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When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

-Will Rogers

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When I Die, My

Will Rogers

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When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

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The Democrats Are Going To Change The Name Of The Hoover Dam. That Is The Silliest Thing I Ever Heard Of In Politics . . . Lord If They Feel That Way About It, I Don't See Why They Don't Just Reverse The Two Words.

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

We All Joke About Congress But We Can't Improve On Them. Have You Noticed That No Matter Who We Elect, He Is Just As Bad As The One He Replaces?

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

If You Get To Thinking You're A Person Of Some Influence, Try Ordering Somebody Else's Dog Around.

There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War, Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

What's The Matter With The World? Why, There Ain't Nothing But One Word Wrong With Everyone Of Us, And That's Selfishness.

When You Are Dissatisfied And Would Like To Go Back To Youth, Think Of Algebra.

There Is A Horse Here-the Furthest North Of Any Horse, And He Eats Fish And Travels On Snowshoes.

Candidates Have Been Telling You That If Elected They Would 'pull You From This Bog Hole Of Financial Misery.' Now Is A Good Chance To Get Even With 'em, By Electing 'em, Just To Prove What A Liar They Are.

There's Only One Thing That Can Kill The Movies, And That's Education.

And The Thing About My Jokes Is, They Don't Hurt Anybody. You Can Take 'em Or Leave 'em - You Can Say They're Funny Or They're Terrible Or They're Good, Or Whatever, But You Can Just Pass 'em By. But With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke, It's A Law! And Every Time They Make A Law, It's A Joke!

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

Wish All The Farmers Would Move To Town One Year, That's The Only Way I Know To Clear The Thing Up.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like."

It's The Greatest Game I Ever Saw. You Can't Lose. Everybody Buys To Sell And Nobody Buys To Keep. What's Worrying Me Is Who Is Going To Be The Last Owner. It's Just Like An Auction; The Only One Stuck Is The Last One.

Nobody Wants To Be Called Common People, Especially Common People.

There Is Only One Redeeming Thing About This Whole Election. It Will Be Over At Sundown, And Let Everybody Pray That It's Not A Tie, For We Couldn't Go Through With This Thing Again.

I Love Words But I Don't Like Strange Ones. You Don't Understand Them And They Don't Understand You. Old Words Is Like Old Friends, You Know 'em The Minute You See 'em.

It's The Fellow Who Knows When To Quit That The Audience Wants More Of.

I Would Rather Be The Man Who Bought The Brooklyn Bridge Than The Man Who Sold It.

Brooklyn Bridge

I Was Born On Nov. 4, Which Is Election Day ... My Birthday Has Made More Men And Sent More Back To Honest Work Than Any Other Days In The Year.

We Do More Talking Progress Than We Do Progressing.

I'm Not Against (bull Fighting). Some Nations Like To See Blood, And Some Like To See Their Victims Suffer From Speculation... They Kill The Bull Very Quick. Wall Street Lets You Live And Suffer.

It Is A Good Thing That We Do Not Get As Much Government As We Pay For.

Asking Europe To Disarm Is Like Asking A Man In Chicago To Give Up His Life Insurance.

I Love A Dog. He Does Nothing For Political Reasons.

My Father Was One-eighth Cherokee Indian And My Mother Was Quarter-blood Cherokee. I Never Got Far Enough In Arithmetic To Figure Out How Much Injun That Made Me, But There's Nothing Of Which I Am More Proud Than My Cherokee Blood.

A Man That Don’t Love A Horse, There Is Something The Matter With Him.

If You Want To Know When A War Might Be Coming, You Just Watch The U.s. And See When It Starts Cutting Down On Its Defenses. It's The Surest Barometer In The World.

The United States Never Lost A War Or Won A Conference.

Everyone Wants To Vote For The Best And Most Qualified Man, But He Never Runs For Office.

The French Couldn't Hate Us Any More Unless We Helped 'em Out In Another War.

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Elected.

I Am A Great Believer In High-priced People. If A Thing Cost A Lot It May Not Be Any Better, But It Adds A Certain Amount Of Class That The Cheap Thing Can Never Approach; In The Long Run It's The Higher-priced Things That Are The Cheapest.

We Have Killed More People Celebrating Our Independence Day Than We Lost Fighting For It.

The American People Are A Very Generous People And Will Forgive Almost Any Weakness, With The Possible, Exception Of Stupidity.

Don't Raise Anything, Except What Fits Your Appetite. Then The Price Don't Worry You. Just Raise All You Can Eat And Let The Low Prices Go By.

Andrew Jackson Was The First One To Think Up The Idea To Promise Everybody That If They Will Vote For You, You Will Give Them An Office When You Get It, And The More Times They Vote For You, The Bigger The Office.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. Opportunity Rarely Knocks On Your Door. Knock Rather On Opportunity's Door If You Ardently Wish To Enter.

Don't Wait To Buy Land, Buy Land And Wait.

If You Have A Radio, The Next Three Months Is A Good Time To Have It Quit Working. All You Will Hear From Now Until The 4th Of November Will Be: 'we Must Get Our Government Out Of The Hands Of Predatory Wealth.' 'the Good People Of This Great Country Are Burdened To Death With Taxes. Now What I Intend To Do Is ...' What He Intends To Do Is Try And Get Elected. That's All Any Of Them Intend To Do. Another One That Will Hum Over The Old Static Every Night Will Be: 'this Country Has Reached A Crisis In Its National Existence.'

This Would Be A Great World To Dance In If We Didn’t Have To Pay The Fiddler.

The Taxpayers Are Sending Congressmen On Expensive Trips Abroad. It Might Be Worth It Except They Keep Coming Back

Successful Colleges Will Start Laying Plans For A New Stadium; Unsuccessful Ones Will Start Hunting A New Coach

It Takes A Lifetime To Build A Good Reputation, But You Can Lose It In A Minute.

The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, The More You've Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other.

A Vision, Without A Plan, Is Just A Hallucination.

America Is The First Country Where People Go To The Poor House In Their Car.

One Revolution Is Like One Cocktail, It Just Gets You Organized For The Next.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

An Onion Can Make People Cry But There's Never Been A Vegetable That Can Make People Laugh.

The More That Learn To Read The Less Learn How To Make A Living. That's One Thing About A Little Education. It Spoils You For Actual Work. The More You Know The More You Think Somebody Owes You A Living.

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

There Is Something About A Republican That You Can Only Stand Him Just So Long; And On The Other Hand, There Is Something About A Democrat That You Can't Stand Him Quite That Long.

In Hollywood You Can See Things At Night That Are Fast Enough To Be In The Olympics In The Day Time.

There Are Two Things I Don't Care How Smart You Are, You Will Never Understand. One Is An Alienist's Testimony, And The Other Is A Railroad Timetable.

Where I Come From, They Won't Let Me Play With This Rope. They Think I Might Hurt Myself.

Lord, Let Me Live Until I Die.

What's Considered Enough Money? Just A Little Bit More.

Lobbyists Have More Offices In Washington Than The President. You See, The President Only Tells Congress What They Should Do. Lobbyists Tell'em What They Will Do.

I Never Met A Man That I Didn't Like.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

The Stock Market Has Spoiled More Appetites Than Bad Cooking.

The Republicans Have Their Splits Right After Election And Democrats Have Theirs Just Before An Election.

When You Get Into Trouble 5,000 Miles From Home, You've Got To Have Been Looking For It.

It Would Drive A Person Crazy To Dope Out Really What Does Divide The Two Parties. Prosperity Don't Divide The Two Parties, For Under Either Administration The Poor Get Poorer And The Rich Get Richer.

We Are All Ignorant. We Are Just Ignorant About Different Things.

You've Got To Be (an) Optimist To Be A Democrat, And You've Got To Be A Humorist To Stay One

It's Great To Be Great, But Its Greater To Be Human.

That's One Thing About Republican Presidents. They Never Went In Much For Plans. They Only Had One Plan. It Says "boys, My Head Is Turned. Just Get It While You Can.

The Trouble With Practical Jokes Is That Very Often They Get Elected.

I Don't Make Jokes. I Just Watch The Government And Report The Facts.

You Can't Legitimately Kick On Income Tax, For It's On What You Have Made. You Have Already Made It. But, Look At Land, Farms, Homes, Stores, Vacant Lots. You Pay Year After Year On Them Whether You Make It Or Not.

It Ain't So Much What A Man Doesn't Know That Causes Him So Many Problems, But What He Knows That Ain't So.

No Man Is Great If He Thinks He Is.

We Don't Seem To Be Able To Check Crime, So Why Not Legalize It And Then Tax It Out Of Business?

Noah Must Have Taken Into The Ark Two Taxes, One Male And One Female. And Did They Multiply Bountifully! Next To Guinea Pigs, Taxes Must Have Been The Most Prolific Animals

If Any Of Us Had A Child That We Thought Was As Bad As We Know We Are, We Would Have Cause To Start To Worry.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

I Bet After Seeing Us, George Washington Would Sue Us For Calling Him 'father.'

A Company Is Known By The People It Keeps.

Wise Man Once Said

We Don't Know What We Want, But We Are Ready To Bite Somebody To Get It

If You're Ridin' Ahead Of The Herd, Take A Look Back Every Now And Then To Make Sure It's Still There

Long Ago When Men Cursed And Beat The Ground With Sticks, It Was Called Witchcraft. Today It's Called Golf.

Sometimes People Deserve A High Five, In The Face, With A Chair.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

There Is A Hundred Things To Single You Out For Promotion In Party Politics Besides Ability.

We Don't Give Our Criminals Much Punishment, But We Sure Give 'em Plenty Of Publicity.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison.

I See A Good Deal Of Talk From Washington About Lowering Taxes-i Hope They Do Get 'em Lowered Enough So People Can Afford To Pay 'em

I'm Not A Real Movie Star. I've Still Got The Same Wife I Started Out With Twenty-eight Years Ago.

Don't Gamble; Take All Your Savings And Buy Some Good Stock And Hold It Till It Goes Up, Then Sell It. If It Don't Go Up, Don't Buy It.

I Can Remember Way Back When A Liberal Was One Who Was Generous With His Money.

We Owe More Money Than Any Nation In The World, And We Are Lowering Taxes. When Is The Time To Pay Off A Debt If It Is Not When You Are Doing Well? You Let A Politician Return Home From Washington And Announce, 'boys We Lowered Your Taxes. We Had To Borrow The Money To Do It, But We Did It.' Say, They Would Elect Him For Life.

If A Thousand Shares Of Stocks Or Bonds Make Nothing, You Pay Nothing. But On A Thousand Acres Of Land You Pay Enough To Support Half The Community Who Own No Land And Pay No Taxes.

It Is Awful Hard To Get People Interested In Corruption Unless They Can Get Some Of It.

My Forefathers Didn't Come Over On The Mayflower, But They Met The Boat.

Native American

Statistics Have Proven That The Surest Way To Get Anything Out Of The Public Mind And Never Hear Of It Again Is To Have A Senate Committee Appointed To Look Into It.

The Money Was All Appropriated For The Top In The Hopes That It Would Trickle Down To The Needy. Mr. Hoover Didn’t Know That Money Trickled Up. Give It To The People At The Bottom And The People At The Top Will Have It Before Night, Anyhow. But It Will At Least Have Passed Through The Poor Fellow’s Hands.

Our Country Has Plenty Of Five-cent Cigars, But The Trouble Is They Charge Fifteen Cents For Them.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

The Problem In America Isn't So Much What People Don't Know; The Problem Is What People Think They Know That Just Ain't So.

Congress Knew Coolidge Would Veto The Farm Bill. There Was More Politics Than Relief In That Bill.

You Must Never Tell A Thing. You Must Illustrate It. We Learn Through The Eye And Not The Noggin.

Through The Eyes

We Are The Only Nation In The World That Waits Till We Get Into A War Before We Start Getting Ready For It.

Every Land Or Property Owner In America Would Be Tickled To Death To Pay 45 Per Cent Of His Profits, If He Didn't Have To Pay Anything If He Didn't Make It.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

America Is A Nation That Conceives Many Odd Inventions For Getting Somewhere But It Can Think Of Nothing To Do Once It Gets There.

There Is One Thing About Englishmen, They Won't Fix Anything Till It's Just About Totally Ruined. You Couldn't Get The English To Fix Anything At The Start. No! They Like To Sit And Watch It Grow Worse. Then, When It Just Looks Like The Whole Thing Has Gone Up Salt Creek, Why, The English Jump In And Rescue It.

A Man Only Learns By Two Things; One Is Reading And The Other Is Association With Smarter People.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

The 1928 Republican Convention Opened With A Prayer. If The Lord Can See His Way Clear To Bless The Republican Party The Way It's Been Carrying On, Then The Rest Of Us Ought To Get It Without Even Asking.

I Am Always Going To Do My Best, No Matter Where I Am.

You Know The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, You Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other. The One That's Out Always Looks The Best. My Only Solution Would Be To Keep Em Both Out One Term And Hire My Good Friend Henry Ford To Run The Whole Thing, And Give Him A Commission On What He Saves Us.

Be A Politician; No Training Necessary.

If Everybody (traded His Car For A Horse) They Would Be Out Of Debt In A Couple Of Years. Just Think, No Gas, No Tires, No Roads To Pay For.

If Wall Street Paid A Tax On Every “game” They Run, We Would Get Enough Revenue To Run The Government On.

I Have Often Said In Answer To Inquiries As To How I Got Away With Kidding Some Of Our Public Men, That It Was Because I Liked All Of Them Personally, And That If There Was No Malice In Your Heart There Could Be None In Your "gags", And I Have Always Said I Never Met A Man I Dident Like.

Ten Men In Our Country Could Buy The Whole World And Ten Million Can't Buy Enough To Eat.

We Fed 'em Xmas And New Years; Now All The Poor Have To Do Is Just Fill The Few Meals Until Next Xmas

We Are Here For Just A Spell, So Get A Few Laughs.

I Was Just Thinking, If It Is Really Religion With These Nudist Colonies, They Sure Must Turn Atheists In The Wintertime.

Civilization Has Taught Us To Eat With A Fork, But Even Now If Nobody Is Around We Use Our Fingers.

We Live In An Age Of 'urge'. We Do Nothing Till Somebody Shoves Us.

These Dust Storms.... Poor Farmer Spent A Lifetime Fixin' His Farm And Everything, Goes Out And Looks Down At It, And It's Up Above Him.

You Have A Wonderful Organization. I Understand You Have Ten Thousand Here. And If You Count The Ones In The Various Federal Prisons, It Brings Your Total Membership Up To Around Thirty Thousand.

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

The Way To Make Money In The Stock Market Is To Buy A Stock. Then, When It Goes Up, Sell It. If It's Not Going To Go Up, Don't Buy It!

I Remember When Being Liberal Meant Being Generous With Your Own Money.

There Wasn't Any More Truth In Over Half Of What Any So-called Orator Said. If It Wasn't A Deliberate Lie, Why It Was An Exaggerated Falsehood.

I Belong To No Organized Political Body. I Am A Democrat.

There Is Not A Better Day In The World To Be Spent Than With A Lot Of Wise Old Cowmen Around Barbecued Beef, Black Coffee And Good "free Holy" Beans.

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

I Don't Care How Poor And Inefficient A Little Country Is - They Like To Run Their Own Business. I Know Men That Would -make My Wife A Better Husband Than I Am But, Darn It, I'm Not Going To Give Her To 'em.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

Will Rogers Used To Say He Wouldn't Run For President No Matter How Badly The Country Needed A Comedian.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

It Looks To Me Like The Candidates Are Trying To Relieve The Farmer Of His Vote, Instead Of His Debts.

You Have To Have A Serious Streak In You, Or You Can't See The Funny Side Of The Other Fellow.

One-third Of The People In The United States Promote, While The Other Two-thirds Provide.

If America Ever Passes Out As A Great Nation, We Ought To Put On Our Tombstone: America Died From A Delusion She Had Moral Leadership.

Moral Leadership

There Is Nothing As Easy As Denouncing. It Don't Take Much To See That Something Is Wrong, But It Does Take Some Eyesight To See What Will Put It Right Again

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

Everytime A Lawyer Writes Something, He Is Not Writing For Posterity, He Is Writing Something So That Endless Others Of His Craft Can Make A Living Out Of Trying To Figure Out What He Said. Course Perhaps He Really Haden't Said Anything, That's What Makes It So Hard To Explain.

I Hope We Never Live To See The Day When A Thing Is As Bad As Some Of Our Newspapers Make It.

Newspapers Journalism

If You Make Any Money, The Government Shoves You In The Creek Once A Year With It In Your Pockets, And All That Don't Get Wet You Can Keep.

After Eating An Entire Bull, A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring. He Kept It Up Until A Hunter Came Along And Shot Him... The Moral: When You're Full Of Bull, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

Foreign Relations Is An Open Book-- Generally A Checkbook.

You Can Be Killed Just As Dead In An Unjustified War As You Can In One Protecting Your Own Home.

This Country Has Come To Feel The Same When Congress Is In Session As When The Baby Gets Hold Of A Hammer.

Originality Will Be Rewarded In Any Line.

Technocracy Wants To Do Everything By Machinery. Machinery Is Doing Just Fine. If It Can't Kill You, It Will Put You Out Of Work.

There Is No More Independence In Politics Than There Is In Jail.

The Movies Are The Only Business Where You Can Go Out Front And Applaud Yourself.

A Politician Is Just Like A Pickpocket; It's Almost Impossible To Get Him To Reform.

Well, Another Senator Rose And Said {as They Always Do} 'does The Gentleman Yield?' They Always Say That - Least They Call Each Other 'gentleman' In There. But The Tone They Put On The Word, It Would Sound More Appropriate If They Came Right Out And Said 'would The Coyote From Maine Yield?' 'cause That's About The Way It Sounds. Well, Then, The Other Senator Says 'i Yield' (for If He Don't The Other Guy'll Keep On Talking Anyhow). So The Coyote From Maine Says 'i Yield To...the Polecat From Oregon!'

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

You Can't Say Civilization Don't Advance... In Every War They Kill You In A New Way.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

The Man Who Never Makes A Mistake Must Get Tired Of Doing Nothing.

Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help Them Back To Bed Again.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

We Will Never Have True Civilization Until We Have Learned To Recognize The Rights Of Others.

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

There Is No More Interesting Place In The World To Meet Characters Than A Movie Set.

You Know You Are Getting Old When Everything Either Dries Up Or Leaks.

A Stranger Is Just A Friend I Haven't Met Yet.

The Government Sent The Indians To Oklahoma. They Had A Treaty That Said, 'you Shall Have This Land As Long As Grass Grows And Water Flows.' It Was Not Only A Good Rhyme But Looked Like A Good Treaty, And It Was Till They Struck Oil. Then The Government Took It Away From Us Again. They Said The Treaty Only Refers To 'water And Grass; It Don't Say Anything About Oil.'

When Should A College Athlete Turn Pro? Not Until He Has Earned All He Can In College As An Amateur.

See What Will Happen If You Don't Stop Biting Your Fingernails

A King Can Stand People's Fighting But He Can't Last Long If People Start Thinking.

Being Young Is Beautiful, But Being Old Is Comfortable.

A Foreigner Coming Here And Reading The Congressional Record Would Say That The President Of The United States Was Elected Solely For The Purpose Of Giving Senators Somebody To Call A Horse Thief.

Funny To Watch These Senators Switching Back And Forth On Prohibition. Politics Is A Great Character Builder. You Have To Take A Referendum To See What Your Convictions Are For That Day.

When You Are Satisfied, You Are Successful. For That's All There Is To Success Is Satisfaction.

In Washington, One Man Could Do What Ten Of Them Do. There Could Be Only A Quarter Or A Third As Many Congressmen Or Senators, And We Would Pick Better Ones Then. But It's The System That We Have Always Used, And There Is No Use Getting All Overcome With Perspiration Over It. Things Kinder Run Themselves, Anyhow.

Diplomacy Is The Art Of Saying 'nice Doggie' Until You Can Find A Rock.

Nothing Makes A Man, Or A Body Of Men, As Mad As The Truth. If There Is No Truth In It, They Laugh It Off.

I Don't Care How Little Your Country Is, You Got A Right To Run It Like You Want To. When The Big Nations Quit Meddling Then The World Will Have Peace.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

Any Person That Don't Read At Least One Well-written Country Newspaper Is Not Truly Informed.

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

Prohibition Is Better Than No Liquor At All.

A Holding Company Is A Thing Where You Hand An Accomplice The Goods While The Policeman Searches You.

We Elect Our Presidents, Be They Republican Or Democrat, Then Start Daring 'em To Make Good.

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

I Guess There Is Nothing That Will Get Your Mind Off Everything Like Golf. I Have Never Been Depressed Enough To Take Up The Game, But They Say You Get So Sore At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

People Who Fly Into A Rage Always Make A Bad Landing.

Why Don't Somebody Print The Truth About Our Present Economic Situation? We Spent Six Years Of Wild Buying On Credit - Everything Under The Sun, Whether We Needed It Or Not - And Now We Are Having To Pay For 'em, And We Are Howling Like A Pet Coon.

The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

Now I Am Not Unpatriotic, And I Want To Do My Bit, So I Hereby Offer My Services To My President, My Country And My Friends To Do Anything, Outside Of Serving On A Commission, That I Can In This Great Movement. But You Will Have To Give Me Some Idea Of Where "confidence" Is. And Just Who You Want It Restored To.

Just Been Talking Today Out Here To All The Senators Investigating These Stock Swindles And Overcapitalizations. There Has Been Hundreds Of Millions Lost. There Ought To Be Some Form Of Guardianship For People That Buy All This Junk. Education Won't Do It. The Buyers Are The Ones We Have Educated Up Till They Are Just Smart Enough To Fall For Everything That Comes Along.

You Can Take Any Line Of Business And Skill And The Ones Who Do It The Best Are The Ones Who Get The Most Money For It.

You Must Judge A Man's Greatness By How Much He Will Be Missed.

Politics Is Not Worrying This Country One-tenth As Much As Where To Find A Parking Space.

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