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If You Want To Know When A War Might Be Coming, You Just Watch The U.s. And See When It Starts Cutting Down On Its Defenses. It's The Surest Barometer In The World.

-Will Rogers

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Will Rogers

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If You Want To Know When A War Might Be Coming, You Just Watch The U.s. And See When It Starts Cutting Down On Its Defenses. It's The Surest Barometer In The World.

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The Best Thing About This Group Of Candidates Is That Only One Of Them Can Win.

You Politicians Have Got To Look Further Ahead; You Always Got A Putter In Your Hands, When You Ought To Have A Driver.

So Here We Are In A Country With More Wheat And Corn And More Money In The Bank, More Cotton, More Everything In The World-there's Not A Product That You Can Name That We Haven't Got More Of Than Any Other Country Ever Had On The Face Of The Earth-and Yet We've Got People Starving. We'll Hold The Distinction Of Being The Only Nation In The History Of The World That Ever Went To The Poor House In An Automobile.

Land Taxes Is The Thing. They Got So High That There Is No Chance To Make Anything. Not Only Land But All Property Tax. You See In The Old Days, Why The Only Thing They Knew How To Tax Was Land, Or A House. Well, That Condition Went Along For Quite Awhile, So Even Today The Whole Country Tries To Run Its Revenue On Taxes On Land. They Never Ask If The Land Makes Anything. "it's Land Ain't It? Well Tax It Then."

We Americans Think We Are Pretty Good! We Want To Build A House, We Cut Down Some Trees. We Want To Build A Fire, We Dig A Little Coal. But When We Run Out Of All These Things, Then We Will Find Out Just How Good We Really Are.

You Know Horses Are Smarter Than People. You Never Heard Of A Horse Going Broke Betting On People.

Golf Is Good For The Soul. You Get So Mad At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

It Costs Ten Times More To Govern Us Than It Used To, And We Are Not Governed One-tenth As Good.

I'm Not A Real Movie Star. I've Still Got The Same Wife I Started Out With Twenty-eight Years Ago.

Texas Is A Great State. It's The 'old Man River' Of States. No Matter Who Runs It Or What Happens To It Politically, It Just Keeps Rolling Along!

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

That's The Trouble With Our Charities; We Are Always Saving Somebody Away Off, When The Fellow Next To Us Ain't Eating.

Wish All The Farmers Would Move To Town One Year, That's The Only Way I Know To Clear The Thing Up.

Know What You're Doing, Love What You're Doing, And Believe In What You're Doing.

Congress Is Deadlocked And Can’t Act.

I Don't Care How Little Your Country Is, You Got A Right To Run It Like You Want To. When The Big Nations Quit Meddling Then The World Will Have Peace.

Wall Street Is Being Investigated, But They Are Not Asleep While It's Being Done. You See Where The Senate Took That Tax Off The Sales Of Stocks, Didn't You? Saved 'em $48,000,000. Now, Why Don't Somebody Investigate The Senate And See Who Got To Them To Get That Tax Removed? That Would Be A Real Investigation.

A Fanatic Is Always The Fellow That Is On The Opposite Side.

Horses Raise What The Farmer Eats And Eats What The Farmer Raises. You Can't Plow The Ground And Get Gasoline.

Government Investigations Have Always Contributed More To Our Amusement Than They Have To Our Knowledge.

Say, This New Home Building Idea Of President Hoover's Sounds Good. They Are Working Out A Lot Of Beneficial Things. The Only Thing Is It Took 'em So Long To Think Of Any Of 'em. We Ought To Have Plans In Case Of Depression, Just Like We Do In Case Of Fire, 'walk, Don't Run, To The Nearest Exit.'

Banking And After-dinner Speaking Are Two Of The Most Nonessential Industries We Have In This Country. I Am Ready To Reform, If They Are.

You Can Have All The Advanced War Methods You Want, But, After All, Nobody Has Ever Invented A War That You Don't Have To Have Somebody In The Guise Of Soldiers To Stop The Bullets.

Make Crime Pay. Become A Lawyer.

This Thing About Getting Rid Of A Man In The Cabinet Is All Right, But There Is One Bad Feature To It That Few People Realize. That Is, That Unfortunately Every One Of Them Is Replaced By Someone Else. If It Wasn't For That, This Resignation Business Would Be Great.

You Have To Have A Serious Streak In You, Or You Can't See The Funny Side Of The Other Fellow.

There Is Not A Better Day In The World To Be Spent Than With A Lot Of Wise Old Cowmen Around Barbecued Beef, Black Coffee And Good "free Holy" Beans.

We Are Here Just For A Spell And Then Pass On. So Get A Few Laughs And Do The Best You Can. Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose It, You Are Ahead.

I Read Where They Are Going To Limit Debate In The Senate. It Used To Be That A Man Could Talk All Day, But Now, As Soon As He Tells All He Knows, He Has To Sit Down. Most Of These Birds Will Just Be Getting Up And Nodding Now. Why, Some Of Them Won't Be Able To Answer Roll Call.

Every Time We Have An Election, We Get In Worse Men And The Country Keeps Right On Going. Times Have Proven Only One Thing And That Is You Can't Ruin This Country Even With Politics.

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

There Are Two Theories To Arguing With A Woman. Neither Works.

That's The Trouble With A Politician's Life-somebody Is Always Interrupting It With An Election.

If We Got One-tenth Of What Was Promised To Us In These Acceptance Speeches There Wouldn't Be Any Inducement To Go To Heaven.

Keeping Promises

Politics Are Receiving A Lot Of Attention Because We Have Nothing Else To Interest Us. No Nation In The History Of The World Was Ever Sitting As Pretty. If We Want Anything, All We Have To Do Is Go And Buy It On Credit. So That Leaves Us Without Any Economic Problem Whatever, Except Perhaps Some Day To Have To Pay For Them. But We Are Certainly Not Thinking About That This Early.

I Do Honestly Believe The Republicans Have Reformed And Want To Do Better. But Whether They Have Done It In Time To Win The Election Is Another Thing. The Old Voter Is Getting So He Wants To Be Saved Before October Every Election Year.

Coolidge Has The Best Idea On This Farm Relief. He Said, 'farmers, You Are In A Hole. I Can't Help You, But I Will Get In With You.' He Did. That Made It Fine So The Farmers Were Satisfied As Long As Coolidge Was Going To Get In With Them.

There Is Something About A Republican That You Can Only Stand Him Just So Long; And On The Other Hand, There Is Something About A Democrat That You Can't Stand Him Quite That Long.

A Successful Outcome Shows What Hard Work, Perseverance And Taking Advantage Of Your Opportunities Will Do For You.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

America Is Becoming So Educated That Ignorance Will Be A Novelty. I Will Belong To A Select Few.

Our Constitution Protects Aliens, Drunks And U.s. Senators.

You Shake A Slogan At An American And It's Just Like Showing A Hungry Dog A Bone.

We Have Killed More People Celebrating Our Independence Day Than We Lost Fighting For It.

Liberty Doesn't Work As Well In Practice As It Does In Speeches.

A King Can Stand People's Fighting But He Can't Last Long If People Start Thinking.

An Ignorant Person Is One Who Doesn't Know What You Have Just Found Out.

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

Every Man Gets An Opportunity Once In A Lifetime.

I Argue With Wife Over What Little Pieces Of Real Estate Investments We Should Try To Pay On And Hold, And Which To Let Go Back. We Always Said, "put It In Land, And You Can Always Walk On It." We Did, But No Buyers Would Walk On It With Us.

You Got To Do More Than Just Live In The Country To Be A Farmer.

The Us Is Safest When Congress Is In Recess.

We May Elevate Ourselves But We Should Never Reach So High That We Would Every Forget Those Who Helped Us Get There.

We Do More Talking Progress Than We Do Progressing.

The Lord So Constituted Everybody That No Matter What Color You Are You Require The Same Amount Of Nourishment.

Millions And Millions Of People Don't Pay An Income Tax, Because They Don't Earn Enough To Pay On One, But You Pay A Land Tax Whether It Ever Did Or Ever Will Earn You A Penny. You Should Pay On Things That You Buy Outside Of Bare Necessities. I Think This Sales Tax Is The Best Tax We Have Had In Years.

I Am A Great Believer In High-priced People. If A Thing Cost A Lot It May Not Be Any Better, But It Adds A Certain Amount Of Class That The Cheap Thing Can Never Approach; In The Long Run It's The Higher-priced Things That Are The Cheapest.

On Account Of Being A Democracy And Run By The People, We Are The Only Nation In The World That Has To Keep A Government Four Years, No Matter What It Does.

Coolidge Is A Better Example Of Evolution Than Either Bryan Or Darrow, For He Knows When Not To Talk, Which Is The Biggest Asset The Monkey Possesses Over The Human.

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

I Bet Any Sunday Could Be Made As Popular At Church As Easter Is If You Made 'em Fashion Shows Too. The Audience Is So Busy Looking At Each Other That The Preacher Just As Well Recite Gunga Din.

We Can't All Be Heroes, Because Somebody Has To Sit On The Curb And Applaud When They Go By.

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

Foreign Relations Is An Open Book-- Generally A Checkbook.

The Good People Of Dakota Offered To Give Calvin Coolidge A Farm If He Would Live On It. I Wouldn't Advise You To Give Those People Too Much Credit For Generosity. There Is Not A Farmer In Any State In The West That Wouldn't Be Glad To Give Him A Farm If He Will Paint It, Fix Up The Fences And Keep Up The Series Of Mortgages That Are On It. And If You Think Coolidge Ain't Smart, You Just Watch Him Not Take It.

I Like To Hear A Man Talk About Himself Because Then I Never Hear Anything, But Good.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

Why Don't Somebody Print The Truth About Our Present Economic Situation? We Spent Six Years Of Wild Buying On Credit - Everything Under The Sun, Whether We Needed It Or Not - And Now We Are Having To Pay For 'em, And We Are Howling Like A Pet Coon.

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

One Revolution Is Like One Cocktail, It Just Gets You Organized For The Next.

Hurray! Congress Is To Adjourn! Only Four More Days Of Congressional Burglary On The Treasury!

You've Never In Your Life Seen A Picture, I Bet Any One Of You, Never Seen A Picture Of One Of These Old Pilgrims Praying When They Didn't Have A Gun Right By The Side Of Them. That Was To See That He Got What He Was Praying For.

This Country Has Gotten Where It Is In Spite Of Politics, Not By The Aid Of It. That We Have Carried As Much Political Bunk As We Have And Still Survived Shows We Are A Super Nation.

A Man That Don’t Love A Horse, There Is Something The Matter With Him.

You Know Lincoln's Famous Remark About "god Must Have Loved The Common People, Because He Made So Many Of Them?" Well, You Are Not Going To Get People's Votes Nowadays By Calling 'em Common. Lincoln Might Have Said It, But I Bet It Was Not Until After He Was Elected.

The Minute You Read Something And You Can't Understand It, You Can Be Sure It Was Written By A Lawyer. Then, If You Give It To Another Lawyer To Read And He Don't Know Just What It Means, Then You Can Be Sure It Was Drawn Up By A Lawyer. If It's In A Few Words And Is Plain, And Understandable Only One Way, It Was Written By A Non-lawyer.

That's One Thing About Republican Presidents. They Never Went In Much For Plans. They Only Had One Plan. It Says "boys, My Head Is Turned. Just Get It While You Can.

We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

Plans Get You Into Things, But You Got To Work Your Way Out.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

We Are The Only Nation In The World That Waits Till We Get Into A War Before We Start Getting Ready For It.

George Washington Was Quite A Farmer. He Was A Farmer, Civil Engineer And Gentleman. He Made Enough At Civil Engineering To Indulge In Both The Other Luxuries.

It Rained In The Middle West. Farmers Are Learning That The Relief They Get From The Sky Beats What They Get From Washington.

Government Spending? I Don't Know What It's All About. I Don't Know Any More About This Thing Than An Economist Does, And, God Knows, He Doesn't Know Much.

There's No Way In The World You're Going To Make A Political Party Respectable Unless You Keep It Out Of Office.

If You Eliminate The Names Of Lincoln, Washington, Roosevelt, Jackson And Wilson, Both Conventions Would Get Out Three Days Earlier.

Lord, Let Me Live Until I Die.

I Go Too Fast To See Much, Only The Tops Of Everything. I've Got To Prowl Slow Some Time Through This Country.

When A Party Can't Think Of Anything Else They Always Fall Back On Lower Taxes. It Has A Magic Sound To A Voter, Just Like Fairyland Is Spoken Of And Dreamed Of By All Children. But No Child Has Ever Seen It; Neither Has Any Voter Ever Lived To See The Day When His Taxes Were Lowered. Presidents Have Been Promising Lower Taxes Since Washington Crossed The Delaware By Hand In A Row Boat. But Our Taxes Have Gotten Bigger And Their Boats Have Gotten Larger Until Now The President Crosses The Delaware In His Private Yacht.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

Funny To Watch These Senators Switching Back And Forth On Prohibition. Politics Is A Great Character Builder. You Have To Take A Referendum To See What Your Convictions Are For That Day.

The Taxpayers Are Sending Congressmen On Expensive Trips Abroad. It Might Be Worth It Except They Keep Coming Back

Here Is My Farm Relief Bill: Every Time A Southerner Plants Nothing On His Farm But Cotton Year After Year, And The Northerner Nothing But Wheat Or Corn, Why, Take A Hammer And Hit Him Twice Right Between The Eyes. You May Dent Your Hammer, But It Will Do More Real Good Than All The Bills You Can Pass In A Year.

What's Considered Enough Money? Just A Little Bit More.

We Are Sure Living In A Peculiar Time. You Get Morefor Not Working Than You Will For Working, And Morefor Not Raising A Hog Than For Raising It.

A Debt Is Just As Hard For A Government To Pay As It Is For An Individual. No Debt Ever Comes Due At A Good Time. Borrowing Is The Only Thing That Seems Handy All The Time.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

Ability Is All Right But If It Is Not Backed Up By Honesty And Public Confidence You Will Never Be A Successful Person. The Best A Man Can Do Is To Arrive At The Top In His Chosen Profession. I Have Always Maintained That One Profession Is Deserving Of As Much Honor As Another Provided It Is Honorable.

A Stranger Is Just A Friend I Haven't Met Yet.

If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess, Then Why Can't It Get Us Out?

People Learn More From Observation That They Do From Conversation.

A Man Who Dies Without Adequate Life Insurance Should Have To Come Back And See The Mess He Created.

Every Guy Looks In His Pocket And Then Votes.

It's Getting So If A Man Wants To Stand Well Socially, He Can't Afford To Be Seen With Either The Democrats Or The Republicans.

You Can Take Any Line Of Business And Skill And The Ones Who Do It The Best Are The Ones Who Get The Most Money For It.

They Have Passed The Big Inheritance Tax, And That Gets You When You Are Gone. You Used To Could Die And Be Able To Beat Taxes, But Not Now. The Undertaker Don't Go Over Your Body As Carefully As The Assessor Does Your Accumilated Assets, And He Gets His Before The Undertaker. They Have It On These Big Fortunes Now Where They Pay As High As 60 To 70 Percent Of What They Leave. That's Mighty Expensive Dying When It Runs Into Money Like That, And You Won't See 'em Dropping Off As Casually As They Have Been.

Ignorance Lies Not In The Things You Don't Know, But In The Things You Know That Ain't So.

If This Depression Stays With Us, The Loser Tuesday Is Going To Be The Winner.

Hundreds And Hundreds Of Beautiful Horses In The Parade And A Man Without A Silver Saddle Is A Vagrant.

You Could Transfer Congress Over To Run Standard Oil Or General Motors, And They Would Have Both Things Bankrupt In Two Years.

There Is Nothing As Easy As Denouncing. It Don't Take Much To See That Something Is Wrong, But It Does Take Some Eyesight To See What Will Put It Right Again

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison. They Stop More Work, Inconvenience More People, Stop More Traffic, Cause More Accidents, Entail More Expense, And Commit And Cause I Don't Remember The Other Hundred Misdemeanors.

The South Is Dry And Will Vote Dry. That Is, Everybody That Is Sober Enough To Stagger To The Polls Will.

Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

Ammunition Beats Persuasion When You Are Looking For Freedom.

When The Okies Left Oklahoma And Moved To California, They Raised The Average Intelligence Level In Both States.

I Am Always Going To Do My Best, No Matter Where I Am.

If You Want To Know How A Man Stands, Go Among The People Who Are In His Same Business.

There Is Only One Redeeming Thing About This Whole Election. It Will Be Over At Sundown, And Let Everybody Pray That It's Not A Tie, For We Couldn't Go Through With This Thing Again.

You Could Be The World's Greatest Orator And If You Don't Say Anything While Orating, They Are Going To Walk Out On You After A While.

If You Have A Radio, The Next Three Months Is A Good Time To Have It Quit Working. All You Will Hear From Now Until The 4th Of November Will Be: 'we Must Get Our Government Out Of The Hands Of Predatory Wealth.' 'the Good People Of This Great Country Are Burdened To Death With Taxes. Now What I Intend To Do Is ...' What He Intends To Do Is Try And Get Elected. That's All Any Of Them Intend To Do. Another One That Will Hum Over The Old Static Every Night Will Be: 'this Country Has Reached A Crisis In Its National Existence.'

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

Good Judgment Comes From Experience, And A Lot Of That Comes From Bad Judgment.

We Are Always Saying: Let The Law Take Its Course But What We Really Mean Is: Let The Law Take Our Course.

There Isn't Any Finer Folks Living Than A Republican That Votes The Democratic Ticket.

All One Has To Do To Get One's Stuff In The Congressional Record Is To Find A Stenographer That Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Take It Down. Then You Mark In The 'applause' And 'laughter' Parts Yourself.

If A Bank Fails In China, They Behead The Men At The Top Of It That Was Responsible... If We Beheaded All Of Ours That Were Responsible For Bank Failures, We Wouldn't Have Enough People Left To Bury The Heads.

Americans Will Feed Anyone That's Not Close To Them.

Do The Best You Can, And Don't Take Life Too Serious.

I See Where We Are Starting To Pay Some Attention To Our Neighbors To The South. We Could Never Understand Why Mexico Wasn't Just Crazy About Us, For We Have Always Had Their Good Will, And Oil And Minerals, At Heart

When Everybody Has Got Money They Cut Taxes, And When They're Broke They Raise Them. That's Statesmanship Of The Highest Order.

It Wasn't What We Needed Then That Was Hurting Us, It Was What We Was Paying For That We Had Already Used Up. The Country Was Just Buying Gasoline For A Leaky Tank. Everything Was Going Into A Gopher Hole And You Couldent See Where You Was Going To Get Any Of It Back.

Prohibition Is Better Than No Liquor At All.

Everything Worthwhile Is A Good Idea, But Did You Ever Notice There Is More Bad Ideas That Will Work Than There Is Good Ones?

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

I Guess There Is Nothing That Will Get Your Mind Off Everything Like Golf. I Have Never Been Depressed Enough To Take Up The Game, But They Say You Get So Sore At Yourself You Forget To Hate Your Enemies.

What Would We Say If The Chinese Sent A Gunboat With Their Marines Up The Mississippi River Claiming They Were Protecting Their Laundries In Memphis?

Our President Delivered His State Of The Union Message To Congress. That Is One Of The Things His Contract Calls For -- To Tell Congress The Condition Of The Country. This Message, As I Say, Is To Congress. The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

Funny Thing About Being A U.s. Senator, The Only Thing The Law Says You Have To Be Is 30 Years Old. Not Another Single Requirement. They Just Figure That A Man That Old Got Nobody To Blame But Himself If He Gets Caught In There.

People Should Be More Concerned With The Return Of Their Principal Than The Return On Their Principal.

What's The Matter With The World? Why, There Ain't Nothing But One Word Wrong With Everyone Of Us, And That's Selfishness.

Course, That's The Trouble With Politics, It Breeds Politics! So That Makes It Pretty Hard To Stamp Out.

Outside Of Traffic, There Is Nothing That Has Held This Country Back As Much As Committees.

The Trouble With Our Praying Is, We Just Do It As A Means Of Last Resort.

If Your Time Is Worth Anything, Travel By Air. If Not, You Might Just As Well Walk.

Politics Has Become So Expensive That It Takes A Lot Of Money Even To Be Defeated.

Golf Is A Wonderful Exercise. You Can Stand On Your Feet For Hours, Watching Somebody Else Putt.

It's The Fellow Who Knows When To Quit That The Audience Wants More Of.

You Can't Legitimately Kick On Income Tax, For It's On What You Have Made. You Have Already Made It. But, Look At Land, Farms, Homes, Stores, Vacant Lots. You Pay Year After Year On Them Whether You Make It Or Not.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

A Conference Is Just An Admission That You Want Somebody To Join You In Your Troubles.

A Senator Got Up Today In Congress And Called His Fellow Senators Sons Of Wild Jackasses. Now, If You Think The Senators Were Hot, Imagine How The Jackasses Must Feel.

Invest In Inflation. It Is The Only Thing Going Up.

People Are Marvelous In Their Generosity, If They Just Know The Cause Is There.

Every Man Is Ignorant - Just On Different Subjects.

Never Blame A Legislative Body For Not Doing Something. When They Do Nothing, That Don't Hurt Anybody. When They Do Something Is When They Become Dangerous.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

Worrying Is Like Paying On A Debt That May Never Come Due.

In The Middle West Now You Got To Put A Brand On Your Soil, Then In The Spring Go On A Round-up Looking For It.

America Has The Best Politicians Money Can Buy.

If A Man Ain't Nothin' Else, Then He's An Artist. It's The Only Thing He Can Claim To Be That Nobody Can Prove He Ain't.

The Government Sent The Indians To Oklahoma. They Had A Treaty That Said, 'you Shall Have This Land As Long As Grass Grows And Water Flows.' It Was Not Only A Good Rhyme But Looked Like A Good Treaty, And It Was Till They Struck Oil. Then The Government Took It Away From Us Again. They Said The Treaty Only Refers To 'water And Grass; It Don't Say Anything About Oil.'

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

Everything Is Changing. People Are Taking Their Comedians Seriously And The Politicians As A Joke.

Sure Must Be A Great Consolation To The Poor People Who Lost Their Stock In The Late Crash To Know That It Has Fallen In The Hands Of Mr. Rockefeller, Who Will Take Care Of It And See That It Has A Good Home And Never Be Allowed To Wander Around Unprotected Again. There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And The Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

Harvard Students Have Completed More English Courses And Less Forward Passes Than Any School In This Generation.

This Generation

I Was Just Thinking, If It Is Really Religion With These Nudist Colonies, They Sure Must Turn Atheists In The Wintertime.

Pain Is Such An Uncomfortable Feeling That Even A Tiny Amount Of It Is Enough To Ruin Every Enjoyment.

Uncomfortable Feeling

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

The Self Persists Like A Dying Star, In Sleep, Afraid.

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

Eventually You Will Reach A Point When You Stop Lying About Your Age And Start Bragging About It.

You Have A Wonderful Organization. I Understand You Have Ten Thousand Here. And If You Count The Ones In The Various Federal Prisons, It Brings Your Total Membership Up To Around Thirty Thousand.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

We're All Ignorant, Just About Different Stuff.

You Know You've Got To Exercise Your Brain Just Like Your Muscles.

They Are Each Good When They Are Out, And Each Bad When They Are In.

The Republicans Have A Habit Of Having Three Bad Years And One Good One, And The Good One Always Happens To Be Election Years.

Farmers, Get Out Your Sense Of Humor. Congress Meets To Relieve You Again Next Week.

I Don't See Why A Man Shouldn't Pay An Inheritance Tax. If A Country Is Good Enough To Pay Taxes To While You Are Living, It's Good Enough To Pay In After You Die. By The Time You Die You Should Be So Used To Paying Taxes That It Would Just Be Almost Second Nature To You.

Mona Lisa Is The Only Beauty Who Went Through History And Retained Her Reputation.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

Why One Ad Is Worth More To A Paper Than 40 Editorials.

The Sales Tax Is The Best And Most Equitable Tax. The Gasoline Tax, Which Is Nothing But A Sales Tax, Has Proven Painless, Productive And Punitive. Everything We Buy Should Have Its Equal Proportion Of Tax, Outside Of Cheap Food And Cheap Clothes.

If I Studied All My Life, I Couldn't Think Up Half The Number Of Funny Things Passed In One Session Of Congress.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

We Never Will Have Any Prosperity That Is Free From Speculation Till We Pass A Law That Every Time A Broker Or Person Sells Something, He Has Got To Have It Sitting There In A Bucket, Or A Bag, Or A Jug, Or A Cage, Or A Rat Trap, Or Something, Depending On What It Is He Is Selling. We Are Continually Buying Something That We Never Get From A Man That Never Had It.

Everybody Is Ignorant, Only On Different Subjects.

And Kid Congress And The Senate, Dont Scold Em. They Are Just Children Thats Never Grown Up. They Dont Like To Be Corrected In Company. Dont Send Messages To Em, Send Candy.

A Lot Of Guys Have Had A Lot Of Fun Joking About Henry Ford Because He Admitted One Time That He Didn't Know History. He Don't Know It, But History Will Know Him. He Has Made More History Than His Critics Ever Read.

If You're Ridin' Ahead Of The Herd, Take A Look Back Every Now And Then To Make Sure It's Still There

Don't Be Misled By History, Or Any Other Unreliable Source.

Don't Wait To Buy Land, Buy Land And Wait. Find Out Where The People Are Going And Buy The Land Before They Get There.

There Is Nothing Fairer Than Workmen Having Unions Of Their Mutual Benefit.

Democrats Are The Only Reason To Vote For Republicans

Some Guy Invented Vitamin A Out Of A Carrot. I'll Bet He Can't Invent A Good Meal Out Of One.

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