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The Democrats Are Going To Change The Name Of The Hoover Dam. That Is The Silliest Thing I Ever Heard Of In Politics . . . Lord If They Feel That Way About It, I Don't See Why They Don't Just Reverse The Two Words.

-Will Rogers

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The Democrats Are Going

Will Rogers

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The Democrats Are Going To Change The Name Of The Hoover Dam. That Is The Silliest Thing I Ever Heard Of In Politics . . . Lord If They Feel That Way About It, I Don't See Why They Don't Just Reverse The Two Words.

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More From Will Rogers

All One Has To Do To Get One's Stuff In The Congressional Record Is To Find A Stenographer That Can Stay Awake Long Enough To Take It Down. Then You Mark In The 'applause' And 'laughter' Parts Yourself.

I Belong To No Organized Political Body. I Am A Democrat.

If Your Time Is Worth Anything, Travel By Air. If Not, You Might Just As Well Walk.

Lettin' The Cat Outta The Bag Is A Whole Lot Easier 'n Puttin' It Back In.

When You Give A Lesson In Meanness To A Critter Or A Person, Don't Be Surprised If They Learn Their Lesson.

Nobody Wants To Be Called Common People, Especially Common People.

President Coolidge Said, 'i Don't Want The Government To Go Into Business.' Well, If I Was Mr. Coolidge I Wouldn't Worry Over That. The Government Never Has Been Accused Of Being A Business Man.

There's The One Thing No Nation Can Ever Accuse Us Of And That Is Secret Diplomacy. Our Foreign Are An Open Book, Generally A Check Book.

When The Okies Left Oklahoma And Moved To California, They Raised The Average Intelligence Level In Both States.

In The Early Days Of The Indian Territory, There Were No Such Things As Birth Certificates. You Being There Was Certificate Enough.

Things In Our Country Run In Spite Of Government, Not By Aid Of It.

Politics Are Receiving A Lot Of Attention Because We Have Nothing Else To Interest Us. No Nation In The History Of The World Was Ever Sitting As Pretty. If We Want Anything, All We Have To Do Is Go And Buy It On Credit. So That Leaves Us Without Any Economic Problem Whatever, Except Perhaps Some Day To Have To Pay For Them. But We Are Certainly Not Thinking About That This Early.

There Is A Tremendous Movement On To Get Lower Taxes On Earned Incomes. Then Will Come The Real Problem, 'who Among Us On Salary Are Earning Our Income?'

The Best Way Out Of A Difficulty Is Through It.

Make Crime Pay. Become A Lawyer.

One Revolution Is Like One Cocktail, It Just Gets You Organized For The Next.

Conferences Are Just Like The Poor And The Democrats, They Will Always Be With Us.

Politics Is Not Worrying This Country One-tenth As Much As Where To Find A Parking Space.

I Don't Care How Poor And Inefficient A Little Country Is - They Like To Run Their Own Business. I Know Men That Would -make My Wife A Better Husband Than I Am But, Darn It, I'm Not Going To Give Her To 'em.

Know What You're Doing, Love What You're Doing, And Believe In What You're Doing.

The Difference Between A Republican And A Democrat Is That The Democrat Is A Cannibal, They Live Off Each Other, While The Republicans Live Off The Democrats.

Hundreds And Hundreds Of Beautiful Horses In The Parade And A Man Without A Silver Saddle Is A Vagrant.

The Old Horse Is Coming Back In A High Lope. Thousands Of People Are Riding A Horse Today That Five Years Ago Couldn't Sit In A Ford With All The Doors Locked.

That's One Thing About Republican Presidents. They Never Went In Much For Plans. They Only Had One Plan. It Says "boys, My Head Is Turned. Just Get It While You Can.

If We Could Just Go Back The Last Two Or Three Years And Do Our Buying A Little More Carefully, Why... We Would Be O.k.

I See Where We Are Starting To Pay Some Attention To Our Neighbors To The South. We Could Never Understand Why Mexico Wasn't Just Crazy About Us, For We Have Always Had Their Good Will, And Oil And Minerals, At Heart

I Love Horses And I Only Ask-don't Let Me Know Which One We Are Eating Today.

She Was So Ugly She Could Make A Mule Back Away From An Oat Bin.

What's Considered Enough Money? Just A Little Bit More.

Lord, The Money We Do Spend On Government And It's Not One Bit Better Than The Government We Got For One-third The Money Twenty Years Ago.

There's Only One Thing That Can Kill The Movies, And That's Education.

Anything Important Is Never Left To The Vote Of The People. We Only Get To Vote On Some Man; We Never Get To Vote On What He Is To Do.

On Prohibiting Anybody From Learning Anything: Why, In Five Years We Would Have The Smartest Race Of People On Earth.

The Older We Get, The Fewer Things Seem Worth Waiting In Line For.

Funny Happy Birthday

Waiting In Line

There Have Been Three Great Inventions Since The Beginning Of Time: Fire, The Wheel, And Central Banking.

It Would Drive A Person Crazy To Dope Out Really What Does Divide The Two Parties. Prosperity Don't Divide The Two Parties, For Under Either Administration The Poor Get Poorer And The Rich Get Richer.

You Should Never Try And Teach A Pig To Read For Two Reasons. First, It's Impossible; And Secondly, It Annoys The Hell Out Of The Pig!.

The Trouble With Our Praying Is, We Just Do It As A Means Of Last Resort.

There Is Only One Redeeming Thing About This Whole Election. It Will Be Over At Sundown, And Let Everybody Pray That It's Not A Tie, For We Couldn't Go Through With This Thing Again.

Too Many People Spend Money They Haven't Earned To Buy Things They Don't Want To Impress People They Don't Like.

Common Sense Is Not An Issue In Politics--it's An Affliction.

You Know The More You Read And Observe About This Politics Thing, You Got To Admit That Each Party Is Worse Than The Other. The One That's Out Always Looks The Best. My Only Solution Would Be To Keep Em Both Out One Term And Hire My Good Friend Henry Ford To Run The Whole Thing, And Give Him A Commission On What He Saves Us.

Now They Got Such A High Inheritance Tax On 'em That You Won't Catch These Old Rich Boys Dying Promiscuously Like They Did. This Bill Makes Patriots Out Of Everybody. You Sure Do Die For Your Country If You Die From Now On.

Every Man Is Ignorant - Just On Different Subjects.

Do The Best You Can, And Don't Take Life Too Serious.

A Republican Moves Slowly. They Are What We Call Conservatives. A Conservative Is A Man Who Has Plenty Of Money And Doesn't See Any Reason Why He Shouldn't Always Have Plenty Of Money. A Democrat Is A Fellow Who Never Had Any, But Doesn't See Any Reason Why He Shouldn't Have Some.

Don't Raise Anything, Except What Fits Your Appetite. Then The Price Don't Worry You. Just Raise All You Can Eat And Let The Low Prices Go By.

It Costs Ten Times More To Govern Us Than It Used To, And We Are Not Governed One-tenth As Good.

Coolidge Is A Better Example Of Evolution Than Either Bryan Or Darrow, For He Knows When Not To Talk, Which Is The Biggest Asset The Monkey Possesses Over The Human.

Americans Are Getting Like A Ford Car, They All Have The Same Exact Parts, The Same Upholstering And Make Exactly The Same Noises.

If You Feel The Urge, Don't Be Afraid To Go On A Wild Goose Chase. What Do You Think Wild Geese Are For Anyway?

Things Will Get Better - Despite Our Efforts To Improve Them.

Things Will Get Better

A Fool And His Money Are Soon Elected.

The Senate Just Sits And Waits Till They Find Out What The President Wants, So They Know How To Vote Against Him.

Even When You Make A Tax Form Out On The Level, You Don't Know When It's Through If You Are A Crook Or A Martyr.

Some People Try To Turn Back Their Odometers. Not Me, I Want People To Know “why” I Look This Way. I’ve Traveled A Long Way And Some Of The Roads Weren’t Paved.

The Sales Tax Is The Best And Most Equitable Tax. The Gasoline Tax, Which Is Nothing But A Sales Tax, Has Proven Painless, Productive And Punitive. Everything We Buy Should Have Its Equal Proportion Of Tax, Outside Of Cheap Food And Cheap Clothes.

We Have The Best Congress That Money Can Buy.

Get A Sales Tax, Small On Necessities And Large On Luxuries; Then A Stiff Inheritance Tax On The Fellow That Saves And Don't Spend. That Will Get Him Either Way. A Tax Paid On The Day You Buy Is Not As Tough As Asking You For It The Next Year When You Are Broke.

There Is One Rule That Works In Every Calamity. Be It Pestilence, War, Or Famine, The Rich Get Richer And Poor Get Poorer. The Poor Even Help Arrange It.

Say, This New Home Building Idea Of President Hoover's Sounds Good. They Are Working Out A Lot Of Beneficial Things. The Only Thing Is It Took 'em So Long To Think Of Any Of 'em. We Ought To Have Plans In Case Of Depression, Just Like We Do In Case Of Fire, 'walk, Don't Run, To The Nearest Exit.'

A Vision, Without A Plan, Is Just A Hallucination.

I Don't Know How A Lot Of These Nations Existed As Long As They Have Till We Could Get Some Of Our People Around And Show 'em How To Be Good And Pure Like Us.

Nothing You Can't Spell Will Ever Work.

It Takes A Lifetime To Build A Good Reputation, But You Can Lose It In A Minute.

Farmers Have About Given Up Hope Of Getting Farm Relief And Have Decided To Fertilize Instead.

You Could Transfer Congress Over To Run Standard Oil Or General Motors, And They Would Have Both Things Bankrupt In Two Years.

I Don't Think You Can Make A Lawyer Honest By An Act Of Legislature. You've Got To Work On His Conscience. And His Lack Of Conscience Is What Makes Him A Lawyer.

It's Easy Being A Humorist When You've Got The Whole Government Working For You.

When Everybody Has Got Money They Cut Taxes, And When They're Broke They Raise Them. That's Statesmanship Of The Highest Order.

Don't Let Yesterday Use Up Too Much Of Today.

Any Person That Don't Read At Least One Well-written Country Newspaper Is Not Truly Informed.

Andrew Jackson Was The First One To Think Up The Idea To Promise Everybody That If They Will Vote For You, You Will Give Them An Office When You Get It, And The More Times They Vote For You, The Bigger The Office.

If You Got A Dollar, Soak It Away, Put It In A Savings Bank, Bury It, Do Anything But Spend It. Spending When We Didn't Have It Put Us Where We Are Today. Saving When We've Got It Will Get Us Back To Where We Was Before We Went Cuckoo.

Eventually You Will Reach A Point When You Stop Lying About Your Age And Start Bragging About It.

The Problem Ain't What People Know. It's What People Know That Ain't So That's The Problem.

Asking Europe To Disarm Is Like Asking A Man In Chicago To Give Up His Life Insurance.

Under Capitalism Man Exploits Man; Under Socialism The Reverse Is True.

The Small Town Is Passing. It Was The Incubator That Hatched All Our Big Men, And That's Why We Haven't Got As Many Big Men Today As We Used To Have. Take Every Small-town-raised Leader Out Of Business And You Would Have Nobody Left Running It But Vice-presidents.

This Session Of Congress Is Also To Relieve The Farmer Again, Relieve Him Of Any Encouragement That He Might Have Received During The Last One.

There Is A Hundred Things To Single You Out For Promotion In Party Politics Besides Ability.

America Is A Nation That Conceives Many Odd Inventions For Getting Somewhere But It Can Think Of Nothing To Do Once It Gets There.

The Man Who Never Makes A Mistake Must Get Tired Of Doing Nothing.

The Fellow That Can Only See A Week Ahead Is Always The Popular Fellow, For He Is Looking With The Crowd. But The One That Can See Years Ahead, He Has A Telescope But He Can't Make Anybody Believe That He Has It.

If You Have A Radio, The Next Three Months Is A Good Time To Have It Quit Working. All You Will Hear From Now Until The 4th Of November Will Be: 'we Must Get Our Government Out Of The Hands Of Predatory Wealth.' 'the Good People Of This Great Country Are Burdened To Death With Taxes. Now What I Intend To Do Is ...' What He Intends To Do Is Try And Get Elected. That's All Any Of Them Intend To Do. Another One That Will Hum Over The Old Static Every Night Will Be: 'this Country Has Reached A Crisis In Its National Existence.'

Mothers Are The Only Race Of People That Speak The Same Tongue. A Mother In Manchuria Could Converse With A Mother In Nebraska And Never Miss A Word.

When You Are Satisfied, You Are Successful. For That's All There Is To Success Is Satisfaction.

People Are Marvelous In Their Generosity, If They Just Know The Cause Is There.

This Country Has Gotten Where It Is In Spite Of Politics, Not By The Aid Of It. That We Have Carried As Much Political Bunk As We Have And Still Survived Shows We Are A Super Nation.

Land Taxes Is The Thing. They Got So High That There Is No Chance To Make Anything. Not Only Land But All Property Tax. You See In The Old Days, Why The Only Thing They Knew How To Tax Was Land, Or A House. Well, That Condition Went Along For Quite Awhile, So Even Today The Whole Country Tries To Run Its Revenue On Taxes On Land. They Never Ask If The Land Makes Anything. "it's Land Ain't It? Well Tax It Then."

If You're Ridin' Ahead Of The Herd, Take A Look Back Every Now And Then To Make Sure It's Still There

People Learn More From Observation That They Do From Conversation.

Every Harvard Class Should Have One Democrat To Rescue It From Oblivion.

Outside Of Traffic, There Is Nothing That Has Held This Country Back As Much As Committees.

Everything Is Funny As Long As It Is Happening To Somebody Else, But When It Happens To You, Why It Seems To Lose Some Of Its Humor, And If It Keeps On Happening, Why The Entire Laughter Kinder Fades Out Of It.

I Remember When Being Liberal Meant Being Generous With Your Own Money.

Last Year We Said, 'things Can't Go On Like This', And They Didn't, They Got Worse.

Elections Are A Good Deal Like Marriages. There's No Accounting For Anyone's Taste. Every Time We See A Bridegroom We Wonder Why She Ever Picked Him, And It's The Same With Public Officials.

Millions And Millions Of People Don't Pay An Income Tax, Because They Don't Earn Enough To Pay On One, But You Pay A Land Tax Whether It Ever Did Or Ever Will Earn You A Penny. You Should Pay On Things That You Buy Outside Of Bare Necessities. I Think This Sales Tax Is The Best Tax We Have Had In Years.

The Whole Financial Structure Of Wall Street Seems To Rise Or Fall On The Mere Fact That The Federal Reserve Bank Raises Or Lowers The Amount Of Interest. Any Business That Can't Survive A One Percent Change Must Be Skating On Thin Ice. Why Even The Poor Farmer Took A Raise Of Another Ten Percent Just To Get A Loan From The Bank, And Nobody From The Government Paid Any Attention. But You Let Wall Street Have A Nightmare And The Whole Country Has To Help To Get Them Back Into Bed Again.

Whoever Said A Horse Was Dumb, Was Dumb

A Successful Outcome Shows What Hard Work, Perseverance And Taking Advantage Of Your Opportunities Will Do For You.

The Good Old Horse-and-buggy Days: Then You Lived Until You Died And Not Until You Were Run Over.

There Is One Guaranteed Formula For Failure, And That Is To Try To Please Everyone.

Horses Raise What The Farmer Eats And Eats What The Farmer Raises. You Can't Plow The Ground And Get Gasoline.

You Shake A Slogan At An American And It's Just Like Showing A Hungry Dog A Bone.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like."

Old Hollywood Is Just Like A Desert Water In Africa. Hang Around Long Enough And Every Kind Of Animal In The World Will Drift In For Refreshments.

How Is The Government Going To Get The Extra Taxes? Out Of The Rich, Or Just Out Of The Poor, As Usual?

So The Question Rises: How Much Liberty Can You Get Away With? Well, You Get No More Liberty Than You Give!

I Love A Dog. He Does Nothing For Political Reasons.

We Do More Talking Progress Than We Do Progressing.

You Know, A Communist's Whole Life Work Is Based On Complaint Of How Everything Is Done.... So If They Ever Get Their Country Running Good They Will Defeat Their Own Cause.

Coolidge Made Less Speeches And Got More Votes Than Any Man That Ever Run. (william Jennings) Bryan Was Listened To And Cheered By More People Than Any Single Human In Politics, And He Lost. So There Is A Doubt Just Whether Talking Does You Good Or Harm.

More Men Have Been Elected Between Sundown And Sunup Than Ever Were Elected Between Sunup And Sundown.

All I Know Is Just What I Read In The Papers, And That's An Alibi For My Ignorance.

The Problem In America Isn't So Much What People Don't Know; The Problem Is What People Think They Know That Just Ain't So.

The Time To Save Is Now. When A Dog Gets A Bone, He Doesn't Go Out And Make A Down Payment On A Bigger Bone. He Buries The One He's Got.

If The Other Fellow Sells Cheaper Than You, It Is Called Dumping. 'course, If You Sell Cheaper Than Him, That's Mass Production.

So Let's Be Honest With Ourselves And Not Take Ourselves Too Serious, And Never Condemn The Other Fellow For Doing What We Are Doing Every Day, Only In A Different Way.

Being Different

The Bankers Just Got A Good Cussing By Everybody For Loaning Too Much Money. Well, They Got Some Awful Nice Buildings. So When A Banker Fails, He Fails In Splendor.

I Hope We Never Live To See The Day When A Thing Is As Bad As Some Of Our Newspapers Make It.

Newspapers Journalism

There Is No More Independence In Politics Than There Is In Jail.

It Isn't What We Don't Know That Gives Us Trouble, It's What We Know That Ain't So.

There's No Way In The World You're Going To Make A Political Party Respectable Unless You Keep It Out Of Office.

We Know Lots Of Things We Didn't Use To Know But We Don't Know Any Way To Prevent 'em From Happening.

The Farmer Has To Be An Optimist Or He Wouldn't Still Be A Farmer.

When I Die, My Epitaph Or Whatever You Call Those Signs On Gravestones Is Going To Read: "i Joked About Every Prominent Man Of My Time, But I Never Met A Man I Didn't Like." I Am So Proud Of That I Can Hardly Wait To Die So It Can Be Carved. And When You Come To My Grave You Will Find Me Sitting There, Proudly Reading It.

The Only Difference Between Death And Taxes Is That Death Doesn't Get Worse Every Time Congress Meets.

Believe In Something For Another World, But Don't Be Too Set On What It Is, And Then You Won't Start Out That Life With A Disappontment. Live Your Life So That Whenever You Lose You Are Ahead.

If You Can Build A Business Up Big Enough, It's Respectable.

We Are Here For Just A Spell, So Get A Few Laughs.

I Never Met A Man That I Didn't Like.

People Should Be More Concerned With The Return Of Their Principal Than The Return On Their Principal.

Wine Had Such Ill Effects On Noah's Health That It Was All He Could Do To Live 950 Years. Show Me A Total Abstainer That Ever Lived That Long.

There Will Never Be A Time When The Old Horse Is Not Superior To Any Auto Ever Made.

You Know Horses Are Smarter Than People. You Never Heard Of A Horse Going Broke Betting On People.

You Can Take Any Line Of Business And Skill And The Ones Who Do It The Best Are The Ones Who Get The Most Money For It.

Live In Such A Way That You Would Not Be Ashamed To Sell Your Parrot To The Town Gossip.

There Is Some Talk Of Lowering (the Income Tax), And They Will Have To. People Are Not Making Enough To Pay It.

He [calvin Coolidge] Is The First President To Discover That What The American People Want Is To Be Left Alone.

A Debt Is Just As Hard For A Government To Pay As It Is For An Individual. No Debt Ever Comes Due At A Good Time. Borrowing Is The Only Thing That Seems Handy All The Time.

In A Real Estate Man's Eye, The Most Expensive Part Of The City Is Where He Has A House To Sell

These Dust Storms.... Poor Farmer Spent A Lifetime Fixin' His Farm And Everything, Goes Out And Looks Down At It, And It's Up Above Him.

There Is Nothing That Sets A Nation Back As Far In Civilization As Prosperity.

If All Politicians Fished Instead Of Spoke Publicly, We Would Be At Peace With The World.

Ignorance Lies Not In The Things You Don't Know, But In The Things You Know That Ain't So.

Labor Day, I Suppose Set By An Act Of Congress. Everything We Do Nowadays Is Either By, Or Against, Acts Of Congress. How Congress Knew Anything About Labor Is Beyond Us.

The Only Way You Can Beat The Lawyers Is To Die With Nothing.

If Wall Street Paid A Tax On Every “game” They Run, We Would Get Enough Revenue To Run The Government On.

There Is Nothing Fairer Than Workmen Having Unions Of Their Mutual Benefit.

Politics Is The Best Show In America. I Love Animals And I Love Politicians, And I Like To Watch Both Of 'em At Play, Either Back Home In Their Native State, Or After They've Been Captured And Sent To A Zoo, Or To Washington.

Does College Pay? They Do If You Are A Good Open-field Runner.

When A Fellow Ain't Got Much Mind, It Don't Take Him Long To Make It Up.

Never Blame A Legislative Body For Not Doing Something. When They Do Nothing, That Don't Hurt Anybody. When They Do Something Is When They Become Dangerous.

I'm Not A Member Of An Organized Party. I'm A Democrat.

I Guess The Only Way To Stop Divorce Is To Stop Marriage.

Funny Relationship

There Is A Terrible Lot Of Us Who Don't Think That We Come From A Monkey, But If There Are Some People Who Think That They Do, Why, It's Not Our Business To Rob Them Of What Little Pleasure They Might Get Out Of Imagining It.

A Comedian Can Only Last Till He Either Takes Himself Serious Or His Audience Takes Him Serious.

The Only Real Diplomacy Ever Performed By A Diplomat Is In Deceiving Their Own People After Their Dumbness Has Got Them Into A War.

I Make A Living Off (politicians), So I Can't Knock 'em. Every Time We Elect Some Fellow We Think He's Terrible And Then When We Get Another One In He's Worse. So, I Am Always In Favor Of Keeping The One We've Got And Let The Other Go.

Now These Fellows In Washington Wouldn't Be So Serious And Particular If They Only Had To Vote On What They Thought Was Good For The Majority Of The People In The U.s. That Would Be A Cinch. But What Makes It Hard For Them Is Every Time A Bill Comes Up They Have Things To Decide That Have Nothing To Do With The Merit Of The Bill. The Principal Thing Is Of Course: What Will This Do For Me Personally Back Home?

You Can't Legislate Intelligence And Common Sense Into People.

I Know Worrying Works, Because None Of The Stuff I Worried About Ever Happened.

You've Got To Be (an) Optimist To Be A Democrat, And You've Got To Be A Humorist To Stay One

Why Don't Somebody Print The Truth About Our Present Economic Situation? We Spent Six Years Of Wild Buying On Credit - Everything Under The Sun, Whether We Needed It Or Not - And Now We Are Having To Pay For 'em, And We Are Howling Like A Pet Coon.

If You Want To Be Successful, Love What You Are Doing.

The Business Of Government Is To Keep The Government Out Of Business - That Is, Unless Business Needs Government Aid.

If You Get To Thinking You're A Person Of Some Influence, Try Ordering Somebody Else's Dog Around.

You've Got To Go Out On A Limb Sometimes Because That's Where The Fruit Is.

One Thing I Will Say About The Germans, They Are Always Perfectly Willing To Give Somebody's Land To Somebody Else

It Looks Like The Financial Giants Of The World Have Bungled As Much As The Diplomats And Politicians. This Would Be A Great Time In The World For Some Man To Come Along That Knew Something.

There Is No More Interesting Place In The World To Meet Characters Than A Movie Set.

If You Are Trying To Get Out Of The Hole, Stop Digging.

Those Tax-exempt Bonds Were Put In So That A Town Or A State Or A Government Could Sell More Bonds Than It Ought To.

They Are Each Good When They Are Out, And Each Bad When They Are In.

The Country Has Gone Sane And Got Back To Horses.

I Know Things Are Going To Get Better In Spite Of Both Sides. Then When Things Do Get Better, Then You'll Hear The Yell That Will Go Up. The Democrats Will Swear That Recovery Was Due To Them. Now The Republicans, They'll Say It Was Due To Them. Nobody Wanted To Claim The Credit For The Country Blowing Up, But Wait Until It Starts Picking Up And They'll Both Be On It Then. See?

George Washington Was Quite A Farmer. He Was A Farmer, Civil Engineer And Gentleman. He Made Enough At Civil Engineering To Indulge In Both The Other Luxuries.

Be A Politician; No Training Necessary.

Many A Politician Wishes There Was A Law To Burn Old Records.

My Forefathers Didn't Come Over On The Mayflower, But They Met The Boat.

Native American

Common Sense Ain't Common.

Sometimes People Deserve A High Five, In The Face, With A Chair.

If You Want To Know How A Man Stands, Go Among The People Who Are In His Same Business.

I Traveled A Good Deal All Over The World, And I Got Along Pretty Good In All These Foreign Countries, For I Have A Theory That It's Their Country And They Got A Right To Run It Like They Want To.

Hurray! Congress Is To Adjourn! Only Four More Days Of Congressional Burglary On The Treasury!

Democrats Are The Only Reason To Vote For Republicans

There Ought To Be One Day - Just One - When There Is Open Season On Senators.

America Is A Great Country, But You Can't Live In It For Nothing.

They Are Having Quite An Argument Over Treasury Secretary Mellon's Tax Bill. Mr. Mellon Wants To Cut The Surtax On The Rich, And Leave It As Is On The Poor, As There Is More Poor Than Rich. I Suppose The Majority Will Win.

Ohio Claims They Are Due A President As They Haven't Had One Since Taft. Look At The United States, They Have Not Had One Since Lincoln.

I Have Often Said In Answer To Inquiries As To How I Got Away With Kidding Some Of Our Public Men, That It Was Because I Liked All Of Them Personally, And That If There Was No Malice In Your Heart There Could Be None In Your "gags", And I Have Always Said I Never Met A Man I Dident Like.

I Like To Hear A Man Talk About Himself Because Then I Never Hear Anything, But Good.

Both Gangs Have Been Bad Sports, So See If At Least One Can't Redeem Themselves By Offering No Alibis, But Cooperate With The Winner, For No Matter Which One It Is The Poor Fellow Is Going To Need It.

I Have Always Noticed That People Will Never Laugh At Anything That Is Not Based On Truth.

If You Want To Be Successful, It's Just This Simple. Know What You Are Doing. Love What You Are Doing. And Believe In What You Are Doing.

Politics Pretty Quiet Over The Week-end. Democrats Are Attacking And The Republicans Are Defending. All The Democrats Have To Do Is Promise "what They Would Do If They Got In." But The Republicans Have To Promise "what They Would Do" And Then Explain Why They Haven't Already "done It".

I Have A Scheme For Stopping War. It's This - No Nation Is Allowed To Enter A War Till They Have Paid For The Last One.

I Am Not A Member Of Any Organized Political Party. I Am A Democrat.

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