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I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

-Mitch Hedberg

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I Saw A Lady

Mitch Hedberg

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I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

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You Know They Call Corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", But That's How It Comes Out Of The Ground. They Should Just Call It Corn, And Every Other Type Of Corn, Corn-off-the-cob. It's Not Like If Someone Cut Off My Arm They Would Call It "mitch", But Then Re-attached It, And Call It "mitch-all-together".

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When You're In Hollywood And You're A Comedian, Everybody Wants You To Do Other Things. All Right, You're A Stand-up Comedian, Can You Write Us A Script? That's Not Fair. That's Like If I Worked Hard To Become A Cook, And I'm A Really Good Cook, They'd Say, "ok, You're A Cook. Can You Farm?"

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I Went To A Heavy Metal Concert. The Singer Yelled Out, "how Many Of You People Feel Like Human Beings Tonight?" And Then He Said, "how Many Of You Feel Like Animals?" The Thing Is, Everyone Cheered After The Animals Part, But I Cheered After The Human Beings Part Because I Did Not Know There Was A Second Part To The Question.

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When Someone Hands You A Flyer, It's Like They're Saying Here You Throw This Away.

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The Kit Kat Candy Bar Has The Name Kit Kat Imprinted Into The Chocolate. That Robs You Of Chocolate! That's A Clever Chocolate-saving Technique.

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I'd Hate To Be A Giraffe With A Sore Throat.

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

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Fettucini Alfredo Is Macaroni And Cheese For Adults.

I Tried To Throw A Yo-yo Away. It Was Impossible.

The Commercial For Diet Dr. Pepper Says It Tastes Just Like Regular Dr. Pepper. Well, Then They Screwed Up!

People Think I'm Into Sports Because I'm A Man. But I'm Not Into Sports. I Like Gatorade, But That's About As Far As It Goes. By The Way, You Don't Have To Be Sweaty And Play Basketball To Enjoy Gatorade. You Can Just Be A Thirsty Dude. Gatorade Forgets About This Demographic!

If Spiderman Was Real, And I Was A Criminal, And He Shot Me With His Web, I Would Say, "dude, Thanks For The Hammock."

I Read That Mtv's Real World Got 40,000 Applications. That's Amazing, Such An Even Number. You Would Have Thought It Would Be 40,008.

I Was At A Bar, And This Guy Bumped Into Me, And He Did Not Apologize, And He Said, "move!" I Thought That Was Rude, So I Said, "go To Hell!" Then I Started To Run. He Caught Up To Me. He Had A Mustache, A Goatee, A Pair Of Earrings, Sunglasses, A Ponytail And He Was Wearing A Hat. He Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of Nerve!" I Said, "hey, You Got A Lot Of... Cranium Accessories!"

I'm Sick Of Following My Dreams. I'm Just Going To Ask Them Where They're Goin', And Hook Up With Them Later.

Have You Ever Tried Sugar Or Pcp?

As An Adult, I'm Not Supposed To Go Down Slides. So If I'm At The Top Of A Slide, I Have To Pretend That I Got There Accidentally. "how The Hell Did I Get Up Here? I Guess I Have To Slide Down. Whee!" That's What You Say When You're Having Fun. You Refer To Yourself And Some Other People.

I Want To Make A Vending Machine That Sells Vending Machines. It'd Have To Be Real Big.

I Love Blackjack. But I'm Not Addicted To Gambling. I'm Addicted To Sitting In A Semi Circle.

Why Is Cloud 9 So Amazing? What Is Wrong With Cloud 8?

I'd Like To Get Four People Who Do Cart Wheels Very Good, And Make A Cart.

I Can Read Minds, But I'm Illiterate.

It's Weird... People Say They're Not Like Apes. Now How Do You Explain Football Then?

I Went To A Cigar Store, The Man Behind The Counter Asked Me, "what Kind Of Cigars Do You Like?" I Answered, "it's A Boys."

Xylophone Is Spelled With An X. That's Wrong. It Should Be A Z Up Front. Next Time You Spell Xylophone, Use A Z. If Someone Says, "that's Wrong!", You Say, "no, It Ain't." If You Think That's Wrong, Then You Need To Have Your Head Z-rayed.

I Was At This Casino Minding My Own Business, And This Guy Came Up To Me And Said, 'you're Gonna Have To Move, You're Blocking A Fire Exit.' As Though If There Was A Fire, I Wasn't Gonna Run. If You're Flammible And Have Legs, You Are Never Blocking A Fire Exit.

I Remixed A Remix, It Was Back To Normal.

One Time I Stayed At A Haunted Motel. When I Checked Into My Room, There Was A Sheet On The Floor, And I Thought It Was A Ghost That Had Passed Out, So I Kicked It.

They Say The Recipe For Sprite Is Lemon And Lime. I Tried To Make It At Home. There's More To It Than That.

I Wanted To Get A Tape Recorder, But I Got A Parrot Instead. I Think I Did That Joke Backwards.

That Would Be Cool If You Could Eat A Good Food With A Bad Food And The Good Food Would Cover For The Bad Food When It Got To Your Stomach. Like You Could Eat A Carrot With An Onion Ring And They Would Travel Down To Your Stomach, Then They Would Get There, And The Carrot Would Say, It's Cool, He's With Me.

Alcoholism Is A Disease, But It's The Only One You Can Get Yelled At For Having. Goddamn It Otto, You Are An Alcoholic. Goddamn It Otto, You Have Lupus... One Of Those Two Doesn't Sound Right.

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John Jay Chapman

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