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I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Had A Stick

Mitch Hedberg

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I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

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People Ask Me For My Autograph After A Show. I'm Not Famous, I Think They're Messing With Me. I Think They're Trying To Make Me Late For Something.

A Snake Bite Emergency Kit Is A Body Bag.

I Would Imagine The Inside Of A Bottle Of Cleaning Fluid Is Really Clean. I Would Imagine A Vodka Bottle Is Really Drunk.

A Waffle Is Like A Pancake With A Syrup Trap.

If Carrots Got You Drunk, Rabbits Would Be Messed-up.

Advil Has A Candy Coating. It's Delicious. Then It Says On The Bottle, Do Not Have More Than Two. Then Why Do They Have A Candy Coating? I Cannot Help Myself. Let Me Have Ten Advil, I Have A Sweet Tooth.

I Have A Sharpie. I Love Sharpies. You Know What They Say On Them? Not For Letter Writing. That Sucks. Now I Have To Communicate With My Dad Using Numbers.

I Play The Guitar. I Taught Myself How To Play The Guitar, Which Was A Bad Decision... Because I Didn't Know How To Play It, So I Was A Shitty Teacher. I Would Never Have Went To Me.

A Friend Said To Me, "i Think The Weather Is Trippy." I Said, "no, Man, It's Not The Weather That's Trippy, Perhaps It's The Way We Perceive It." And Then I Realized I Just Should Have Said, "yeah."

It's Weird... People Say They're Not Like Apes. Now How Do You Explain Football Then?

I'm Not Into Sports. I Mean...i Like Gatorade, But That's As Far As It Goes.

I Type A 101 Words A Minute. But It's In My Own Language.

I Wish They Made Fajita Cologne, Because That Stuff Smells Good. What's That You're Wearing? That's Sizzlin'!

Snake Eyes Is A Gambling Term, And An Animal Term, Too.

Foosball Screwed Up My Perception Of Soccer. I Though You Had To Kick The Ball And Then Spin Around And Around. I Can't Do A Back Flip, Much Less Several Simultaneously With Two Other Guys.

I Miss The $2 Bill, 'cause I Can Break A Two. $20, No. $10, No. $5, Maybe, $2? Oh Yeah. What Do You Need, A One And Another One?

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same.

I Don't Have Any Children, But If I Had A Baby, I Would Have To Name It, So I Would Get A Baby-naming Book. Or I Would Invite Somebody Over Who Had A Cast On.

I Went To A Restaurant With My Friend, And He Said, "pass The Salt." I Said, "screw You! Sit Closer To The Salt."

I Bought A House, It's A Two Bedroom House, But I Think It's Up To Me To Decide How Many Bedrooms There Are. This Bedroom Has An Oven In It. This Bedroom Has A Lot Of People Sitting Around Watching Tv. This Bedroom Is Over In That Other Guy's House.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

Because Of Acid, I Now Know That Butter Is Way Better Than Margarine.

I Find That A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread. A Duck Loves Bread, But He Does Not Have The Capability To Buy A Loaf. That's The Biggest Joke On The Duck Ever. If I Worked At A Convenience Store, And A Duck Came In And Stole A Loaf Of Bread, I Would Let Him Go. I'd Say, "come Back Tomorrow, Bring Your Friends!" When I Think Of A Duck's Friends, I Think Of Other Ducks. But He Could Have, Say, A Beaver In Tow.

I Saw A Human Pyramid Once. It Was Very Unnecessary. It Did Not Need To Exist.

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

I'd Hate To Be A Giraffe With A Sore Throat.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8?

Magicians Disappear All The Time, But As Soon As A Regular Person Does It, Everyone Is All Scared. "tom's Gone!" "is He A Magician?" "no." "then Let's Print Up Some Flyers!"

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

Sometimes I Get Really Lonely. Especially When I'm Throwing A Frisbee.

I Saw This Wino, He Was Eating Grapes. I Was Like, "dude, You Have To Wait".

I Hate Dreaming Because When You Want To Sleep, You Want To Sleep. Dreaming Is Work. Next Thing You Know, I Have To Build A Go-cart With My Ex-landlord.

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

I Don't Own A Cell Phone Or A Pager. I Just Hang Around Everyone I Know, All The Time. If Someone Wants To Get A Hold Of Me, They Just Say 'mitch,' And I Say 'what?' And Turn My Head Slightly.

I Did A Radio Interview; The Dj's First Question Was "who Are You?" I Had To Think. Is This Guy Really Deep, Or Did I Drive To The Wrong Station?

I Thought My Teeth Were White Until I Washed My Face With Noxzema. My Teeth Are Off-white. I'm Not Even White. I'm Off-white. It's A New Race; We Will Prevail!

I Used To Do Drugs. I Still Do Drugs. But I Used To, Too.

I Was At A Restaurant, And I Ordered A Chicken Sandwich, But I Don't Think The Waitress Understood Me. She Asked Me, "how Would You Like Your Eggs?" I Thought I Would Answer Her Anyway And Said, "incubated! And Then Raised, Plucked, Beheaded, Cut Up, Put Onto A Grill, And Then Put Onto A Bun. Damn! I Don't Have That Much Time! Scrambled!"

I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because That Would Be Too Long.

Every Picture Of You Is When You Were Younger.

They Could Take Sesame Seeds Off The Market And I Wouldn't Even Care. I Can't Imagine 5 Years From Now Saying, "remember Sesame Seeds? What Happened? All The Buns Are Blank!"

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

Cavities Are Made By Sugar. So If You Need To Dig A Hole, Then Lay Down Some Candy Bars!

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

I`ve Not Really Been Angling To Be A Comedian. I Knew Comics And I Loved Them And I Loved Being Funny, But I Didn't Understand The Whole Concept Of Becoming One. My First Couple Of Times On Stage, I Was Like, "this Is What I'm Doing For Sure." I Was So Excited.

I Have An Oscillating Fan At My House. It Goes Back And Forth. It Looks Like The Fan Is Saying "no." So I Like To Ask It Questions That A Fan Would Say "no" To! Do You Keep My Hair In Place? Do You Keep My Documents In Order? Do You Have 3 Settings? Liar! My Fan Lied To Me. Now I Will Pull The Pin Up. Now You're Not Saying Anything!

My Girlfriend Is Named Lynn. She Spells Her Name "lynn". My Old Girlfriend's Name Is Lyn, Too, But She Spells It "lyn". Every Now And Then I Screw Up, I Call My New Girlfriend By My Old Girlfriend's Name, And She Can Tell Because I Don't Say "n" As Long.

I Had A Paper Route When I Was A Kid. I Was Supposed To Go To 2,000 Houses. Or Two Dumpsters.

Incubated. And Then Raised. And Then Beheaded. And Then Plucked. And Then Cut Up. And Then Put On A Grill. And Then Put On A Bun. Damn, It's Gonna Take A While. I Don't Have Time. Scrambled!

There's A Guy In The Audience With A Distinctive Laugh. I Hope That Guy Is Miked. The Only Problem With Having A Distinctive Laugh Is I Know Exactly When That Guy Isn't Laughing. "oh, Distinctive Laugh Doesn't Think That Joke Was Funny!"

I Would Like To Go Fishing And Catch A Fish Stick. That Would Be Convenient. I Could Easily Get A Job At Mrs. Paul's.

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

I Hate Turkeys. If You Stand In The Meat Section At The Grocery Store Long Enough, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. There's Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Some One Needs To Tell The Turkey, 'man, Just Be Yourself.'

I Saw A Seagull Hanging Out By A Lake, But I Said, "don't Worry, Dude. I Won't Say Anything."

Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don't Realize That.

Rice Is Great If You're Really Hungry And Want To Eat Two Thousand Of Something.

I've Got A Wallet, It's Orange. In Case I Wanna Buy A Deer. That Doesn't Make Any Sense At All.

I Can't Wait To Get Off The Stage, Because I've Got Some Lifesavers In My Pocket And Pineapple Is Next!

A Friend Gave Me A Drug For Attention Deficit Disorder, Because He's Afflicted, But I'm Not. So What Happened To Me Is I Suddenly Had An Extra-long Attention Span. People Would Tell Me A Story, And It Would End, And I'd Get All Mad. "come On, Man, There Has To Be More To That Story."

This One Commercial Said, "forget Everything You Know About Slipcovers." So I Did, And It Was A Load Off Of My Mind. Then The Commercial Tried To Sell Slipcovers, But I Didn't Know What They Were!

Forget Everything

No, I Was Just Good At Holding Ice Cream Cones.

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I Like Kinko's, Because They're Open 24 Hours. If It's 5 Am And I Decide I Need Two Of Something, I'm Covered! Sometimes I Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night In A Cold Sweat, And Then I Think, "oh, Yeah. Kinko's. No Problem. That Will Not Remain Singular."

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Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!

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At My Hotel Room, My Friend Came Over And Asked To Use The Phone. I Said Certainly. He Said Do I Need To Dial 9 I Say Yeah. Especially If It's In The Number. You Can Try Four And Five Back To Back Real Quick.

I Can't Eat Spaghetti. There's Too Many Of Them.

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I Had A Chicken Finger That Was So Big, It Was A Chicken Hand.

How Does A Sesame Seed Stick To A Bun? That's Magical. There Must Be Some Sesame Seed Glue Out There. Either That Or They're Adhesive On One Side. Peel Off The Backing, Place It On The Bun.

If You're A Fish And You Want To Be A Fish-stick, You Have To Have Very Good Posture.

I Make Myself A Bowl Of Instant Oatmeal, And Then I Don't Do Anything For An Hour. Why Do I Need The Instant Oatmeal? I Could Get The Regular Oatmeal And Feel Productive.

That's Always Disappointed Me, To See A Guy In The Crowd Who Doesn't Look Like He's Having Fun But In General If You Just Listen To The Crowd It Sounds Like They're Having Fun. So I Don't Want To Focus On The One Guy Who's Not Having Fun. And By Closing My Eyes And Just Listening, I Can't Hear That He's Not Laughing But I Can See That He's Not Laughing.

An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs.

I Think Foosball Is A Combination Of Soccer And Shish Kabobs.

I Like Wearing Necklaces, Because It Lets Me Know When I'm Upside Down.

A Burrito Is A Sleeping Bag For Ground Beef.

I Tried To Freshen Up A Room, So I Held A Certs In Front Of A Fan.

Hell, Yeah! Meeting Adjourned!

I'm Sick Of Soup Of The Day, Man. It's Time We Make A Decision. I Need To Know What Soup From Now On Is.

I Had To Take A Physical To Do This Show. They Had A Lot Of Weird Questions Like, "have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?"

The Customer’s Always Right.

Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.

I Like Those Blow-up Beds. "this Becomes A Full Size Bed In Three Minutes!" Well, A Mattress Kicks Your Ass. Zero Seconds. "yeah, But You Can Store This Thing." You Can Store A Bed, Too - In The Bedroom.

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

I Travel With A Boom Box. When I Get On A Plane, I Stuff The Power Cord For The Boom Box Into The Battery Compartment. From An Outsider's Point Of View, It Looks Like I've Got It All Wrong.

Last Time I Called Shotgun We Had Rented A Limo, So I Messed Up!

So, I Sit At The Hotel At Night And I Think Of Something That's Funny. Or, If The Pen Is Too Far Away, I Have To Convince Myself That What I Thought Of Wasn't Funny.

We Don't Have To Fix Anything.

I Had A Velcro Wallet In A Casino. That Sound Annoyed The Hell Out Of Me. Whenever I Lost Money, And I Opened The Wallet, It Was Like The Sound Of My Addiction.

I'm A Mumbler. If I'm Walking With A Friend, And I Say Something, He Says, "what?" So I Say It Again, And He Says, "what?" Really, It's Just Some Insignificant Stuff I'm Saying, But Now I'm Yelling, "that Tree Is Far Away!"

2-in-1 Is A Stupid Term, Because 1 Is Not Big Enough To Hold 2. That's Why 2 Was Created.

I Hate Flossing, I Wish I Just Had One Long Curvy Tooth. They Didn't Have To Make Separations For Me.

I Saw A Commercial For An Above-ground Pool, It Was 30 Seconds Long. Because That's The Maximum Amount Of Time You Can Picture Yourself Having Fun In An Above-ground Pool. If It Was 31 Seconds, The Actor Would Say "the Water Is Only Up To Here? What Do I Do Now? Throw The Ball Back To Jimmy? Or Put Some Goggles On And Look At His Feet?"

I Cannot Tell You What Hotel I'm Staying At, But There Are Two Trees Involved.

If A Drink Was Ice Cold, It Would Be Impossible To Drink. Because It Would Be Solid. Here's A Drink, Mitch - It's Ice Cold. I Guess I Could Lick It.

The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

Say, I Was On The Craig Kilbourne Show And The Next Day I Flew To Minneapolis. I Was At The Airport And A Guy Came Up. He Said, 'dude, I Saw You On Tv Last Night.' But He Did Not Say Whether Or Not He Thought I Was Good, He Just Confirmed That I Was On Television. So I Turned My Head Away From Him For About A Minute, Then I Turned It Back. I Said, 'dude, I Saw You At The Airport About A Minute Ago. And You Were Good.'

I Wanted To Get A Tape Recorder, But I Got A Parrot Instead. I Think I Did That Joke Backwards.

Xm Radio Doesn't Have Commercials, So After About Thirty Minutes Of Listening To It, I'm Like, "what Should I Buy?"

I Put Fruit On Top Of My Waffles, Because I Want Something To Brush Off.

Once I Saw A Duck Walking Down The Street So I Went Into Subway And Ordered Two Pieces Of Bread, And They Informed Me That They Could Not Do That, Like There Was Some Speical Rule At Subway That Two Pieces Of Bread Weren't Allowed To Touch. So The Woman Asked Me What I Wanted On The Sandwich And I Said I Do Not Care, It Is For A Duck, And She Was Like Oh Then It's Free. I Was Not Aware That Ducks Eat For Free At Subway. It's Like Give Me A Chicken Fajita Sub, But Don't Worry About Ringing It Up, It Is For A Duck.

Every Time I Walk By A Spy Shop, I Think That I Need To Put Some Surveillance On Somebody. Rick's Been Acting Fishy! I Need To Buy A Safe That Looks Like A Spray 'n Wash Can. "hey, Mitch, Can I Use The Spray 'n Wash?" "yeah, If You Want To Spray Your Shirt With Documents!"

I Wear A Necklace, Cause I Wanna Know When I'm Upside Down.

P.s. - This Is What Part Of The Alphabet Would Look Like If Q And R Were Eliminated.

You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

I Like The Public Hot-tub At The Hotels. I Like When A Guy Is Already In There, I Say, "hey, Do You Mind If I Join You?" Then I Go Turn The Heat Up, And I Add Some Carrots And Onions.

A Minibar Is A Machine That Makes Everything Expensive. When I Take Something Out Of The Minibar, I Always Fathom That I'll Go And Replace It Before They Check It Off, But They Make That Stuff Impossible To Replace. I Go To The Store And Ask, 'do You Have Coke In A Glass Harmonica ...do You Have Individually Wrapped Cashews'

I Ordered A Club Sandwich, But I'm Not Even A Member. "i Like My Sandwiches With Three Pieces Of Bread." "well, So Do I!" "then Let's Form A Club." "ok, But We Need Some More Stipulations. Instead Of Cutting The Sandwich Once, Let's Cut It Again. Yes, Four Triangles, Arranged In A Circle, And In The Middle We Will Dump Chips." "how Do You Feel About Frilly Toothpicks?" "i'm For 'em!" "well, This Club Is Formed."

I Have No Problem Not Listening To The Temptations.

I Have A Cheese-shredder At Home, Which Is Its Positive Name. They Don't Call It By Its Negative Name, Which Is Sponge-ruiner. Because I Wanted To Clean It, But Now I Have Little Bits Of Sponge That Would Melt Easily Over Tortilla Chips.

Mitch”, But Then Reattach It And Call It “mitch-all-together.

I Wrote A Script, And I Gave It To A Guy Who Reads Scripts, And He Read It, And He Liked It, But He Said He Thinks I Ought To Re-write It. I Said, "fuck That - I'll Just Make A Copy!"

I Bought A Seven-dollar Pen Because I Always Lose Pens And I Got Sick Of Not Caring.

Spaghetti... I Can't Eat Spaghetti, There's Too Many Of Them. No Matter How Hungry I Am, 1,000 Of Something Is Too Many. I'll Have 1,000 Pieces Of Noodles.

Well, That's A 'fresher'. I'm Going On Break.

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

A Sleeping Bag Is A Tortilla For A Human.

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

You Know When You Go Into A Restaurant, And It Gets Busy And They Start A Waiting List, And They Start Calling Out Names, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." They Say Again, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." But Then If No One Answers, They'll Just Go To The Next Name, "bush, Party Of Three." Yeah, But What Happened To The Dufresnes? No One Seems To Care. Who Can Eat At A Time Like This? People Are Missing! And They're Hungry! That's A Double Whammy! "bush, Search Party Of Three!" You Can Eat Once You Find The Dufresnes!

I Have An Underwater Camera Just In Case I Crash My Car Into A River, And At The Last Minute I See A Photo Opportunity Of A Fish That I Have Never Seen.

When You're Doing A Show On Stage, And They Show You A Red Light, That Means You Have 5 Minutes Left. At Some Clubs, They Hold A Candle Up In The Back. That's The Worst Method. You're Up Here, And Then You See A Floating Candle. "oh, No! This Place Is Haunted!" I Can't Be Funny When I'm Frightened.

Chicago Is Known As The Windy City, And Montana Is Called The Big Sky State, So I Think That We Should Somehow Combine The Two To Create The Ultimate Kite-flying Experience.

I Got An Ant Farm. Them Fellas Didn't Grow Anything. Hey, How About Some Celery? Plus, If I Tore Your Legs Off, You Would Look Like Snowmen.

Has Anyone Seen Me On Letterman? Two Million People Watch That Show And I Don't Know Where They Are. You Might Have Seen This Next Comedian On The Late Show, But I Think More People Have Seen Me At The Store. That Should Be My Introduction. "you Might Have Seen This Next Comedian At The Store," And People Would Say "hell Yes I Have!"

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

I Think Bigfoot Is Blurry, That's The Problem. It's Not The Photographer's Fault. Bigfoot Is Blurry, And That's Extra Scary To Me. There's A Large, Out-of-focus Monster Roaming The Countryside. Run, He's Fuzzy, Get Out Of Here.

I Hate Turkeys. If You Go To The Grocery Store, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. You See Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Somebody Just Needs To Tell The Turkeys, "man, Just Be Yourselves!" I Already Like You, Little Fella. I Used To Draw You. If You Had A Couple Of Fingers Missing, You Would Draw A Really Messed-up Turkey. That Turkey Was In An Accident!

I Got Some Tartar Control Toothpaste. I Still Have Tartar, But That Stuff's Under Control. I Got So Much Tartar, I Don't Have To Dip My Fish Sticks In Anything. That's Actually Kind Of Gross. After That Joke, I Have To Clarify That I'm Just Joking.

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

I Went To A Cigar Store, The Man Behind The Counter Asked Me, "what Kind Of Cigars Do You Like?" I Answered, "it's A Boys."

You Know When They Have A Fishing Show On Tv? They Catch The Fish And Then Let It Go. They Don't Want To Eat The Fish, They Just Want To Make It Late For Something.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8? That Joke Came Off The Top Of My Head, And The Top Of My Head Ain't Funny!

I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I Felt Some Strands Were More Important Than Others.

Yeah, I'm Not Into Sports. If Someone Told Me I Had Athlete's Foot, I'd Say That's Not My Foot!

I Played Golf... I Did Not Get A Hole In One, But I Did Hit A Guy. That's Way More Satisfying.

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'

I Spilled Some Vodka On The Carpet, And I Vacuumed It Up, And The Vacuum Got Drunk. I Had To Take The Hoover To Detox.

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.

I Remixed A Remix, It Was Back To Normal.

The Only Way I Could Get My Old Cd Into Stores Is If I Took One In And Leave It. "sir, You Forgot This." "no, I Did Not. That Is For Sale. Please Alphabetize It."

A Severed Foot Is The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer.

I Made $3,000 Opening For The Neville Brothers, And They Paid Me In Cash. That Was A Bad Situation, Because I Bought Ridiculous Stuff. I Bought A Snake Bite Emergency Kit. Then I Said To My Friends, "don't Even Worry About Snakes Anymore". My Friend Stepped On A Worm, And I Said, "lay Down!"

I Used To Be A Hot-tar Roofer. Yeah, I Remember That... Day.

My Friend Said To Me, You Know What I Like? Mashed Potatoes. I Was Like, Dude, You Have To Give Me Time To Guess. If You're Going To Quiz Me You Have To Insert A Pause.

Mitch's Pizzaria... This Week's Coupon: Unlimited Free Pizza. Special Note: Coupon Not Good At Any Of The Mitch's Pizza Locations. Free Pizza Oven With Purchase Of A Small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: Buy One Pizza, Get One Franchise Free.

I Went To The Airport, I Put My Bag In The X-ray Machine, I Found Out My Bag Has Cancer. It Only Has Six More Months To Hold Stuff.

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

A Lot Of Bands Have Intense Names, Like "rigor Mortis" Or "mortuary". We Weren't That Intense, We Called Ourselves "injured". Later On We Changed It To "acapella" When We Were Walking Out Of The Pawn Shop.

If 13 Is Unlucky, Then 12 And 14 Are Guilty By Association.

I Like Vending Machines, Because Snacks Are Better When They Fall. If I Buy A Candy Bar At The Store, Oftentimes I Will Drop It So That Is Achieves Its Maximum Flavor Potential.

I Walked By A Dry Cleaner At 3 Am, And There Was A Sign: "sorry, We're Closed" You Don't Have To Be Sorry, It's 3 Am, And You're A Dry Cleaner! It Would Be Ridiculous For Me To Expect You To Be Open! I'm Not Gonna Walk In At 10 Am And Say "i Walked By Here At 3 And You Were Closed - Somebody Owes Me An Apology!"

I Don't Have A Microwave Oven, But I Do Have A Clock That Occasionally Cooks Stuff.

I'm Against Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

I Would Not Want To Be A Mobile Home Repo Man. Those Would Be Hard To Sneak Away - "knock Knock - Hi, Would You Go Cut Your Grass And Look That Way For A Half An Hour?"

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

I Like When They Say A Movie Is Inspired By A True Story. That's Kind Of Silly. "hey, Mitch, Did You Hear That Story About That Lady Who Drove Her Car Into The Lake With Her Kids And They All Drowned?" "yeah, I Did, And You Know What - That Inspires Me To Write A Movie About A Gorilla!"

I Saw A Guy Juggling Chain Saws, It Was Cool, Unless Something Needed To Be Sawed Down, Then It's Annoying.

I Saw On Hbo They Were Advertising A Boxing Match "it's A Fight To The Finish". That's A Good Place To End.

I Wanna Hang A Map Of The World In My House. Then I'm Gonna Put Pins Into All The Locations That I've Traveled To. But First, I'm Gonna Have To Travel To The Top Two Corners Of The Map So It Won't Fall Down.

As A Comedian, You Have To Start The Show Strong And You Have To End The Show Strong. Those Are The Two Key Elements. You Can't Be Like Pancakes. You're All Happy At First, But Then By The End, You're Sick Of 'em.

As An Adult, I'm Not Supposed To Go Down Slides. So If I'm At The Top Of A Slide, I Have To Pretend That I Got There Accidentally. "how The Hell Did I Get Up Here? I Guess I Have To Slide Down. Whee!" That's What You Say When You're Having Fun. You Refer To Yourself And Some Other People.

I Never Joined The Army Because At Ease Was Never That Easy To Me. Seemed Rather Uptight Still. I Don't Relax By Parting My Legs Slightly And Putting My Hands Behind My Back. That Does Not Equal Ease. At Ease Was Not Being In The Military. I Am At Ease, Bro, Because I Am Not In The Military.

I’d Like To See A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. It’d Be So Damn Literal! You Are Using That Machine To It’s Exact Purpose!

I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

Is A Hippopotamus A Hippopotamus Or Just A Really Cool Opotamus?

My Lucky Number Is Four Billion. That Doesn't Come In Real Handy When You're Gambling. "come On, Four Billion! Darn! Seven. Not Even Close. I Need More Dice."

I Like Vending Machines, Because Snacks Are Better When They Fall.

I Can Whistle With My Fingers, Especially If I Have A Whistle.

My Girlfriend Works At Hooters. In The Kitchen.

If I Had A Dollar For Every Time I Said That, I'd Be Making Money In A Very Weird Way.

Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

I Have A Few Cavities. I Don't Like To Call Them Cavities, Though - I Like To Call Them 'places To Put Stuff'. 'do You Know Where I Can Store A Pea' 'yes, I Have Some Locations Available.'

I Have Some Speakers Up Here, Thank God, Because Last Night I Didn't Have Them And I Was Telling Jokes And I Had No Idea Which Joke I Was Telling. So I Told Jokes Twice. I Even Told That One Twice.

I Was Booked Into The Riviera Hotel In Las Vegas With Three Other Comedians. We All Were Using The Riviera In-house Shampoo, So We All Had Equal Shine And Bounce.

I Bought A Scratch Off Lottery Ticket, But Then I Accidentally Spilled Calamine Lotion On It, So It Did Not Need To Be Scratched. Shoot! I Will Not Know If I Have Won!

I Like Refried Beans. That's Why I Wanna Try Fried Beans, Because Maybe They're Just As Good And We're Just Wasting Time. You Don't Have To Fry Them Again After All.

I Hate Arrows. They Try To Tell Me Which Direction To Go. It's Like "i Ain't Going That Way, Line With Two Thirds Of A Triangle On The End!"

I Have A Roommate, And I Signed A Year Lease. I Screwed Up! That's Like I Wrote A Joke That Didn't Work, But Now I Have To Tell It For A Year.

I Heard A Guy Tell Me He Liked Cherries. I Waited To Hear If He Was Going To Say "tomatoes", Then I Realized He Like Cherries Just. That Joke Is Ridiculous.

I Went To The Home Depot, Which Was Unnecessary. I Need To Go To The Apartment Depot. Which Is Just A Big Warehouse With A Whole Lot Of People Standing Around Saying "we Don't Have To Fix Anything."

I Had A Job Interview At An Insurance Company Once, And The Lady Said 'where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?' I Said, 'celebrating The Fifth Year Anniversary Of You Asking Me This Question!'

I Hate Sandwiches At New York Delis. Too Much Meat On The Sandwich. It's Like A Cow With A Cracker On Either Side. "would You Like Anything Else With The Pastrami Sandwich?" "yeah, A Loaf Of Bread And Some Other People!"

Knock On Wood Is A Saying For Good Luck. I Think That Started When Someone Went To Someone's Door To See If Someone Was Home. "i Hope Joe's Home, Knock On Wood!"

I Like To Wear A "do Not Disturb" Sign Around My Neck So That Little Kids Can't Tell Me Knock-knock Jokes. "hey, How Ya Doin'? Knock-knock." "read The Sign, Punk!"

I Think We Should Only Get 3 Honks A Month On The Car Horn. Then, Someone Cuts You Off, You Press The Horn, And Nothing Happens. You're Like, "crap! I Wish I Hadn't Seen Ricky On The Sidewalk!"

I Tried To Throw A Yo-yo Away. It Was Impossible.

When I Was On Acid, I Would See Things Like Beams Of Light And I Would Hear Sounds That Sounded An Awful Lot Like Car Horns.

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

Comedy Clubs Have Brick Walls Behind The Performer. Bricks Make You Funny. When I'm In Front Of A Fireplace, I'm Hilarious.

I Went To A Record Store, They Said They Specialized In Hard-to-find Records. Nothing Was Alphabetized!

I Got In An Argument With A Girlfriend Inside Of A Tent. That's A Bad Place For An Argument, Because I Tried To Walk Out, And Had To Slam The Flap.

Some Comics Get Drunk Before A Show. I Don't. When I Get Drunk, I Don't Want To Stand In Front Of A Bunch Of People That I Don't Know. That Does Not Sound Comfortable. Why Have All These People Gathered? And Why Am I Elevated And Not Facing The Same Way As Everyone Else? And What Is This Electric Stick In My Hand? I Want A Chair Too!

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

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Ornette Coleman

Baron De Montesquieu

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