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But We Can't Alibi All Our Ills By Just Knocking The Old Banker. First He Loaned The Money, Then The People All At Once Wanted It Back, And He Didn't Have It. Now He's Got It Again, And Is Afraid To Loan It, So The Poor Devil Don't Know What To Do.

-Will Rogers

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But We Can't Alibi

Will Rogers

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But We Can't Alibi All Our Ills By Just Knocking The Old Banker. First He Loaned The Money, Then The People All At Once Wanted It Back, And He Didn't Have It. Now He's Got It Again, And Is Afraid To Loan It, So The Poor Devil Don't Know What To Do.

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If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

You Never Know How Much A Man Can't Remember Until He Is Called As A Witness.

Hundreds And Hundreds Of Beautiful Horses In The Parade And A Man Without A Silver Saddle Is A Vagrant.

It Is Awful Hard To Get People Interested In Corruption Unless They Can Get Some Of It.

I Traveled A Good Deal All Over The World, And I Got Along Pretty Good In All These Foreign Countries, For I Have A Theory That It's Their Country And They Got A Right To Run It Like They Want To.

It Is Not The Return On My Investment That I Am Concerned About; It's The Return Of My Investment

There Is No Credit To Being A Comedian, When You Have The Whole Government Working For You. All You Have To Do Is Report The Facts. I Dont Even Have To Exaggerate.

Being A Hero Is About The Shortest-lived Profession On Earth.

The Sales Tax Is The Best And Most Equitable Tax. The Gasoline Tax, Which Is Nothing But A Sales Tax, Has Proven Painless, Productive And Punitive. Everything We Buy Should Have Its Equal Proportion Of Tax, Outside Of Cheap Food And Cheap Clothes.

Out Here I Had Been Putting What Little Money I Had In Ocean Frontage, For The Sole Reason That There Was Only So Much Of It And No More, And That They Wasent Making Any More.

I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else ... I Was Not A Child Prodigy, Because A Child Prodigy Is A Child Who Knows As Much When It Is A Child As It Does When It Grows Up.

Our Whole Depression Was Brought On By Gambling, Not In The Stock Market Alone But In Expanding And Borrowing And Going In Debt... All Just To Make Some Easy Money Quick.

Great Depression

The Only Way You Can Beat The Lawyers Is To Die With Nothing.

Personally, I Have Always Felt That The Best Doctor In The World Is The Veterinarian. He Can't Ask His Patients What Is The Matter...he's Just Got To Know.

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

That's The Trouble With Our Charities; We Are Always Saving Somebody Away Off, When The Fellow Next To Us Ain't Eating.

The Greatest Loss Of Time Is Delay And Expectation. I Never Yet Talked To The Man Who Wanted To Save Time Who Could Tell Me What He Was Going To Do With The Time He Saved.

The Republicans Have A Habit Of Having Three Bad Years And One Good One, And The Good One Always Happens To Be Election Years.

American Invents Everything, But The Trouble Is We Get Tired Of It The Minute The New Is Wore Off.

The President Says, 'there Is Lots Of People Worse Off Than The Farmers.' I Don't Know Who It Could Be Unless It Is The Fellow Who Holds The Mortgages On The Farms.

Give Her A Day, And Then In Return Momma Gives You The Other 364.

Here's Another Way Of Putting It. Roosevelt Wants Recovery To Start At The Bottom. In Other Words, By A System Of High Taxes, He Wants Business To Help The Little Fellow To Get Started And Get Some Work, And Then Pay Business Back By Buying Things When He's At Work. Business Says, 'let Everybody Alone. Let Business Alone, And Quit Monkeying With Us, And We'll Get Everything Going For You, And If We Prosper, Naturally The Worker Will Prosper.'

Say Did You Read In The Papers About A Bunch Of Women Up In British Columbia As A Protest Against High Taxes, Sit Out In The Open Naked, And They Wouldent Put Their Clothes On? The Authorities Finally Turned A Sprayer That You Use On Trees, On 'em. That May Lead Into Quite A Thing. Woman Comes Into The Tax Office Nude, Saying I Won't Pay. Well They Can't Search Her And Get Anything. It Sounds Great. How Far Is It To British Columbia?

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

I Was Just Thinking, If It Is Really Religion With These Nudist Colonies, They Sure Must Turn Atheists In The Wintertime.

Know What You're Doing, Love What You're Doing, And Believe In What You're Doing.

The Movies Are The Only Business Where You Can Go Out Front And Applaud Yourself.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

I Know Things Are Going To Get Better In Spite Of Both Sides. Then When Things Do Get Better, Then You'll Hear The Yell That Will Go Up. The Democrats Will Swear That Recovery Was Due To Them. Now The Republicans, They'll Say It Was Due To Them. Nobody Wanted To Claim The Credit For The Country Blowing Up, But Wait Until It Starts Picking Up And They'll Both Be On It Then. See?

The Self Persists Like A Dying Star, In Sleep, Afraid.

What The Secretary Of Agriculture Is Trying To Do Is To Teach The Farmer Corn Acreage Control, And The Hogs Birth Control, And One Is Just As Hard To Make Understand It As The Other.

Even If You're On The Right Track, You'll Get Run Over If You Just Sit There. My Folks Were Indian. Both My Mother And Father Had Cherokee Blood In Them. I Was Born And Raised In Indian Territory. 'course We're Not The Americans Whose Ancestors Came Over On The Mayflower, But We Met Them At The Boat When They Landed.

When You Figure It Right Down, None Of Us Are In A Really Essential Business But The Farmer, And He Raises So Much That Even His Business Is Partly Non-essential.

The Good People Of Dakota Offered To Give Calvin Coolidge A Farm If He Would Live On It. I Wouldn't Advise You To Give Those People Too Much Credit For Generosity. There Is Not A Farmer In Any State In The West That Wouldn't Be Glad To Give Him A Farm If He Will Paint It, Fix Up The Fences And Keep Up The Series Of Mortgages That Are On It. And If You Think Coolidge Ain't Smart, You Just Watch Him Not Take It.

And, When The Votes Are Counted, Let Everybody, Including The Candidates, Get Into A Good Humor As Quick As They Got Into A Bad One.

You Must Never Tell A Thing. You Must Illustrate It. We Learn Through The Eye And Not The Noggin.

Through The Eyes

There Is Two Types Of Larceny, Petty And Grand. They Are Supposed To Be The Same In The Eyes Of The Law, But Judges Always Put A Little Extra On You For Petty, Which Is Kind Of A Fine For Stupidness.

Everytime A Lawyer Writes Something, He Is Not Writing For Posterity, He Is Writing Something So That Endless Others Of His Craft Can Make A Living Out Of Trying To Figure Out What He Said. Course Perhaps He Really Haden't Said Anything, That's What Makes It So Hard To Explain.

It Looks To Me Like The Candidates Are Trying To Relieve The Farmer Of His Vote, Instead Of His Debts.

People's Minds Are Changed Through Observation And Not Through Argument.

A Fanatic Is Always The Fellow That Is On The Opposite Side.

Our Constitution Protects Aliens, Drunks And U.s. Senators.

Congress Knew Coolidge Would Veto The Farm Bill. There Was More Politics Than Relief In That Bill.

What The Country Needs Is Dirtier Fingernails And Cleaner Minds.

I Don't Care How Poor And Inefficient A Little Country Is - They Like To Run Their Own Business. I Know Men That Would -make My Wife A Better Husband Than I Am But, Darn It, I'm Not Going To Give Her To 'em.

George Bernard Shaw Of England Stopped Over Just Long Enough To Make One Speech In Bombay, India, Started A War And 100 Indians Killed Each Other. That's What I Call Good Speech-making. The Only Enthusiasm Any Of Our Speakers Can Rouse Is A Demand To Kill The Speaker.

Invest In Inflation. It Is The Only Thing Going Up.

With All Our Crime And All Our Immorality ... And About As Much Contentment And Respose As A Fresh-caged Hyena, We Go To Tell The Whole World: We Are The Only One With The Right Idea!

There Have Been Three Great Inventions Since The Beginning Of Time: Fire, The Wheel, And Central Banking.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

We Can't All Be Heroes, Because Somebody Has To Sit On The Curb And Applaud When They Go By.

There Will Never Be A Time When The Old Horse Is Not Superior To Any Auto Ever Made.

Things In Our Country Run In Spite Of Government, Not By Aid Of It.

Andrew Jackson Was The First One To Think Up The Idea To Promise Everybody That If They Will Vote For You, You Will Give Them An Office When You Get It, And The More Times They Vote For You, The Bigger The Office.

In Washington, One Man Could Do What Ten Of Them Do. Things Kinder Run Themselves, Anyhow.

If You Make Any Money, The Government Shoves You In The Creek Once A Year With It In Your Pockets, And All That Don't Get Wet You Can Keep.

There Is A Hundred Things To Single You Out For Promotion In Party Politics Besides Ability.

Prohibition Is Better Than No Liquor At All.

Our Country Has Plenty Of Five-cent Cigars, But The Trouble Is They Charge Fifteen Cents For Them.

Get A Sales Tax, Small On Necessities And Large On Luxuries; Then A Stiff Inheritance Tax On The Fellow That Saves And Don't Spend. That Will Get Him Either Way. A Tax Paid On The Day You Buy Is Not As Tough As Asking You For It The Next Year When You Are Broke.

So Here We Are In A Country With More Wheat And Corn And More Money In The Bank, More Cotton, More Everything In The World-there's Not A Product That You Can Name That We Haven't Got More Of Than Any Other Country Ever Had On The Face Of The Earth-and Yet We've Got People Starving. We'll Hold The Distinction Of Being The Only Nation In The History Of The World That Ever Went To The Poor House In An Automobile.

Money And Women Are The Most Sought After And The Least Known About Of Any Two Things We Have.

Every Gag I Tell Must Be Based On Truth. No Matter How Much I May Exaggerate It, It Must Have A Certain Amount Of Truth.... Now Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

Congress Is Going To Start Tinkering With The Ten Commandments Just As Soon As They Find Someone In Washington Who Has Read Them.

Ten Commandments

Farmers Have More Associations, And Bureaus, And Clubs, Than They Have Pitchforks.

The "ways & Means Committee" Is A Committee That's Supposed To Find The Ways To Divide Up The Means.

One Revolution Is Like One Cocktail, It Just Gets You Organized For The Next.

Work To Make A Living; Serve To Make A Life.

We Are Here For Just A Spell, So Get A Few Laughs.

There Wasn't Any Republicans In Washington's Day. No Republicans, No Boll Weevil, No Income Tax, No Cover Charge, No Disarmament Conference, No Luncheon Clubs, No Stop Lights, No Static, No Head Winds. My Lord, Living In Those Days, Who Wouldn't Be Great?

Liberty Doesn't Work As Well In Practice As It Does In Speeches.

On Account Of Being A Democracy And Run By The People, We Are The Only Nation In The World That Has To Keep A Government Four Years, No Matter What It Does.

The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

It Is A Good Thing That We Do Not Get As Much Government As We Pay For.

This Country Has Come To Feel The Same When Congress Is In Session As When The Baby Gets Hold Of A Hammer.

It Costs Ten Times More To Govern Us Than It Used To, And We Are Not Governed One-tenth As Good.

When You Put Down The Good Things You Ought To Have Done, And Leave Out The Bad Ones You Did Do Well, That's Memoirs.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison.

You Know You've Got To Exercise Your Brain Just Like Your Muscles.

In All Your Life, You Will Never Find A Method More Effective In Getting Through To Another Person Than To Make That Person Feel Important.

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

If You Don't Like The Weather In Oklahoma, Wait A Minute And It'll Change.

Live In Such A Way That You Would Not Be Ashamed To Sell Your Parrot To The Town Gossip.

There Are Two Theories To Arguing With A Woman. Neither Works.

These Dust Storms.... Poor Farmer Spent A Lifetime Fixin' His Farm And Everything, Goes Out And Looks Down At It, And It's Up Above Him.

We Are Sure Living In A Peculiar Time. You Get Morefor Not Working Than You Will For Working, And Morefor Not Raising A Hog Than For Raising It.

Common Sense Is Not An Issue In Politics--it's An Affliction.

I Go Too Fast To See Much, Only The Tops Of Everything. I've Got To Prowl Slow Some Time Through This Country.

Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

I Bet Any Sunday Could Be Made As Popular At Church As Easter Is If You Made 'em Fashion Shows Too. The Audience Is So Busy Looking At Each Other That The Preacher Just As Well Recite Gunga Din.

Harvard Students Have Completed More English Courses And Less Forward Passes Than Any School In This Generation.

This Generation

My Forefathers Didn't Come Over On The Mayflower, But They Met The Boat.

Native American

I Don't Know How A Lot Of These Nations Existed As Long As They Have Till We Could Get Some Of Our People Around And Show 'em How To Be Good And Pure Like Us.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

He [calvin Coolidge] Is The First President To Discover That What The American People Want Is To Be Left Alone.

If You Can Build A Business Up Big Enough, It's Respectable.

I Guess The Only Way To Stop Divorce Is To Stop Marriage.

Funny Relationship

One Wants Recovery To Start From The Bottom, And The Other Wants It To Start From The Top. I Don't Know Which Is Right. I've Never Heard Of Anybody Suggesting That They Might Start It In The Middle, So I Hereby Make That Suggestion. To Start Recovery Halfway Between The Two, Because It's The Middle Class That Does Everything Anyhow. But I Don't Know Anything About It.

The Older We Get, The Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.

Funny Happy Birthday

Waiting In Line

I Bet After Seeing Us, George Washington Would Sue Us For Calling Him 'father.'

I Make A Living Off (politicians), So I Can't Knock 'em. Every Time We Elect Some Fellow We Think He's Terrible And Then When We Get Another One In He's Worse. So, I Am Always In Favor Of Keeping The One We've Got And Let The Other Go.

I See Where We Are Starting To Pay Some Attention To Our Neighbors To The South. We Could Never Understand Why Mexico Wasn't Just Crazy About Us, For We Have Always Had Their Good Will, And Oil And Minerals, At Heart

Course, That's The Trouble With Politics, It Breeds Politics! So That Makes It Pretty Hard To Stamp Out.

I Wonder If It Isn't Just Cowardice Instead Of Generosity That Makes Us Give Tips.

Being Young Is Beautiful, But Being Old Is Comfortable.

Too Many People Spend Money They Haven't Earned To Buy Things They Don't Want To Impress People They Don't Like.

Borrowing Money On What's Called 'easy Terms,' Is A One-way Ticket To The Poor House. If You Think It Ain't A Sucker Game, Why Is Your Banker The Richest Man In Your Town? Why Is Your Bank The Biggest And Finest Building In Your Town? Instead Of Passing Bills To Make Borrowing Easy, If Congress Had Passed A Bill That No Person Could Borrow A Cent Of Money From Any Other Person, They Would Have Gone Down In History As Committing The Greatest Bit Of Legislation In The World.

I Never Took A Human Life, I Only Sold The Fellow The Gun To Take It With.

If We Took Congress Seriously, We Would Be Worrying All The Time.

Politicians Can Do More Funny Things Naturally Than I Can Think Of To Do Purposely

I Read Where They Are Going To Limit Debate In The Senate. It Used To Be That A Man Could Talk All Day, But Now, As Soon As He Tells All He Knows, He Has To Sit Down. Most Of These Birds Will Just Be Getting Up And Nodding Now. Why, Some Of Them Won't Be Able To Answer Roll Call.

The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

You've Got To Be (an) Optimist To Be A Democrat, And You've Got To Be A Humorist To Stay One

Buy Land. They Ain't Making Any More Of The Stuff.

It Ain't So Much What A Man Doesn't Know That Causes Him So Many Problems, But What He Knows That Ain't So.

The Trip Across Arizona Is Just One Oasis After Another. You Can Just Throw Anything Out And It Will Grow There, I Like Arizona.

Strangers Are Just Friends I Haven't Met Yet.

Strangers And Friends

That's The Trouble With A Politician's Life-somebody Is Always Interrupting It With An Election.

... While The Republicans Are Smart Enough To Make Money, The Democrats Are Smart Enough To Get In Office Every Two Or Three Times A Century And Take It Away From 'em.

There Is Nothing In The World That We Do As Much As We Do Eating

A President Just Can't Make Much Showing Against Congress. They Lay Awake Nights, Thinking Up Things To Be Against The President On.

The Trouble With Our Praying Is, We Just Do It As A Means Of Last Resort.

You Must Judge A Man's Greatness By How Much He Will Be Missed.

More Men Have Been Elected Between Sundown And Sunup Than Ever Were Elected Between Sunup And Sundown.

Worrying Is Like Paying On A Debt That May Never Come Due.

They Have Passed The Big Inheritance Tax, And That Gets You When You Are Gone. You Used To Could Die And Be Able To Beat Taxes, But Not Now. The Undertaker Don't Go Over Your Body As Carefully As The Assessor Does Your Accumilated Assets, And He Gets His Before The Undertaker. They Have It On These Big Fortunes Now Where They Pay As High As 60 To 70 Percent Of What They Leave. That's Mighty Expensive Dying When It Runs Into Money Like That, And You Won't See 'em Dropping Off As Casually As They Have Been.

I Never Expected To See The Day When Girls Would Get Sunburned In The Places They Now Do.

You Know The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, You Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other. The One That's Out Always Looks The Best. My Only Solution Would Be To Keep Em Both Out One Term And Hire My Good Friend Henry Ford To Run The Whole Thing, And Give Him A Commission On What He Saves Us.

So Let's Be Honest With Ourselves And Not Take Ourselves Too Serious, And Never Condemn The Other Fellow For Doing What We Are Doing Every Day, Only In A Different Way.

Being Different

When You Find Yourself In A Hole, Quit Digging.

Finding Yourself

Digging Ditches

Anything Important Is Never Left To The Vote Of The People. We Only Get To Vote On Some Man; We Never Get To Vote On What He Is To Do.

One Thing I Will Say About The Germans, They Are Always Perfectly Willing To Give Somebody's Land To Somebody Else

Farmers, Get Out Your Sense Of Humor. Congress Meets To Relieve You Again Next Week.

We All Joke About Congress But We Can't Improve On Them. Have You Noticed That No Matter Who We Elect, He Is Just As Bad As The One He Replaces?

Coolidge Is A Better Example Of Evolution Than Either Bryan Or Darrow, For He Knows When Not To Talk, Which Is The Biggest Asset The Monkey Possesses Over The Human.

You Should Never Try And Teach A Pig To Read For Two Reasons. First, It's Impossible; And Secondly, It Annoys The Hell Out Of The Pig!.

Our Public Men Are Speaking Every Day On Something, But They Ain't Saying Anything.

You Can Be Killed Just As Dead In An Unjustified War As You Can In One Protecting Your Own Home.

Take Me Ham Away, Take Away My Eggs, Even My Chili, But Leave Me My Newspaper.

The French Couldn't Hate Us Any More Unless We Helped 'em Out In Another War.

If We Have Senators And Congressmen There That Can't Protect Themselves Against The Evil Temptations Of Lobbyists, We Don't Need To Change Our Lobbies, We Need To Change Our Representatives.

Those Tax-exempt Bonds Were Put In So That A Town Or A State Or A Government Could Sell More Bonds Than It Ought To.

If You Are Trying To Get Out Of The Hole, Stop Digging.

Don't Invite Me If You Don't Want Me.

One Of These Days They Are Going To Remove So Much Of The 'hooey' And The Thousands Of Things The Schools Have Become Clogged Up With, And We Will Find That We Can Educate Our Broods For About One-tenth Of The Price And Learn 'em Something That They Might Accidentally Use After They Escape.

It's A Good Thing We Don't Get All The Government We Pay For.

There Is Nothing So Stupid As The Educated Man If You Get Him Off The Thing He Was Educated In.

There Is No Argument In The World That Carries The Hatred That A Relioious Belief Does. The More Learned A Man Is, The Less Consideration He Has For Another Man's Belief.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

Hurray! Congress Is To Adjourn! Only Four More Days Of Congressional Burglary On The Treasury!

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess, Then Why Can't It Get Us Out?

I Don't See Why A Man Shouldn't Pay An Inheritance Tax. If A Country Is Good Enough To Pay Taxes To While You Are Living, It's Good Enough To Pay In After You Die. By The Time You Die You Should Be So Used To Paying Taxes That It Would Just Be Almost Second Nature To You.

There Is Some Talk Of Lowering (the Income Tax), And They Will Have To. People Are Not Making Enough To Pay It.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

Diplomats Are Just As Essential To Starting A War As Soldiers Are For Finishing It... You Take Diplomacy Out Of War, And The Thing Would Fall Flat In A Week.

There Is No Income Tax In Russia. But There's No Income.

Land Taxes Is The Thing. They Got So High That There Is No Chance To Make Anything. Not Only Land But All Property Tax. You See In The Old Days, Why The Only Thing They Knew How To Tax Was Land, Or A House. Well, That Condition Went Along For Quite Awhile, So Even Today The Whole Country Tries To Run Its Revenue On Taxes On Land. They Never Ask If The Land Makes Anything. "it's Land Ain't It? Well Tax It Then."

We Elect Our Presidents, Be They Republican Or Democrat, Then Start Daring 'em To Make Good.

America Has The Best Politicians Money Can Buy.

Just Read The Farm Relief Bill. It's Just A Political Version Of Einstein's Last Theory. If A Farmer Could Understand It, He Certainly Would Know More Than To Farm. He Would Be A Professor At Harvard.

The Trouble With Practical Jokes Is That Very Often They Get Elected.

A Holding Company Is A Thing Where You Hand An Accomplice The Goods While The Policeman Searches You.

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

I Would Love To See Mr. (henry) Ford In There, Really. I Don't Know Who Started The Idea That A President Must Be A Politician Instead Of A Business Man. A Politician Can't Run Any Other Kind Of Business. So There Is No Reason Why He Can Run The U.s. That's The Biggest Single Business In The World.

We Are The First Nation In The History Of The World To Go To The Poorhouse In An Automobile.

After Eating An Entire Bull, A Mountain Lion Felt So Good He Started Roaring. He Kept It Up Until A Hunter Came Along And Shot Him... The Moral: When You're Full Of Bull, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

If You Live Right, Death Is A Joke To You As Far As Fear Is Concerned.

When Ignorance Gets Started It Knows No Bounds.

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Lobbyists Have More Offices In Washington Than The President. You See, The President Only Tells Congress What They Should Do. Lobbyists Tell'em What They Will Do.

Funny To Watch These Senators Switching Back And Forth On Prohibition. Politics Is A Great Character Builder. You Have To Take A Referendum To See What Your Convictions Are For That Day.

Both Gangs Have Been Bad Sports, So See If At Least One Can't Redeem Themselves By Offering No Alibis, But Cooperate With The Winner, For No Matter Which One It Is The Poor Fellow Is Going To Need It.

Horsemanship Through The History Of All Nations Has Been Considered One Of The Highest Accomplishments. You Can't Pass A Park Without Seeing A Statue Of Some Old Codger On A Horse. It Must Be To His Bravery, You Can Tell It's Not To His Horsemanship.

The Crime Of Taxation Is Not In The Taking It, It's In The Way That It's Spent.

Any Person That Don't Read At Least One Well-written Country Newspaper Is Not Truly Informed.

You Can Have All The Advanced War Methods You Want, But, After All, Nobody Has Ever Invented A War That You Don't Have To Have Somebody In The Guise Of Soldiers To Stop The Bullets.

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

If I Could Kick The Person In The Tail That Causes Me The Most Problems I Could Not Sit Down For A Week

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

We Live In An Age Of 'urge'. We Do Nothing Till Somebody Shoves Us.

Candidates Have Been Telling You That If Elected They Would 'pull You From This Bog Hole Of Financial Misery.' Now Is A Good Chance To Get Even With 'em, By Electing 'em, Just To Prove What A Liar They Are.

Some People Try To Turn Back Their Odometers. Not Me, I Want People To Know “why” I Look This Way. I’ve Traveled A Long Way And Some Of The Roads Weren’t Paved.

The Best Way Out Of A Difficulty Is Through It.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

In Politics Practically Everything You Hear Is Scandal, And Besides, The Funny Thing Is That The Things They Are Whispering Ain't Half Has Bad As The Things They Have Been Saying Right Out Loud.

Democrats Never Agree On Anything, That's Why They're Democrats. If They Agreed With Each Other, They Would Be Republicans.

Ability Is All Right But If It Is Not Backed Up By Honesty And Public Confidence You Will Never Be A Successful Person. The Best A Man Can Do Is To Arrive At The Top In His Chosen Profession. I Have Always Maintained That One Profession Is Deserving Of As Much Honor As Another Provided It Is Honorable.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

I Love Words But I Don't Like Strange Ones. You Don't Understand Them And They Don't Understand You. Old Words Is Like Old Friends, You Know 'em The Minute You See 'em.

I Love A Dog. He Does Nothing For Political Reasons.

The Only Time People Dislike Gossip Is When You Gossip About Them.

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

I Tell You Folks, All Politics Is Applesauce.

Cattlemen Have Lost More In The Last Few Years Than Anybody And Say Less About It.

See What Will Happen If You Don't Stop Biting Your Fingernails

I Represent What Is Left Of A Vanishing Race, And That Is The Pedestrian. That I Am Still Able To Be Here, I Owe To A Keen Eye And A Nimble Pair Of Legs. But I Know They'll Get Me Someday.

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