? They Do If You Are A Good Open-field Runner.

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

Don't Be Misled By History, Or Any Other Unreliable Source.

The More That Learn To Read The Less Learn How To Make A Living. That's One Thing About A Little Education. It Spoils You For Actual Work. The More You Know The More You Think Somebody Owes You A Living.

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

If You Live Right, Death Is A Joke To You As Far As Fear Is Concerned.

Nothing Makes A Man, Or A Body Of Men, As Mad As The Truth. If There Is No Truth In It, They Laugh It Off.

Our Country Has Plenty Of Five-cent Cigars, But The Trouble Is They Charge Fifteen Cents For Them.

The Crime Of Taxation Is Not In The Taking It, It's In The Way That It's Spent.

The Government Says They Have Loaned Over One Billion Dollars To The Farmers. In Other Words, We Can't Help You Make Any Money, But We Will Show You Where You Can Owe Some More.

Successful Colleges Will Start Laying Plans For A New Stadium; Unsuccessful Ones Will Start Hunting A New Coach

It Ain't So Much What A Man Doesn't Know That Causes Him So Many Problems, But What He Knows That Ain't So.

There Is Not A Better Day In The World To Be Spent Than With A Lot Of Wise Old Cowmen Around Barbecued Beef, Black Coffee And Good "free Holy" Beans.

Golf Is Good For The Soul. You Get So Mad At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

It Looks Like The Financial Giants Of The World Have Bungled As Much As The Diplomats And Politicians. This Would Be A Great Time In The World For Some Man To Come Along That Knew Something.

George Washington Was Quite A Farmer. He Was A Farmer, Civil Engineer And Gentleman. He Made Enough At Civil Engineering To Indulge In Both The Other Luxuries.

Everybody Is Ignorant, Only On Different Subjects.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else ... I Was Not A Child Prodigy, Because A Child Prodigy Is A Child Who Knows As Much When It Is A Child As It Does When It Grows Up.

We All Joke About Congress But We Can't Improve On Them. Have You Noticed That No Matter Who We Elect, He Is Just As Bad As The One He Replaces?

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. My Folks Were Indian. Both My Mother And Father Had Cherokee Blood In Them. I Was Born And Raised In Indian Territory. 'course We're Not The Americans Whose Ancestors Came Over On The Mayflower, But We Met Them At The Boat When They Landed.

I Am A Great Believer In High-priced People. If A Thing Cost A Lot It May Not Be Any Better, But It Adds A Certain Amount Of Class That The Cheap Thing Can Never Approach; In The Long Run It's The Higher-priced Things That Are The Cheapest.

There Ain't Nothing That Breaks Up Homes, Country And Nations Like Somebody Publishing Their Memoirs

If You Don't Have Malice In Our Heart, It Doesn't Come Across Harsh.

You Politicians Have Got To Look Further Ahead; You Always Got A Putter In Your Hands, When You Ought To Have A Driver.

The Trouble With Land Is That They're Not Making It Anymore.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

Golf Is A Wonderful Exercise. You Can Stand On Your Feet For Hours, Watching Somebody Else Putt.

The Trouble With Democrats Is That They All Want To Run For President

I Would Rather Be The Man Who Bought The Brooklyn Bridge Than The Man Who Sold It.

Brooklyn Bridge

Baseball Is A Skilled Game. It's America's Game - It, And High Taxes.

One Way To Solve The Traffic Problem Is To Keep All The Cars That Are Not Paid For Off The Streets.

When You Straddle A Thing It Takes A Long Time To Explain It.

A Foreigner Coming Here And Reading The Congressional Record Would Say That The President Of The United States Was Elected Solely For The Purpose Of Giving Senators Somebody To Call A Horse Thief.

There Are Two Theories To Arguing With A Woman. Neither Works.

The Minute You Read Something And You Can't Understand It, You Can Be Sure It Was Written By A Lawyer. Then, If You Give It To Another Lawyer To Read And He Don't Know Just What It Means, Then You Can Be Sure It Was Drawn Up By A Lawyer. If It's In A Few Words And Is Plain, And Understandable Only One Way, It Was Written By A Non-lawyer.

You Know, A Communist's Whole Life Work Is Based On Complaint Of How Everything Is Done.... So If They Ever Get Their Country Running Good They Will Defeat Their Own Cause.

Money And Women Are The Most Sought After And The Least Known About Of Any Two Things We Have.

Coolidge Has The Best Idea On This Farm Relief. He Said, 'farmers, You Are In A Hole. I Can't Help You, But I Will Get In With You.' He Did. That Made It Fine So The Farmers Were Satisfied As Long As Coolidge Was Going To Get In With Them.

One Of These Days They Are Going To Remove So Much Of The 'hooey' And The Thousands Of Things The Schools Have Become Clogged Up With, And We Will Find That We Can Educate Our Broods For About One-tenth Of The Price And Learn 'em Something That They Might Accidentally Use After They Escape.

Everytime A Lawyer Writes Something, He Is Not Writing For Posterity, He Is Writing Something So That Endless Others Of His Craft Can Make A Living Out Of Trying To Figure Out What He Said. Course Perhaps He Really Haden't Said Anything, That's What Makes It So Hard To Explain.

A Holding Company Is The People You Give Your Money To While You're Being Searched.

Worrying Is Like Paying On A Debt That May Never Come Due.

Both Gangs Have Been Bad Sports, So See If At Least One Can't Redeem Themselves By Offering No Alibis, But Cooperate With The Winner, For No Matter Which One It Is The Poor Fellow Is Going To Need It.

It's No Laughing Matter Being A Republican In These Perilous Times. Anyone Can Be A Republican When The Stock Market Is Up, But When Stocks Are Selling For No More Than They're Worth, I Tell You, Being A Republican - It's A Sacrifice.

On Account Of Being A Democracy And Run By The People, We Are The Only Nation In The World That Has To Keep A Government Four Years, No Matter What It Does.

There Isn't Any Finer Folks Living Than A Republican That Votes The Democratic Ticket.

I Traveled A Good Deal All Over The World, And I Got Along Pretty Good In All These Foreign Countries, For I Have A Theory That It's Their Country And They Got A Right To Run It Like They Want To.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

Borrowing Money On What's Called 'easy Terms,' Is A One-way Ticket To The Poor House. If You Think It Ain't A Sucker Game, Why Is Your Banker The Richest Man In Your Town? Why Is Your Bank The Biggest And Finest Building In Your Town? Instead Of Passing Bills To Make Borrowing Easy, If Congress Had Passed A Bill That No Person Could Borrow A Cent Of Money From Any Other Person, They Would Have Gone Down In History As Committing The Greatest Bit Of Legislation In The World.

An Economist Is A Man That Can Tell You...what Can Happen Under Any Given Condition, And His Guess Is Liable To Be As Good As Anybody Else's Too.

There's A Simple Solution To Our Traffic Problems. We'll Have Business Build The Roads, And Government Build The Cars.

The United States Investigates Everything - Usually After It's Dead.

I Have A Scheme For Stopping War. It's This - No Nation Is Allowed To Enter A War Till They Have Paid For The Last One.

Now If There Is One Thing That We Do Worse Than Any Other Nation, It Is Try And Manage Somebody Else's Affairs.

So Here We Are In A Country With More Wheat And Corn And More Money In The Bank, More Cotton, More Everything In The World-there's Not A Product That You Can Name That We Haven't Got More Of Than Any Other Country Ever Had On The Face Of The Earth-and Yet We've Got People Starving. We'll Hold The Distinction Of Being The Only Nation In The History Of The World That Ever Went To The Poor House In An Automobile.

Instead Of Giving Money To Found Colleges To Promote Learning, Why Don't They Pass A Constitutional Amendment Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything? If It Works As Good As The Prohibition One Did, Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

We Don't Seem To Be Able To Check Crime, So Why Not Legalize It And Then Tax It Out Of Business?

Long Ago When Men Cursed And Beat The Ground With Sticks, It Was Called Witchcraft. Today It's Called Golf.

There Is Only One Redeeming Thing About This Whole Election. It Will Be Over At Sundown, And Let Everybody Pray That It's Not A Tie, For We Couldn't Go Through With This Thing Again.

Funny Thing About Being A U.s. Senator, The Only Thing The Law Says You Have To Be Is 30 Years Old. Not Another Single Requirement. They Just Figure That A Man That Old Got Nobody To Blame But Himself If He Gets Caught In There.

Don't Raise Anything, Except What Fits Your Appetite. Then The Price Don't Worry You. Just Raise All You Can Eat And Let The Low Prices Go By.

Will Rogers Used To Say He Wouldn't Run For President No Matter How Badly The Country Needed A Comedian.

If You Are Trying To Get Out Of The Hole, Stop Digging.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

You Could Transfer Congress Over To Run Standard Oil Or General Motors, And They Would Have Both Things Bankrupt In Two Years.

The French Couldn't Hate Us Any More Unless We Helped 'em Out In Another War.

When You Give A Lesson In Meanness To A Critter Or A Person, Don't Be Surprised If They Learn Their Lesson.

And Kid Congress And The Senate, Dont Scold Em. They Are Just Children Thats Never Grown Up. They Dont Like To Be Corrected In Company. Dont Send Messages To Em, Send Candy.

I Bet After Seeing Us, George Washington Would Sue Us For Calling Him 'father.'

There Is Nothing In The World That We Do As Much As We Do Eating

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

In All Your Life, You Will Never Find A Method More Effective In Getting Through To Another Person Than To Make That Person Feel Important.

I Represent What Is Left Of A Vanishing Race, And That Is The Pedestrian. That I Am Still Able To Be Here, I Owe To A Keen Eye And A Nimble Pair Of Legs. But I Know They'll Get Me Someday.

America Already Holds The Record For Freak Movements. Now We Have A New One. It's Called "restoring Confidence." Rich Men Who Never Had A Mission In Life Outside Of Watching A Stock Ticker Are Working Day And Night "restoring Confidence." Writers Are Working Night Shifts, Speakers' Tables Are Littered Up, Ministers Are Preaching Statistics, All On "restoring Confidence."

The Republicans Have Their Splits Right After Election And Democrats Have Theirs Just Before An Election.

If I Could Kick The Person In The Tail That Causes Me The Most Problems I Could Not Sit Down For A Week

There Is Something About A Republican That You Can Only Stand Him Just So Long; And On The Other Hand, There Is Something About A Democrat That You Can't Stand Him Quite That Long.

I See A Good Deal Of Talk From Washington About Lowering Taxes-i Hope They Do Get 'em Lowered Enough So People Can Afford To Pay 'em

Ten Men In Our Country Could Buy The Whole World And Ten Million Can't Buy Enough To Eat.

When Should A College Athlete Turn Pro? Not Until He Has Earned All He Can In College As An Amateur.

I'll Bet You The Time Ain't Far Off When A Woman Won't Know Any More Than A Man.

If Any Of Us Had A Child That We Thought Was As Bad As We Know We Are, We Would Have Cause To Start To Worry.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

Your Mothers Get Mighty Shocked At You Girls Nowadays, But In Her Day, Her Mother Was Just On The Verge Of Sending Her To Reform School.

We Are The First Nation In The History Of The World To Go To The Poorhouse In An Automobile.

There Is No More Interesting Place In The World To Meet Characters Than A Movie Set.

If You Can Build A Business Up Big Enough, It's Respectable.

If We Could Just Go Back The Last Two Or Three Years And Do Our Buying A Little More Carefully, Why... We Would Be O.k.

Both Political Parties Have Their Good Times And Bad Times, Only They Have Them At Different Times.

Americans Will Feed Anyone That's Not Close To Them.

A Politician Is Just Like A Pickpocket; It's Almost Impossible To Get Him To Reform.

I Am Always Going To Do My Best, No Matter Where I Am.

You Shake A Slogan At An American And It's Just Like Showing A Hungry Dog A Bone.

The Government Sent The Indians To Oklahoma. They Had A Treaty That Said, 'you Shall Have This Land As Long As Grass Grows And Water Flows.' It Was Not Only A Good Rhyme But Looked Like A Good Treaty, And It Was Till They Struck Oil. Then The Government Took It Away From Us Again. They Said The Treaty Only Refers To 'water And Grass; It Don't Say Anything About Oil.'

If You Let Women Have Their Way, You Will Generally Get Even With Them In The End.

I Can Remember Way Back When A Liberal Was One Who Was Generous With His Money.

We Elect Our Presidents, Be They Republican Or Democrat, Then Start Daring 'em To Make Good.

The Problem Ain't What People Know. It's What People Know That Ain't So That's The Problem.

Cities Are Like Gentlemen, They Are Born, Not Made. You Are Either A City, Or You Are Not, Size Has Nothing To Do With It. I Bet San Francisco Was A City From The Very First Time It Had A Dozen Settlers. New York Is "yokel", But San Francisco Is "city At Heart".

There Is Some Talk Of Lowering (the Income Tax), And They Will Have To. People Are Not Making Enough To Pay It.

Say, This New Home Building Idea Of President Hoover's Sounds Good. They Are Working Out A Lot Of Beneficial Things. The Only Thing Is It Took 'em So Long To Think Of Any Of 'em. We Ought To Have Plans In Case Of Depression, Just Like We Do In Case Of Fire, 'walk, Don't Run, To The Nearest Exit.'

Sure Must Be A Great Consolation To The Poor People Who Lost Their Stock In The Late Crash To Know That It Has Fallen In The Hands Of Mr. Rockefeller, Who Will Take Care Of It And See That It Has A Good Home And Never Be Allowed To Wander Around Unprotected Again. There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And The Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

I Don't Know How A Lot Of These Nations Existed As Long As They Have Till We Could Get Some Of Our People Around And Show 'em How To Be Good And Pure Like Us.

Politics Has Become So Expensive That It Takes A Lot Of Money Even To Be Defeated.

You Can't Legitimately Kick On Income Tax, For It's On What You Have Made. You Have Already Made It. But, Look At Land, Farms, Homes, Stores, Vacant Lots. You Pay Year After Year On Them Whether You Make It Or Not.

More Men Have Been Elected Between Sundown And Sunup Than Ever Were Elected Between Sunup And Sundown.

I Never Met A Man That I Didn't Like.

The Taxpayers Are Sending Congressmen On Expensive Trips Abroad. It Might Be Worth It Except They Keep Coming Back

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

I Do Honestly Believe The Republicans Have Reformed And Want To Do Better. But Whether They Have Done It In Time To Win The Election Is Another Thing. The Old Voter Is Getting So He Wants To Be Saved Before October Every Election Year.

The Best Thing About This Group Of Candidates Is That Only One Of Them Can Win.

We Will Never Get Anywhere With Our Finances Till We Pass A Law Saying...every Time We Appropriate Something, We...pass Another Bill...stating Where The Money Is Coming From.

After Eating An Entire Bull, A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring. He Kept It Up Until A Hunter Came Along And Shot Him... The Moral: When You're Full Of Bull, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Diplomats Are Just As Essential To Starting A War As Soldiers Are For Finishing It... You Take Diplomacy Out Of War, And The Thing Would Fall Flat In A Week.

I Bet You, If I Had Met Trotsky, And Had Had A Chat With Him, I Would Have Found Him A Very Interesting And Human Fellow, For I Have Never Yet Met A Man I Didn't Like.

What's The Matter With The World? Why, There Ain't Nothing But One Word Wrong With Everyone Of Us, And That's Selfishness.

Farmers Spend More Time At Conventions Than They Do Plowing.

The Nation Is Prosperous On The Whole, But How Much Prosperity Is There In A Hole?

Just Because It's Common Sense, Doesn't Mean It's Common Practice.

There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War, Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

About All I Can Say For The United States Senate Is That It Opens With A Prayer And Closes With An Investigation.

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

We Do More Talking Progress Than We Do Progressing.

Everyone Wants To Vote For The Best And Most Qualified Man, But He Never Runs For Office.

A Senator Got Up Today In Congress And Called His Fellow Senators Sons Of Wild Jackasses. Now, If You Think The Senators Were Hot, Imagine How The Jackasses Must Feel.

This Country Has Come To Feel The Same When Congress Is In Session As When The Baby Gets Hold Of A Hammer.

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

If Everybody (traded His Car For A Horse) They Would Be Out Of Debt In A Couple Of Years. Just Think, No Gas, No Tires, No Roads To Pay For.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

Mona Lisa Is The Only Beauty Who Went Through History And Retained Her Reputation.

It Wasn't What We Needed Then That Was Hurting Us, It Was What We Was Paying For That We Had Already Used Up. The Country Was Just Buying Gasoline For A Leaky Tank. Everything Was Going Into A Gopher Hole And You Couldent See Where You Was Going To Get Any Of It Back.

There Wasn't Any Republicans In Washington's Day. No Republicans, No Boll Weevil, No Income Tax, No Cover Charge, No Disarmament Conference, No Luncheon Clubs, No Stop Lights, No Static, No Head Winds. My Lord, Living In Those Days, Who Wouldn't Be Great?

There Are Men Running Governments Who Shouldn't Be Allowed To Play With Matches.

The Republicans Have A Habit Of Having Three Bad Years And One Good One, And The Good One Always Happens To Be Election Years.

Don't Just Grab At The First Thing That Comes Along. Know When To Refuse Something That Won't Get You Anywhere

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

Labor Leaders Don't Do Much Laboring After They Are Able To Lead.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

There Are Three Kinds Of Men. The One That Learns By Reading. The Few Who Learn By Observation. The Rest Of Them Have To Pee On The Electric Fence For Themselves.

Horses Raise What The Farmer Eats And Eats What The Farmer Raises. You Can't Plow The Ground And Get Gasoline.

We May Elevate Ourselves But We Should Never Reach So High That We Would Every Forget Those Who Helped Us Get There.

The Money Was All Appropriated For The Top In The Hopes That It Would Trickle Down To The Needy. Mr. Hoover Didn’t Know That Money Trickled Up. Give It To The People At The Bottom And The People At The Top Will Have It Before Night, Anyhow. But It Will At Least Have Passed Through The Poor Fellow’s Hands.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

I Don't Care How Poor And Inefficient A Little Country Is - They Like To Run Their Own Business. I Know Men That Would -make My Wife A Better Husband Than I Am But, Darn It, I'm Not Going To Give Her To 'em.

The High Income Tax Come Pretty Near Passing In The Senate. Only Lacked About Six Votes. So It Won't Be Long Now. Well, There Is Millions And Millions That Are Not Making It, That Would Be Glad To Give Up 99 Per Cent If You Would Let 'em Earn A Hundred Thousand Or More.

The Self Persists Like A Dying Star, In Sleep, Afraid.

Noah Must Have Taken Into The Ark Two Taxes, One Male And One Female. And Did They Multiply Bountifully! Next To Guinea Pigs, Taxes Must Have Been The Most Prolific Animals

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

There Wasn't Any More Truth In Over Half Of What Any So-called Orator Said. If It Wasn't A Deliberate Lie, Why It Was An Exaggerated Falsehood.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

Those Tax-exempt Bonds Were Put In So That A Town Or A State Or A Government Could Sell More Bonds Than It Ought To.

Invest In Inflation. It Is The Only Thing Going Up.

Ignorance Lies Not In The Things You Don't Know, But In The Things You Know That Ain't So.

Elections Are A Good Deal Like Marriages. There's No Accounting For Anyone's Taste. Every Time We See A Bridegroom We Wonder Why She Ever Picked Him, And It's The Same With Public Officials.

We Are The Only Nation In The World That Waits Till We Get Into A War Before We Start Getting Ready For It.

You Got To Do More Than Just Live In The Country To Be A Farmer.

You Should Never Try And Teach A Pig To Read For Two Reasons. First, It's Impossible; And Secondly, It Annoys The Hell Out Of The Pig!.

Mothers Are The Only Race Of People That Speak The Same Tongue. A Mother In Manchuria Could Converse With A Mother In Nebraska And Never Miss A Word.

Now They Got Such A High Inheritance Tax On 'em That You Won't Catch These Old Rich Boys Dying Promiscuously Like They Did. This Bill Makes Patriots Out Of Everybody. You Sure Do Die For Your Country If You Die From Now On.

I Belong To No Organized Political Body. I Am A Democrat.

Congress Is Deadlocked And Can’t Act.

Democrats Never Agree On Anything, That's Why They're Democrats. If They Agreed With Each Other, They Would Be Republicans.

The Man That Found The 726-carat Diamond In Africa, Received $350,000 For It And Wants To Buy A Farm And Silk Hat. Well, I Can Understand A Man Perhaps Being Eccentric Enough To Want To Own A Silk Hat.

President Coolidge Said, 'i Don't Want The Government To Go Into Business.' Well, If I Was Mr. Coolidge I Wouldn't Worry Over That. The Government Never Has Been Accused Of Being A Business Man.

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