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We Owe More Money Than Any Nation In The World, And We Are Lowering Taxes. When Is The Time To Pay Off A Debt If It Is Not When You Are Doing Well? You Let A Politician Return Home From Washington And Announce, 'boys We Lowered Your Taxes. We Had To Borrow The Money To Do It, But We Did It.' Say, They Would Elect Him For Life.

-Will Rogers

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We Owe More Money

Will Rogers

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We Owe More Money Than Any Nation In The World, And We Are Lowering Taxes. When Is The Time To Pay Off A Debt If It Is Not When You Are Doing Well? You Let A Politician Return Home From Washington And Announce, 'boys We Lowered Your Taxes. We Had To Borrow The Money To Do It, But We Did It.' Say, They Would Elect Him For Life.

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Does College Pay? They Do If You Are A Good Open-field Runner.

It's A Good Thing We Don't Get All The Government We Pay For.

When You Have Helped To Raise The Standard Of Cooking, You Have Helped To Raise The Only Thing In The World That Really Matters. We Only Have One Or Two Wars In A Lifetime, But We Have Three Meals A Day -- There's Nothing In The World That We Do As Much As We Do Eating.

A Remark Generally Hurts In Proportion To Its Truth.

A King Can Stand People's Fighting But He Can't Last Long If People Start Thinking.

Prohibition Is Better Than No Liquor At All.

The Whole Financial Structure Of Wall Street Seems To Rise Or Fall On The Mere Fact That The Federal Reserve Bank Raises Or Lowers The Amount Of Interest. Any Business That Can't Survive A One Percent Change Must Be Skating On Thin Ice. Why Even The Poor Farmer Took A Raise Of Another Ten Percent Just To Get A Loan From The Bank, And Nobody From The Government Paid Any Attention. But You Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help To Get Them Back Into Bed Again.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

The Supreme Court Is Divided Almost In Half On The Decisions. Talk About An International Court. How Would We Ever Agree With A Lot Of Foreigners When We Can't Even Agree Among Our Own Judges?

When The Okies Left Oklahoma And Moved To California, They Raised The Average Intelligence Level In Both States.

The Minute You Read Something And You Can't Understand It, You Can Be Sure It Was Written By A Lawyer. Then, If You Give It To Another Lawyer To Read And He Don't Know Just What It Means, Then You Can Be Sure It Was Drawn Up By A Lawyer. If It's In A Few Words And Is Plain, And Understandable Only One Way, It Was Written By A Non-lawyer.

The Country Has Gone Sane And Got Back To Horses.

A Fanatic Is Always The Fellow That Is On The Opposite Side.

We Have Been Just Going Like A House Afire, And We Couldent See Any Reason Why We Shouldent Keep Right On Burning. Our Tastes Were Acquired On Credit, And We Wanted To Keep On Enjoying 'em On Credit.

Of Course Nothing Is Ever Done About A [presidential] Commission Report, Except, They Say, Once A Man At The State Prison For The Criminally Insane Actually Read One Once Clear Through. Then He Did Something About It. He Made A Bonfire That Lasted A Week.

Our President Delivered His State Of The Union Message To Congress. That Is One Of The Things His Contract Calls For -- To Tell Congress The Condition Of The Country. This Message, As I Say, Is To Congress. The Rest Of The People Know The Condition Of The Country, For They Live In It, But Congress Has No Idea What Is Going On In America, So The President Has To Tell 'em.

We Are Always Saying: Let The Law Take Its Course But What We Really Mean Is: Let The Law Take Our Course.

In A Real Estate Man's Eye, The Most Expensive Part Of The City Is Where He Has A House To Sell

I Have Indian Blood In Me. I Have Just Enough White Blood For You To Question My Honesty!

Native American

Every Time A Woman Leaves Off Something She Looks Better, But Every Time A Man Leaves Off Something He Looks Worse.

Even When You Make A Tax Form Out On The Level, You Don't Know When It's Through If You Are A Crook Or A Martyr.

Course, That's The Trouble With Politics, It Breeds Politics! So That Makes It Pretty Hard To Stamp Out.

Both Political Parties Have Their Good Times And Bad Times, Only They Have Them At Different Times.

There Is No Income Tax In Russia. But There's No Income.

Now I Am Not Unpatriotic, And I Want To Do My Bit, So I Hereby Offer My Services To My President, My Country And My Friends To Do Anything, Outside Of Serving On A Commission, That I Can In This Great Movement. But You Will Have To Give Me Some Idea Of Where "confidence" Is. And Just Who You Want It Restored To.

The Self Persists Like A Dying Star, In Sleep, Afraid.

You Can't Tell What A Man Is Like Or What He Is Thinking When You Are Looking At Him. You Must Get Around Behind Him And See What He Has Been Looking At.

Every Man Is Ignorant - Just On Different Subjects.

There Wasn't Any More Truth In Over Half Of What Any So-called Orator Said. If It Wasn't A Deliberate Lie, Why It Was An Exaggerated Falsehood.

Never Slap A Man Who's Chewing Tobacco. Never Kick A Cow Chip On A Hot Day. Never Miss A Good Chance To Shut Up.

If You Live Right, Death Is A Joke To You As Far As Fear Is Concerned.

Democrats Are The Only Reason To Vote For Republicans

There Is One Thing About Englishmen, They Won't Fix Anything Till It's Just About Totally Ruined. You Couldn't Get The English To Fix Anything At The Start. No! They Like To Sit And Watch It Grow Worse. Then, When It Just Looks Like The Whole Thing Has Gone Up Salt Creek, Why, The English Jump In And Rescue It.

Parades Should Be Classed As A Nuisance And Participants Should Be Subject To A Term In Prison.

Just Read The Farm Relief Bill. It's Just A Political Version Of Einstein's Last Theory. If A Farmer Could Understand It, He Certainly Would Know More Than To Farm. He Would Be A Professor At Harvard.

See What Will Happen If You Don't Stop Biting Your Fingernails

The Good People Of Dakota Offered To Give Calvin Coolidge A Farm If He Would Live On It. I Wouldn't Advise You To Give Those People Too Much Credit For Generosity. There Is Not A Farmer In Any State In The West That Wouldn't Be Glad To Give Him A Farm If He Will Paint It, Fix Up The Fences And Keep Up The Series Of Mortgages That Are On It. And If You Think Coolidge Ain't Smart, You Just Watch Him Not Take It.

Will Somebody Please Tell Me What They Do With All The Vice-presidents A Bank Has? Why The United States Is The Biggest Business Institution In The World, And They Got Only One Vice-president And Nobody Has Ever Found Anything For Him To Do.

Our Constitution Protects Aliens, Drunks And U.s. Senators.

The Business Of Government Is To Keep The Government Out Of Business - That Is, Unless Business Needs Government Aid.

We Don't Give Our Criminals Much Punishment, But We Sure Give 'em Plenty Of Publicity.

Civilization Has Taught Us To Eat With A Fork, But Even Now If Nobody Is Around We Use Our Fingers.

In Washington, One Man Could Do What Ten Of Them Do. Things Kinder Run Themselves, Anyhow.

You Can Have All The Advanced War Methods You Want, But, After All, Nobody Has Ever Invented A War That You Don't Have To Have Somebody In The Guise Of Soldiers To Stop The Bullets.

We Are All Ignorant. We Are Just Ignorant About Different Things.

That's The Trouble With Our Charities; We Are Always Saving Somebody Away Off, When The Fellow Next To Us Ain't Eating.

You Can't Say Civilization Don't Advance... In Every War They Kill You In A New Way.

You Know, Women Always Could Endure More Than Men. Not Only Physically, But Mentally - Did You Ever Get A Peek At Some Of The Husbands?

Prosperity This Winter Is Going To Be Enjoyed By Everybody That Is Fortunate Enough To Get Into The Poor Farm.

Harvard Students Have Completed More English Courses And Less Forward Passes Than Any School In This Generation.

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You Can't Fool All Of The People All Of The Time. But It Isn't Necessary.

The Trouble With Practical Jokes Is That Very Often They Get Elected.

Everyone Wants To Vote For The Best And Most Qualified Man, But He Never Runs For Office.

Buy Land. They Ain't Making Any More Of The Stuff.

There Is Something About Riding Down The Street On A Prancing Horse That Makes You Feel Like Something, Even When You Ain't A Thing.

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If You Don't Have Malice In Our Heart, It Doesn't Come Across Harsh.

I Can Remember Way Back When A Liberal Was One Who Was Generous With His Money.

There Ought To Be One Day - Just One - When There Is Open Season On Senators.

The Best Way To Make A Fire With Two Sticks Is To Make Sure One Of Them Is A Match.

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

Nobody Wants His Cause Near As Bad As He Wants To Talk About His Cause.

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We Are All Here For A Spell, Get All The Good Laughs You Can.

Spinnin' A Rope Is Fun If Your Neck Ain't In It

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A Politician Is Not As Narrow-minded As He Forces Himself To Be.

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I Belong To No Organized Political Body. I Am A Democrat.

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Through The Eyes

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You Should Never Try And Teach A Pig To Read For Two Reasons. First, It's Impossible; And Secondly, It Annoys The Hell Out Of The Pig!.

Americans Will Feed Anyone That's Not Close To Them.

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What's Considered Enough Money? Just A Little Bit More.

Get Someone Else To Blow Your Horn And The Sound Will Carry Twice As Far.

One Of These Days They Are Going To Remove So Much Of The 'hooey' And The Thousands Of Things The Schools Have Become Clogged Up With, And We Will Find That We Can Educate Our Broods For About One-tenth Of The Price And Learn 'em Something That They Might Accidentally Use After They Escape.

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President Coolidge Said, 'i Don't Want The Government To Go Into Business.' Well, If I Was Mr. Coolidge I Wouldn't Worry Over That. The Government Never Has Been Accused Of Being A Business Man.

Everything Worthwhile Is A Good Idea, But Did You Ever Notice There Is More Bad Ideas That Will Work Than There Is Good Ones?

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The United States Investigates Everything - Usually After It's Dead.

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The Reason Political Party Platforms Are So Long Is That When You Straddle Anything It Takes A Long Time To Explain It.

Take Me Ham Away, Take Away My Eggs, Even My Chili, But Leave Me My Newspaper.

I Know Worrying Works, Because None Of The Stuff I Worried About Ever Happened.

If You Let Women Have Their Way, You Will Generally Get Even With Them In The End.

Heroing Is One Of The Shortest-lived Professions There Is.

America Is Becoming So Educated That Ignorance Will Be A Novelty. I Will Belong To A Select Few.

You Can Take Any Line Of Business And Skill And The Ones Who Do It The Best Are The Ones Who Get The Most Money For It.

America Already Holds The Record For Freak Movements. Now We Have A New One. It's Called "restoring Confidence." Rich Men Who Never Had A Mission In Life Outside Of Watching A Stock Ticker Are Working Day And Night "restoring Confidence." Writers Are Working Night Shifts, Speakers' Tables Are Littered Up, Ministers Are Preaching Statistics, All On "restoring Confidence."

If You Ever Injected Truth Into Politics You Would Have No Politics.

The Minute A Thing Is Long And Complicated, It Confuses. Whoever Wrote The Ten Commandments Made 'em Short. They May Not Always Be Kept, But They Are Understood.

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I Was Born Because It Was A Habit In Those Days, People Didn't Know Anything Else ... I Was Not A Child Prodigy, Because A Child Prodigy Is A Child Who Knows As Much When It Is A Child As It Does When It Grows Up.

The Only Thing That Can Stop Hair From Falling ... Is The Floor.

If You Are Trying To Get Out Of The Hole, Stop Digging.

Now They Got Such A High Inheritance Tax On 'em That You Won't Catch These Old Rich Boys Dying Promiscuously Like They Did. This Bill Makes Patriots Out Of Everybody. You Sure Do Die For Your Country If You Die From Now On.

There Isn't Any Finer Folks Living Than A Republican That Votes The Democratic Ticket.

Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help Them Back To Bed Again.

Common Sense Ain't Common.

They Are Each Good When They Are Out, And Each Bad When They Are In.

If We Took Congress Seriously, We Would Be Worrying All The Time.

Lord, The Money We Do Spend On Government And It's Not One Bit Better Than The Government We Got For One-third The Money Twenty Years Ago.

Legalize Racing In Every State. Sure People Will Bet, But They Get To See The Horses Run And You Certain Can't See General Motors And General Electric And General Utility Run When You Bet On Them.

I Know Things Are Going To Get Better In Spite Of Both Sides. Then When Things Do Get Better, Then You'll Hear The Yell That Will Go Up. The Democrats Will Swear That Recovery Was Due To Them. Now The Republicans, They'll Say It Was Due To Them. Nobody Wanted To Claim The Credit For The Country Blowing Up, But Wait Until It Starts Picking Up And They'll Both Be On It Then. See?

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

If You Get To Thinking You're A Person Of Some Influence, Try Ordering Somebody Else's Dog Around.

In The Early Days Of The Indian Territory, There Were No Such Things As Birth Certificates. You Being There Was Certificate Enough.

If You Want To Know How A Man Stands, Go Among The People Who Are In His Same Business.

You Can Be Killed Just As Dead In An Unjustified War As You Can In One Protecting Your Own Home.

If You Can Build A Business Up Big Enough, It's Respectable.

I Arrived At My Hut In Beverly Hills Just In Time To Keep Real Estate Men From Plotting Off And Selling My Front Yard. They Will Sell You Anything Or Anybody's In The World As Long As They Can Get A First Payment... It Used To Be Only Iowa That Was Out Here But Now They Have Three Or Four Adjoining States Interested And They Are Here, Too. Real Estate Agents - You Never Saw As Many In Your Life; They Are As Thick As Bootleggers.

The Worst Thing That Happens To You May Be The Best Thing For You If You Don't Let It Get The Best Of You.

I Don't Know How A Lot Of These Nations Existed As Long As They Have Till We Could Get Some Of Our People Around And Show 'em How To Be Good And Pure Like Us.

I Bet After Seeing Us, George Washington Would Sue Us For Calling Him 'father.'

Farmers Spend More Time At Conventions Than They Do Plowing.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

Be A Politician; No Training Necessary.

We Owe More Money Than Any Nation In The World, And We Are Lowering Taxes. When Is The Time To Pay Off A Debt If It Is Not When You Are Doing Well? You Let A Politician Return Home From Washington And Announce, 'boys We Lowered Your Taxes. We Had To Borrow The Money To Do It, But We Did It.' Say, They Would Elect Him For Life.

There Is Nothing So Stupid As The Educated Man If You Get Him Off The Thing He Was Educated In.

The Crime Of Taxation Is Not In The Taking It, It's In The Way That It's Spent.

My Own Mother Died When I Was 10 Years Old. My Folks Have Told Me That What Little Humor I Have Comes From Her. I Can't Remember Her Humor, But I Can Remember Her Love And Understanding Of Me.

And, When The Votes Are Counted, Let Everybody, Including The Candidates, Get Into A Good Humor As Quick As They Got Into A Bad One.

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

The Money Was All Appropriated For The Top In The Hopes That It Would Trickle Down To The Needy. Mr. Hoover Didn’t Know That Money Trickled Up. Give It To The People At The Bottom And The People At The Top Will Have It Before Night, Anyhow. But It Will At Least Have Passed Through The Poor Fellow’s Hands.

In Europe Public Men Do Resign. But Here It's A Lost Art. You Have To Impeach 'em.

Take The Diplomacy Out Of War And The Thing Would Fall Flat In A Week.

There's No Way In The World You're Going To Make A Political Party Respectable Unless You Keep It Out Of Office.

Why One Ad Is Worth More To A Paper Than 40 Editorials.

Alexander Hamilton Started The U.s. Treasury With Nothing, And That Was The Closest Our Country Has Ever Been To Being Even.

I'm Not A Real Movie Star. I've Still Got The Same Wife I Started Out With Twenty-eight Years Ago.

People That Pay For Things Never Complain. It's The Guy You Give Something To That You Can't Please.

I Have Always Said That A Conference Was Held For One Reason Only, To Give Everybody A Chance To Get Sore At Everybody Else. Sometimes It Takes Two Or Three Conferences To Scare Up A War, But Generally One Will Do It.

Everything Is Funny, As Long As It's Happening To Somebody Else.

Just Because It's Common Sense, Doesn't Mean It's Common Practice.

There Is Something About A Republican That You Can Only Stand Him Just So Long; And On The Other Hand, There Is Something About A Democrat That You Can't Stand Him Quite That Long.

I See By The Papers That They Are Going To Do Away With All The Nuisance Taxes. That Means That A Man Can Get A Marriage License For Nothing.

This Thing About Getting Rid Of A Man In The Cabinet Is All Right, But There Is One Bad Feature To It That Few People Realize. That Is, That Unfortunately Every One Of Them Is Replaced By Someone Else. If It Wasn't For That, This Resignation Business Would Be Great.

You Can't Legitimately Kick On Income Tax, For It's On What You Have Made. You Have Already Made It. But, Look At Land, Farms, Homes, Stores, Vacant Lots. You Pay Year After Year On Them Whether You Make It Or Not.

Baseball Is A Skilled Game. It's America's Game - It, And High Taxes.

When You Get Into Trouble 5,000 Miles From Home, You've Got To Have Been Looking For It.

Give Her A Day, And Then In Return Momma Gives You The Other 364.

A Holding Company Is The People You Give Your Money To While You're Being Searched.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Congressional Record. They Have Had Some Awful Funny Articles In There Lately. As Our Government Deteriorates, Our Humor Increases.

No Party Is As Bad As Its Leaders.

And Kid Congress And The Senate, Dont Scold Em. They Are Just Children Thats Never Grown Up. They Dont Like To Be Corrected In Company. Dont Send Messages To Em, Send Candy.

Common Sense Is Not An Issue In Politics--it's An Affliction.

Government Spending? I Don't Know What It's All About. I Don't Know Any More About This Thing Than An Economist Does, And, God Knows, He Doesn't Know Much.

No Nation Ever Had Two Better Friends That We Have. You Know Who They Are? The Atlantic And Pacific Oceans.

I Bet Any Sunday Could Be Made As Popular At Church As Easter Is If You Made 'em Fashion Shows Too. The Audience Is So Busy Looking At Each Other That The Preacher Just As Well Recite Gunga Din.

Samuel Gompers Has Spent His Life Trying To Keep Labor From Working Too Hard And Has Succeeded Beyond His Wildest Dreams.

I Guess The Only Way To Stop Divorce Is To Stop Marriage.

Funny Relationship

I Will Never Joke About Old Soldiers Who Try To Get To Reunions To Talk Over The War Again. To Talk Of Old Times With Old Friends Is The Greatest Thing In The World.

More Words Ain't Good For Anything In The World Only To Bring On More Argument.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

There Is No Argument In The World That Carries The Hatred That A Relioious Belief Does. The More Learned A Man Is, The Less Consideration He Has For Another Man's Belief.

When You Straddle A Thing It Takes A Long Time To Explain It.

When I Die, I Want To Die Like My Grandfather Who Died Peacefully In His Sleep. Not Screaming Like All The Passengers In His Car.

The Older We Get, The Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.

Funny Happy Birthday

Waiting In Line

There Ain't Nothing That Breaks Up Homes, Country And Nations Like Somebody Publishing Their Memoirs

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

This Session Of Congress Is Also To Relieve The Farmer Again, Relieve Him Of Any Encouragement That He Might Have Received During The Last One.

Farmers Have More Associations, And Bureaus, And Clubs, Than They Have Pitchforks.

One Revolution Is Like One Cocktail, It Just Gets You Organized For The Next.

There Wasn't Any Republicans In Washington's Day. No Republicans, No Boll Weevil, No Income Tax, No Cover Charge, No Disarmament Conference, No Luncheon Clubs, No Stop Lights, No Static, No Head Winds. My Lord, Living In Those Days, Who Wouldn't Be Great?

I Don't Think Either One Of Them Knows What It's All About, To Be Honest With You. Both Sides Are Doing Nothing But Just Looking Towards The Next Election.

Hurray! Congress Is To Adjourn! Only Four More Days Of Congressional Burglary On The Treasury!

Rumor Travels Faster, But It Don't Stay Put As Long As Truth.

The Farmer Has To Be An Optimist Or He Wouldn't Still Be A Farmer.

The Time To Save Is Now. When A Dog Gets A Bone, He Doesn't Go Out And Make A Down Payment On A Bigger Bone. He Buries The One He's Got.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

Lettin' The Cat Outta The Bag Is A Whole Lot Easier 'n Puttin' It Back In.

You Know You Are Getting Old When Everything Either Dries Up Or Leaks.

Syntax Must Be Bad, Having Sin And Tax In It.

Asking Europe To Disarm Is Like Asking A Man In Chicago To Give Up His Life Insurance.

It Looks To Me Like Any Man That Wants To Be President In Times Like These Lacks Something.

Times Like These

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

One-third Of The People In The United States Promote, While The Other Two-thirds Provide.

People Should Be More Concerned With The Return Of Their Principal Than The Return On Their Principal.

Millions And Millions Of People Don't Pay An Income Tax, Because They Don't Earn Enough To Pay On One, But You Pay A Land Tax Whether It Ever Did Or Ever Will Earn You A Penny. You Should Pay On Things That You Buy Outside Of Bare Necessities. I Think This Sales Tax Is The Best Tax We Have Had In Years.

The Only Way To Solve The Traffic Problems Of The Country Is To Pass A Law That Only Paid-for Cars Are Allowed To Use The Highways. That Would Make Traffic So Scarce, We Could Use Our Boulevards For Children's Playgrounds.

The American People Are A Very Generous People And Will Forgive Almost Any Weakness, With The Possible, Exception Of Stupidity.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

If Stupidity Got Us Into This Mess, Then Why Can't It Get Us Out?

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Never Slap A Man Who's Chewing Tobacco.

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