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Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

-Mitch Hedberg

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Imagine If You Were

Mitch Hedberg

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Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

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No, I Was Just Good At Holding Ice Cream Cones.

I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I Felt Some Strands Were More Important Than Others.

I Hate Turkeys. If You Go To The Grocery Store, You Start To Get Mad At Turkeys. You See Turkey Ham, Turkey Bologna, Turkey Pastrami. Somebody Just Needs To Tell The Turkeys, "man, Just Be Yourselves!" I Already Like You, Little Fella. I Used To Draw You. If You Had A Couple Of Fingers Missing, You Would Draw A Really Messed-up Turkey. That Turkey Was In An Accident!

When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

I Was At A Bar, And This Guy Bumped Into Me, And He Did Not Apologize, And He Said, "move!" I Thought That Was Rude, So I Said, "go To Hell!" Then I Started To Run. He Caught Up To Me. He Had A Mustache, A Goatee, A Pair Of Earrings, Sunglasses, A Ponytail And He Was Wearing A Hat. He Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of Nerve!" I Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of... Cranium Accessories!"

One Time A Guy Handed Me A Picture. He Said, 'here's A Picture Of Me When I Was Younger.' Every Picture Is Of You When You Were Younger. 'here's A Picture Of Me When I'm Older.' 'you Son Of Bit, How'd You Pull That Off Let Me See That Camera. What's It Look Like'

I Went To A Tent Store. "what Kind Of Tent Do You Need?" "circus."

This Product That Was On Tv Was Available For Four Easy Payments Of $19.95. I Would Like A Product That Was Available For Three Easy Payments And One Complicated Payment. We Can't Tell You Which Payment It Is, But One Of These Payments Is Going To Be Hard. The Mailman Will Get Shot, The Envelope Will Not Seal, The Stamp Will Be In The Wrong Denomination. The Final Payment Must Be Made In Wampum.

An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs. You Should Never See An Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order Sign, Just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

I Had A Bag Of Fritos, They Were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos Had Grill Marks On Them. They Remind Me Of Summer, When We Used To Fire Up The Barbeque And Throw Down Some Fritos. I Can Still See My Dad With The Apron On. Better Flip That Frito, Dad, You Know How I Like It.

If I'm Out To Dinner With A Group Of Friends, And Somebody Offers To Pay For The Check, I Immediately Reach For My Wallet. Inside Is A Note That Says, "say Thanks!"

When You Start Out In Comedy, Or Probably In A Lot Of Things, You Want It To Happen Fast. You Don't Want To See Yourself Having To Do This For Seven Years Before You Start To Get Some Feedback.

I Used To Drink Wine. This Girl Asked Me, "doesn't Wine Give You A Headache?" "yeah, Eventually, But The First And The Middle Part Are Amazing!"

Rice Is Great If You're Really Hungry And Want To Eat Two Thousand Of Something.

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

A Snake Bite Emergency Kit Is A Body Bag.

You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

I Used To Be A Hot-tar Roofer. Yeah, I Remember That... Day.

I Would Imagine That If You Could Understand Morse Code, A Tap Dancer Would Drive You Crazy.

I Like Kinko's, Because They're Open 24 Hours. If It's 5 Am And I Decide I Need Two Of Something, I'm Covered! Sometimes I Wake Up In The Middle Of The Night In A Cold Sweat, And Then I Think, "oh, Yeah. Kinko's. No Problem. That Will Not Remain Singular."

I Get The Reese's Candy Bar. You Look At That, There's An Apostrophe-s There. That Means The Candy Bar Is His. I Didn't Know That. Next Time You're Eating A Reese's Candy Bar, And A Guy Named Reese Comes By And Says, "gimme That", You Better Hand It Over.

P.s. - This Is What Part Of The Alphabet Would Look Like If Q And R Were Eliminated.

I Have An Oscillating Fan At My House. It Goes Back And Forth. It Looks Like The Fan Is Saying "no." So I Like To Ask It Questions That A Fan Would Say "no" To! Do You Keep My Hair In Place? Do You Keep My Documents In Order? Do You Have 3 Settings? Liar! My Fan Lied To Me. Now I Will Pull The Pin Up. Now You're Not Saying Anything!

You Know When You See An Advertisement For A Casino, And They Have A Picture Of A Guy Winning Money? That's False Advertising, Because That Happens The Least. That's Like If You're Advertising A Hamburger, They Could Show A Guy Choking. "this Is What Happened Once."

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

If You Find Yourself Lost In The Woods, Build A House. "well, I Was Lost, But Now I Live Here!"

Every Time I Walk By A Spy Shop, I Think That I Need To Put Some Surveillance On Somebody. Rick's Been Acting Fishy! I Need To Buy A Safe That Looks Like A Spray 'n Wash Can. "hey, Mitch, Can I Use The Spray 'n Wash?" "yeah, If You Want To Spray Your Shirt With Documents!"

The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

I Want To Get A Vending Machine, With Fun Sized Candy Bars, And The Glass In Front Is A Magnifying Glass. You'll Be Mad, But It Will Be Too Late.

I Was Walking Down The Street With My Friend And He Said 'i Hear Music,' As Though There's Any Other Way To Take It In. 'you're Not Special. That's How I Receive It Too... I Tried To Taste It, But It Did Not Work'.

I Hate Dreaming Because When You Want To Sleep, You Want To Sleep. Dreaming Is Work. Next Thing You Know, I Have To Build A Go-cart With My Ex-landlord.

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I'm Sick Of Soup Of The Day, Man. It's Time We Make A Decision. I Need To Know What Soup From Now On Is.

Then Let's Print Up Some Flyers!

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

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If You Had A Friend Who Was A Tightrope Walker, And You Were Walking Down A Sidewalk, And He Fell, That Would Be Completely Unacceptable.

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I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

Xm Radio Doesn't Have Commercials, So After About Thirty Minutes Of Listening To It, I'm Like, "what Should I Buy?"

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I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out.

Swiss Cheese Is A Rip-off It's The Only Cheese I Can Bite Into And Miss

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My Sister Wanted To Be An Actress, But She Never Made It. She Does Live In A Trailer. She Got Halfway. She's An Actress, She Just Never Gets Called To The Set.

I Have A Friend Who Is A Juggler. If I'm At His House, I Don't Like To Take Food From Him, If It's In Threes. He Has Three Apples Left, I Guess I Can't Have One. I Wouldn't Want To Screw Up His Practice Routine.

Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

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I Read That Mtv's Real World Got 40,000 Applications. That's Amazing, Such An Even Number. You Would Have Thought It Would Be 40,008.

I Saw A Guy Juggling Chain Saws, It Was Cool, Unless Something Needed To Be Sawed Down, Then It's Annoying.

I Find A Duck's Opinion Of Me Is Very Much Influenced By Whether Or Not I Have Bread.

I Know People Who Believe In Ghosts But Don’t Believe In Themselves. It’s Kind Of Sad. Okay You Don’t Think You’ll Ever Make It As A Musician, But Last Night You Saw A Translucent Caveman.

It's Hard To Fight When You're In A Gazebo.

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I Tried To Have A Cookie, And This Girl Said, "i'm Mailing Those Cookies To My Friend." So I Couldn't Have One. You Shouldn't Make Cookies Untouchable.

I Walked By A Dry Cleaner At 3 Am, And There Was A Sign: "sorry, We're Closed" You Don't Have To Be Sorry, It's 3 Am, And You're A Dry Cleaner! It Would Be Ridiculous For Me To Expect You To Be Open! I'm Not Gonna Walk In At 10 Am And Say "i Walked By Here At 3 And You Were Closed - Somebody Owes Me An Apology!"

I Hate Flossing, I Wish I Just Had One Long Curvy Tooth. They Didn't Have To Make Separations For Me.

I Had A Paper Route When I Was A Kid. I Was Supposed To Go To 2,000 Houses. Or Two Dumpsters.

I Wrote My Friend A Letter Using A Highlighting Pen. But He Could Not Read It, He Thought I Was Trying To Show Him Certain Parts Of A Piece Of Paper.

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Dogs Are Forever In The Push Up Postion.

An Escalator Can Never Break: It Can Only Become Stairs.

I Got An Ant Farm; Them Fellas Didn't Grow Sh*t.

My Lucky Number Is Four Billion. That Doesn't Come In Real Handy When You're Gambling. "come On, Four Billion! Darn! Seven. Not Even Close. I Need More Dice."

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I Have A "do Not Disturb" Sign On My Hotel Door. It's Time To Go To "don't Disturb". It's Been "do Not" For Too Long. We Should Embrace The Contraction.

I've Never Stayed At A Bed And Breakfast. If I Did, I Figure You Would Start To Get Hungry! "is That All You Got Around Here? Well, Maybe You Can Direct Me To A Chair Lunch Dinner."

Because Of Acid, I Now Know That Butter Is Way Better Than Margarine.

I Think Bigfoot Is Blurry, That's The Problem. It's Not The Photographer's Fault. Bigfoot Is Blurry, And That's Extra Scary To Me. There's A Large, Out-of-focus Monster Roaming The Countryside. Run, He's Fuzzy, Get Out Of Here.

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

I Recently Took Up Ice Sculpting. Last Night I Made An Ice Cube. This Morning I Made 12, I Was Prolific.

I Bought A House, It's A Two Bedroom House, But I Think It's Up To Me To Decide How Many Bedrooms There Are. This Bedroom Has An Oven In It. This Bedroom Has A Lot Of People Sitting Around Watching Tv. This Bedroom Is Over In That Other Guy's House.

I Like Those Blow-up Beds. "this Becomes A Full Size Bed In Three Minutes!" Well, A Mattress Kicks Your Ass. Zero Seconds. "yeah, But You Can Store This Thing." You Can Store A Bed, Too - In The Bedroom.

I Got A Smoke Alarm At Home, But Really It's More Like A 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

If I Was A Locksmith, I'd Be Pimping That Out Man. I'll Trade You A Free Key Duplication For. That Joke Made Me Laugh Before I Could Finish It, Which Is Good, Because It Had No Ending.

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A Lot Of Bands Have Intense Names, Like "rigor Mortis" Or "mortuary". We Weren't That Intense, We Called Ourselves "injured". Later On We Changed It To "acapella" When We Were Walking Out Of The Pawn Shop.

I Want To Get A Job Naming Kitchen Appliances. That Seems Easy; Refrigerator, Toaster, Blender. You Just Say What The Thing Does And Add "er".

I Think Animal Crackers Make People Think That All Animals Taste The Same.

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I Would Not Want To Be A Mobile Home Repo Man. Those Would Be Hard To Sneak Away - "knock Knock - Hi, Would You Go Cut Your Grass And Look That Way For A Half An Hour?"

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A Dog Came To My Door, So I Gave Him A Bone, The Dog Took The Bone Into The Back Yard And Buried It. I'm Going To Go Plant A Tree There, With Bones On It, Then The Dog Will Come Back And Say, "shoot! It Worked! I Must Distribute These Bones Equally For I Have A Green Paw!"

I Make Myself A Bowl Of Instant Oatmeal, And Then I Don't Do Anything For An Hour. Why Do I Need The Instant Oatmeal? I Could Get The Regular Oatmeal And Feel Productive.

Well, That's A 'fresher'. I'm Going On Break.

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'

I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same. So If Somebody Asks Me What Time It Is, I Have To Tell Them Something That Is Going On. "what Time Is It, Mitch?" "uh, That Guy Is Eating A Hamburger." "shi*, I Had To Be Somewhere..."

You Know When They Have A Fishing Show On Tv? They Catch The Fish And Then Let It Go. They Don't Want To Eat The Fish, They Just Want To Make It Late For Something.

I Got Some Tartar-control Toothpaste A While Back. I've Still Got Tartar, But It's Under Control.

I Don't Like Grouper Fish. Well, They're Okay. They Hang Around Star Fish. Because They're Grouper Fish.

I Made $3,000 Opening For The Neville Brothers, And They Paid Me In Cash. That Was A Bad Situation, Because I Bought Ridiculous Stuff. I Bought A Snake Bite Emergency Kit. Then I Said To My Friends, "don't Even Worry About Snakes Anymore". My Friend Stepped On A Worm, And I Said, "lay Down!"

Imagine If You Were A Drummer, And You Accidentally Picked Up Two Magic Wands Instead Of Sticks. There You Are, Keeping The Beat, The Next Thing You Know, Your Bass Player Turns Into A Can Of Soup.

If You Are Flammable And Have Legs, You Are Not Blocking A Fire Exit.

Why Are There No "during" Pictures?

I Type A 101 Words A Minute. But It's In My Own Language.

My Roommate Says, "i'm Going To Take A Shower And Shave. Does Anyone Need To Use The Bathroom?" It's Like Some Weird Quiz Where He Reveals The Answer First.

I Can't Wait To Get Off The Stage, Because I've Got Some Lifesavers In My Pocket And Pineapple Is Next!

I Like The Public Hot-tub At The Hotels. I Like When A Guy Is Already In There, I Say, "hey, Do You Mind If I Join You?" Then I Go Turn The Heat Up, And I Add Some Carrots And Onions.

I Want To Be A Race Car Passenger: Just A Guy Who Bugs The Driver. Say Man, Can I Turn On The Radio? You Should Slow Down. Why Do We Gotta Keep Going In Circles? Can I Put My Feet Out The Window? Man, You Really Like Tide.

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

I Would Like It If Four People Did A Cartwheel All At Once... So I Can Make A Cart.

If You Have To Release Bad News To The Public, It Would Help If You Are Not Ugly.

Has Anyone Seen Me On Letterman? Two Million People Watch That Show And I Don't Know Where They Are. You Might Have Seen This Next Comedian On The Late Show, But I Think More People Have Seen Me At The Store. That Should Be My Introduction. "you Might Have Seen This Next Comedian At The Store," And People Would Say "hell Yes I Have!"

I Used To Do Drugs. I Still Do Drugs. But I Used To, Too.

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

I Tried To Freshen Up A Room, So I Held A Certs In Front Of A Fan.

Stand-up Is An Art But Since It's Humor And It's Funny - A Lot Of Guys That Don't Think It's Art Are Probably Coming From The Angle That They Don't Want To Take It So Seriously. I've Always Looked At It As An Art But I Don't Look At It As A Pretentious Art. I Understand It Has To Be Taken Lightly Because It Is Just Comedy In The End, But The Good Stand-up Comics Are Someone With Something To Say.

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.

I Have A Few Cavities. I Don't Like To Call Them Cavities, Though - I Like To Call Them 'places To Put Stuff'. 'do You Know Where I Can Store A Pea' 'yes, I Have Some Locations Available.'

I Went To The Park And Saw This Kid Flying A Kite. The Kid Was Really Excited. I Don't Know Why, That's What They're Supposed To Do. Now If He Had Had A Chair On The Other End Of That String, I Would Have Been Impressed.

I Like Cottage Cheese. That's Why I Want To Try Other Dwelling Cheeses, Too. How About Studio Apartment Cheese? Tent Cheese? Mobile Home Cheese? Do Not Eat Mobile Home Cheese In A Tornado.

I Went To The Home Depot, Which Was Unnecessary. I Need To Go To The Apartment Depot. Which Is Just A Big Warehouse With A Whole Lot Of People Standing Around Saying "we Don't Have To Fix Anything."

I Went To A Pizzeria. The Guy Gave Me The Smallest Slice Possible. If The Pizza Was A Pie Chart With What Would You Do If You Found A Million Dollars, He Gave Me The "donate It To Charity" Slice. "i'd Like To Exchange This For The 'keep It!'"

My Manager Said, "don't Use Liquor As A Crutch!" I Can't Use Liquor As A Crutch, Because A Crutch Helps Me Walk.

I Am Wearing A Vest. If I Had No Arms, It Would Be A Jacket.

It's Hard To Dance If You Just Lost Your Wallet. Whoa Where's My Wallet But, Hey This Song Is Funky.

Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don't Realize That.

A Fly Was Very Close To Being Called A Land, Because That's What It Does Half The Time.

When We Were On Acid, We Would Go Into The Woods, Because There Was Less Chance That You Would Run Into An Authority Figure. But We Ran Into A Bear. My Friend Duane Was There, Raising His Right Hand, Swearing To Help Prevent Forest Fires. He Told Me, "mitchell, Smokey Is Way More Intense In Person!"

Foosball Screwed Up My Perception Of Soccer. I Though You Had To Kick The Ball And Then Spin Around And Around. I Can't Do A Back Flip, Much Less Several Simultaneously With Two Other Guys.

I'm An Ice Sculptor. Last Night I Made A Cube.

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same.

Knock On Wood Is A Saying For Good Luck. I Think That Started When Someone Went To Someone's Door To See If Someone Was Home. "i Hope Joe's Home, Knock On Wood!"

I Cannot Tell You What Hotel I'm Staying At, But There Are Two Trees Involved.

I Wear A Necklace, Cause I Wanna Know When I'm Upside Down.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

They Say The Recipe For Sprite Is Lemon And Lime. I Tried To Make It At Home. There's More To It Than That.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

I Play The Guitar. I Taught Myself How To Play The Guitar, Which Was A Bad Decision... Because I Didn't Know How To Play It, So I Was A Shitty Teacher. I Would Never Have Went To Me.

I Like It When You Reach Into A Vending Machine To Grab Your Candy Bar, And That Flap Goes Up To Block You From Reaching Up? That's A Good Invention. Before That, It Was Hard Times For The Vending Machine Owners. "yeah, What Candy Bar Are You Getting?" "that One, And Every One On The Bottom Row!"

I Hate Sandwiches At New York Delis. Too Much Meat On The Sandwich. It's Like A Cow With A Cracker On Either Side. "would You Like Anything Else With The Pastrami Sandwich?" "yeah, A Loaf Of Bread And Some Other People!"

I Think Foosball Is A Combination Of Soccer And Shish Kabobs.

I Use The Word Totally Too Much. I Need To Change It Up And Use A Word That Is Different But Has The Same Meaning. Mitch Do You Like Submarine Sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

When It Comes To Racism, You Hear People Say, "i Don't Care If People Are White, Black, Purple Or Green." Hold On, Now, Purple Or Green? Come On Now, You Gotta Draw The Line Somewhere.

You Know Crazy Straws - They Go All Over The Place? These Straws Are Sane. They Never Lost Their Mind. They Say, "we're Going Straight To The Mouth. That Guy Who Takes A While To Get There? He's Crazy."

At My Hotel Room, My Friend Came Over And Asked To Use The Phone. I Said Certainly. He Said Do I Need To Dial 9 I Say Yeah. Especially If It's In The Number. You Can Try Four And Five Back To Back Real Quick.

Sometimes I Get Really Lonely. Especially When I'm Throwing A Frisbee.

They Could Take Sesame Seeds Off The Market And I Wouldn't Even Care. I Can't Imagine 5 Years From Now Saying, "remember Sesame Seeds? What Happened? All The Buns Are Blank!"

A Friend Gave Me A Drug For Attention Deficit Disorder, Because He's Afflicted, But I'm Not. So What Happened To Me Is I Suddenly Had An Extra-long Attention Span. People Would Tell Me A Story, And It Would End, And I'd Get All Mad. "come On, Man, There Has To Be More To That Story."

Hell, Yeah! Meeting Adjourned!

If My Kid Couldn't Draw I'd Make Sure That My Kitchen Magnets Didn't Work.

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

How Does A Sesame Seed Stick To A Bun? That's Magical. There Must Be Some Sesame Seed Glue Out There. Either That Or They're Adhesive On One Side. Peel Off The Backing, Place It On The Bun.

If You're A Fish And You Want To Be A Fish-stick, You Have To Have Very Good Posture.

What Am I Drinking? Nyquil On The Rocks, For When You're Feeling Sick But Sociable.

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

I Don't Know How To Fix A Car. If The Car Breaks Down, And The Gas Tank Does Not Say "e", I'm Screwed. But If The Gas Tank Says "e", I Get All Cocky - "i've Got This One, Don't Worry." So I Get Out The Toolbox Aka Wallet.

I Tried To Throw A Yo-yo Away. It Was Impossible.

Y'know, You Can't Please All The People All The Time... And Last Night, All Those People Were At My Show.

One Time I Stayed At A Haunted Motel. When I Checked Into My Room, There Was A Sheet On The Floor, And I Thought It Was A Ghost That Had Passed Out, So I Kicked It.

The Customer’s Always Right.

I'm Into Carpooling, Because Sometimes My Car Gets Hot And Needs To Refresh Itself.

I Don't Have Any Children, But If I Had A Baby, I Would Have To Name It, So I Would Get A Baby-naming Book. Or I Would Invite Somebody Over Who Had A Cast On.

I Got Binoculars 'cause I Don't Want To Go That Close.

Mitch's Pizzaria... This Week's Coupon: Unlimited Free Pizza. Special Note: Coupon Not Good At Any Of The Mitch's Pizza Locations. Free Pizza Oven With Purchase Of A Small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: Buy One Pizza, Get One Franchise Free.

That's Always Disappointed Me, To See A Guy In The Crowd Who Doesn't Look Like He's Having Fun But In General If You Just Listen To The Crowd It Sounds Like They're Having Fun. So I Don't Want To Focus On The One Guy Who's Not Having Fun. And By Closing My Eyes And Just Listening, I Can't Hear That He's Not Laughing But I Can See That He's Not Laughing.

We Don't Have To Fix Anything.

I Have No Problem Not Listening To The Temptations.

Tony The Tiger Usually Thinks That Stuff Is Great.

People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

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