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I Was On A Bus Once, It Was In The Middle Of The Night, And I Had A Box Of Crackers And A Can Of Easy Cheese. It Was Dark, And It Was A Surprise How Much Cheese I Had Applied On Each Cracker. That's Why They Should Have A Glow-in-the-dark Version Of Easy Cheese. It's Not Like The Product Has Any Integrity To Begin With. If You Buy A Room-temperature Cheese That You Squeeze Out Of A Can, You Probably Won't Get Mad Because It Glows In The Dark Too.

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Was On A

Mitch Hedberg

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I Was On A Bus Once, It Was In The Middle Of The Night, And I Had A Box Of Crackers And A Can Of Easy Cheese. It Was Dark, And It Was A Surprise How Much Cheese I Had Applied On Each Cracker. That's Why They Should Have A Glow-in-the-dark Version Of Easy Cheese. It's Not Like The Product Has Any Integrity To Begin With. If You Buy A Room-temperature Cheese That You Squeeze Out Of A Can, You Probably Won't Get Mad Because It Glows In The Dark Too.

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I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

Mitch's Pizzaria... This Week's Coupon: Unlimited Free Pizza. Special Note: Coupon Not Good At Any Of The Mitch's Pizza Locations. Free Pizza Oven With Purchase Of A Small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: Buy One Pizza, Get One Franchise Free.

I Got A Hotel Room At New York New York In Las Vegas And I Was Very Happy. They've Got That Rollercoaster Encircling The Entire Premises, Just Like Manhattan.

I Went To The Park And Saw This Kid Flying A Kite. The Kid Was Really Excited. I Don't Know Why, That's What They're Supposed To Do. Now If He Had Had A Chair On The Other End Of That String, I Would Have Been Impressed.

Pepperidge Farm Bread. That's Fancy Bread. You Can Tell It's Fancy Because It's Wrapped Twice. You Open It, And It Still Isn't Open. That's Why I Don't Buy It. I Don't Need Another Step Between Me And Toast.

We Don't Have To Fix Anything.

Mr. Pibb Is A Poor Imitation Of Dr. Pepper. Dude Didn't Even Get His Degree.

I Ate One Anchovy, And That Is Why I Did Not Eat Two Anchovies.

I Got Binoculars 'cause I Don't Want To Go That Close.

Come On 'long Prosperous Life!'

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

You Know When A Company Wants To Use Letters In Their Phone Number, But Often They'll Use Too Many Letters? "call 1-800-i-really-enjoy-brand-new-carpeting." Too Many Letters, Man, Must I Dial Them All? "hello? Hold On, Man, I'm Only On 'enjoy.' How Did You Know I Was Calling? You're Good, I Can See Why They Hired You!"

The Depressing Thing About Tennis Is That No Matter How Good I Get, I'll Never Be As Good As A Wall.

My Lucky Number Is Four Billion. That Doesn't Come In Real Handy When You're Gambling. "come On, Four Billion! Darn! Seven. Not Even Close. I Need More Dice."

Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because That Would Be Too Long.

A Lot Of Bands Have Intense Names, Like "rigor Mortis" Or "mortuary". We Weren't That Intense, We Called Ourselves "injured". Later On We Changed It To "acapella" When We Were Walking Out Of The Pawn Shop.

If You Want To Talk To Me After The Show, I'd Be Surprised.

It's Weird... People Say They're Not Like Apes. Now How Do You Explain Football Then?

I Don't Know How To Fix A Car. If The Car Breaks Down, And The Gas Tank Does Not Say "e", I'm Screwed. But If The Gas Tank Says "e", I Get All Cocky - "i've Got This One, Don't Worry." So I Get Out The Toolbox Aka Wallet.

I Like To Wear A "do Not Disturb" Sign Around My Neck So That Little Kids Can't Tell Me Knock-knock Jokes. "hey, How Ya Doin'? Knock-knock." "read The Sign, Punk!"

I Remixed A Remix, It Was Back To Normal.

Here's A Thought For Sweat Shop Owners: Air Conditioning. Problem Solved.

I Went To The Store And Bought Eight Apples; The Clerk Said, "do You Want These In A Bag?" I Said, "oh, No, Man, I Juggle."

I Hate Flossing, I Wish I Just Had One Long Curvy Tooth. They Didn't Have To Make Separations For Me.

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