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People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

-Mitch Hedberg

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People Associate Long Hair

Mitch Hedberg

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People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

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It's Weird... People Say They're Not Like Apes. Now How Do You Explain Football Then?

Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!

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I Can't Eat Spaghetti. There's Too Many Of Them.

I Want To Get Non-aerosol Mace, You Just Rub It In. "dude Who Is Attacking Me - Come A Little Closer!"

I Like To Smoke A Pipe, Because It's The Punch Line Indicator. Whenever I Take A Hit Of The Pipe, You Should Be Laughing.

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs.

I Have A Few Cavities. I Don't Like To Call Them Cavities, Though - I Like To Call Them 'places To Put Stuff'. 'do You Know Where I Can Store A Pea' 'yes, I Have Some Locations Available.'

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

I Went To A Record Store, They Said They Specialized In Hard-to-find Records. Nothing Was Alphabetized!

I Have An Oscillating Fan At My House. It Goes Back And Forth. It Looks Like The Fan Is Saying "no." So I Like To Ask It Questions That A Fan Would Say "no" To! Do You Keep My Hair In Place? Do You Keep My Documents In Order? Do You Have 3 Settings? Liar! My Fan Lied To Me. Now I Will Pull The Pin Up. Now You're Not Saying Anything!

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

I Know People Who Believe In Ghosts But Don’t Believe In Themselves. It’s Kind Of Sad. Okay You Don’t Think You’ll Ever Make It As A Musician, But Last Night You Saw A Translucent Caveman.

I Have No Problem Not Listening To The Temptations.

I Would Not Want To Be A Mobile Home Repo Man. Those Would Be Hard To Sneak Away - "knock Knock - Hi, Would You Go Cut Your Grass And Look That Way For A Half An Hour?"

I Went To A Restaurant, And I Saw A Guy Wearing A Leather Jacket, Eating A Hamburger, Drinking A Glass Of Milk. I Said, "dude, You Are A Cow. The Metamorphosis Is Complete. Don't Fall Asleep Or I Will Tip You Over!"

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

I Wrote A Letter To My Dad - I Wrote, "i Really Enjoy Being Here," But I Accidentally Wrote Rarely Instead Of Really. But I Still Wanted To Use It, So I Wrote, "i Rarely Drive Steamboats, Dad - There's A Lot Of Stuff You Don't Know About Me. Quit Trying To Act Like I'm A Steamboat Operator." This Letter Took A Harsh Turn Right Away.

They Could Take Sesame Seeds Off The Market And I Wouldn't Even Care. I Can't Imagine 5 Years From Now Saying, "remember Sesame Seeds? What Happened? All The Buns Are Blank!"

I Don't Want To Have My Face On The Cover Of A Wheaties Box. I Wanna Have My Face On The Cover Of A Rice Krispies Box. "snap, Krackle, Mitch And Pop"!

I Get The Reese's Candy Bar. You Look At That, There's An Apostrophe-s There. That Means The Candy Bar Is His. I Didn't Know That. Next Time You're Eating A Reese's Candy Bar, And A Guy Named Reese Comes By And Says, "gimme That", You Better Hand It Over.

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

I Got Two Stools, In Case I Want To Sit Down And Sit Down Again On Something Else.

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Stonewall Jackson

Theodore Kaczynski

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