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I Don't Want To Have My Face On The Cover Of A Wheaties Box. I Wanna Have My Face On The Cover Of A Rice Krispies Box. "snap, Krackle, Mitch And Pop"!

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Don't Want To

Mitch Hedberg

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I Don't Want To Have My Face On The Cover Of A Wheaties Box. I Wanna Have My Face On The Cover Of A Rice Krispies Box. "snap, Krackle, Mitch And Pop"!

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People Associate Long Hair With Drug Use. I Wish People Associated Long Hair With Something Other Than Drug Use, Like An Extreme Longing For Cake. And Then Strangers Would See A Long Haired Guy And Say, "that Guy Eats Cake!" "he Is On Bundt Cake!" Mothers Saying To Their Daughters, "don't Bring The Cake Eater Over Here Anymore. He Smells Like Flour. Did You See How Excited He Got When He Found Out Your Birthday Was Fast Approaching?"

I Went To The Store And Bought Eight Apples; The Clerk Said, "do You Want These In A Bag?" I Said, "oh, No, Man, I Juggle."

I Guess The One-liner Kind Of Comic Sounds Like A Guy Who Can Talk And Talk And Whatever The Subject Is, He Can Pull Out A One-liner, But I Couldn't Do That. I Didn't Like The Association. I Mean, I Love Steven Wright, But So Many People Started Saying "steven Wright" To Me, And I Would Get Mad, Because I Never Wanted To Be Thought Of As Copying Anybody.

I Met This Girl, She Was An Actress, And She Gave Me Her Number. It Started With 555.

Alcoholism Is The Only Disease That You Can Get Yelled At For Having.

It's Hard To Dance If You Just Lost Your Wallet. Whoa Where's My Wallet But, Hey This Song Is Funky.

Come On 'long Prosperous Life!'

I Want To Get Non-aerosol Mace, You Just Rub It In. "dude Who Is Attacking Me - Come A Little Closer!"

I Get The Reese's Candy Bar. You Look At That, There's An Apostrophe-s There. That Means The Candy Bar Is His. I Didn't Know That. Next Time You're Eating A Reese's Candy Bar, And A Guy Named Reese Comes By And Says, "gimme That", You Better Hand It Over.

I Hate Flossing, I Wish I Just Had One Long Curvy Tooth. They Didn't Have To Make Separations For Me.

This Product That Was On Tv Was Available For Four Easy Payments Of $19.95. I Would Like A Product That Was Available For Three Easy Payments And One Complicated Payment. We Can't Tell You Which Payment It Is, But One Of These Payments Is Going To Be Hard. The Mailman Will Get Shot, The Envelope Will Not Seal, The Stamp Will Be In The Wrong Denomination. The Final Payment Must Be Made In Wampum.

I Like To Smoke A Pipe, Because It's The Punch Line Indicator. Whenever I Take A Hit Of The Pipe, You Should Be Laughing.

A Burrito Is A Sleeping Bag For Ground Beef.

Advil Has A Candy Coating. It's Delicious. Then It Says On The Bottle, Do Not Have More Than Two. Then Why Do They Have A Candy Coating? I Cannot Help Myself. Let Me Have Ten Advil, I Have A Sweet Tooth.

Tony The Tiger Usually Thinks That Stuff Is Great.

I'm A Hard Act To Follow, Because When I'm Done, I Take The Microphone With Me.

Onions Make Me Sad. A Lot Of People Don't Realize That.

I Like When They Say A Movie Is Inspired By A True Story. That's Kind Of Silly. "hey, Mitch, Did You Hear That Story About That Lady Who Drove Her Car Into The Lake With Her Kids And They All Drowned?" "yeah, I Did, And You Know What - That Inspires Me To Write A Movie About A Gorilla!"

Alcoholism Is A Disease, But It's The Only One You Can Get Yelled At For Having. Goddamn It Otto, You Are An Alcoholic. Goddamn It Otto, You Have Lupus... One Of Those Two Doesn't Sound Right.

I Know A Lot About Cars, Man. I Can Look At Any Car's Headlights And Tell You Exactly Which Way It's Coming.

Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled By A Really Weak Guy, All Day. Wearing A Backpack And A Turtleneck Is Like A Weak Midget Trying To Bring You Down.

They Say The Recipe For Sprite Is Lemon And Lime. I Tried To Make It At Home. There's More To It Than That.

There Was A Product On Late Night Tv That You Could Attach To Your Garden Hose - "you Can Water Your Hard-to-reach Plants With This." Who Would Make Their Plants Hard To Reach? That Seems So Very Mean. I Know You Need Water, But I'm Going To Make You Hard To Reach. "think Like A Cactus!"

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

Xm Radio Doesn't Have Commercials, So After About Thirty Minutes Of Listening To It, I'm Like, "what Should I Buy?"

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. I Just Know A Girl Who Would Get Really Mad If She Heard Me Say That.

Spaghetti... I Can't Eat Spaghetti, There's Too Many Of Them. No Matter How Hungry I Am, 1,000 Of Something Is Too Many. I'll Have 1,000 Pieces Of Noodles.

Say, I Was On The Craig Kilbourne Show And The Next Day I Flew To Minneapolis. I Was At The Airport And A Guy Came Up. He Said, 'dude, I Saw You On Tv Last Night.' But He Did Not Say Whether Or Not He Thought I Was Good, He Just Confirmed That I Was On Television. So I Turned My Head Away From Him For About A Minute, Then I Turned It Back. I Said, 'dude, I Saw You At The Airport About A Minute Ago. And You Were Good.'

I Have A Friend Who Is A Juggler. If I'm At His House, I Don't Like To Take Food From Him, If It's In Threes. He Has Three Apples Left, I Guess I Can't Have One. I Wouldn't Want To Screw Up His Practice Routine.

I Put Fruit On Top Of My Waffles, Because I Want Something To Brush Off.

I Didn't Go To College, But If I Did, I Would've Taken All My Tests At A Restaurant, 'cause 'the Customer Is Always Right'.

All These Jokes Have Been Pre-approved As Funny By Me.

My Sister Wendy Has A Husband And Two Children, And They Have A Family Photo On Top Of The Vcr, Where They're All Looking Slightly To The Left. As Though Something Is Going On Over There! I Guess Something Happened Over To The Left That Made Everybody Happy! Except My Sister Is Cross-eyed, So She Can't Quite Pull It Off. One Eye Is Right-on.

I Have A Cheese-shredder At Home, Which Is Its Positive Name. They Don't Call It By Its Negative Name, Which Is Sponge-ruiner. Because I Wanted To Clean It, But Now I Have Little Bits Of Sponge That Would Melt Easily Over Tortilla Chips.

Why Are There No "during" Pictures?

I Want To Rob A Bank With A Bb Gun. "give Me All Your Money Or I Will Give You A Dimple! I Will Be Rich, You Will Be Cute. We Both Win."

I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I Felt Some Strands Were More Important Than Others.

I Wrote A Letter To My Dad - I Wrote, "i Really Enjoy Being Here," But I Accidentally Wrote Rarely Instead Of Really. But I Still Wanted To Use It, So I Wrote, "i Rarely Drive Steamboats, Dad - There's A Lot Of Stuff You Don't Know About Me. Quit Trying To Act Like I'm A Steamboat Operator." This Letter Took A Harsh Turn Right Away.

I Can Whistle With My Fingers, Especially If I Have A Whistle.

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

I Type A 101 Words A Minute. But It's In My Own Language.

I’d Like To See A Forklift Lift A Crate Of Forks. It’d Be So Damn Literal! You Are Using That Machine To It’s Exact Purpose!

I Had A Velcro Wallet In A Casino. That Sound Annoyed The Hell Out Of Me. Whenever I Lost Money, And I Opened The Wallet, It Was Like The Sound Of My Addiction.

I Have An Underwater Camera Just In Case I Crash My Car Into A River, And At The Last Minute I See A Photo Opportunity Of A Fish That I Have Never Seen.

I Like Vending Machines, Because Snacks Are Better When They Fall. If I Buy A Candy Bar At The Store, Oftentimes I Will Drop It So That Is Achieves Its Maximum Flavor Potential.

When I Was On Acid, I Would See Things Like Beams Of Light And I Would Hear Sounds That Sounded An Awful Lot Like Car Horns.

I Had To Take A Physical To Do This Show. They Had A Lot Of Weird Questions Like, "have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?"

We're Gonna Have To Sweeten Some Of These Jokes For The Cd. You Know What Sweeten Means, Right? Sweeten Is A Show-biz Term For "add Sugar To".

You Know When They Have A Fishing Show On Tv? They Catch The Fish And Then Let It Go. They Don't Want To Eat The Fish, They Just Want To Make It Late For Something.

Y'know, You Can't Please All The People All The Time... And Last Night, All Those People Were At My Show.

I'd Hate To Be A Giraffe With A Sore Throat.

I Can't Wait To Get Off The Stage, Because I've Got Some Lifesavers In My Pocket And Pineapple Is Next!

I Like Wearing Necklaces, Because It Lets Me Know When I'm Upside Down.

If Carrots Got You Drunk, Rabbits Would Be Messed-up.

I'm Sick Of Following My Dreams. I'm Just Going To Ask Them Where They're Goin', And Hook Up With Them Later.

People Teach Their Dogs To Sit; It's A Trick. I've Been Sitting My Whole Life, And A Dog Has Never Looked At Me As Though He Thought I Was Tricky.

My Fake Plants Died Because I Did Not Pretend To Water Them.

Bologna Is A Deli Meat For People With Eyes.

As A Comedian, You Have To Start The Show Strong And You Have To End The Show Strong. Those Are The Two Key Elements. You Can't Be Like Pancakes. You're All Happy At First, But Then By The End, You're Sick Of 'em.

I Saw A Human Pyramid Once. It Was Very Unnecessary. It Did Not Need To Exist.

When You Start Out In Comedy, Or Probably In A Lot Of Things, You Want It To Happen Fast. You Don't Want To See Yourself Having To Do This For Seven Years Before You Start To Get Some Feedback.

I Had A Job Interview At An Insurance Company Once, And The Lady Said 'where Do You See Yourself In Five Years?' I Said, 'celebrating The Fifth Year Anniversary Of You Asking Me This Question!'

I Have An Oscillating Fan At My House. It Goes Back And Forth. It Looks Like The Fan Is Saying "no." So I Like To Ask It Questions That A Fan Would Say "no" To! Do You Keep My Hair In Place? Do You Keep My Documents In Order? Do You Have 3 Settings? Liar! My Fan Lied To Me. Now I Will Pull The Pin Up. Now You're Not Saying Anything!

People Who Smoke Cigarettes, They Say "you Don't Know How Hard It Is To Quit Smoking." Yes I Do. It's As Hard As It Is To Start Flossing.

I've Never Been To A Hotel With A Rotating Restaurant On Top, But One Time I Took My Girlfriend To A Merry-go-round, And I Gave Her A Burrito.

I Was Booked Into The Riviera Hotel In Las Vegas With Three Other Comedians. We All Were Using The Riviera In-house Shampoo, So We All Had Equal Shine And Bounce.

As An Adult, I'm Not Supposed To Go Down Slides. So If I'm At The Top Of A Slide, I Have To Pretend That I Got There Accidentally. "how The Hell Did I Get Up Here? I Guess I Have To Slide Down. Whee!" That's What You Say When You're Having Fun. You Refer To Yourself And Some Other People.

You Know When You See An Advertisement For A Casino, And They Have A Picture Of A Guy Winning Money? That's False Advertising, Because That Happens The Least. That's Like If You're Advertising A Hamburger, They Could Show A Guy Choking. "this Is What Happened Once."

Magicians Disappear All The Time, But As Soon As A Regular Person Does It, Everyone Is All Scared. "tom's Gone!" "is He A Magician?" "no." "then Let's Print Up Some Flyers!"

Every Picture Of You Is When You Were Younger.

I Think Foosball Is A Combination Of Soccer And Shish Kabobs.

This One Commercial Said, "forget Everything You Know About Slipcovers." So I Did, And It Was A Load Off Of My Mind. Then The Commercial Tried To Sell Slipcovers, But I Didn't Know What They Were!

Forget Everything

Do You Think I Am Standing Here, Making This Up As I Go? I Am Sorry To Disillusion You. I Am Not Robin Williams. I Am The King Of The Pen.

My Roommate Says, "i'm Going To Take A Shower And Shave. Does Anyone Need To Use The Bathroom?" It's Like Some Weird Quiz Where He Reveals The Answer First.

I Thought I'd Go To A Craft Fair, And There Would Be A Jar Of Jellybeans There - "guess How Many Jellybeans Are In This Jar, And Win A Prize". Aw, Come On, Man, Let Just Me Have Some. I'll Tell You What, Guess How Many Jellybeans I Want! If You Guessed A Handful, You Are Right.

Every Time I Walk By A Spy Shop, I Think That I Need To Put Some Surveillance On Somebody. Rick's Been Acting Fishy! I Need To Buy A Safe That Looks Like A Spray 'n Wash Can. "hey, Mitch, Can I Use The Spray 'n Wash?" "yeah, If You Want To Spray Your Shirt With Documents!"

I've Never Stayed At A Bed And Breakfast. If I Did, I Figure You Would Start To Get Hungry! "is That All You Got Around Here? Well, Maybe You Can Direct Me To A Chair Lunch Dinner."

When You Go To A Bar That Has A Black Light, Everybody Looks Cool. Except For Me, Because I Was Under The Impression That The Mustard Stain Came Out.

I Like Kit-kat, Unless I'm With Four Or More People.

Onions Make Me Sad, A Lot Of People Don't Realize That. When I'm Cutting Onions, I'm Sad. Because The Plight Of Onions, It's Sad. But People Don't Realize I'm Actually Crying - They Think I'm Just Reacting.

I Don't Get The Regular Aids Test Anymore. I Get The Roundabout Aids Test. I Ask My Friend Brian, "do You Know Anybody Who Has Aids?". He Says, "no". I Say, "cool, Because You Know Me."

I Had A Paper Route When I Was A Kid. I Was Supposed To Go To 2,000 Houses. Or Two Dumpsters.

I Have No Problem Not Listening To The Temptations.

Every Book Is A Children's Book If The Kid Can Read!

I Got Binoculars 'cause I Don't Want To Go That Close.

I Don't Like Grouper Fish. Well, They're Okay. They Hang Around Star Fish. Because They're Grouper Fish.

I Did A Radio Interview; The Dj's First Question Was "who Are You?" I Had To Think. Is This Guy Really Deep, Or Did I Drive To The Wrong Station?

I Like To Wear A "do Not Disturb" Sign Around My Neck So That Little Kids Can't Tell Me Knock-knock Jokes. "hey, How Ya Doin'? Knock-knock." "read The Sign, Punk!"

I Saw On Hbo They Were Advertising A Boxing Match "it's A Fight To The Finish". That's A Good Place To End.

I Haven't Slept For Ten Days, Because That Would Be Too Long.

I Saw A Seagull Hanging Out By A Lake, But I Said, "don't Worry, Dude. I Won't Say Anything."

I Cannot Tell You What Hotel I'm Staying At, But There Are Two Trees Involved.

I Hate Arrows. They Try To Tell Me Which Direction To Go. It's Like "i Ain't Going That Way, Line With Two Thirds Of A Triangle On The End!"

I Am Wearing A Vest. If I Had No Arms, It Would Be A Jacket.

If You Drink O'douls, You Don't Drink; But If You Drink 20 O'douls In A Half Hour, Then You're A Non-alcoholic.

A Fly Was Very Close To Being Called A Land, Because That's What It Does Half The Time.

I Got A Smoke Alarm At Home, But Really It's More Like A 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I Think Pickles Are Cucumbers That Sold Out. They Sold Their Soul To The Devil, And The Devil Is Dill.

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"

On A Traffic Light Green Means 'go' And Yellow Means 'yield', But On A Banana It's Just The Opposite. Green Means 'hold On,' Yellow Means 'go Ahead,' And Red Means, 'where The Hell Did You Get That Banana At?'

You Know When You Go Into A Restaurant, And It Gets Busy And They Start A Waiting List, And They Start Calling Out Names, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." They Say Again, "dufresnes, Party Of Two." But Then If No One Answers, They'll Just Go To The Next Name, "bush, Party Of Three." Yeah, But What Happened To The Dufresnes? No One Seems To Care. Who Can Eat At A Time Like This? People Are Missing! And They're Hungry! That's A Double Whammy! "bush, Search Party Of Three!" You Can Eat Once You Find The Dufresnes!

Yeah, I'm Not Into Sports. If Someone Told Me I Had Athlete's Foot, I'd Say That's Not My Foot!

I Would Not Want To Be A Mobile Home Repo Man. Those Would Be Hard To Sneak Away - "knock Knock - Hi, Would You Go Cut Your Grass And Look That Way For A Half An Hour?"

Sometimes I Wake Up And I Think I Should Start Wearing A Beret, But I Don't Do It. One Day I'm Gonna, Though. You Bet Your Ass, I Will Have A Beret On. That's Ridiculous, But It's True. I Always Fight With Wearing A Beret.

The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

I Called The Hotel Operator And She Said, "how Can I Direct Your Call?" I Said, "well, You Could Say 'action!', And I'll Begin To Dial. And When I Say 'goodbye', Then You Can Yell 'cut!'"

My Manager Said, "don't Use Liquor As A Crutch!" I Can't Use Liquor As A Crutch, Because A Crutch Helps Me Walk.

My Girlfriend Works At Hooters. In The Kitchen.

I Love Blackjack. But I'm Not Addicted To Gambling. I'm Addicted To Sitting In A Semi Circle.

I Have A Sharpie. I Love Sharpies. You Know What They Say On Them? Not For Letter Writing. That Sucks. Now I Have To Communicate With My Dad Using Numbers.

I Use The Word Totally Too Much. I Need To Change It Up And Use A Word That Is Different But Has The Same Meaning. Mitch Do You Like Submarine Sandwiches? All-encompassingly.

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

I Had My Palm Read. I Wrote Something On It First To See If She Would Read That Too.

I Got An Ant Farm; Them Fellas Didn't Grow Sh*t.

I Want To Ride In A Cold Air Balloon. "this Isn't Going Anywhere!"

I'd Like To Get Four People Who Do Cart Wheels Very Good, And Make A Cart.

The Next Time I Move I Hope I Get A Real Easy Phone Number, Something Like 2222222. People Will Ask, "mitch, How Do I Get A Hold Of You?" I'll Say, "just Press Two For A While, When I Answer, You'll Know That You've Pressed Two Enough."

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same.

If You're Watching A Parade, Don't Follow It. It Never Changes. If The Parade Is Boring, Run In The Opposite Direction. You Will Fast-forward The Parade.

Every Mcdonald's Commercial Ends The Same Way: Prices And Participation May Vary. I Wanna Open A Mcdonald's And Not Participate In Anything. I Wanna Be A Stubborn Mcdonald's Owner. "cheeseburgers?" "nope! We Got Spaghetti, And Blankets."

Swiss Cheese Is The Only Cheese You Can Draw And People Can Identify. You Can Draw American Cheese, But Someone Will Think It's Cheddar. It's The Only Cheese You Can Bite And Miss. "hey Mitch - Does That Sandwich Have Cheese On It?" "every Now And Then!"

One Time A Guy Handed Me A Picture. He Said, 'here's A Picture Of Me When I Was Younger.' Every Picture Is Of You When You Were Younger. 'here's A Picture Of Me When I'm Older.' 'you Son Of Bit, How'd You Pull That Off Let Me See That Camera. What's It Look Like'

I Got A Hotel Room At New York New York In Las Vegas And I Was Very Happy. They've Got That Rollercoaster Encircling The Entire Premises, Just Like Manhattan.

A Lollipop Is A Cross Between Hard Candy And Garbage.

I Like Rice. Rice Is Great If You're Hungry And Want 2000 Of Something Picketing, But I Don't Know How To Show It.

I Wish They Made Fajita Cologne, Because That Stuff Smells Good. What's That You're Wearing? That's Sizzlin'!

I Don't Want To Have My Face On The Cover Of A Wheaties Box. I Wanna Have My Face On The Cover Of A Rice Krispies Box. "snap, Krackle, Mitch And Pop"!

I Read That Mtv's Real World Got 40,000 Applications. That's Amazing, Such An Even Number. You Would Have Thought It Would Be 40,008.

I'm A Heroine Addict. I Need To Have Sex With Women Who Have Saved Someone's Life.

I Spilled Some Vodka On The Carpet, And I Vacuumed It Up, And The Vacuum Got Drunk. I Had To Take The Hoover To Detox.

Sometimes I Get Really Lonely. Especially When I'm Throwing A Frisbee.

I Would Like It If Four People Did A Cartwheel All At Once... So I Can Make A Cart.

I Can Read Minds, But I'm Illiterate.

I Don't Have A Microwave Oven, But I Do Have A Clock That Occasionally Cooks Stuff.

I Love My Fed-ex Guy Cause He's A Drug Dealer And He Don't Even Know It...and He's Always On Time.

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

Mitch”, But Then Reattach It And Call It “mitch-all-together.

A Severed Foot Is The Ultimate Stocking Stuffer.

I Like It When You Reach Into A Vending Machine To Grab Your Candy Bar, And That Flap Goes Up To Block You From Reaching Up? That's A Good Invention. Before That, It Was Hard Times For The Vending Machine Owners. "yeah, What Candy Bar Are You Getting?" "that One, And Every One On The Bottom Row!"

I Make Myself A Bowl Of Instant Oatmeal, And Then I Don't Do Anything For An Hour. Why Do I Need The Instant Oatmeal? I Could Get The Regular Oatmeal And Feel Productive.

Comedy Clubs Have Brick Walls Behind The Performer. Bricks Make You Funny. When I'm In Front Of A Fireplace, I'm Hilarious.

Snake Eyes Is A Gambling Term, And An Animal Term, Too.

My Lucky Number Is Four Billion. That Doesn't Come In Real Handy When You're Gambling. "come On, Four Billion! Darn! Seven. Not Even Close. I Need More Dice."

I Had The Cab Driver Drive Me Here Backwards, And The Dude Owed Me $27.50.

I Went To A Restaurant With My Friend, And He Said, "pass The Salt." I Said, "screw You! Sit Closer To The Salt."

Once I Saw A Duck Walking Down The Street So I Went Into Subway And Ordered Two Pieces Of Bread, And They Informed Me That They Could Not Do That, Like There Was Some Speical Rule At Subway That Two Pieces Of Bread Weren't Allowed To Touch. So The Woman Asked Me What I Wanted On The Sandwich And I Said I Do Not Care, It Is For A Duck, And She Was Like Oh Then It's Free. I Was Not Aware That Ducks Eat For Free At Subway. It's Like Give Me A Chicken Fajita Sub, But Don't Worry About Ringing It Up, It Is For A Duck.

My Friend Asked Me If I Wanted A Frozen Banana. I Said 'no, But I Want A Regular Banana Later, So... Yeah.'

You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

Mitch's Pizzaria... This Week's Coupon: Unlimited Free Pizza. Special Note: Coupon Not Good At Any Of The Mitch's Pizza Locations. Free Pizza Oven With Purchase Of A Small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: Buy One Pizza, Get One Franchise Free.

A Minibar Is A Machine That Makes Everything Expensive. When I Take Something Out Of The Minibar, I Always Fathom That I'll Go And Replace It Before They Check It Off, But They Make That Stuff Impossible To Replace. I Go To The Store And Ask, 'do You Have Coke In A Glass Harmonica ...do You Have Individually Wrapped Cashews'

I Don't Have A Girlfriend. But I Do Know A Woman Who'd Be Mad At Me For Saying That.

I Don't Wear A Watch Because I Want My Arms To Weigh The Same. So If Somebody Asks Me What Time It Is, I Have To Tell Them Something That Is Going On. "what Time Is It, Mitch?" "uh, That Guy Is Eating A Hamburger." "shi*, I Had To Be Somewhere..."

A Friend Said To Me, "i Think The Weather Is Trippy." I Said, "no, Man, It's Not The Weather That's Trippy, Perhaps It's The Way We Perceive It." And Then I Realized I Just Should Have Said, "yeah."

I'm Gonna Fix That Last Joke By Taking Out All The Words And Adding New Ones.

I Have A "do Not Disturb" Sign On My Hotel Door. It's Time To Go To "don't Disturb". It's Been "do Not" For Too Long. We Should Embrace The Contraction.

I Tried To Walk Into Target, But I Missed. I Think The Entrance To Target Should Have People Splattered All Around.

If You Boat A Lot, You're Known As A Boating Enthusiast. I Like To Boat, But I Just Don't Want To Ever Be Referred To As A 'boating Enthusiast'. I Hope They Call Me 'a Guy Who Likes To Boat'.

A Dog Came To My Door, So I Gave Him A Bone, The Dog Took The Bone Into The Back Yard And Buried It. I'm Going To Go Plant A Tree There, With Bones On It, Then The Dog Will Come Back And Say, "shoot! It Worked! I Must Distribute These Bones Equally For I Have A Green Paw!"

I Like To Hold The Microphone Cord Like This, I Pinch It Together, Then I Let It Go, Then You Hear A Whole Bunch Of Jokes At Once.

2-in-1 Is A Stupid Term, Because 1 Is Not Big Enough To Hold 2. That's Why 2 Was Created.

Stand-up Is An Art But Since It's Humor And It's Funny - A Lot Of Guys That Don't Think It's Art Are Probably Coming From The Angle That They Don't Want To Take It So Seriously. I've Always Looked At It As An Art But I Don't Look At It As A Pretentious Art. I Understand It Has To Be Taken Lightly Because It Is Just Comedy In The End, But The Good Stand-up Comics Are Someone With Something To Say.

People On The 14th Floor, You Know What Floor You’re Really On.

I Was Walking Down The Street With My Friend And He Said 'i Hear Music,' As Though There's Any Other Way To Take It In. 'you're Not Special. That's How I Receive It Too... I Tried To Taste It, But It Did Not Work'.

I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

I Want To Make A Vending Machine That Sells Vending Machines. It'd Have To Be Real Big.

I Got Some Tartar Control Toothpaste. I Still Have Tartar, But That Stuff's Under Control. I Got So Much Tartar, I Don't Have To Dip My Fish Sticks In Anything. That's Actually Kind Of Gross. After That Joke, I Have To Clarify That I'm Just Joking.

I Wrote My Friend A Letter Using A Highlighting Pen. But He Could Not Read It, He Thought I Was Trying To Show Him Certain Parts Of A Piece Of Paper.

I Wanted To Get A Tape Recorder, But I Got A Parrot Instead. I Think I Did That Joke Backwards.

That Would Be Cool If You Could Eat A Good Food With A Bad Food And The Good Food Would Cover For The Bad Food When It Got To Your Stomach. Like You Could Eat A Carrot With An Onion Ring And They Would Travel Down To Your Stomach, Then They Would Get There, And The Carrot Would Say, It's Cool, He's With Me.

I Saw A Commercial For An Above-ground Pool, It Was 30 Seconds Long. Because That's The Maximum Amount Of Time You Can Picture Yourself Having Fun In An Above-ground Pool. If It Was 31 Seconds, The Actor Would Say "the Water Is Only Up To Here? What Do I Do Now? Throw The Ball Back To Jimmy? Or Put Some Goggles On And Look At His Feet?"

I Bought Myself A Parrot, But It Did Not Say "i'm Hungry", And So It Died.

A Friend Gave Me A Drug For Attention Deficit Disorder, Because He's Afflicted, But I'm Not. So What Happened To Me Is I Suddenly Had An Extra-long Attention Span. People Would Tell Me A Story, And It Would End, And I'd Get All Mad. "come On, Man, There Has To Be More To That Story."

I Heard A Guy Tell Me He Liked Cherries. I Waited To Hear If He Was Going To Say "tomatoes", Then I Realized He Like Cherries Just. That Joke Is Ridiculous.

Well, I Was Lost But Now I Live Here! I Have Severely Improved My Predicament!

I Wish My Name Was Brian Because Maybe Sometimes People Would Misspell My Name And Call Me Brain. That's Like A Free Compliment And You Don't Even Gotta Be Smart To Notice It.

Because Of Acid, I Now Know That Butter Is Way Better Than Margarine.

If You Have To Release Bad News To The Public, It Would Help If You Are Not Ugly.

Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.

If You Want To Talk To Me After The Show, I'd Be Surprised.

I Got Two Stools, In Case I Want To Sit Down And Sit Down Again On Something Else.

I Got Some Tartar-control Toothpaste A While Back. I've Still Got Tartar, But It's Under Control.

If I Was A Locksmith, I'd Be Pimping That Out Man. I'll Trade You A Free Key Duplication For. That Joke Made Me Laugh Before I Could Finish It, Which Is Good, Because It Had No Ending.

I Met The Girl Who Works At The Doubletree Front Desk, She Gave Me Her Number. It's Zero. I Tried To Call From Here, Some Other Woman Answered. "you Sound Older!"

It's Very Dangerous To Wave To People You Don't Know Because What If They Don't Have Hands? They'll Think You're Cocky.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8?

When You Put Listerine In Your Mouth, It Hurts. Germs Do Not Go Quietly.

I Miss The $2 Bill, 'cause I Can Break A Two. $20, No. $10, No. $5, Maybe, $2? Oh Yeah. What Do You Need, A One And Another One?

When It Comes To Racism, You Hear People Say, "i Don't Care If People Are White, Black, Purple Or Green." Hold On, Now, Purple Or Green? Come On Now, You Gotta Draw The Line Somewhere.

The Depressing Thing About Tennis Is That No Matter How Good I Get, I'll Never Be As Good As A Wall.

Here's A Thought For Sweat Shop Owners: Air Conditioning. Problem Solved.

Every Time I Go And Shave, I Assume There's Someone Else On The Planet Shaving. So I Say, 'i'm Gonna Go Shave, Too.'

My Friend Said To Me, You Know What I Like? Mashed Potatoes. I Was Like, Dude, You Have To Give Me Time To Guess. If You're Going To Quiz Me You Have To Insert A Pause.

My Girlfriend Is Named Lynn. She Spells Her Name "lynn". My Old Girlfriend's Name Is Lyn, Too, But She Spells It "lyn". Every Now And Then I Screw Up, I Call My New Girlfriend By My Old Girlfriend's Name, And She Can Tell Because I Don't Say "n" As Long.

I Thought My Teeth Were White Until I Washed My Face With Noxzema. My Teeth Are Off-white. I'm Not Even White. I'm Off-white. It's A New Race; We Will Prevail!

I Had A Box Of Ritz Crackers, And On The Back Of The Box, They Had All These Suggestions For What To Put On Top Of The Ritz. Try It With Cheese. Try It With Peanut Butter. Come On, Man, They're Crackers, That's Why I Got Them. I Like Crackers! I Didn't Buy Them Because They're Little Edible Plates!

You Know Crazy Straws - They Go All Over The Place? These Straws Are Sane. They Never Lost Their Mind. They Say, "we're Going Straight To The Mouth. That Guy Who Takes A While To Get There? He's Crazy."

I Had A Stick Of Carefree Gum, But It Didn't Work. I Felt Pretty Good While I Was Blowing That Bubble, But As Soon As The Gum Lost Its Flavor, I Was Back To Pondering My Mortality.

You Got To Always Take Advantage Of Getting Your Room Cleaned. You May Think It's Nice Not To Have Anybody In Your Room, Like Your Privacy's Not Being Invaded. But There's Nothing Like Walking Back Into A Clean Room. You've Got To Remember That.

I Would Like To Go Fishing And Catch A Fish Stick. That Would Be Convenient. I Could Easily Get A Job At Mrs. Paul's.

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Virginia C. Andrews

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