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Lobbyists Have More Offices In Washington Than The President. You See, The President Only Tells Congress What They Should Do. Lobbyists Tell'em What They Will Do.

-Will Rogers

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Lobbyists Have More Offices

Will Rogers

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Lobbyists Have More Offices In Washington Than The President. You See, The President Only Tells Congress What They Should Do. Lobbyists Tell'em What They Will Do.

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In Hollywood You Can See Things At Night That Are Fast Enough To Be In The Olympics In The Day Time.

If You Don't Like The Weather In Oklahoma, Wait A Minute And It'll Change.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

The Only Time People Dislike Gossip Is When You Gossip About Them.

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

I Belong To No Organized Political Body. I Am A Democrat.

If You Ever Injected Truth Into Politics You Would Have No Politics.

America Has The Best Politicians Money Can Buy.

There's Only One Thing That Can Kill The Movies, And That's Education.

You Can't Say Civilization Don't Advance... In Every War They Kill You In A New Way.

If You Let Women Have Their Way, You Will Generally Get Even With Them In The End.

I Remember When Being Liberal Meant Being Generous With Your Own Money.

If You Get To Thinking You're A Person Of Some Influence, Try Ordering Somebody Else's Dog Around.

The Man Who Never Makes A Mistake Must Get Tired Of Doing Nothing.

Everything Is Changing. People Are Taking Their Comedians Seriously And The Politicians As A Joke.

Well, Another Senator Rose And Said {as They Always Do} 'does The Gentleman Yield?' They Always Say That - Least They Call Each Other 'gentleman' In There. But The Tone They Put On The Word, It Would Sound More Appropriate If They Came Right Out And Said 'would The Coyote From Maine Yield?' 'cause That's About The Way It Sounds. Well, Then, The Other Senator Says 'i Yield' (for If He Don't The Other Guy'll Keep On Talking Anyhow). So The Coyote From Maine Says 'i Yield To...the Polecat From Oregon!'

Senators Are A Never-ending Source Of Amusement, Amazement, And Discouragement.

The Best Way To Make A Fire With Two Sticks Is To Make Sure One Of Them Is A Match.

Invest In Inflation. It Is The Only Thing Going Up.

The Movies Are The Only Business Where You Can Go Out Front And Applaud Yourself.

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Elected.

If You Don't Have Malice In Our Heart, It Doesn't Come Across Harsh.

The Bankers Just Got A Good Cussing By Everybody For Loaning Too Much Money. Well, They Got Some Awful Nice Buildings. So When A Banker Fails, He Fails In Splendor.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. Opportunity Rarely Knocks On Your Door. Knock Rather On Opportunity's Door If You Ardently Wish To Enter.

I Love Horses And I Only Ask-don't Let Me Know Which One We Are Eating Today.

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

The Stock Market Has Spoiled More Appetites Than Bad Cooking.

Ignorance Lies Not In The Things You Don't Know, But In The Things You Know That Ain't So.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

Banking And After-dinner Speaking Are Two Of The Most Nonessential Industries We Have In This Country. I Am Ready To Reform, If They Are.

I Know Worrying Works, Because None Of The Stuff I Worried About Ever Happened.

Land Taxes Is The Thing. They Got So High That There Is No Chance To Make Anything. Not Only Land But All Property Tax. You See In The Old Days, Why The Only Thing They Knew How To Tax Was Land, Or A House. Well, That Condition Went Along For Quite Awhile, So Even Today The Whole Country Tries To Run Its Revenue On Taxes On Land. They Never Ask If The Land Makes Anything. "it's Land Ain't It? Well Tax It Then."

The Way To Make Money In The Stock Market Is To Buy A Stock. Then, When It Goes Up, Sell It. If It's Not Going To Go Up, Don't Buy It!

Farmers, Get Out Your Sense Of Humor. Congress Meets To Relieve You Again Next Week.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

People Are Marvelous In Their Generosity, If They Just Know The Cause Is There.

Don't Invite Me If You Don't Want Me.

I Would Love To See Mr. (henry) Ford In There, Really. I Don't Know Who Started The Idea That A President Must Be A Politician Instead Of A Business Man. A Politician Can't Run Any Other Kind Of Business. So There Is No Reason Why He Can Run The U.s. That's The Biggest Single Business In The World.

If You're Ridin' Ahead Of The Herd, Take A Look Back Every Now And Then To Make Sure It's Still There

Politics Is The Best Show In America. I Love Animals And I Love Politicians, And I Like To Watch Both Of 'em At Play, Either Back Home In Their Native State, Or After They've Been Captured And Sent To A Zoo, Or To Washington.

Old Hollywood Is Just Like A Desert Water In Africa. Hang Around Long Enough And Every Kind Of Animal In The World Will Drift In For Refreshments.

You Never Get A Second Chance To Make A First Impression.

We Are Always Saying: Let The Law Take Its Course But What We Really Mean Is: Let The Law Take Our Course.

I Don't Think Either One Of Them Knows What It's All About, To Be Honest With You. Both Sides Are Doing Nothing But Just Looking Towards The Next Election.

Don't Raise Anything, Except What Fits Your Appetite. Then The Price Don't Worry You. Just Raise All You Can Eat And Let The Low Prices Go By.

Some Guy Invented Vitamin A Out Of A Carrot. I'll Bet He Can't Invent A Good Meal Out Of One.

This Thing About Getting Rid Of A Man In The Cabinet Is All Right, But There Is One Bad Feature To It That Few People Realize. That Is, That Unfortunately Every One Of Them Is Replaced By Someone Else. If It Wasn't For That, This Resignation Business Would Be Great.

That's One Thing About Republican Presidents. They Never Went In Much For Plans. They Only Had One Plan. It Says "boys, My Head Is Turned. Just Get It While You Can.

This Would Be A Great World To Dance In If We Didn’t Have To Pay The Fiddler.

They Are Having Quite An Argument Over Treasury Secretary Mellon's Tax Bill. Mr. Mellon Wants To Cut The Surtax On The Rich, And Leave It As Is On The Poor, As There Is More Poor Than Rich. I Suppose The Majority Will Win.

Wall Street Is Being Investigated, But They Are Not Asleep While It's Being Done. You See Where The Senate Took That Tax Off The Sales Of Stocks, Didn't You? Saved 'em $48,000,000. Now, Why Don't Somebody Investigate The Senate And See Who Got To Them To Get That Tax Removed? That Would Be A Real Investigation.

Funny To Watch These Senators Switching Back And Forth On Prohibition. Politics Is A Great Character Builder. You Have To Take A Referendum To See What Your Convictions Are For That Day.

Congress Knew Coolidge Would Veto The Farm Bill. There Was More Politics Than Relief In That Bill.

If All The Time Consumed In Attending Dinners And Luncheons Was Consumed In Some Work, The Production Of This Country Would Be Doubled

The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, The More You've Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other.

Ancient Rome Declined Because It Had A Senate, Now What's Going To Happen To Us With Both A House And A Senate?

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

A Realtor Is An Old Fashioned Real Estate Man With A Neck Tie. A Real Estate Man Sold You What You Wanted, A Realtor Sells You What You Don't Need. A Real Estate Man Showed You What You Could Raise On The Land, A Realtor Tells You What You Can Build On It.

Horsemanship Through The History Of All Nations Has Been Considered One Of The Highest Accomplishments. You Can't Pass A Park Without Seeing A Statue Of Some Old Codger On A Horse. It Must Be To His Bravery, You Can Tell It's Not To His Horsemanship.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

A Senator Got Up Today In Congress And Called His Fellow Senators Sons Of Wild Jackasses. Now, If You Think The Senators Were Hot, Imagine How The Jackasses Must Feel.

Democrats Are The Only Reason To Vote For Republicans

Politics Is Not Worrying This Country One-tenth As Much As Where To Find A Parking Space.

I Don't Know What Humor Is.

Americans Are Getting Like A Ford Car, They All Have The Same Exact Parts, The Same Upholstering And Make Exactly The Same Noises.

One Wants Recovery To Start From The Bottom, And The Other Wants It To Start From The Top. I Don't Know Which Is Right. I've Never Heard Of Anybody Suggesting That They Might Start It In The Middle, So I Hereby Make That Suggestion. To Start Recovery Halfway Between The Two, Because It's The Middle Class That Does Everything Anyhow. But I Don't Know Anything About It.

Farmers Have About Given Up Hope Of Getting Farm Relief And Have Decided To Fertilize Instead.

Democrats Always Were A Cheap Lot. They Never Had Much Money To Operate On.... They Would Rather Make A Speech Than A Dollar. They Cultivate Their Voice Instead Of Their Finances.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

The Best Thing About This Group Of Candidates Is That Only One Of Them Can Win.

Ohio Claims They Are Due A President As They Haven't Had One Since Taft. Look At The United States, They Have Not Had One Since Lincoln.

We Have The Best Congress That Money Can Buy.

Everybody Is Ignorant, Only On Different Subjects.

I See Where They Are Going To Be More Strict With These Robbers; When They Catch 'em From Now On, They're Going To Publish Their Names.

It Is Not The Return On My Investment That I Am Concerned About; It's The Return Of My Investment

I Haven't Seen A Tractor Working All Day. The Country Has Gone Sane And Got Back To Horses. Farmers All Look Worse, But They Feel Better.

You Got To Do More Than Just Live In The Country To Be A Farmer.

Under Capitalism Man Exploits Man; Under Socialism The Reverse Is True.

Our Public Men Are Speaking Every Day On Something, But They Ain't Saying Anything.

Any Person That Don't Read At Least One Well-written Country Newspaper Is Not Truly Informed.

Get Someone Else To Blow Your Horn And The Sound Will Carry Twice As Far.

Civilization Has Taught Us To Eat With A Fork, But Even Now If Nobody Is Around We Use Our Fingers.

I Would Rather Be The Man Who Bought The Brooklyn Bridge Than The Man Who Sold It.

Brooklyn Bridge

Instead Of Giving Money To Found Colleges To Promote Learning, Why Don't They Pass A Constitutional Amendment Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything? If It Works As Good As The Prohibition One Did, Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

It's The Fellow Who Knows When To Quit That The Audience Wants More Of.

There Wasn't Any More Truth In Over Half Of What Any So-called Orator Said. If It Wasn't A Deliberate Lie, Why It Was An Exaggerated Falsehood.

Lord, The Money We Do Spend On Government And It's Not One Bit Better Than The Government We Got For One-third The Money Twenty Years Ago.

The Country Has Gone Sane And Got Back To Horses.

It's No Laughing Matter Being A Republican In These Perilous Times. Anyone Can Be A Republican When The Stock Market Is Up, But When Stocks Are Selling For No More Than They're Worth, I Tell You, Being A Republican - It's A Sacrifice.

We Elect Our Presidents, Be They Republican Or Democrat, Then Start Daring 'em To Make Good.

Both Political Parties Have Their Good Times And Bad Times, Only They Have Them At Different Times.

You Can Be Killed Just As Dead In An Unjustified War As You Can In One Protecting Your Own Home.

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

Here Is My Farm Relief Bill: Every Time A Southerner Plants Nothing On His Farm But Cotton Year After Year, And The Northerner Nothing But Wheat Or Corn, Why, Take A Hammer And Hit Him Twice Right Between The Eyes. You May Dent Your Hammer, But It Will Do More Real Good Than All The Bills You Can Pass In A Year.

The Republicans Have Their Splits Right After Election And Democrats Have Theirs Just Before An Election.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like."

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

Communism Is Like Prohibition, It Is A Good Idea, But It Won't Work.

Texas Is A Great State. It's The 'old Man River' Of States. No Matter Who Runs It Or What Happens To It Politically, It Just Keeps Rolling Along!

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

About All I Can Say For The United States Senate Is That It Opens With A Prayer And Closes With An Investigation.

Don't Wait To Buy Land, Buy Land And Wait. Find Out Where The People Are Going And Buy The Land Before They Get There.

George Washington Was Quite A Farmer. He Was A Farmer, Civil Engineer And Gentleman. He Made Enough At Civil Engineering To Indulge In Both The Other Luxuries.

Our Country Has Plenty Of Five-cent Cigars, But The Trouble Is They Charge Fifteen Cents For Them.

Political Elections Are A Good Deal Like Marriages, There's No Accounting For Anyone's Taste.

Don't Just Grab At The First Thing That Comes Along. Know When To Refuse Something That Won't Get You Anywhere

A Holding Company Is The People You Give Your Money To While You're Being Searched.

You Know, A Communist's Whole Life Work Is Based On Complaint Of How Everything Is Done.... So If They Ever Get Their Country Running Good They Will Defeat Their Own Cause.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else ... I Was Not A Child Prodigy, Because A Child Prodigy Is A Child Who Knows As Much When It Is A Child As It Does When It Grows Up.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

The Self Persists Like A Dying Star, In Sleep, Afraid.

When You Give A Lesson In Meanness To A Critter Or A Person, Don't Be Surprised If They Learn Their Lesson.

America Is A Land Of Opportunity And Don't Ever Forget It.

Eventually You Will Reach A Point When You Stop Lying About Your Age And Start Bragging About It.

There Are Three Types Of Men In The World. One Type Learns From Books. One Type Learns From Observations. And One Type Just Has To Urinate On The Electric Fence Himself.

Some Say, What Is The Salvation Of The Movies? I Say, Run 'em Backwards. It Can't Hurt 'em And It's Worth A Trial.

Every Man Is Ignorant - Just On Different Subjects.

I'm Not A Real Movie Star. I've Still Got The Same Wife I Started Out With Twenty-eight Years Ago.

The Government Sent The Indians To Oklahoma. They Had A Treaty That Said, 'you Shall Have This Land As Long As Grass Grows And Water Flows.' It Was Not Only A Good Rhyme But Looked Like A Good Treaty, And It Was Till They Struck Oil. Then The Government Took It Away From Us Again. They Said The Treaty Only Refers To 'water And Grass; It Don't Say Anything About Oil.'

A Stranger Is Just A Friend I Haven't Met Yet.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

You've Got To Be (an) Optimist To Be A Democrat, And You've Got To Be A Humorist To Stay One

The South Is Dry And Will Vote Dry. That Is, Everybody That Is Sober Enough To Stagger To The Polls Will.

Mothers Are The Only Race Of People That Speak The Same Tongue. A Mother In Manchuria Could Converse With A Mother In Nebraska And Never Miss A Word.

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

There Is Two Things That Can Disrupt Business In This Country. One Is War, And The Other Is A Meeting Of The Federal Reserve Bank.

I Never Expected To See The Day When Girls Would Get Sunburned In The Places They Now Do.

Common Sense Ain't Common.

Diplomats Are Just As Essential To Starting A War As Soldiers Are For Finishing It... You Take Diplomacy Out Of War, And The Thing Would Fall Flat In A Week.

An Ignorant Person Is One Who Doesn't Know What You Have Just Found Out.

In A Real Estate Man's Eye, The Most Expensive Part Of The City Is Where He Has A House To Sell

We Don't Know What We Want, But We Are Ready To Bite Somebody To Get It

A Fanatic Is Always The Fellow That Is On The Opposite Side.

The Good Old Horse-and-buggy Days: Then You Lived Until You Died And Not Until You Were Run Over.

Coolidge Has The Best Idea On This Farm Relief. He Said, 'farmers, You Are In A Hole. I Can't Help You, But I Will Get In With You.' He Did. That Made It Fine So The Farmers Were Satisfied As Long As Coolidge Was Going To Get In With Them.

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Mona Lisa Is The Only Beauty Who Went Through History And Retained Her Reputation.

But We Can't Alibi All Our Ills By Just Knocking The Old Banker. First He Loaned The Money, Then The People All At Once Wanted It Back, And He Didn't Have It. Now He's Got It Again, And Is Afraid To Loan It, So The Poor Devil Don't Know What To Do.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There.

If We Got One-tenth Of What Was Promised To Us In These Acceptance Speeches There Wouldn't Be Any Inducement To Go To Heaven.

Keeping Promises

Does College Pay? They Do If You Are A Good Open-field Runner.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

You Must Judge A Man's Greatness By How Much He Will Be Missed.

This Stuff They Are Talking Here In Congress Costs The People Of The United States $44 A Page. That's Beside What It Costs To Ship It To The Asylums Where It's Read.

When You Find Yourself In A Hole, Quit Digging.

Finding Yourself

Digging Ditches

I Guess The Only Way To Stop Divorce Is To Stop Marriage.

Funny Relationship

You Have To Have A Serious Streak In You, Or You Can't See The Funny Side Of The Other Fellow.

Will Rogers Used To Say He Wouldn't Run For President No Matter How Badly The Country Needed A Comedian.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

Farmers Have More Associations, And Bureaus, And Clubs, Than They Have Pitchforks.

Don't Gamble; Take All Your Savings And Buy Some Good Stock And Hold It Till It Goes Up, Then Sell It. If It Don't Go Up, Don't Buy It.

Half Our Life Is Spent Trying To Find Something To Do With The Time We Have Rushed Through Life Trying To Save.

With Congress, Every Time They Make A Joke It's A Law, And Every Time They Make A Law It's A Joke.

The Trouble With Democrats Is That They All Want To Run For President

If I Studied All My Life, I Couldn't Think Up Half The Number Of Funny Things Passed In One Session Of Congress.

It Would Drive A Person Crazy To Dope Out Really What Does Divide The Two Parties. Prosperity Don't Divide The Two Parties, For Under Either Administration The Poor Get Poorer And The Rich Get Richer.

We Are Always Yapping About The 'good Old Days' And How We Look Back And Enjoy It, But I Tell You There Is A Lot Of Hooey To It. There Is A Whole Lot Of All Our Past Lives That Wasn't So Hot.

We Live In An Age Of 'urge'. We Do Nothing Till Somebody Shoves Us.

Nobody Wants To Be Called Common People, Especially Common People.

Money And Women Are The Most Sought After And The Least Known About Of Any Two Things We Have.

You Shake A Slogan At An American And It's Just Like Showing A Hungry Dog A Bone.

Outside Of Traffic, There Is Nothing That Has Held This Country Back As Much As Committees.

When Everybody Has Got Money They Cut Taxes, And When They're Broke They Raise Them. That's Statesmanship Of The Highest Order.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

Money, Horse Racing And Women: Three Things The Boys Just Can't Figure Out.

The Schools Ain't What They Used To Be And Never Was.

All One Has To Do To Get One's Stuff In The Congressional Record Is To Find A Stenographer That Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Take It Down. Then You Mark In The 'applause' And 'laughter' Parts Yourself.

We Have Killed More People Celebrating Our Independence Day Than We Lost Fighting For It.

If You Can Build A Business Up Big Enough, It's Respectable.

I Bet Any Sunday Could Be Made As Popular At Church As Easter Is If You Made 'em Fashion Shows Too. The Audience Is So Busy Looking At Each Other That The Preacher Just As Well Recite Gunga Din.

There Is No Credit To Being A Comedian, When You Have The Whole Government Working For You. All You Have To Do Is Report The Facts. I Dont Even Have To Exaggerate.

Nothing You Can't Spell Will Ever Work.

You Can't Legislate Intelligence And Common Sense Into People.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Congressional Record. They Have Had Some Awful Funny Articles In There Lately. As Our Government Deteriorates, Our Humor Increases.

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

There Is Not A Better Day In The World To Be Spent Than With A Lot Of Wise Old Cowmen Around Barbecued Beef, Black Coffee And Good "free Holy" Beans.

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

We Are Here For Just A Spell, So Get A Few Laughs.

I Bet After Seeing Us, George Washington Would Sue Us For Calling Him 'father.'

It Sure Did Kick Up Some Excitement In The Senate When One Senator Called The Other Senators 'sons Of Wild Jackasses.' Well, If You Thought It Made The Senators Hot, You Wait Till You See What Happens When The Jackasses Hear How They Have Been Slandered.

Rail-splitting Produced An Immortal President In Lincoln, But Golf Hasn't Produced Even A Good Congressman.

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

Here's Another Way Of Putting It. Roosevelt Wants Recovery To Start At The Bottom. In Other Words, By A System Of High Taxes, He Wants Business To Help The Little Fellow To Get Started And Get Some Work, And Then Pay Business Back By Buying Things When He's At Work. Business Says, 'let Everybody Alone. Let Business Alone, And Quit Monkeying With Us, And We'll Get Everything Going For You, And If We Prosper, Naturally The Worker Will Prosper.'

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

We All Joke About Congress But We Can't Improve On Them. Have You Noticed That No Matter Who We Elect, He Is Just As Bad As The One He Replaces?

Everytime A Lawyer Writes Something, He Is Not Writing For Posterity, He Is Writing Something So That Endless Others Of His Craft Can Make A Living Out Of Trying To Figure Out What He Said. Course Perhaps He Really Haden't Said Anything, That's What Makes It So Hard To Explain.

We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

One Way To Solve The Traffic Problem Is To Keep All The Cars That Are Not Paid For Off The Streets.

They Have Passed The Big Inheritance Tax, And That Gets You When You Are Gone. You Used To Could Die And Be Able To Beat Taxes, But Not Now. The Undertaker Don't Go Over Your Body As Carefully As The Assessor Does Your Accumilated Assets, And He Gets His Before The Undertaker. They Have It On These Big Fortunes Now Where They Pay As High As 60 To 70 Percent Of What They Leave. That's Mighty Expensive Dying When It Runs Into Money Like That, And You Won't See 'em Dropping Off As Casually As They Have Been.

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

You Could Be The World's Greatest Orator And If You Don't Say Anything While Orating, They Are Going To Walk Out On You After A While.

On Account Of Being A Democracy And Run By The People, We Are The Only Nation In The World That Has To Keep A Government Four Years, No Matter What It Does.

I See Where We Are Starting To Pay Some Attention To Our Neighbors To The South. We Could Never Understand Why Mexico Wasn't Just Crazy About Us, For We Have Always Had Their Good Will, And Oil And Minerals, At Heart

We Don't Give Our Criminals Much Punishment, But We Sure Give 'em Plenty Of Publicity.

A Holding Company Is A Thing Where You Hand An Accomplice The Goods While The Policeman Searches You.

There Is Nothing As Easy As Denouncing. It Don't Take Much To See That Something Is Wrong, But It Does Take Some Eyesight To See What Will Put It Right Again

This Thing Of Being A Hero, About The Main Thing To It Is To Know When To Die.

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